By nine o’clock, Tammy was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Her body ached from head to toe and her stomach was still sore to touch. Periodically, she rubbed it gently to sooth the pain. Relieved she hadn’t bled or bruised, she was certain the baby was okay.
Shortly after settling on the couch with her feet up, a pillow behind her head, and a magazine in her hands, she saw the reflection of bright headlights from a car pulling into the driveway. She listened as the engine came to a stop. A few seconds later, she heard the creek of the car door open and then a thud as it was closed. With attentive ears, she listened to the sound of heavy footsteps, growing louder as they approached the trailer. Knowing it was Steven, she wondered if he was still angry and felt a rush of adrenaline as her body switched into fight or flight mode. Should she have fled before he came home? No, she couldn’t. She had nowhere to go and besides, he had her car.
Hearing the thud of his boots on the metal steps, Tammy froze. Holding her breath, she watched the handle of the door move down as Steven pulled it open from the other side. Her heart pounded with dread as she waited for him to enter. When he appeared in the doorway, her heart instantly melted. She felt crushed. Never had she seen a man look so sad. His swollen red eyes told her he’d been crying. His hair was in disarray, his pants were dirty, and damp stains blotted his white t-shirt from his tears.
He took one look at Tammy and fell to his knees next to the couch, sobbing loudly. “I’m so sorry, Tammy,” he cried. “I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me.”
With tears of her own, Tammy reached out and cupped his head in her palms. Softly stroking his hair as he nestled his head on her stomach, she felt pity toward him. He was crouched before her like a little lost boy. “Shh, it’s okay. I know,” she said, holding him tight.
With tears rolling down his cheeks, Steven pulled himself up to meet her eyes. “I love you, Tammy. I never meant to hurt you. It will never happen again, I promise.”
With her eyes scrunched closed, Tammy kissed him long and hard on the top of his head before burying her face in his hair. She saw the remorse in his eyes. She had to believe him. They still had a chance to be a family. She wasn’t going to give up so easy. “I forgive you,” she whispered. Releasing her hold on him and pulling herself together, Tammy sat up and patted the cushion next to her. “Come on, get off the floor and sit next to me. We need to talk.”
Sniffing back a tear, his head hung low, he silently obeyed her.
Tammy took his hand. “I love you too, Steven, but you scared me today…more than I’ve ever been scared in my whole life. All this time you’ve been lying to me about the drugs and your new job in sales.”
“I’m sorry I lied to you, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I was afraid you’d leave me if you knew.”
“I want to trust you, Steven.” She took a deep breath. “I’m willing to start over and put all this behind us if you will too, but…” Letting go of his hand, Tammy sat up straight with a serious frown.
“But what?”
“In order for me to stay, there have to be some changes.” She gazed into his sorry eyes, telling herself not to give in. “I won’t raise our child in this trailer and I want there to be no more drugs. I don’t want you selling them and I don’t want you using them. Do I make myself clear?”
She had no idea what she was asking from him. Nevertheless, Steven gave a silent nod.
Tammy rose from the couch and began pacing the room. “I mean it, Steven. Tomorrow, I’m going to look for work. I’ll be taking my car and I’m not coming home until I have a job. And you can do the same. Go out and get a real job. You can tell Rick in the morning that you’re done. He knows I’m having a baby. I’m sure he’ll understand.”
Steven’s agitation was niggling at him. He loved her and didn’t want to lose her, but she had no idea about the drug world and the addiction he was living with, day in, day out. If he could quit tomorrow, he would, but it wasn’t that easy. Just thinking about the withdrawals turned his stomach into knots. The last time he tried to quit—when he first met Tammy—he was violently sick for days on end. He had called her and told her he had the flu. Once he got a fix a few hours later, he was instantly well again and hadn’t tried to quit since.
He couldn’t explain to her that, because of her fuck-up, he now had to pay Rick back five grand in lieu of the heroin she’d thrown away. And now he’d have to front more stuff from Rick just to keep himself well. Unsure how he was going to sort out the mess he was now in, he decided buying some time until he had an opportunity to really think things through was the best solution. “Sure, Tammy, whatever you want,” he said, smiling.
Chapter 36
Anxious to start her quest to find employment, Tammy woke early the next morning. Careful not to wake Steven, she snuck quietly into the main house to take a shower. After applying her makeup, she dressed professionally in navy slacks and a white long-sleeved shirt.
When she returned to the trailer, she found Steven still sleeping. Not wanting to disturb him, she left him a note on the kitchen counter, asking him to wish her luck and telling him she’d be back later that day—hopefully with a job. She grabbed her car keys from the small table, took twenty bucks out of his jean pocket and left.
She figured a waitress job would be the easiest to find. There were many restaurants in the area and she had the right experience. She also liked the idea of the daily tips to top up her paycheck. Not knowing the roads too well, she pulled out of the driveway, drove down the street and turned left onto the main road, following it south. Her plan was to stop at every restaurant she saw and ask if they were hiring.
Five restaurants later, she was becoming discouraged. Each had told her to fill out an application and that they would call her if anything came up. Having no phone of her own, she’d left Rick’s number hoping he would give her the message if they ever got in touch.
By three o’clock, Tammy had lost count on how many restaurants she’d stopped at and how many forms she’d filled out. Desperation was beginning to sink in. Just when she feared she was fast running out of time and options, she spotted a shopping center on her left and pulled into the parking lot out front. It didn’t look like the sort of location where she’d find any restaurants, but she slowly scanned all the businesses from left to right, reading all the names out loud one by one. To her surprise, she spotted one called Connie’s Diner. “Yes! Might as well give that one a try.” She shut off the engine, grabbed her purse and exited the car.
Tammy entered the lobby with her fingers secretly crossed behind her back. It was now after three, so the lunch rush was over and the restaurant was fairly quiet. Soft guitar music played in the background and scenic pictures of harbors and lighthouses hung in neat rows on the walls. A few feet away, a pretty young blond stood behind a hostess station organizing menus. She looked up and smiled as Tammy approached.
“Table for one?” the girl asked.
“Er, actually no. I was wondering if I could speak to the manager.”
The girl returned the menus to a slot at the side of her desk. “One moment please,” she said before disappearing into the bar area behind her.
Tammy waited nervously by the hostess station, her palms sweating and her skin itching while she silently prayed they were hiring. A few minutes later, the girl returned, smiled, and gestured for Tammy to follow her. “Right this way please,” she said with a professional tone. Tammy nodded and followed, giving her hair a quick comb with her fingers.
It was a small room with six round tables, each with four chairs. Mirrored walls behind the bar reflected the rows of bottled liquors. Sitting on one of the eight bar stools was a short, chubby woman who looked to be of Latino descent. Surrounded by mounds of receipts and fully engaged with a calculator, she hadn’t heard them enter.
“Connie, this is the lady that wishes to see you,” the hostess said as they approached her. “If you need anything, I’ll be out front,” she added before le
aving.
The woman removed her glasses, placed them on the counter, and gave Tammy the once-over. Brushing aside her nerves, Tammy extended her hand. “Hi, I’m Tammy.”
Connie took her hand and noticed right away she had a good firm grip. “Hi, I’m Connie, the owner. What can I do for you?”
“I was wondering if you were hiring.”
Connie pushed the receipts aside. “Here, have a seat. Would you like a soda or something?”
Surprised by her friendliness and feeling more at ease, Tammy sat on the stool next to her. “Sure, a Coke sounds good. Thank you.”
Connie left her seat to pour Tammy a drink from the soda fountain. “So, what kind of work are you looking for?”
“Well, I was hoping for a waitress position.”
Connie grabbed a napkin and placed it in front of Tammy with the drink on top. “Have you had any experience?”
After taking a sip of the refreshing fizzy drink, Tammy answered, “Yes, I have. I worked in a hotel in Lonesridge, California.”
Connie leaned back against the bar and casually folded her arms across her chest. “I like your accent. Where’re you from?”
“I’m originally from the north of England, where I was also a waitress. From there, I moved to California.” Still able to hide her pregnancy, Tammy decided not to mention it as part of her life story.
“What brought you to Seattle?”
Tammy hesitated. “My boyfriend’s job.”
“Ah, I see,” Connie replied, returning to her seat. “Well, it just so happens…” She paused and smiled. “I had a waitress quit on me just this morning. Your timing couldn’t be more perfect. I’m willing to give you a try.”
Elated and feeling relieved that her search for a job had finally come to an end, Tammy was unable to contain her excitement and gratitude. She jumped up from her stool to give Connie a tremendous hug, almost knocking her off her seat in the process. “Thank you! Thank you so much!” Tammy squealed.
Amused by her excitement and having seen this kind of reaction many times before, Connie welcomed her embrace. “Now, keep in mind this is just a trial run. Let’s see how you do. If you say you have the experience, then there shouldn’t be a problem and the job will be yours,” she said, peeling herself free of Tammy’s arms.
“I won’t let you down. I promise,” Tammy assured her, smiling from ear to ear.
“I just need you to fill out an application with all your contact information and your social security number. I’ll have Stacey at the front desk bring you one. How about you come in tomorrow for the breakfast and lunch shift and we’ll see how it goes.”
“That’s sounds great. What time should I be here?”
“I need you here by six in the morning. I’ll have a uniform ready for you. You can pick it up at the front desk.”
“Okay, thank you,” Tammy answered, excitement still lingering in her voice.
Connie liked her. She liked her enthusiasm and hoped she’d be a good waitress. “Okay then, I’ll see you in the morning,” Connie said, extending her hand.
Tammy grasped Connie’s hand and shook it with every ounce of enthusiasm in her body. “I can’t thank you enough for this opportunity. Again, thank you!”
“Don’t thank me yet.” Connie chuckled. “Show me what a great waitress you are first. Then you can thank me.” She motioned with her hand pointing to the lobby. “Now, go and tell Stacey to give you the application. When you’re done, you can just leave it with her and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thanks, I will.” Tammy trotted away to go find Stacey.
Fifteen minutes later, she pulled into the driveway behind the trailer that she reluctantly called home. “This job is going to get us out of this dump once and for all,” she said before exiting the car. In a joyous mood, she skipped all the way to the trailer door, excited to tell Steven her good news. She swung the door wide open and leaped inside, yelling, “Steven!”
Standing in the living room, she quickly scanned around the small space before her eyes came to rest at the couch. In an instant, her excitement was absorbed and replaced by disappointment. Sadness. Anger. Steven was sprawled on the couch, sleeping. Groaning in disgust, Tammy threw her purse onto the floor, marched over to him and nudged her fist firmly on his arm, causing him to stir.
“Steven? For Christ’s sake, Steven, wake up,” she yelled.
Still not awake, she nudged him again. “Steven!”
When he opened his eyes, Tammy’s suspicions were confirmed by his dark, dilated pupils. He was on drugs.
“Hey, baby, you’re home,” he slurred. “I was just taking a nap.”
Tammy stood over him and glared at him with nothing but hatred oozing out of every pore of her body. She fixed her hands on her hips and snarled at him. “Oh, don’t give me that crap. You’re high. You were supposed to be out looking for a job like I was. You make me sick, Steven!”
He propped himself up on wobbly elbows as he struggled to bring himself up to a sitting position. Tammy watched, repulsed, while he strained to keep his eyes open and fought to keep his head up—just like he had a few nights before.
“Now hang on a second, baby, the day’s not over yet. I still have time,” he garbled in a sleepy tone.
“You can’t go anywhere in the state you’re in, and I can’t stand to even look at you. Just go back to sleep. I’m leav—” But, before she could finish, he’d crumpled back on the couch in a heap and was fast asleep once again.
Feeling her skin flush a shade of red from anger, Tammy stared at the lifeless figure slumped on the sofa. She no longer felt pity for him, just repugnance. He wasn’t going to take her down with him. Steven was making empty promises; she knew that now. Might he change once the baby is born? she wondered. As much as she hated him at that moment, she wasn’t ready to give up on him just yet. She decided she would give him the chance to prove himself and show her that he could be a good father to their child.
Chapter 37
Over the next few months, Tammy worked as many hours as she possibly could. Sometimes, she picked up extra shifts by covering for the other waitresses, which earned her a little extra too. By buying just the necessities, Tammy managed to save some money—without Steven’s knowledge, of course. With the trust gone, she hid her savings in a coffee can that she kept buried in the yard.
She was now almost seven months pregnant, but because she was tall and had gained little weight, she had been successful in hiding it. Being on her feet all day was beginning to take its toll on her already exhausted body, but she continued to push herself, knowing she had only two more months to find an apartment before the baby arrived.
To Tammy’s dismay, Steven made no efforts to change and continued to not only use but also sell heroin. They were living under the same roof but leading separate lives. She left him to his despicable lifestyle and refused to take any of his drug money, no matter how broke she was. Her only hope was that he would change once the baby was born. She continued to work hard, determined to get them out of the trailer as quickly as possible; she accomplished her goal just six weeks before her due date and felt triumphant about her success.
In between her shifts, Tammy spent her time scanning the classifieds and had found a one-bedroom apartment just five minutes from work. It was going to be tough, especially because she wasn’t counting on any help from Steven. She had enough money saved for the down payment and the first month’s rent, but little money for anything else. She was told they could move into the apartment in two days’ time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t furnished, but it did have a refrigerator and a stove, which was a start. She could shop at the local thrift stores for the other things they needed, and little by little, just like she had with their last apartment and even the trailer, she would make it a home. Not for Steven, but for the baby.
After signing the lease, Tammy stopped at a few stores in search of boxes and brought home a car full. She wanted to start packing right away. Although she h
adn’t yet told Steven about their impending move, she was quite sure he wouldn’t object to leaving that horrible trailer.
With not much to pack other than clothes, books, and toiletries, Tammy had most of it done by the early evening. She stacked the completed boxes neatly in the front room. Within minutes of taping up the last box and standing back to admire her work, she heard Rick’s van pull up in the driveway. Tammy listened to them chatting outside but couldn’t make out what they were saying until Steven said, “Night, man,” and walked toward their door.
With butterflies fluttering in her stomach, Tammy stood in the kitchen and patiently waited for the door to open. She watched in silence as he entered and stopped in his tracks at the sight of the pile of boxes. “What’s this?” he asked, a puzzled look creeping over his face.
Refusing to fear him, she stood tall with her back straight and proudly made the announcement. “We’re moving. We can finally be rid of this bloody trailer. I found us an apartment, and I only hope you’re as excited as I am.” The look on his face told her right away he wasn’t.
“Moving? Why? We live here for free.”
His pathetic reasoning astounded her. “As I’ve told you many times before, I’m not raising our baby in a caravan, Steven. Or a bloody trailer as you call it. I found us a nice apartment close to my work, and if you get a real job, we’ll be able to afford it comfortably.”
Steven took a seat on the couch and crossed one foot over his knee. “Don’t you think we should have talked about this first? I’m not ready to move.”
Reckless Beginnings Page 20