Reckless Beginnings

by Tina Hogan Grant

  “This isn’t about you, Steven, it’s about the baby. How can you be so goddamn selfish?” Tammy threw him a sarcastic laugh. “I actually thought you’d be excited about getting out of here. Instead, you’re giving me stupid, lame excuses, and I can’t figure out why.”

  “I can’t just move, Tammy,” Steven said defensively.

  “Why not? I did when we left California, remember?” Tammy folded her arms and huffed. “You don’t have to do a bloody thing except load the boxes into the car. I’ve already paid the rent and packed everything up, and I’ve already been told we can move in the day after tomorrow. What possible reason do you have for not wanting to leave?”

  “What about Rick?”

  “What about Rick? You don’t need his fucking permission.”

  “I work for the guy. I can’t just leave,” Steven protested, raising his voice slightly.

  Frustrated, Tammy yelled back louder, “Yes, you can. Selling drugs isn’t a job, it’s a crime for God’s sake! Moving now will give you enough time to find a real job and get away from all this crap.” Tammy shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe I’m having to talk you into leaving this pit-hole.”

  Steven mulled over in his head all the things he couldn’t tell Tammy. He depended on the gig with Rick, not only to make some money but also to get his fixes. He wasn’t ready to quit. He had to prepare himself to be gradually weaned down. He had to psyche himself up to face months, if not years of living hell as he transitioned through the painful phases of withdrawal. He needed time. Otherwise, he felt he might as well just kill himself there and then.

  “Let me think about it. Okay?”

  Tammy couldn’t contain her fury. “Think about it? What’s there to fucking think about? The place is ours. Tell you what, Steven, you can think about it all you fucking want, but I’m moving in. You can stay in this dump if you want. I don’t care. I’m getting the hell out of here.” She yanked her purse from the counter, flung it over her shoulder and stormed toward the door. “I’m going for a walk. While I’m gone, why don’t you ask yourself, Steven…what’s more important? Your fucking drugs or your child?”

  “Wait, Tammy,” he pleaded as she opened the door to leave.

  “No! I need to get out of here. I can’t believe you’re saying you have to think about this.” Without looking back, she stomped out of the trailer and slammed the door behind her.

  Steven sat in despair, knowing full well his world was falling apart. No matter what he decided to do, he was about to lose the two most important things in his life—Tammy and his child. He loved her so much, and yet he knew how much he was hurting her at the same time. If he left Rick’s, he could probably get enough stuff to tide him over for a week, but after that, the violent withdrawals would begin. Tammy would never be able to handle it; she’d freak out and probably leave. And, if he stayed at Rick’s, then he’d already lost her.

  Chapter 38

  With so many uncertainties of what lay ahead, Steven reluctantly moved into the new apartment with Tammy. He couldn’t abandon her and the baby. He had done some really shitty things already, so she didn’t deserve to have to deal with that too. Rick had given him enough stash to get by for about a week, but only if he controlled his uses and made it last. What he would do after that week concerned him the most.

  Steven watched as Tammy skipped and twirled in a joyous dance around their empty apartment, spreading her arms out wide as she shrieked and squealed with delight. When she passed by him, she beamed him a glorious smile—something he had missed more than he realized. It warmed his heart to see her happy again. Unable to match her enthusiasm, he idly leaned against the wall of the hallway and chuckled as she whisked by him again, this time on her way to check out the bathroom and the bedroom.

  “This is perfect for us,” Tammy squeaked like a little child. “We’ll have it fixed up in no time. Just in time for the baby. I have so many ideas,” she said, still beaming a smile. “There are some really good thrift stores around here. I bet we can find a lot of stuff there. What do you think?”

  “Sounds great, honey.”

  Suddenly, Tammy had an idea. “Hey, you know what. I don’t have to be at work for a couple more hours. Let’s go to the thrift store now!” she suggested.

  Steven wasn’t feeling up to it; he could feel the stuff wearing off, but he had to hold it together for a few more hours. Maybe shopping would help take his mind off it. “Sure, we can do that.”

  “Oh wait, we still have a few more boxes in the car. Can you grab them?”

  Steven knew he didn’t have the strength to carry the boxes up to their second-floor apartment. Not without taking a fix early. He’d make up the time with the next one, he convinced himself. “Yeah, okay, but let me use the bathroom first.”

  Tammy suspected he was going to use drugs but avoided questioning him. She didn’t want anything to spoil her mood. “Okay, I’ll wait for you.”

  * * *

  Over the next few weeks, Tammy diligently saved money to buy furnishings for the apartment, including a couch, a television, and a dining room table and four chairs. She bought pictures for the walls and filled the kitchen with cookware, dishes, and silverware.

  But the brief happiness she’d experienced with Steven deteriorated rapidly as the novelty of their new apartment began to wear off. The trust still wasn’t there. Obsessed, wondering if he was still using, Tammy found herself constantly looking for evidence. She’d look closely at his eyes to see if they were dilated, knowing now that dilated pupils were a common sign. She’d watch him walk across the room, waiting for him to stumble. If he sat down, she’d stare at him out of the corner of her eye to see if he nodded off. As part of her daily routine, she’d search all the cabinets, under the bed, and down the sides of the couch cushions for drug paraphernalia, needles, tar, cotton balls, or spoons. Surprisingly, she found none, but she convinced herself it was because she just hadn’t found his hiding spot yet.

  The times his body language told her he was high, Tammy chose to say nothing. Now in her third trimester, she didn’t want the added stress of fighting a losing battle. Fearing his anger, she’d reasoned that silence was the best solution. She needed to get through the pregnancy first. Then she’d figure out what to do. So far, her pregnancy had been an easy one. She’d had no morning sickness and had only gained twelve pounds, which allowed her to remain active and keep on at work. The doctors were not concerned about her lack of weight gain; they reassured her the baby was doing fine and seemed healthy. Because she was tall—almost six feet—the pregnancy still wasn’t showing as anything beyond a slight bump, which could easily be hidden with a baggier shirt, so she hadn’t felt the need to confide in anyone at work that she was expecting.

  Tammy’s suspicions of Steven’s drug use were confirmed when he came home in a frantic state one day and demanded twenty dollars from her. When she refused, he charged at her with a vengeance and cornered her in the kitchen, his body trembling with anger, his pale face highlighted with blotches of red creeping up from his neck. Tammy, afraid he may strike out at her if she didn’t, caved in and handed him the money. Within seconds, he fled through the door, leaving Tammy drenched in her own tears.

  When he returned later that day, wearing his signature smirk, he apologized profoundly and promised it would never happen again.

  But, it did—just two days later. It was the beginning of a vicious cycle.

  Steven’s addiction was spiraling out of control. No longer on easy street with Rick, the hunt for the drug consumed him from morning till night. Having a two-hundred-dollar-a-day habit, his days were spent stealing all kinds of merchandise, finding buyers for stolen goods, cashing in, and then—the ultimate reward—buying the drug.

  Tammy was now living with a complete stranger. The once happy, funny, and loving Steven had been replaced by a person that repulsed her. A man that had no dignity or ambition. His long, matted hair acted as a daily reminder that Steven no longer had an
y pride. His clothes hung like rags from his skeletal frame, and his skin, the color of a corpse, showed what a sick man he was. No one could help or save him; this was his battle, not hers.

  The thought of returning to her father’s had crossed her mind on more than one occasion since moving into the new apartment, but an unexpected phone call crushed that idea before it even had chance to get off the ground. Her dad broke the news that he and Joanne were moving to Florida at the end of the month and may also be living in Ireland for part of the year. The thought of both parents being thousands of miles away made Tammy nervous and, for the first time, she experienced a sense of utter loneliness. She had too much pride to ask her father for help. It was up to her to somehow find a way to break loose from Steven once the baby was born so she could give her child the life it deserved.

  After working late one night, covering a cocktail shift, Tammy returned home exhausted only to find Steven passed out on the couch. Sickened by the sight of him, she simply shook her head and left him in his drugged-out state before going to bed alone.

  She tossed and turned for hours, experiencing severe stomach cramps that prevented her from getting off to sleep. Frustrated, she glanced at the illuminated clock and saw it was three in the morning. “Damn it!” she barked while reaching over to turn on the bedside lamp. She threw back the blankets in a fit of annoyance and grabbed her bathrobe from the end of the bed. Tugging aggressively at the ties, she wrapped herself in the pink terry-cloth robe and headed to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

  But she only managed to make it as far as the bedroom door before she felt a warm gush of fluids run down her legs. Instantly, she knew her water had broken and the baby was coming. Holding onto the door handle for support, she bent over in excruciating pain as she experienced her first contraction. “Oh my god!” she yelled in agony, hoping it would soon pass.

  With the pain subsiding, Tammy fumbled to open the door and yelled down the hallway, “Steven! The baby is coming!” There was no response. She waited for the contraction to fully pass and, while grasping her stomach and using the walls for balance, she slowly made her way down the hall. When she reached the front room, she flicked on the lights. Steven was not on the couch. She looked down and saw he had rolled off and was now passed out on the floor. In desperation and unable to bend down, she fought her pain and kicked him in the gut. “Steven, wake up. The baby is coming.”

  “Ouch! What the fuck,” he yelled, placing a limp hand over his stomach.

  “Get up, Steven. I need you to drive me to the hospital. I’m in labor.”

  “Oh shit!” In an instant, he suddenly appeared normal and sober. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he jumped to his feet in a frenzy and began to walk circles around the room. “What do we do?”

  “First, I need you to calm down. Then I need you to get my overnight bag from the bedroom while I call the midwife.”

  “Okay.” Without another word, he hurried off to retrieve the bag while Tammy stumbled for the phone.

  With a fear of drugs embedded in her, all thanks to Steven’s usage, Tammy had chosen in advance to deliver by natural childbirth. Like the rest of her pregnancy, the delivering went smoothly and quickly with no complications. Just two hours after her first contraction, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, weighing in at seven pounds, four ounces.

  Surprisingly, Steven stuck around during the delivery, holding Tammy’s hand and telling her to breathe during the contractions. But, as soon as the baby was swaddled in her arms, he made an excuse to leave. Tammy knew the real reason why he had to abandon her and his newborn baby less than twenty minutes after welcoming him into the world, but she let him go without protest.

  When he returned, the signature smirk confirmed what he’d needed the bathroom for. He might be high, but Tammy wasn’t going to let anything spoil the magical moment she was experiencing. Bonding with her son cradled in her arms, she was already madly in love and totally amazed by his perfection. Up until that moment, she had not thought of a name, but now, as she looked down on him, the name suddenly came to her. Tammy smiled and kissed his tiny forehead. “Hi, Matt.”

  “Who’s Matt?” Steven asked.

  “Our son. I’m naming him Matt. Not as in Matt, short for Matthew, just Matt, and his name is not up for debate.”

  Steven didn’t argue. “I like it. It’s fine with me.”

  Tammy gave her new son a little squeeze. “Isn’t he beautiful?”

  Steven stroked Matt’s full head of black hair. “He sure is.”

  He then looked at Tammy and smiled. “I’m going to be a good dad. You watch.”

  It meant nothing to her. She’d heard his promises too many times before, all of which had been broken. “Don’t just say it, Steven. Show me. The most important thing in my life now is this little boy. If you can’t be there for him, we’ll be just fine on our own. I mean it, Steven. I’m not going to subject him to a life surrounded by drugs and crime.”

  Looking down at his son, Steven knew he was in serious jeopardy of losing them both. He couldn’t let that happen. He needed help and he needed it fast.

  Chapter 39

  “What do you mean you had a baby? You weren’t pregnant last night.”

  Tammy giggled down the phone. “I’m sorry I never told you, Connie. I was afraid you wouldn’t hire me if you knew. And I was able to hide it pretty well. I’m sorry I’m laughing, but I would love to see your face right now.”

  “No, I just don’t believe you. Listen, I know you worked late last night…if you’re tired, girl, just let me know and I’ll give you the day off. But don’t lie to me.”

  Again, Tammy laughed. “Connie, I’m serious. I’m not lying. I had a baby boy less than three hours ago. There’s no way I can come into work today. If you don’t believe me, I’m at Northwest Hospital. Come down and meet our new son Matt.”

  “I think I’ll just do that. I’ll see you soon! Bye for now,” she said with uncertainty and hung up.

  Within the hour, Connie was by Tammy’s bedside and chattering away with baby talk to Matt. Tammy was happy Steven had left. She probably wouldn’t see him for the rest of the day, and she needed to talk to Connie anyway.

  “Where did you hide him, girl? He’s so precious. I can’t believe I didn’t know. You’re going to have to take some time off. How much do you need?”

  “Actually, I kinda wanted to talk to you about that.”

  Connie was all ears. “Sure. What’s up?”

  “Well, Steven isn’t working right now and money is tight. If I can find a sitter, I want to come back to work in the next couple of days. I feel great so I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  Connie had grown close to Tammy over the last few months. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she had an intuition that it wasn’t all roses at home for Tammy. “Well, maybe I can I help.”

  “You? How?”

  “Well, you know I live above the restaurant. I could watch the little guy there while you’re working. And, not only that, I must confess that I absolutely love babies.” Connie chuckled while gently squeezing Matt’s cheek.

  Tammy was surprised by her gesture. “Oh, Connie, I can’t ask you to watch Matt for me, it’s just—.”

  “You didn’t ask. I’m offering.”

  “I…I don’t know what to say. Thank you!”

  Connie patted Tammy’s shoulder lovingly. “No need to thank me. I’ll put you on breakfast and lunch so you can be at home with him in the evenings.”

  “That would be great, thank you. I really don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  * * *

  Tammy did what she intended to do and returned to work just two days after giving birth to Matt. With no help from Steven—whose days were still consumed by drugs—she couldn’t afford not to.

  By the end of the month, after working as much as she could, Tammy felt she had failed her son. Despite saving as much money as possible, she only had half the month’s rent and was going berserk
with worry as she contemplated what to do. She returned home, feeling utterly exhausted, and laid her sleeping son in the middle of her bed before straightening his blankets and putting him into his crib.

  Satisfied that he was safe and sound asleep, she turned toward his crib and pulled back the small mattress. She let out a sigh of relief; Steven hadn’t found it. Tammy retrieved the white envelope she had stashed and slid it open with her finger. To her absolute horror, she discovered it was empty. “No…no…NO!”

  In disbelief, Tammy checked the envelope again. She shook it and turned it upside down. It was empty. She gently slid her hand under the mattress to check it hadn’t slipped out. Nothing. Steven had found her stash and taken the money she had been saving for rent. Shaking uncontrollably, she fell to her knees and sobbed. “How could he? How could he do this to us? What am I going to do now?” Crying, Tammy crawled over to Matt and gathered him in her arms, being careful not to wake him. With soft kisses to his forehead, she spoke to him in a soft, comforting voice. “It’ll be okay, Matt. I’ll take care of you. I love you so much. I’ll figure something out, I promise.”

  Later that night, unable to sleep with worry, Tammy heard the front door open and close. She glanced at the clock illuminating the darkened room and saw it was just after midnight. She ripped the bed covers away from her body, leaped out of bed, and charged down the hallway into the living room in a rage.

  She turned on the lights and found Steven standing in the middle of the room, swaying from side to side. Inching closer to him and seeing his eyes were closed, she watched as he struggled to hold his head up. Tammy knew instantly; he was high. He turned his head with what looked like an almighty effort and gazed at her through half-open, sunken eyes. “Hey, honey,” he slurred. “I didn’t know you were up.”

  In a fury, she marched toward him until she was within an inch of his spaced-out face. “How could you!” she yelled, shoving him backwards as hard as she could.