“I mean, you need to start working. Daisy bartends when she can. Jenna still helps with the Russian dolls when she’s around, Maria helps out at the bar, and Meech cleans the club. You need to start contributing round ere’ too. I’m gonna pop in a few weeks which means I’ll be out of order and can’t help out. So, what’re you gonna do around the club? We have a few options…” Elena goes on to list a plethora of jobs that she says we could use help on, and as she continues, the previous sounds worse than the last. I really don’t want to be cleaning toilets around the club. I understand Meech has been around for a while… but how good of a job can she be doing if she doesn’t clean the porcelain thrones? I don’t blame her, though. I don’t wanna clean whatever comes out of these guys asses either.
“The fridge is almost always empty,” I shoot out, “There’s hardly ever food in there and whenever I’m hungry I just end up eating cereal. What’re the guys eating?”
Elena doesn’t make a peep. She’s not answering me cause’ she doesn’t know. Yep, I’ll take cooking over cleaning up shit stains!
“I’ll cook and put it all in the fridge. That way all the guys have to do is heat it up and grub out. Sound good?”
Elena smiles proudly as she replies, “That sounds great! I can’t wait to see what you come up with.”
“Don’t you worry about that. Let me get to cookin,” I tell her, and watch as she runs out of the kitchen. I go over to the massive fridge/freezer combo that we have and tear open the freezer door, seeing all sorts of frozen meats. Opening the fridge, my eyes land on various sauces and a decent mix of veggies.
Of course, these jerks won’t eat it as is. I roll my eyes and take out some salmon from the freezer, walking over to the microwave, I place the meat on a plate and set the defrost setting. I’m gonna make these boys a teriyaki salmon stir fry they won’t ever forget.
I feel like only ten minutes or so has past when I’m putting the servings into Tupperware and placing them in the fridge for the guys. I just need to get to the grocery store and get some more supplies to make more food. I doubt this will last til’ the end of the day. I figure I’ll just use the credit card Trick gave me. He won’t mind. I’m sure of it.
I’m about ready to leave the kitchen when Elena comes back in. “You’re done already?” She asks, and I nod.
“Yep, it’s all in the fridge.”
Elena pulls open the door and grabs one of the containers, taking off the lid and sets it on the counter. Before I know it, she has a fork in her hand and I can’t do anything but stare at her as she picks the container back up and digs the utensil in the stir fry. Grabbing a heavy portion, she slides it into her mouth. The next thing I know, she’s dropped what I worked so hard to create and is running towards the sink.
“Jesus! That’s disgusting!” My heart sinks into my stomach and yet again, I feel like I can’t do anything right around here – because I can’t. It’s been proven time and time again. All I keep doing is somehow fucking shit up and letting everyone down.
No matter what, I’m always going to keep doing that. There will be no way out of it. I wonder if failing people is in my blood. If my parents passed it down to me like a damn disease. It wouldn’t shock me, in fact, it’d probably explain quite a bit.
There’s only one place I know where I need to be – and it sure as hell isn’t here.
* * *
My steps are slower than usual as I enter this place. I wonder if my body remembers the things that I’ve gone through in this house, on that particular bed. The way I felt so free and relaxed, the poison that takes every bit of agony away from me. After this day, I know I had to come here. I know that I need some sort of release, or else I’ll end up caving under all of the pressure. I don’t want to die. I just need help. I need something to make my life just a tiny bit easier, if only for a day.
There’s a part of me that didn’t want to come here, probably the piece of me that thinks about what Trick will have to say about all of this, but he doesn’t understand. He’s never been an addict. He’s never felt the release that the drugs give you, how your every worry in the world obliterates before your eyes. The only worry that rests upon your shoulders is the continuation of life – to still breathe.
I don’t want to be like I was before. I want to be so much different, a better person than I’ve ever been. Coming here is haunting and honestly, it’s quite terrifying too. I take a seat and sit down on the dirty mattress where I’ve spent most of my days and put the tiny pill in my mouth.
I just need some good old fashioned sleep, and I’ll be sure to get it now. Sleeping better than I have in weeks.
Chapter Nine
“I never needed drugs. Everything I loved destroyed me enough.”
- Word Porn
Trick
After a long day of prepping for the upcoming auction, I’m ready to fill my stomach and faceplant into bed next to Angel. I park my bike in front of the clubhouse doors and dismount, walking inside to my girl.
“Hey Trick. Long day?” Maria asks, and I nod.
“You have no idea. Can’t keep doin’ shit like this,” I chuckle in response. I look around the club and see a few of the regulars, even spotting Wrath and a few of his buddies. He’s Michelle’s dad who never really stuck around much before, but maybe since she’s growing her family, he feels the need to stay. Not sure, don’t really care to be honest. “Angel around?” I ask her, hoping she’ll just point me in the direction of wherever it is that Angel has run off to.
Maria shrugs her shoulders, “Not really sure. I haven’t seen her all day. Elena did though, ELENA!”
Elena pops her head out of the kitchen at Maria’s call. “What’s up?”
“When’s the last time you saw Angel?” Maria questions her.
“Sometime this morning. She made some sort of stir fry thing for the guys to grub on and my pregnancy did not agree with it at all. Ugh, I hate being pregnant. There’s so much food I know I’d love to eat, but my body just doesn’t agree with my choices at all. Fucking sucks!”
I listen to what Elena says and her babbling words as she continues. Opening my phone, I tap on the tracking app that Lucian, a friend of the club, had designed for us a while back. It allows us to put a hidden application on our girls’ phones, running in the background to where they don’t even know it’s there. The best fuckin’ security you can ask for! All I have to do is open this app up, and I can see wherever it is Angel’s phone is on a map. It’s showing me that she’s in her room, so I’m not worried in the slightest.
“Oh no, I hope I didn’t offend her. Shit! I spit out the food right after I took a bite. All of it was just too much for me and the baby, the aroma, the taste. But damn does that girl know how to cook. I think we should keep her on cooking duty for a while.”
I smirk at the fact I’m being shown Angel really has nothing to worry about. She’s fitting in just fine, even if she doesn’t see it. Sure, there are a few hiccups along the way, but when aren’t there? When you mix personalities, there’s bound to be some sort of eruption.
After a few minutes of miniscule chit chatter, I make my way into the kitchen and open the fridge. Flat in front of me there are a couple containers of what Angel must’ve cooked earlier today. I grab one, take a plate out from the cupboard and pour some of the food onto the plate, before nuking it in the microwave. I want this shit sizzling hot while I scarf it down.
Reed gave us each a few tasks to complete throughout the day, some of it being pretty heavy, construction work at the hotel where the auction is being held. It’s coming up in just three days and there’s a shit ton to do still. It needs to look as good as it can with all these people flying in from around the globe.
Tomorrow I’ll be heading back out there to get a few more things finished before going over security with Reed. I’ve developed somewhat of a blueprint where our joint forces with Mariana and Ion Petran, and our Skulls brothers will be stationed during the auction. If anyone tries to d
o anything shady, they’ll hate that they even tried. Shit, it’ll be much worse than hate. They’ll feel their mistakes for eons.
The microwave beeps, signaling me that my food is ready and I open the door, pulling the plate free and walk back to our room. Inserting the fork into the stir fry, I pop a good serving into my mouth and moan. Elena sure wasn’t kiddin’. This shit is full of flavor, but she did get one thing wrong. It’s delicious!
Upon opening the door, I have to do a double take. Angel’s phone says she’s here, but the room is dark and she sure as hell isn’t here. “Angel?” I call out her name, just in case she’s asleep on the futon or somethin’, but I know better.
Fuck, I think to myself.
“Maria!” I holler, walking back out to the main area of the club.
She shoots out from behind the bar, “What’s up, Trickster?” She giggles at the last bit, laughing at my new ‘name’ as she calls it. She’s cute and short, so I let her get away with it. Plus, she’s Latina, which means she’s batshit crazy. So maybe that’s why I let her get away with it.
“Where are your guys, they seen Angel lately?”
A scoff greets me and there’s no mistaking who it’s coming from. “She’s probably high, knowing her habits.”
“Wait… where’s your truck?” Maria asks me as she heads straight over to the front window. Peering through the curtains, she looks back at me. “It’s not here.”
“Like I said, she’s probably shooting it up somewhere. Did you leave any cash lyin’ around, Trick?” Everything about his tone is accusatory, like even if she is high, and that’s a big if, it’s automatically my fault. There’s no reason to assume she’s high at all.
“You wanna shut the fuck up and help me find your sister?” I’m trying to think of all the places that I know Angel would be before I end up making a mistake and plummeting my fist through her brother’s jaw. I know they have a rocky relationship, but it’s like he’ll never forgive her for being an addict. I know it’s hard to forgive someone who’s hurt you, but after a while, you can’t hold onto that pain anymore. Someday he’s gonna have to let it go, and by God, I hope it’s soon.
Chaos doesn’t bother to reply to me, showing me that I’m on my own. Not shocked there, though. I grab a set of keys from the grocery getters that we have on a table in a fishbowl and walk out the front door, unlocking whichever car I managed to grab. I smile at the luck of the draw, a Jeep Wrangler. This will most certainly do.
After I’m inside the SUV, I tear out of the driveway and head for the first place I could think she is. It’s the last place we picked her up, and the most likely possibility. A small, old, worn-down house in a shady side of town. I want to hope she isn’t here, but the moment I see my truck, I know she is. At that, I pull out my cell and send a group text to the brothers, telling them that I need someone to grab my truck from this address. There’s no way I’ll be able to drive two vehicles, especially when I don’t know what kind of shape Angel is in.
Hopping out of the Jeep into the cold February air, I head straight to the door of the house. Not bothering to knock, cause who the hell would in a place like this. I search the entire joint, going room to room, seeing the peeled back newspaper on the windows. Watching water drip from leaks in the ceiling. Cobwebs coat most of the place, with what wallpaper was probably quite popular back in the day falling off the walls. That’s when I spot her body, curled up on a mattress.
Her arms are drawn to her, sleeping like she’s in the fetal position and I pray harder than I ever have before that she’s still with me. The sad truth is that Chaos is probably right, and she could be high right now but I’m hopin’ that she isn’t.
I’m hopin’ that she’s doin’ better for not only herself, but everyone who loves her.
I grab her by the shoulders and flip her body towards me, looking on her arms and even her feet to see if she has any track lines. Her arms are good, but she still has her shoes on, so I check anyway. I doubt that if she shot up she’d had enough time to put her shoes back on, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
She’s good, thank god. I sigh in relief, running my hand along her forehead, wondering what the hell is goin’ on with her. Why would she want to come back here?
There’s only one way I’m gonna find out and it won’t be here. I need to take her home and get her into bed. We’re going to talk about all this shit when she wakes up, whether she wants to or not.
Chapter Ten
“I wasn’t just addicted to dope. I was addicted to self-destruction.”
- Addict Chick
Angel
I’m not much of an angel. The thought circulates through my mind as I wake from the deepest sleep of my life. It’s something my mother used to tell me as a child, using my name as my punishment whenever she had the opportunity. If that’s not ten levels of fucked up, I don’t know what is.
I rub my knuckles over my eyes and open them, seeing a very judgmental looking man sitting at my bedside. Shit. Everything starts to hit me now. I didn’t go to sleep in this bed. I fell asleep at the house on my old mattress. How the hell did I get back here?
“Wanna tell me what you took?” The way he asks it is the complete opposite of his facial expression. He isn’t judging me, he’s merely asking me out of concern. I’ve only ever had one person besides a medical professional ask me what I took, and that person has always been Pain. I just wonder why it feels so different to be asked by my brother, versus my… boyfriend? I guess that’s what I call Trick. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure this shit out. There’s no how-to guide for any of this. He shoots his hand out and grabs my arm, pulling it over to him. “I know you didn’t shoot up, there aren’t any tracks.” He tells me, disapproval evident in his tone.
I try to pull my arm free of his grip, but it’s no use. He’s far too strong for me. Shaking my head I confess to him, much like a sinner would to a priest, “No. I didn’t shoot up. I took a Xanax…” I wonder if I should ask him for his forgiveness or call him Father. I giggle at the thought of calling him that, thinking of the mere shock that would flash across his face.
He scrunches his nose, “What the fuck are you giggling about? Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?”
“I… I’m sorry. I thought of something and…” I stop talking, not even bothering to say another word. It won’t do any good, and it’ll just be a fuck fest.
“It’s great to know that you can just think of something else and avoid the seriousness of our situation. What the fuck were you thinkin’, Angel? You’ve been clean for weeks. What was goin’ on in that mind of yours that would make you want to pop a xannie?” He releases my arm at that, pulling himself away from me. In all the time that I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him do this. Never have I witnessed him put a wall up between us. It’s just showing me how upset he is with my actions.
I run my hand through my blonde hair and twirl my fingers around the ends, trying to think of the right words to say. But there aren’t any, are there? “Every day I feel like I shouldn’t be here,” I mumble it out lowly, almost so low that I think he can’t hear me. I stare down at my fingers intertwined in my locks before I continue, “I feel like I don’t belong here, like I’m an outcast. I try not to feel like this, but sometimes I can’t help it. I was never in this life, I was on the opposite end of the spectrum. Pain and Chaos chose to change their lives to find the sort of family here that we never had back home and I understand it. I can’t blame them for it, everyone here can be great when they want to be.” I smile lightly before looking up to Trick. “I don’t know if you’ll ever understand why I feel like this, but I’m trying to. I’m human, I have good days and I have bad ones, but just know I’m trying. I’m trying so damn hard to have the best days that I can, but today wasn’t a good day.”
“Yesterday,” He corrects, his eyes glued to mine. “Why wasn’t it a good day?”
“Elena wanted to talk to me about helping out more around here, and af
ter we talked I told her I’d cook. So, I did cook up some stir fry, and she came back a while later and spit it out right in front of me. She didn’t even swallow it, Trick. Just told me it was fucking disgusting. It was my first real attempt at fitting in here and I was shot down in the worst way possible. Fuck! You might just think it was food, that it’s something dumb to get upset about, but it wasn’t just food to me. It was an opportunity to be viewed as more than just Trick’s charity case druggie girlfriend.” I can’t help the tears that slip past my eyes. Everything I’m telling him right now is coming straight from the heart, in a way that I didn’t think it would. Hell, I didn’t think I’d even confess how it made me feel.
Trick grabs my hands, pressing his lips to my palms. “It’s not dumb, baby. It’s important to you, which means it’s even more important to me. I just want you to be happy, but know that Elena told me she was havin’ a bad day with her pregnancy yesterday. The baby didn’t like the way it smelled. That’s why she spit it out. It wasn’t anythin’ you did.” He rises up from his seat and presses his lips softly against mine, reassuring me of my place here.
It’s moments like this where I thank God that he claimed me, that it wasn’t anyone else. The man can handle me at my best and at my worst, which is something that no other has ever been able to do. We may butt heads quite a bit, but we have these moments too, and I think it’s well worth the occasional banter.
“Now, why’d you take the xannie?”
I sigh, “I just wanted to not feel anything. I didn’t want to feel sad, but I didn’t want to feel happy. I just wanted to be, and I wanted some damn good sleep.”
He grumbles before I even finish what I’m saying. “You don’t need drugs to help you sleep. You just need to be tired. Next time I’ll make your ass run around the track until you pass out.”
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