The Christmas Wish List

by Heidi Swain

  ‘You all right in there, Hattie?’

  I came to with a start and realised that I must have drifted off. For a moment I wasn’t sure where I was and then I turned and saw Jonathan standing naked, with mussed up hair in the doorway.

  ‘I’m very all right,’ I said, ‘thank you very much.’

  ‘Room for a little one?’ he asked suggestively.

  ‘I suppose I could shift over a bit.’

  I drained some of the water, refilled it with hot and added a few more bubbles. There was something very stirring about being in the water, but in spite of my best efforts to enjoy myself as much as Jonathan obviously was, I couldn’t quite get there and ended up faking it. It was something I had never done before. He was certainly none the wiser, but I felt rotten.

  ‘How about,’ he suggested, as he laid back and watched me climb out and wrap myself in the biggest, fluffiest towel imaginable, ‘we don’t go down to dinner tonight. Let’s have it served here.’

  ‘But what about your massage? You haven’t forgotten about that, have you?’

  ‘What you’ve just done has pretty much sorted my alignment,’ he grinned. ‘I’ll have it tomorrow instead.’

  I was going to remind him that I didn’t want to be too late heading back to Wynbridge and that there probably wouldn’t be all that much time for pampering by the time we’d had breakfast but didn’t want to spoil the moment. This, in spite of the unusually unsatisfactory sex, was the most it had felt like ‘us’ since I opened Dolly’s front door and found him standing there. Surely it was better to nurture that feeling, than kill it dead?

  ‘All right,’ I agreed, ‘but can we eat early? I’m absolutely famished.’

  Chapter 19

  Jonathan slept far better that night than I did, but in spite of that I could tell he was in a bit of a grump the next morning by the way he threw back the covers and disappeared into the bathroom. The proposal Dolly had predicted had still to materialise and I couldn’t really imagine that he was going to ask me today, not if his less-than-sunny early-morning attitude was anything to go by.

  ‘Are you looking forward to your massage?’ I asked when he finally reappeared, his hair damp from the shower.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your massage,’ I said again. ‘In the spa.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ he shrugged. ‘I guess.’

  ‘I thought I might come with you.’

  I didn’t particularly fancy it to be honest, but if sticking together helped alleviate his bad mood then I would give it a go. Having me glued to his side was usually just how he liked things.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked when he didn’t say anything.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘I daresay you’re feeling a bit jetlagged.’

  ‘It’s not that,’ he interrupted a little sharply.

  So, it was something then. I waited for him to elaborate.

  ‘I just wish we had longer together, that’s all.’

  ‘I’m sorry about that,’ I told him.

  I was still annoyed I hadn’t thought to cancel my Winter Wonderland plans but was relieved that I had had the sense to factor in some wriggle room when I told Dolly I would be back in Wynbridge in time for school the following morning.

  I supposed if Jonathan really put his parts on then I could extend our stay in the hotel for another night, so long as we left first thing in the morning and I was at the school gate before the bell went.

  ‘I still don’t see what’s so important that it’s stopping you from coming back to the flat with me today.’

  I hadn’t factored in that much wriggle room. I opened my mouth to tell him about the Wish List and Dolly’s reason behind suggesting it, but stopped. Jonathan wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t get it at all.

  ‘Come on,’ he said peevishly when I didn’t answer. ‘I’m starving. I want to go down to breakfast. Hurry up, will you?’

  The breakfast was every bit as lavish as the rooms. One of the waiting staff ticked our room number off the list, showed us to a table and began to run through the help yourself set-up.

  ‘We know the drill,’ Jonathan grumbled.

  I watched the young girl turn red.

  ‘And I used to work in a hotel,’ I told her with a supportive smile, ‘so I know how these things work.’

  She nodded, her cheeks flushed pink.

  ‘It’s hotel policy, to explain everything,’ she mumbled, then took our drink order and scurried away.

  ‘What did you have to say that for?’ Jonathan demanded.

  ‘What?’

  ‘That you worked in a hotel.’

  To make up for your rudeness, was what I wanted to throw back at him, but I didn’t.

  ‘Does it matter?’

  It sounded very much to me like he was embarrassed that I had mentioned it. It hadn’t bothered him before. Perhaps he didn’t think working in a hotel matched his new and loftier position of employment.

  ‘For all that poor girl knows,’ I said lightly, ‘I could have been manager of a whole chain of hotels.’

  Jonathan looked at me, then pushed back his chair and stood up. I hoped he’d feel better with a few carbs whizzing around his system.

  ‘If you want your eggs cooked differently,’ another staff member said to me, as I dithered over the hotplates, ‘just ask. Chef will be happy to cook whatever you fancy; however, you like it.’

  Full marks to the staff for making the guests feel like a priority, our every whim was quite literally catered for. I was impressed.

  ‘It’s not that,’ I said. I could see the eggs were poached to perfection. ‘I just can’t decide whether to have one or two.’

  My plate was already modestly covered with crisp bacon, a very tasty-looking local sausage and grilled tomatoes.

  ‘I’d have two,’ the guy smiled, ‘then give it an hour or so and swim it off in the pool.’

  ‘That sounds like a very good idea,’ I laughed, adding a couple of the eggs to my plate.

  ‘What the hell are you doing?’ Jonathan hissed at my side.

  The waiter had fortunately turned to talk to someone else so didn’t catch my companion’s aggressive tone.

  ‘Choosing my breakfast,’ I said, ‘I’m sorted now.’

  Jonathan looked at my plate with a cold stare. He’d gone for muesli and a large glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. Just a few weeks ago I would have had the same. I blamed Dolly for my increase in appetite and love of a good cooked breakfast. This morning I thought I was likely to need it more than ever and was grateful she’d shown me the error of my ways when it came to knowing what to eat according to the schedule. Obviously, it wasn’t something I tucked into too often, but it had become a firm favourite on heavier going days.

  ‘Are you seriously going to eat all that?’ Jonathan snapped, ‘or were you just tempted over here by the pretty waiter who showed you some attention?’

  I looked at him wide-eyed and realised that he wasn’t simply hangry, it was the Jonathan from the dim and distant past who had woken up in the bed next to me. But where on earth had he sprung from and, more importantly, why?

  ‘Of course, I’m going to eat it,’ I said, quickly walking away in the hope that he would follow. ‘You said yourself that you were hungry, well, so am I.’

  My pot of tea and Jonathan’s coffee were already at the table.

  ‘When the hell did that silly girl bring this?’ he barked, his eyes searching the room for the culprit. ‘It’s most likely cold now.’

  It wasn’t cold at all and I knew she would have rushed over with it to avoid having to talk to us again. I couldn’t blame her. If I had the option, I would have avoided us, or at least one of us, too.

  ‘I don’t know how you can eat that,’ Jonathan moaned as I tucked in. ‘No wonder you’ve packed the weight on.’

  I didn’t think I had put any weight on. I’d hardly been sitting around twiddling my thumbs during my time with Dolly, but knew it was easier to let him rant than try
and stop him mid-flow. I would just have to let him blow himself out and hope that the person administering his massage knew what they were about.

  ‘I was going to suggest we had a swim later,’ he said, when I didn’t get upset about the weight jibe, ‘but you’ll sink if you go in after that lot.’

  My prolonged silence seemed to do the trick, and I was pouring the last of the tea before he spoke again.

  ‘Look,’ he said, pushing aside the crockery and glasses so he could hold my hand across the table. ‘I’m sorry, all right. I know I’ve been a bit grumpy this morning.’

  A bit!

  ‘But I am tired from travelling and I thought that if you came back with me today, then that would be it. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything other than work and packing and I certainly wouldn’t have to drive out to the back of beyond again to pick you up.’

  I sighed and let him hold my hand. This sudden reemergence of the Jonathan of old was a direct result of him not getting his own way, the perfect example of a fully-grown man having a toddler tantrum. Doubtless he had been expecting me to say I’d go along with what he wanted when I woke up and was moping because I hadn’t backed down.

  I was more than disappointed that he wasn’t keeping the promises he’d made, and that I’d been so sure of, the evening Beamish and I went to the pub, but there was no way I was going to be manipulated into changing my mind. I might not have been away from Jonathan for all that long, but I had already discovered I had changed quite a bit and he had better start coming to terms with the stronger, more independent version of me otherwise he was going to be stuck with a baby he didn’t want. Himself.

  ‘I have no more luggage now than when I came,’ I told him reasonably, ‘so there’s absolutely no reason why you have to worry about making the journey again. I’m more than capable of getting myself back. I mean, I made it here all right, didn’t I?’

  Clearly, that was not what he was hoping to hear and I remembered how he had tried to sow those seeds of doubt about my ability to travel solo on the day I came to Wynbridge.

  ‘I’m going straight to the spa,’ he said coldly, withdrawing his hand and standing up. ‘I’ll see you back in the room.’

  Safe in the knowledge that he was having his knots untied elsewhere, I locked myself in the bathroom, and turned my phone back on. I quickly scanned the messages, which were from Beamish, including one explaining that Dolly had told him I had decided to take myself off to explore more of the local landscape.

  He thought it was an odd time to go, what with the auction and our plans to visit the Wonderland, but still kindly listed a few local landmarks he thought it would be worth my while seeking out. I wondered why Dolly had decided not to mention Jonathan when she explained my untimely disappearance from the town. Surely, it would have been the perfect opportunity to drop him into the conversation. But then, why should she? Jonathan was my partner, not hers. Perhaps, like me, she also felt it was a little too late to announce him.

  Knowing Jonathan might not be much longer I quickly flicked to my email account. I gasped in surprise when I saw one from Mum sitting in my inbox. I stared at it for at least a minute and then, with shaking hands, sat on the floor, my back against the bath, and opened it.

  I read it once, quickly, scanning the words and then, because I thought I must have missed something, tried again. I took my time over each and every sentence two, three, four times, my breakfast churning in response. Surely this couldn’t be right. There had to be some mistake. Lots of mistakes. Was this even from my mother? I could hear her voice narrating as I read it, but surely what she was saying couldn’t be true?

  Darling Hattie, what a wonderful surprise it was to receive your card and letter. It didn’t arrive until Friday and, knowing there was too little time to write back before Christmas, I rang your mobile and the hotel but having no success have decided to email instead.

  Obviously, I wasn’t contactable through the hotel now and Jonathan had insisted I took on a new mobile number when I changed my phone. I can’t remember why he thought it was a good idea when I had considered it a right royal pain in the butt, but now . . .

  Your father and I are absolutely delighted to know that you and Jonathan are still together and have such exciting times ahead! We always hoped that once you had time to come to terms with things you would come back to us again, and although we didn’t think it would take so long, we knew we had to respect your wishes and leave you in peace if we wanted our Harriet back. Looking back, it probably was naïve of us to think that it had all been resolved. Thank goodness Jonathan put you in touch with his therapist to help you finally put your demons to rest.

  The more I read, the less sense any of it made, unless . . .

  It’s a relief to know that you understand why we interfered (as you put it), in your relationship with David, but we’re at a loss to understand some of the other things you wrote. The day Jonathan came and told us that the therapist had advised cutting yourself off from us for a while was a shock and I know the letter I sent back with him was . . .

  ‘Hattie!’

  I jumped almost out of my skin as Jonathan hammered on the door. My phone clattered to the floor, where it skittered across the tiles, but thankfully didn’t crack.

  ‘What are you doing in there?’

  I retrieved the phone, turned it off and stuffed it back into my bag.

  ‘Nothing,’ I said, opening the door so he could see for himself. ‘I was just about to brush my teeth. You were quick.’

  ‘I changed my mind,’ he scowled. ‘Given the limited time we’ve got, I thought we’d best spend it together.’

  Given what I had just read and realised, spending time with him was the last thing I wanted. I was more inclined to tear him limb from limb than cuddle up with him. There was no way I was going to suggest spending another night at the hotel now. I needed to get away, find some space to fully take onboard what I had just discovered.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he asked. ‘You look a bit, pale, but then you did overdo it at breakfast, didn’t you?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I told him, sitting on the still unmade bed. My legs were wobbling every bit as badly as they had been the night I went ice skating. ‘Actually, I’m pleased you’ve come back. I want to talk to you about something.’

  He picked up the remote for the television and began flicking through the channels. The news blared out one minute, a music video on MTV the next. It was all I could to stop myself from launching across the room and wrenching the controller out of his hand, but I waited, a paragon of patience, until he decided to turn it off again.

  ‘What?’ he huffed, dumping himself heavily on to the bed next to me. ‘What do you want to talk about?’

  I twisted round on my knees so I was facing him and laid one of the pillows across my lap.

  ‘My parents.’

  ‘Have you heard from them?’

  His tone was sharp, his brow furrowed and I knew why now. I knew the real reason why my mention of them would send him into a tailspin and it had nothing to do with protecting me and my feelings.

  ‘No,’ I lied.

  I couldn’t show my hand too soon. I needed to fully assimilate what I had discovered, and read the end of the email, before I presented him with it. For now, I simply wanted to gauge his reaction when my parents were mentioned and check the line he was taking about them.

  ‘I just think it would be a good idea if we discussed what to say if they did get in touch, that’s all,’ I went confidently on.

  He was quiet for a second, then his explosive temper, which had been bubbling away all morning, burst out of him like blistering lava pouring out of a volcano.

  ‘You couldn’t just leave it alone, could you?’ he shouted. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if you sent that fucking card on purpose!’

  I had been braced for a reaction, but the sudden increase in volume made me flinch.

  ‘Well, I didn’t,’ I rallied, recoiling as I gripped the pil
low tighter.

  ‘Don’t interrupt!’ he shouted, leaning across the bed, his face just inches from mine. ‘Don’t you dare interrupt.’

  I didn’t dare do anything other than breathe. I had seen him angry before, but nothing like this. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to burst.

  ‘Why can’t you ever be satisfied with it just being us?’

  Obviously, I didn’t answer.

  ‘I had the most amazing surprise planned for today,’ he carried on; his volume dial still set to maximum. ‘Did you know that? A massive surprise, just for you but then you came over all doe eyed in the dining hall and I thought—’

  I wasn’t having that.

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Flirting with that waiter and making yourself look ridiculous.’

  Oh my god! Was he really going to do that? I looked over his shoulder, imagining each and every one of the promises he’d made me flying out of the open window and dissolving into the ether.

  ‘And now you’re back on about your bloody parents,’ he raged on. ‘Sometimes I wonder if I really know who you are at all, Hattie!’

  Given what I’d just read and was now witnessing I could say exactly the same of him.

  ‘They aren’t interested in you,’ he said cruelly. ‘So, they won’t be getting in touch, will they? And just in case you’ve forgotten, you were the one who made me go and tell them that you didn’t want anything to do with them anymore.’

  But how much of that entire scenario was actually down to him? If I had interpreted Mum’s email correctly, then it was looking more and more likely that Jonathan had used the situation to suit his needs. He had set himself up as puppet master and we had all jumped when he pulled our strings. He had been feeding me one thing and Mum and Dad something entirely different and we had lapped it up. He must have been in his manipulative element.