No Other Love

by Harper Bliss

  “Who is it?” Rita quirked up her eyebrows.

  “Kristin.” Annie had wanted to say that name out loud to someone for such a long time, it was a relief to finally spill the beans.

  “Your new business partner.” She pursed her lips together. “I can definitely see the attraction.”

  “You can?” Annie couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice.

  “She’s beautiful, accomplished, successful, and saved your book shop. Yes, of course I can see it.” Rita leaned over the table. “But nothing has happened?”

  “God no. She doesn’t even know. Nobody knows. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you.”

  “Because talking about it is always better than keeping it inside and letting it fester until it all boils over, I presume.” Rita was so different from Lou. So much more direct. Her forward ways reminded Annie of Sheryl a little.

  “But it doesn’t change the fact that here I am. A grown woman. Approaching sixty no less. Knowing full well how much pain this could cause Jane, yet unable to change anything about my feelings.”

  “It’s just a crush. Kristin is in a long-term relationship and so are you. It’s harmless, Annie. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

  “Easier said than done.” Annie drank again. “Do you think I should tell Jane?”

  “Heavens no. Why would you do that? Why would you run the risk of hurting her with that knowledge? It’s just a crush.” Rita narrowed her eyes. “Or is it?”

  “Nothing will ever happen. Of that I’m sure.” Annie sighed. “But I just want to be over it already. It’s taking up too much of my energy. I see too much of her. It’s getting embarrassing.”

  “No one ever died of a little embarrassment. It will pass. These things do. Just let it run its course and don’t make more of it than it is.” Rita leaned back again, relaxing. “If anything, at our age, we should be happy we can still be prone to a mad infatuation like that. Doesn’t it make you feel more alive?”

  Was Rita talking from personal experience? “Do you mean to say it has happened to you?” Annie’s eyes grew wide.

  “Of course it has. I dare you to find anyone, and I mean anyone, in a long-term relationship, who hasn’t had feelings for someone other than their partner at some point.” Rita made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “I love Reg dearly. We’ve been a great team for such a long time and I hope to grow really old alongside him, but having the occasional crush doesn’t say anything about my love, nor my respect for him. In fact, it has nothing to do with him.”

  “Crikey.” Annie managed a chuckle for the first time since their conversation had started. “I take it you didn’t stray.”

  “Only in my head, and really, what’s wrong with that? It’s about time we all started being a whole lot less-holier-than thou about our thoughts and fantasies, because that’s all they are. Thoughts are just thoughts. They’re not real. As long as you don’t act on the attraction and start going behind your spouse’s back, I don’t see anything wrong with any of it.” She huffed out some air. “I’m pretty sure Reg has had his fair share of fantasies starring other women over the years, and I don’t begrudge him any.”

  Annie looked at her friend with different eyes. They’d met around the time Annie had wanted to change her life and had started the book shop. Lou was only a little girl back then.

  “It’s going to be all right.” Rita patted Annie on the knee. “Now give me some gossip about my daughter’s new girlfriend. Just a little something I can lord over her when I need to.” Rita broke out into a chuckle.

  “Mia gets along surprisingly well with Jane.”

  “Do you like her?” Rita asked, her tone suddenly very inquisitive.

  “I do. A lot. Mia is great. She’s perfect, really.”

  “A bit too perfect, wouldn’t you say?”

  Annie was taken aback. She had no intention of badmouthing Mia in front of her girlfriend’s mother.

  “Trust me on this. I know for a fact she’s not perfect,” Rita said.

  “None of us are.” Annie tried to read more information off of Rita’s face. “Do you have a problem with Mia and Lou dating?”

  “Let’s just say I have my reasons for doubting her. But Lou has fallen for her big time and I’m certainly not one to stand in the way of my daughter’s happiness. Which doesn’t mean I’m not keeping a keen eye on Mia Miller. And if she ever hurts Lou, she’ll have me to deal with.”

  “As far as I can tell, Mia adores Lou.”

  “Of course she does. Lou is extremely adorable.” Rita finished the last of her wine. “And I’m not just saying that as her mother.” Some of the intensity had drained from her tone. “I’m sorry I can’t tell you what my doubts are about. Lou has sworn me to secrecy and I would be a bad mother if I told you. In fact, I may have told you too much already. Please keep this conversation between us.”

  “Everything disclosed here tonight will forever remain between the two of us,” Annie declared dramatically.

  “Good. Now I’d best get back to my husband. Give my love to Jane.”

  They hugged goodbye and Annie sat staring in front of her for a while longer, mulling over Rita’s wise words. She had to believe they were wise, if only to absolve herself.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jane opened her eyes, let the first thoughts of the day flood her brain, realized it was Monday morning, and sank back into the pillow. She always woke up at six, most of the time without the need for an alarm, and today was no different. Even though she and Annie could have a lie-in, snuggle until midday if they so wanted, her body clock woke her.

  Jane expelled a deep breath. She didn’t have to write today. Quite often, when she was in the middle of a first draft, she felt a twinge of sadness at not being able to continue the story she was crafting, but today it was a relief. No big sighs in front of her screen, which was only filled with sentences she knew in her gut were not good enough. No feelings of worthlessness because, increasingly so, she was becoming less of a writer. And if she wasn’t a writer, what on earth was she?

  She pushed the thought of writing from her brain and considered the day ahead. The shop was closed. If she felt so inclined, she wouldn’t have to see another living soul apart from her wife. The thought rather appealed to Jane. A day to recharge. Read a little. Cook an elaborate dinner. Watch a few episodes of that show on Netflix about all those lesbians in prison. Doing absolutely nothing, guilt-free. She stretched out her limbs like a cat which had just woken from the most satisfying nap and had another one to look forward to not long after.

  “Morning, babe.” Annie rolled on her side and reached for Jane. “Please tell me it’s Monday.”

  “Nope. Sorry, it’s Tuesday. The start of another six-day work week. But that shouldn’t bother you. You love your job so much it’s not work at all. It’s your life.” Jane turned to face her wife, a big smile plastered across her lips.

  “We all need a break from our routine, no matter how much we love our job.” Annie shuffled closer, not taking the bait. “You say the same exact thing every Monday morning and, just like any other Monday, I’m not falling for it.” Annie pecked Jane on the lips.

  “Come here.” Jane pulled Annie as close to her as possible. Their warm skins coming together sent a frisson of excitement up her spine. The last few weeks, Jane had started wondering why they didn’t have more relaxed mornings like this. When nothing urgent awaited them and their minds were free of the clutter of the upcoming day and it was just them, naked in bed, with nothing much to worry about at all.

  Maybe once the shop was fully back on its feet and they could afford to, they could hire someone to mind it for a few half days a week. If they both planned to work past the general retirement age—and they did—they would need to take more breaks than one day a week and a ten-day holiday once a year.

  “Hm,” Annie groaned into Jane’s flesh. “Let’s not get up today. Let’s just stay in bed.”

  Jane wondered if the transition from
just-book-shop to book-shop-plus-coffee-shop had been more taxing than expected for Annie as well. She wasn’t one for lingering in bed too long, unless she was reading the newspaper on her iPad and got sucked into an interesting long read. Unless… Oh yes, of course.

  “Okay, babe.” Jane tried to reconnect with that pang of excitement that had coursed through her earlier, but it seemed to have disappeared somewhere beyond her reach.

  Annie was peppering kisses along her collar bone already. Her lips were moving upward, on their way to Jane’s, who didn’t have it in her to say she didn’t much feel like it. Not on a Monday morning like this when she had all the time in the world. And who knew, maybe this could unblock her writing. Maybe all she needed was that moment of surrender to release whatever had been keeping her from accessing her subconscious brain the way she needed to when writing.

  But as their foreplay progressed from kissing each other on the lips to their hands roaming all over each other and, after a while, Annie’s hand descending between Jane’s legs, Jane didn’t feel much more fire burning in her belly than she had before Annie had started kissing her. What was wrong with her? The usual thrum between her legs wasn’t present and Annie’s hand there felt more like a nuisance than a turn-on.

  “Are you all right?” Annie whispered in her ear. “You seem miles away.”

  “I don’t know.” It was as close to the truth as Jane could get.

  “Do you want to take a break?” Annie sounded concerned.

  “How about I, er, just do you,” Jane said.

  “Do me? Since when do you do me?” Annie’s hand retreated from between Jane’s legs. She pecked her on the cheek. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but, um, things are pretty dry down there. I couldn’t have gotten a finger in, even if you wanted me to, which I suspect you didn’t really want in the first place.”

  “I’m sorry, babe. I don’t know what’s going on with me.”

  “We have plenty of lube.” Annie’s voice was soft.

  Jane didn’t know what to say—or perhaps didn’t want to face the consequences of what Annie had just said. “But… that’s your lube.”

  Jane painted a small smile on her lips. “It’s very much our lube, honey.” She paused. “You know why I need it.”

  “I’m only forty-five,” Jane said on a sigh.

  “If you repeat that sentence and omit the word ‘only’ it makes perfect sense.” Annie caressed Jane’s shoulder.

  “What do you mean?” She knew very well what Annie meant. She’d gone through it with her, albeit when Annie was a few years older than forty-five.

  “It’s nature. It’s nothing for you to feel bad about.”

  “I don’t feel bad. Well, maybe I do. I don’t know. This may sound silly, but I used to get so wet.”

  “I know, but luckily we live in the twenty-first century and we have at our disposal a great range of lubrication products which we can order on the internet from the privacy of our home. It doesn’t have to change that much.”

  “It’s not just that, though.” The next bit was even harder to say. “I just, er, wasn’t feeling it that much.”

  “If you remember my stints in the throes of peri- and then full-blown menopause, that is also perfectly normal. I’ve been there. I understand. So don’t exasperate yourself any further by feeling guilty about it. Everything you’re going through is perfectly normal.”

  Jane made a mental note to google whether peri-menopause also influenced intellectual performance. Maybe it wasn’t her writing ability that was dwindling. Maybe it was bloody menopause—and all she needed to fix it was a shot of hormones.

  “But I haven’t fulfilled my natural destiny yet.” Jane needed to lighten the atmosphere in the room with a joke. “I haven’t produced any children. And now my eggs are shriveling up.”

  A laugh bubbled in Annie’s throat. “Yes well, you’re not alone in that either. We have both failed in that respect.” She snuggled closer to Jane again. “How about we go to Zuma and treat ourselves to a buffet brunch of expensive sushi and mimosas to celebrate our failure to meet society’s expectations?”

  “How about we stay home and I make us a stack of pancakes instead?” Jane pressed herself against Annie’s still-warm skin.

  “Sounds like heaven to me.” Annie put her arms around Jane. “I’m here if you want to talk about this more. Thus far, I’ve been the menopause expert in this marriage. I’ll happily share my first-hand knowledge with you.”

  “Just hold me for a while longer.” Jane exhaled, then breathed in Annie’s scent, the warm comforting smell of her wife, and despite the subject of their conversation, she was grateful for the moment.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Annie couldn’t believe she was sitting across from Caitlin James. She had shown her around the shop and stopped at the mini-display of her books they had put up, to which Caitlin had reacted with a pleased groan.

  On top of that, Kristin was sitting at the table with them as well. Mere months ago, Annie had been considering selling her shop to Pages, and now here she sat, talking about a Caitlin James reading in her shop with the woman she had a benign crush on—that was how she had relabeled it in her head after her conversation with Rita. Because it was benign. Annie loved and was devoted to Jane. And Annie used the same logic that Rita had applied when she’d rationalized her own past crushes. Annie’s infatuation with Kristin had, in essence, nothing to do with Jane.

  This reasoning also allowed her to imagine Kristin having the same sort of benign crush on her. It didn’t matter that it was pure fantasy. They both felt the same but couldn’t possibly let on, which didn’t mean they couldn’t privately indulge in their separate fantasies. Annie was certain of one thing: how she felt about Kristin was miles away from how Jane had felt about Beth Walsh. This was no threat to Annie’s relationship with her wife at all. And Jane need never know.

  Meanwhile, Annie would just enjoy it as guilt-free as she possibly could. As she did now, watching Kristin gesticulate with those measured hand movements of hers. Nothing Kristin said or did was ever too much. She was so elegantly restrained in her tiniest gestures, with the emphasis on elegant. Someone else might call it uptight, but to Annie it was pure grace in motion. Kristin was perfectly aware of her boundaries and never even came close to overstepping them.

  Caitlin’s phone started ringing. “I’m so sorry.” She looked at the screen. “Jack again.” She shot Kristin a look, as if Kristin knew all about Jack.

  “He keeps asking Caitlin to take over The Zoya Das Show. I think he’s pretty close to convincing her,” Kristin said.

  “That show ended when Zoya emigrated to France, didn’t it?” Annie spoke as if she knew Zoya Das personally, even though she had never met her.

  “I think it started as a joke between Zoya and Caitlin that Caitlin would take her place once Zoya left, but the idea seems to have gained traction since. Obviously it wouldn’t be called The Zoya Das Show anymore.” Kristin gave a half-smile.

  “I can’t believe you know Zoya Das,” Annie said. Kristin’s appeal was growing by the minute.

  “She’s just a person like the rest of us. Someone who got her heart broken, had to put herself back together, and found love again. Having your face on TV doesn’t change anything about the more mundane facts of life.”

  “I guess not.” Was Annie being scolded by Kristin for admiring Zoya Das and her connection to her?

  “We’re all so obsessed with fame and gossip columns and celebrities, while none of it means a thing. Yet, when Angelina Jolie leaves Brad Pitt, it’s breaking news.” Kristin shook her head. “I told Caitlin to have a good hard think about appearing on television on a weekly basis, although she can probably handle it.” Finally, a smile. “She was pretty famous in the States. My guess is she misses the attention. Some people are born for the spotlight. I think Caitlin is one of them, and I would definitely watch her show.”

  “As would I.” Annie couldn’t help but notice a shift in th
e energy balance between her and Kristin. Or perhaps she was overly sensitive to the tone of Kristin’s voice, and picked up more nuance than was intended. Annie glanced at Caitlin, who looked to still be in the middle of an animated conversation. “Jane and I are still raving about that poussin you made. We should have you and Sheryl over for dinner soon, although I can’t promise the same culinary standards.”

  “Everyone always says that to me.” Kristin chuckled. “Even though I’ve never been disappointed by the food any of my friends have served me.”

  “You set a high bar.” Annie would discuss this dinner party with Jane soon. She wanted to serve Kristin a meal so she could be upgraded to friend status.

  Kristin waved off her comment, but gave a bashful smile nonetheless. “Lou told me about the charity kitchen you and her mother volunteer at. I’ve been meaning to ask you about it. I’d like to do something like that. Now that I have Mia and she has everything rolling like clockwork, I’d like to contribute to society more. I have the time, I might as well use it.”

  To Annie’s infatuated ears this sounded like the most beautiful piece of music ever composed “Of course. We can always use more volunteers. Rita, Lou’s mother, and I help out every Tuesday evening. How about you join us next Tuesday?” Annie sat up a little straighter and it was difficult to wipe that grin off her face.

  “Sounds good.” Kristin’s gaze lingered and at that moment Annie had to ask herself exactly how benign this crush was. If she introduced Kristin to Rita, maybe she could help her decide.

  Caitlin joined them again and throughout the conversation Annie couldn’t shake the thought of her and Kristin working side by side in the small space of the charity kitchen.

  After Kristin had left with Mia, Caitlin looked around the shop. “It’s so great that this place has been saved. Jo loves it.”