If I Were You

by Lynn Austin

  Audrey didn’t have a chance to see Robert the next morning before she and Eve had to hurry back to their base. She hadn’t slept well, unable to stop thinking about Eve’s words. Her feelings for Robert were so new and unfamiliar that she had no way of knowing what they were. She had merely floated along like a ship on calm seas, enjoying every moment with him. But Eve was right. What she felt was love. She was in love with gentle, brilliant, kind Robert Barrett. The possibility of losing him terrified her. What if he was killed in battle? What if he returned home to America and she never saw him again? What if he didn’t love her as much as she loved him?

  What if he did?

  For more than a week, Audrey silently debated these questions, sometimes so deep in thought that she would arrive at her destination and not remember driving there. Should she confess her love or play it safe? Maybe she could ask Louis if he knew how Robert felt before making a fool of herself. The only bright spots in her endless hours of transporting the injured to hospital were Robert’s letters—long, wonderful letters that brought Audrey joy every time she read them. And she read them again and again. But if Robert was in love with her, he never said so on those pages. Audrey knew it would be cowardly to confess her love for him in a letter. If she took the leap, she needed to do it in person so she could see his face when she said, I love you. But, oh, how it would hurt to see rejection in his eyes.

  Audrey had to wait three full weeks before she finally had a day off. As soon as she and Eve saw their names on the furlough roster, Eve turned to her and said, “We’re going to Wellingford.”

  “But it’s only a one-day leave,” Audrey said, trying not to panic. “We won’t have enough time.”

  “We can jump on the train as soon as our shift ends. You’ll have time. It only takes a few seconds to say, ‘I love you.’”

  “What if Robert can’t get time off?”

  “It doesn’t matter. We’re going. Write to him. Tell him you’re coming.”

  “I’m still not sure I can say it.”

  “Do you love him, Audrey?”

  “Yes . . . I think so.”

  “Then you’ll be able to say it when the time comes. You’ll thank me for this someday.”

  “I envy your certainty.”

  Audrey wrote and told Robert when she would arrive. He wrote back to say that he would be on duty all that day and wouldn’t return from the air base until after midnight. Can you meet me for breakfast in the morning before you catch your train back? he asked. Audrey waited up for him instead, knowing she would never be able to fall asleep. She listened from her bedroom window for the sound of his jeep and raced downstairs to the foyer the moment she heard it. He was with two other men, but she saw only Robert.

  “Audrey! You waited up!” His smile erased all the weariness from his face and made her heart leap like a wild thing. She nodded, unable to speak past the knot of joy in her throat. She reached for his hand, towed him into Father’s library, and closed the door. Before she could utter a word, Robert pulled her into his arms and kissed her. The warmth of his lips spread through her body until she felt as though she were melting. She had never been kissed this way before, and the surge of love and pleasure she felt overwhelmed her.

  “Audrey . . . ,” Robert whispered when they parted. He kissed her temple, her throat, then found her lips again. “I love you, Audrey,” he murmured as he held her tightly. “I love you so much!”

  Audrey’s tears brimmed, then overflowed. “I love you, too,” she breathed.

  He pulled away to look at her. “Why are you crying?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve been a blubbering mess all my life. And now . . . now I’ve never felt so happy in my life!”

  “Neither have I.” His eyes also filled with tears. “It’s just like in the movies, isn’t it? The joy! The unbelievable joy of being with the one you love.”

  “I waited up for you tonight because I wanted to tell you that I love you. I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow. But you said it first.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, turning serious. “Go ahead and tell me. I want to hear you say it again.”

  “I love you, Robert Barrett. More than I have words to say.”

  “Will you marry me, Audrey? I know we haven’t known each other long, but I can’t imagine the rest of my life without you.”

  “Yes. A thousand times, yes,” she replied, clinging to him. Audrey didn’t even pause to think about asking for Father’s approval. It didn’t matter. She could walk away from Wellingford Hall on Robert’s arm and never look back. They kissed again and her knees felt so wobbly she had to sit down with him on the sofa.

  “I know that the process of getting permission to marry will take time,” Robert said in between kisses. “I’ve already looked into all the red tape that GIs have to go through to marry foreign brides.”

  “You have?” she asked in astonishment.

  “Of course! I want to marry you, Audrey, and I hoped and prayed that you felt the same. According to War Department regulations, American soldiers stationed overseas need the approval of their commanding officers two months in advance. My CO is required to interview you, and there are dozens of forms to fill out. I’ll have to provide letters from the States to confirm that I have a job back home and the means to support you. In some cases, the Army wants assurance that soldiers’ families support their decision. But I’m over twenty-one, so that shouldn’t matter.”

  Audrey felt a shiver of unease. “What if your parents don’t approve of me?”

  “They may be disappointed that I’m not marrying Linda, but I don’t think they’ll stand in our way. I’m their only child. They want me to be happy. No, the biggest hurdle right now is that all foreign marriages are forbidden until after the invasion. But I’ve been thinking about it all day, and if you’re willing to marry me, I think we should submit the paperwork right away. We’ll stand a better chance of it being approved by the time the war ends.”

  “Such beautiful words, Robert—us being married and this war finally ending.”

  “It will end. The Allies are making steady progress. . . . But you look so worried, darling. Is something else bothering you? Am I moving too quickly?”

  “No! I would marry you today! But how will you break the news to Linda? What will you tell her?”

  “I’ve been trying to prepare her for this event ever since you and I began writing to each other, because I knew then that I was falling in love with you. I’ve been very honest with Linda all along, since before I left home. I’ve told her frequently and emphatically how much I dislike the country-club life, playing tennis and golf, sailing expensive boats, spending money. She keeps saying I’ll change my mind. I’ve been telling her in my letters that I’m becoming more and more certain that I don’t want to become a lawyer after the war and live the way our parents do. She says I’m talking nonsense. I’ve also reminded her that we left our relationship open when we parted and that we’re both free to date other people. I even told her that I’ve been seeing you. She insists I’m the only man she’ll ever love. She’s living in some sort of fantasy world and believes she’s going to get her own way, because she always has.”

  “I feel sorry for her, Robert.”

  “I do, too. But now that I’ve fallen in love with you, I realize that I was never in love with Linda. I never felt this way about her. She and I both would have been cheated if we’d married.”

  “Is there no other way to soften the blow for her?”

  “She’s friends with Louis’s wife, Jean. Louis knows how I feel about you, so he asked Jean to talk to Linda, help her see that we want different things in life. That we’ve always wanted different things.” He pulled Audrey into his arms again, and it felt so right to be nestled close to him. She never wanted to leave his embrace. “I love you, Audrey. I can’t say it enough times. From now on, we’re going to dream about a future for the two of us.”

  “I’ve been trying to imagine how I would live my lif
e if I was starting over,” she said. “If I didn’t have to go back to the life my family expects of me. The truth is, I don’t think my father cares what I do or who I marry. The only person he has ever cared about is my brother, Alfie.”

  “Oh, Audrey . . .”

  “I don’t say that so you’ll feel sorry for me, but to tell you that I’m the only one who is putting limits on what I’ll do after the war. Mother is gone. I don’t have to live up to her expectations.”

  “Is that a frightening thought for you?”

  “No. It’s liberating. There’s so much uncertainty with the entire world at war. Such horrible things are happening, and we’re seeing the depths of evil that man is capable of. Somehow, it seems wrong to be as happy as I am right now. Are we crazy to plan a life together when the future is so tenuous? Only God knows our future.”

  “You’re right—we don’t know the future,” he said, kissing her again. “But we can continue to pray and trust God. The most hopeful, faith-filled thing we can do is to plan our life together.”

  That felt right to Audrey. Blissfully, wonderfully right.

  20

  ENGLAND, JUNE 1944

  The knock on Audrey’s dormitory door came just as she was waking up. “Meeting for all drivers in fifteen minutes!” She sat up in bed, rolling her shoulders to loosen the knots, pining for the luxury of a long, hot bath. Her ambulance unit had moved to a post near the southern coast to transport casualties from the D-Day invasion. The tension, along with the horrors of what she’d seen, had exacted a toll. She dreamed of clanging ambulance bells in her sleep—when she was able to sleep.

  “Fifteen minutes?” Eve groaned as she climbed from her bed. “Good thing we learned to dress quickly in basic training.”

  “Right. And to use the loo in sixty seconds.” Audrey pulled on the same pair of coveralls she’d worn yesterday and they hurried out of the dormitory together.

  “Maybe it’s good news,” Audrey said as they jogged up the street to the ambulance headquarters. The news had been hopeful lately. Rome had fallen to the Allies on June 4. The long-awaited D-Day invasion had finally come on June 6. An armada of airplanes had filled the sky that day, more than Audrey thought existed, some of them from Robert’s air base. At the end of those long days of anxiety and bloody warfare, the Allies established a foothold in France for the first time since the Dunkirk evacuation.

  “I’m so afraid to hope,” Eve said, panting from the uphill climb. “Do we dare believe the war might finally come to an end?”

  “But the cost . . . the lives lost. It’s horrible, Eve. Horrible! I thank God every day that Robert hasn’t left for France yet.”

  “Do you think they’ll transfer us across the channel to follow the advancing Army?”

  “Maybe that’s what this meeting is about.” It would be a dangerous assignment. Even after everything she’d endured, Audrey wondered if she was ready for it. “You and I have been driving the longest, Eve. Before conscription even started.”

  “Which means we’re the most experienced. They’ll need experienced drivers.”

  They squeezed into the former petrol station—now the ambulance command center—for the meeting. The other drivers looked as harried and weary as Audrey felt. Their commander called for everyone’s attention, and Audrey held her breath, waiting.

  “I know we’ve all been bracing for Hitler’s response to the D-Day invasion. . . . Well, the news is bad. We just learned that he has a new weapon. The V-1 missile resembles a torpedo with wings and is launched directly from bases in France and Holland without a pilot or an airplane. Each missile carries nearly two thousand pounds of explosives and causes enormous damage. They travel so fast that there’s no time for warning sirens. And unlike the Blitz, V-1 attacks happen around the clock, even in broad daylight. We haven’t discovered a way to shoot them down.”

  Audrey’s already-tense muscles tightened with fear. She glanced at Eve as the other drivers whispered among themselves. If Eve was frightened, she didn’t betray it. The officer raised her voice above the murmurs. “The engine that powers each missile makes an odd sputtering sound. Some say it’s a bit like a motorcycle with a faulty engine. Others describe a buzzing noise. Just before the missile falls to earth, the engine stops. Nothing else is heard until the explosion.” She paused again. This time the room fell silent. “Since firing the first missile on June 13, the Nazis have launched about a hundred a day, every day. With no advance warning, you’ll need to stay alert for the sound. If you think you hear one, get out of your vehicle and take cover.”

  “What if we’re transporting casualties?” someone asked.

  The officer shrugged. “Now, I’m asking for drivers who are familiar with London and are willing to transfer there. Central London is being hit especially hard by these missiles. Can I see a show of hands from volunteers?” Eve immediately raised hers. Audrey hesitated, then raised hers as well. “Thank you. All those who have volunteered, please remain after everyone else is dismissed.”

  They were told to pack their belongings and leave immediately for their new post at St. Thomas’s Hospital in central London. They would need to memorize the streets and landmarks. Most of the orderlies had followed the troops on D-Day, so Eve and Audrey would receive an emergency first aid course and be assigned to the same ambulance. They would be billeted in nurse housing and be on call when needed. The tension Audrey already felt spread to her stomach. She could barely manage tea and toast before hurrying back to her room to pack.

  “Such discouraging news,” Audrey said on the train to London later that morning. “Hitler’s new secret weapon sounds frightening. There’s no warning? No time to get to a shelter?”

  “If it’s our turn to die, what difference will it make how it happens?” Eve replied. “And you already know how I feel about sitting inside a shelter.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “I volunteered for your sake, you know.”

  “For mine?” Audrey asked. “What do you mean?”

  “You’ll be much closer to Wellingford Hall if we’re living in London. Closer to Robert.” Eve waited for her reaction, and when Audrey managed a smile, Eve laughed out loud. “Isn’t love wonderful?” she asked.

  Audrey felt herself blushing. “Yes. It is.”

  They barely had time to settle into their new living quarters at the hospital before their ordeal began. The new weapon with its seemingly random civilian targets had caused morale in the city to plummet again after the success of the long-awaited D-Day invasion. As soon as the report of a V-1 strike came in, Audrey and Eve had to jump into their vehicle and race to the scene, steeling themselves for the grisly sight of mangled bodies and severed limbs. St. Thomas’s Hospital was directly across the Thames River from Westminster Abbey, the Houses of Parliament, the Ministry of Defense, the Foreign Office, the Treasury. Buckingham Palace was a little farther on. All prime targets for enemy missiles.

  They had just reported for duty at the hospital on a clear Sunday morning a few days later when air-raid sirens wailed. A huge, window-rattling explosion quickly followed. Eve stood, grabbing her medical kit. “Here we go again.”

  Audrey stood as well, her skin tingling. “That sounded close. On the other side of the Thames, I’m guessing. Where all the government buildings are.” The telephone lines sprang to life.

  “A V-1 struck Guards’ Chapel on Birdcage Walk,” the dispatcher told them.

  “I know where that is,” Eve said. “Right next to Wellington Barracks.”

  “A worship service was in progress, with soldiers and civilians in the congregation. Casualties will be in the hundreds. Go!”

  “That’s a stone’s throw from Buckingham Palace,” Audrey said as she and Eve raced to their vehicle with the other drivers. Every doctor and nurse who could be spared accompanied them.

  Eve jumped behind the wheel and they drove across Westminster Bridge, alarm bells clanging. They drove past the Houses of Parliament and saw St. James’s Park
ahead on the right. A huge plume of dust billowed in the sky above the stricken chapel. Leaves and pine needles littered the roadway, blasted off the trees in the park by the explosion. A cloud of choking dust enveloped the block as they arrived, but it couldn’t hide a scene of utter devastation. Guardsmen from the nearby barracks worked to clear a path for the ambulances, directing them to park as close to the demolished chapel as possible. Doctors and nurses leaped from the rear of the ambulances.

  “The missile nose-dived straight into the chapel roof,” one of the guardsmen said. “The building collapsed on top of the congregation before anyone could get out. There may be as many as three hundred people trapped inside.”

  “Is there a way for us to tunnel in and tend to the injured?” one of the doctors asked. “We can offer morphine until they’re dug out from the debris.”

  “The main doors to the chapel are blocked. The heavy rescue teams are still searching for a way inside. We’ll let you know as soon as they find one.”

  Audrey stood beside Eve and the medical teams as they waited, feeling helpless. She stared at the toppled walls and caved-in roof, wondering how anyone could possibly survive. She relived the same nightmare that had haunted her dreams since the war began as she gazed at mounds of bricks and stones and jagged timbers and heard shattered glass crunching beneath the workers’ feet. And always, she was aware that helpless people were suffering, dying.

  The rescue teams signaled for silence. Audrey held her breath as they listened for moans and faint cries for help. Then came shouts from the rescue workers. “Over here!” Guardsmen from the barracks joined the digging, freeing the first victims and carrying the living to the waiting ambulances.

  “You drive to hospital, Eve,” Audrey said. “It’s such a short distance. I’ll stay here and help with triage.” She knew how to apply pressure to a bleeding wound, fasten a tourniquet, soothe terrified patients. Workers had tunneled into the interior of the chapel, and Audrey watched the courageous doctors and nurses crawl into the debris to administer morphine to trapped victims.