If I Were You

by Lynn Austin

  “Can you believe the war is finally over?” Eve shouted back. Audrey remembered Dunkirk and Coventry. The technical college in Liverpool. The Guards’ Chapel in London. The people who’d perished in all those places weren’t here to celebrate. But perhaps some of the people she and Eve rescued were.

  “I haven’t seen the streets this crowded since we watched the king’s funeral procession,” Audrey said. “Remember?” It had been a cold January day, not a mild spring one like today. The streets had been silent and somber, fitting for royalty. Today was for the ordinary people, the victory they celebrated was theirs. When the loudspeakers in Trafalgar Square broadcast the official announcement, Prime Minister Churchill echoed Audrey’s thoughts. “This is your victory,” he said. “The war is at an end. Long live the cause of freedom. God save the king!” The war wouldn’t end for Audrey until Robert and Alfie were home. The Allies still battled the Japanese, and Audrey feared Robert would be sent to the Pacific front.

  A hush fell over the crowd as King George VI began to speak in his soft, halting voice. The king offered thanks to God, “our strength and shield,” and said we must “thank Him for His mercies.” Afterwards, Audrey and Eve joined the crowd that surged toward Buckingham Palace to cheer him and the royal family. Across the plaza behind the iron gates, the king and queen, along with Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret, stood on the royal balcony waving to the cheering people. King George wore his military uniform, Princess Elizabeth an ATS uniform like theirs. “I daresay her uniform fits her better than ours do,” Audrey said, laughing.

  Eve grinned. “I’d like to know if she’s wearing those horrible regulation knickers!”

  People danced in the streets as the afternoon wore on. Eve pulled Audrey into a conga line. Bonfires illuminated the darkness as night fell, turning back the gloomy years of the blackout.

  “Ready to go home?” Audrey asked as it grew late. Eve nodded. They walked arm in arm to the Underground to keep from being separated. “I suppose our jobs with the ATS will be ending soon. What then?”

  “I’ll stay in London and work for as long as they let me,” Eve said, her voice hoarse from cheering. “It’ll give me time to figure out what to do and where to go.”

  “Then I’ll stay, too, while I wait for Robert.”

  Three days later, the telephone rang as Audrey prepared for bed. She and Eve didn’t get many calls and it unnerved her when it rang. She picked up the receiver, her heart pounding.

  “Hello, Miss Audrey? . . . Robbins calling, from Wellingford Hall.”

  She sat down on the edge of the bed. The tremor in Robbins’s voice was a bad sign. She remembered how he’d accompanied her to London after the town house was bombed and how she’d found comfort and strength from his steadfast presence during that long, terrible ride. She held her breath, wishing Robbins were with her now.

  “I’m so sorry to tell you, Miss Audrey, but your father received news of young Master Alfred. . . . They have confirmed that he died in battle. . . . I’m so very, very sorry.”

  Audrey let out a sob. Eve moved beside her and clutched her hand. “How . . . how is Father taking the news? Shall I come? Does he . . . does he want me to come?”

  “Your father isn’t here, I’m afraid. He left Wellingford after receiving the news. Mrs. Smith and I . . . we thought we should call you.”

  “Yes, I see.” Her father was the only family Audrey had left now, but they would be no comfort to each other. Alfie was gone. She couldn’t comprehend it. She couldn’t picture him dead, but only alive, with his mischievous smile and teasing voice, his hair blowing in the wind as they sailed together. How she loved him!

  “We’ll be here if you decide to come home, Miss Audrey.”

  “Thank you, Robbins. . . . I’ll . . . I’ll let you know.” She hung up the receiver as if it weighed a thousand pounds.

  “Alfie is gone, isn’t he,” Eve said.

  Audrey could only nod, her throat so tight she could barely breathe.

  “I knew he was. I already felt his loss.”

  Audrey had never been so grateful for Eve as she was in the days that followed the unthinkable news. Eve had loved Alfie too. They grieved together, as they shared memories of him, weeping until their eyes were swollen and red. They had lost their mothers together, and now they’d lost darling Alfie. Audrey would never see him again. Her grief seemed bottomless.

  Four months later, in early September, Robert wrote to say he was returning to London. The war in the Pacific was over, and he would be among the first troops to be demobilized and sent home to America. Audrey hadn’t seen Robert in nearly a year. Eve rode on the Underground to Victoria Station with her for the reunion.

  American soldiers jammed the train, jostling and laughing and hooting with joy. Audrey watched them pile from the coaches and spotted Louis first, standing taller than the others, his ginger hair shining. And there was Robert, right beside him. Audrey dropped the overnight case she was carrying and ran to him, weaving between the other soldiers. Robert’s duffel bag fell from his shoulder as he swept her into his arms. Audrey had never felt such joy in her life.

  “I’ve made reservations in a hotel nearby,” she told him after they’d kissed. “We can finally have a proper honeymoon.”

  “Let’s go.” They retrieved their bags and walked to the hotel, arms entwined. Audrey never wanted to leave their room again. At last, she knew what it was to be loved.

  Later, they talked about their future as they lay beneath the covers and nibbled from the room service tray. “I never asked how you felt about leaving your home and moving to America,” Robert said.

  “My home is wherever you are.”

  “My parents promised their support. They’re eager to welcome you into our family.”

  “I admit it will be hard to say goodbye to Wellingford. And it will be horrible to say goodbye to Eve. She’s like a sister to me.”

  “We’ll come back to visit. And Eve can visit us whenever she wants.”

  “I’ll tell her that.” Audrey smiled at him. But one matter was still unresolved before they could move on. She hated to spoil their bliss by bringing Robert’s former girlfriend into the conversation, but she needed to. “What about Linda? Has she adjusted to the news that we’re married?”

  “It seems so,” he said with a sigh. “My parents don’t mention her, and Linda stopped writing to me. I hope we can remain friends. Would that bother you, Audrey?”

  “Not at all.” She nestled against his shoulder, secure in his love. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.

  “I don’t feel right about ending things with Linda from a distance—even though I sent dozens of letters beforehand explaining my decision. I need to see her face-to-face and apologize if I hurt her. I need to ask her to forgive me.”

  “That’s kind of you, Robert. You have such a tender heart.” And so different from the other people in Audrey’s family. She would need to learn from him and try to forgive her parents for the ways they’d hurt her. “No one in my family ever talked about their feelings,” she said. “Feelings were kept behind closed doors, tightly locked and sealed. It’s going to be very different to be able to share them.”

  “We’ll both begin again and make a new life together. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I’ve decided to go to Yale Law School after all. I think I would make a good lawyer—but not a cutthroat one. A lawyer who works for good causes. And I won’t let it consume my life the way my father and grandfather did. We’ll live modestly.”

  “I would like to study nursing and become a proper one, someday.”

  “You have my full support, darling.” He lifted her hand and kissed it. “Whatever we do, we won’t let other people pile their expectations on us. The only ones worth living up to are the ones in the Bible.” Robert turned to face her. “When we joined the military, we made a commitment to serve a common mission, the cause of freedom. We followed commands and surrendered our lives and our decision-making to those in
charge. We went willingly into battle, prepared to give our lives, if necessary. And you nearly did lose yours.”

  “Eve saved my life. I’ll always owe her for that.”

  “As will I!” He leaned close and kissed her forehead. “Now I want to make the same commitment to serving God. For the rest of our lives, we can use the discipline we learned as soldiers, and the lessons we learned while fighting the war, to lay aside our own comfort and follow His commands. The fight against evil is far from over.”

  “That’s true. I know people who still need to be set free.” Audrey thought of her father. And Eve, who remained bitter toward God. “We’ll figure it out together,” she said, moving into his arms. “For the rest of our lives, we’ll always have each other.”

  Eve didn’t dare to embrace Louis when he got off the train at Victoria Station. Not with Audrey and Robert and the other GIs standing around on the platform. Everyone knew Louis was married. When Eve dared a glimpse of him, he was gazing at her. The tears of joy in his eyes matched her own. “Where are you headed, soldier?” she asked, smiling up at him.

  He grinned. “I don’t know. I’m new to this city. What do you recommend?”

  “Are you hungry? There’s a great fish and chips place not far from here.” Audrey and Robert left for their hotel, and after some discussion, three of Louis’s mates joined him and Eve for fish and chips. They all sat together, laughing and eating the greasy food, while Eve tried to pretend that she didn’t love Louis, that she wasn’t dying inside. “So where will you head next?” she asked.

  “We’re being discharged,” one of the men replied. “We’re heading home.”

  Home. Whenever Eve heard that word, no picture came to mind. Not Granny Maud’s cottage. Not her room on Wellingford’s third floor. She couldn’t call the countless boardinghouses and dormitories and hotels where she’d lived these past few years home. Even the tiny flat she now shared with Audrey wasn’t truly a home, but a temporary rental until her service with the ATS ended. And then what? “I’m happy for all of you,” she said, summoning a smile. “I imagine you’ll be glad to be home.”

  Louis lingered behind when the others finished their food and prepared to leave. “I’m walking Eve to her subway station,” he told them. “I need to keep her safe from roving Americans like you. I’ll catch up with you later.” Eve ached with love and longing as Louis walked to Sloane Square Station with her. “I’m probably the only GI who’s not happy about going home,” he said. “It means I’ll be leaving you. And I don’t want to say goodbye.”

  Eve took his hand and silently led him down the steps to the Underground. They rode to her stop, got off together, and she led him up the stairs to her flat. Audrey would be away for three days. “It’s very tiny,” she said when they were inside, “and not very fancy—”

  Louis pulled her to him, cutting off her words.

  She awoke in the night and stared at him, asleep beside her. She had forgotten to close the blackout curtains and could see him clearly in the moonlight. If only she could sleep beside him every night and wake up beside him every morning. She combed her fingers through his ginger hair and studied his face in the faint light, trying to imagine how she could make that happen, how they could be together for a lifetime. But as the moon slowly set and the sun rose, Eve knew it was impossible. Louis wasn’t hers to love.

  She climbed from her bed and dressed for work, moving quietly in the tiny flat so she wouldn’t wake him. But her rustlings did awaken him, and he propped himself up on his elbow and watched her.

  “Where are you going?” he asked, his voice thick with sleep. “Come back to bed.” He moved the blanket aside in invitation.

  Eve turned away. “I can’t, Louis. I’ll be late for work.”

  “Do you really have to go to work?”

  “Audrey has a good excuse to take a few days off, but I don’t. I’m sorry.”

  The bedsprings creaked as Louis climbed out of bed. Eve finished dressing, avoiding his clear blue eyes, inching away from him. Louis wasn’t hers. He never would be. She had to leave him. And she needed to do it quickly.

  “I don’t want you to go, Eve. I love you. Ever since we met, I’ve been trying to figure out how we can always be together, and—”

  “Don’t,” she said, holding up both hands to keep him away. “There’s nothing we can do. You’re an honorable man. You can’t abandon your wife and daughter.” She laced up her shoes, shrugged into her uniform jacket. Found her purse. Any minute now, she was going to fall apart.

  “I made a mistake when I married Jean. I don’t love her the way I love you. Jean was—”

  “Jean is your wife. It’s over between us. It has to be. You need to go home to her and Karen.” Eve fought back tears, the hardest battle of her life.

  “But I love you and you love me—”

  “That doesn’t matter! We can’t see each other again. What we feel for each other, what we had . . . you and I were just two more casualties of war.”

  “Eve, wait!”

  “Lock the door behind you when you go.”

  23

  LONDON, NOVEMBER 1945

  The war had ended three months ago. Audrey thought she would never have to sit in a bomb shelter again. Yet here she was, huddling in a damp crypt wearing pajamas beneath her coat. She wrapped her arms around her raised knees to keep warm. She still trembled after being startled from sleep by news of an unexploded bomb in the rubble across the street from her flat. The smell of damp and mold sent a wave of nausea through her. She hoped she wouldn’t be sick. She’d wrestled with nausea every day this week until finally admitting the reason for it. She needed to tell Eve the news. Audrey moved closer to her, leaning in. “Eve, listen. I need to tell you a secret.”

  Eve looked as though she was trying not to smile. “Should I cross my heart and swear on my life not to tell?” she asked.

  Audrey drew a shaky breath. “I think I’m pregnant.”

  For a moment, Eve appeared stunned. Then she pulled Audrey into a hurried embrace. “Congratulations.”

  “I haven’t written to tell Robert yet. I’m afraid to. It was an accident. We took precautions . . .”

  “He’ll be happy, just the same,” Eve said, squeezing Audrey’s hands. “Especially if it’s a boy. Doesn’t every man want a son?”

  The baby seemed real to Audrey now, after sharing the news with her best friend. Her thoughts raced ahead. “This morning, with this bomb—I realized how badly I want to stay safe from now on. We risked our lives so many times during the war, and it didn’t seem to matter because nobody knew what tomorrow would bring, whether we would live or die, or if the Nazis would pour across the channel and murder us. But the war is over and Robert is safe, and I want to stay safe, too, until it’s time to move to America to be with him. I want our baby to be safe.”

  “So what are you saying?”

  “I’m leaving London. I’m going home to Wellingford Hall.”

  It took Eve a moment to respond. “What about your job? And our flat?”

  “I’ll give them my notice. Today, even.” Her job was no longer important. They weren’t driving ambulances, merely pushing government papers around, processing discharge documents for the returning soldiers. Besides, the men would want their desk jobs back. “You won’t have any problem finding a new flatmate,” she added. “I’m going to miss you, Eve.”

  “Me, too.” Eve stared at the stone wall across from her like a prisoner in a cell.

  Later that afternoon as they rode home on the Underground, Eve turned to Audrey as they sat side by side in the swaying train car. “I thought Robert said it would take months for all your paperwork to go through.”

  “He did. The government’s first priority is getting the soldiers home from around the world. It may take as much as a year for them to send for the war brides.”

  “So what’s your hurry? Why quit and leave London? What will you do with yourself at Wellingford while you wait?”

&
nbsp; “The Americans left the manor in a bit of a mess, as I’m sure you know. I need to unpack all the items that were stored and take down the blackout curtains. With Father still away so much of the time, he’ll need help restoring Wellingford to its former glory. The few servants who are left could do with some supervision and direction.”

  “Will your father live there all alone after you leave for America?”

  “I’m not sure . . . Maybe . . . Wellingford holds so many good memories of Alfie.” The train slowed, approaching a station. The doors rasped open and people hurried off. More crowded on. The doors closed and the train started up again. “Father and I have never been close. But all we have left now is each other. And I would like to think . . . well, it’s my hope that we can be a comfort to each other in these last months before I leave. Perhaps if I help restore Wellingford and make it a home . . . if he sees how much it means to both of us . . .” She stopped, having no idea what she hoped for. Affection, perhaps? Was it fair to try to build a relationship with him and then leave for America? Audrey had never experienced love before meeting Robert, and she wondered if her father ever had. Aside from his pride in Alfie, he’d never shown love to anyone that she could recall.

  They got off at their stop and rode the escalator up to the street. People crowded the sidewalks, all hurrying home from work. Eve didn’t speak again until they reached their flat. “We should have stopped at the store,” she said after opening their pantry. “There’s nothing to eat.”

  “I haven’t felt very hungry lately,” Audrey said, resting her hand on her middle.

  “When is your baby due?”

  “June, I think.” Eve merely nodded. She seemed preoccupied. And despondent. Audrey sat down at their tiny table and watched her rummage through tins of soup and canned peaches, wishing she knew what to say, how to help her. “You never talk about your plans after you leave the ATS, Eve.”

  “That’s because I don’t have any. Unlike you, I don’t have a husband or even a boyfriend. This flat is the only home I have. And not to sound too tiresome, I don’t have a family, either. Your father may be distant, but at least you have one.”