If I Were You

by Lynn Austin

  Robbie took one, too. “There’s a statue of a soldier over there,” he told Bobby. “Wanna see it?” Bobby nodded and they took off running again.

  “You must come here a lot,” Audrey said.

  “With Robert’s mother, yes.” They were silent for a moment as the peace of the quiet cemetery stole over them. “Audrey? Will you please forgive me for stealing your identity?”

  Audrey nodded as she took Eve’s hand. “The greater sin was mine. You’re here because of my mistakes. Forgive me for letting you walk away. For judging you harshly because of Louis and Harry. I was cold and critical—like my mother. I had Wellingford Hall but you had nothing. Forgive me for not offering to stick together until we both figured out what came next.”

  “Oh, Audrey . . .” They held each other for a long moment. Then they each smiled and ate another strawberry.

  The boys came hurtling back, panting as they flopped onto the grass. Audrey brushed her son’s sweaty hair from his forehead. “When they were babies, I remember wishing they could grow up to be friends. Like we were . . . like their fathers were.”

  “Maybe they can,” Eve murmured. She passed the strawberries to their sons. “Here, let’s finish these.”

  The car was sweltering when they climbed back inside. Everyone rolled down their windows. “How is your courage holding out?” Eve asked.

  “Pretty well. It’s funny, but changing that tire this morning gave me strength I’d forgotten I had.”

  “Good. Because our next stop is going to be difficult for both of us.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “To see Mrs. Barrett. I need to confess what I’ve done and ask her to forgive me. Then I’ll introduce her to her real daughter-in-law and grandson.”

  “Oh, Eve . . . I—I don’t know . . .”

  “She’s a wonderful woman, Audrey. She raised Robert to be the man he became, didn’t she? I’ve often thought she’s the mother you deserved to have.”

  “But look what I’m wearing! I’m a mess—”

  “Audrey, stop. She won’t judge you. She’ll love you because her son loved you.”

  Audrey couldn’t imagine it would be that way. Fear of facing the Barretts, fear that they blamed her for Robert’s death had kept her from coming to America four years ago.

  Robbie bolted through the door and straight into Mrs. Barrett’s arms when they arrived. “Nana! I missed you!” Mrs. Barrett knelt to hug him tightly, and Audrey saw the warm, loving mother she’d yearned for all her life.

  “Sorry to arrive without any warning,” Eve said. “Do you have time to talk? I want you to meet my friend.”

  “Yes, of course, dear. Come in.” Mrs. Barrett led them into the living room and invited them to sit. It was a cold, uncomfortable place, an imitation of a grand manor house like Wellingford Hall with three separate seating areas in the vast room. It didn’t seem to fit the warm, smiling woman who’d greeted them. Audrey couldn’t take her gaze off Robert’s mother. Her thick, wavy hair resembled his, but with gray threads woven through it. She had Robert’s dark eyes, his gentle smile. “Would you like something cold to drink?” she asked.

  “No, please don’t fuss,” Eve said. “I just need to say what I’ve come to tell you.” She drew a deep breath and let it out in a rush.

  This must be so difficult for her, Audrey thought.

  “I’ve come to beg you to forgive me, Mom. I’ve done a terrible, unforgivable thing. . . . I’m not really Robert’s wife, Audrey. She is.”

  Mrs. Barrett stared at Audrey, stunned. She suddenly looked older than she had a moment ago. Audrey’s pulse sped up, afraid for Eve.

  “And Robbie isn’t Robert’s son. He is.” Eve gestured to Bobby.

  “I—I don’t understand . . .” Mrs. Barrett had been standing, but she sank down on the edge of the nearest chair as if her legs wouldn’t hold her.

  “I know what I did was horrible,” Eve said, “and that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I’m so very, very sorry!”

  “But . . . but why would you do such a thing?”

  “I was desperate. I had no home, no family, no way to support myself and my son. I know that doesn’t excuse all my lies, but at the time, I didn’t know what else to do.”

  Mrs. Barrett turned to Audrey. “And you agreed to this?” she asked.

  “No!” Eve said before she could reply. “Audrey had no idea what I’d done. We were best friends during the war, and when she decided not to come to America after Robert died, I stole her immigration papers and came in her place. It was a terrible, terrible thing to do, and I’m so sorry for deceiving you. But please don’t blame Audrey. She didn’t know anything about it until she arrived in America a few days ago.”

  Audrey saw the pain and hurt in Mrs. Barrett’s expression and feared her reaction would be unkind. She and Eve both seemed shattered. “I’m at fault, too, Mrs. Barrett,” Audrey quickly said. “Eve was my best friend and I should have helped her. I shouldn’t have left her with no other choice.”

  “I . . . I don’t know what to say . . .”

  “You’ve been so good to Robbie and me,” Eve said. “And I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I never intended to hurt you or take advantage of your kindness and generosity. I just . . . I just wanted a home.”

  The children were watching the drama and didn’t seem to understand what was happening. Eve’s son moved to nestle close to Mrs. Barrett and took her hand. “Don’t be sad, Nana. Are you sad?”

  She bent to kiss the top of his red head. “I’m not sad, darling. Just . . . surprised.” She pulled Robbie close for a hug, then faced Bobby, who stood a few feet away near Audrey’s chair. Tears filled Mrs. Barrett’s eyes. “He looks just like Robert did at this age. May I give you a hug, too, darling?” He hesitated for a long moment, and Mrs. Barrett smiled. “Robert was the same way. He always needed to think things through before he tried anything new.”

  Audrey’s tears flowed when her son finally moved toward his grandmother and allowed her to hold him and kiss his forehead. Family. They would be part of a loving family, something Audrey had wished for all her life. She remembered the frigid scene at her uncle’s house and knew she had made the right decision.

  “Are you going to be his nana, too?” Robbie asked Mrs. Barrett.

  “Yes, sweet boy. I’m both of your nanas.” She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her eyes.

  Eve knelt beside her. “Can you ever forgive me for lying to you?” she asked.

  Mrs. Barrett stroked Robbie’s head. “This has come as quite a shock, of course. But in a way . . . You know, I suspected you weren’t Audrey the first time I saw you and this redheaded boy of yours. You didn’t resemble the photograph of Audrey that Robert had shown us. But then I took Robbie into my arms, and from that moment, I didn’t care who you were. My husband and I were grieving, and you brought new life into our home. And hope. You and Robbie filled the hole in my heart and helped me heal.” She kissed Robbie’s hair again. “I’m . . . I’m shocked and . . . and disappointed in you. And I feel like such a fool for allowing myself to be deceived.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Eve murmured.

  “I’m . . . I’m going to need some time . . .” She wiped her eyes again. “And yet, when all is said and done, you and Robbie are part of my life now, whether you’re my real daughter-in-law or not.”

  Eve closed her eyes, and Audrey saw her relief. Then she opened them again. “What about Dad—Mr. Barrett? Will he—?”

  “He’ll be shocked, of course. I don’t know how he’ll react. But deep down, he loves you, too, dear. And Robbie is the best thing that ever happened to him.”

  Eve went into Mrs. Barrett’s arms, murmuring, “Thank you . . . thank you.”

  When they’d parted again, Audrey knew what she needed to do. “Mrs. Barrett, I need to ask you to forgive me, too. It was selfish of me not to come four years ago. You’d lost your only child, and Bobby and I were all you had. But I—I was afraid y
ou would blame me for his death. If he had married Linda instead of me . . .”

  “I never felt that way. Every mother wants her child to be happy, and I could tell from the way Robert talked about you that he loved you very much. His relationship with Linda had always been tumultuous. I didn’t want Robert to go with her that night. I—I wish . . .” She couldn’t finish.

  “I know why he went with her, Mrs. Barrett. Before he left London, Robert told me he needed to see Linda face-to-face and apologize for hurting her. He wanted to ask her to forgive him.”

  “That sounds like Robert,” she replied.

  “Yes. We can be very proud of him. He taught me not to question God’s ways. But to trust Him.”

  Mrs. Barrett closed her eyes, nodding as if deep in thought. “And now look,” she said when she opened them again. “It seems I’ve been doubly blessed, with two grandsons.”

  “Why is everybody crying?” Robbie asked.

  “These are tears of joy, honey, not sadness. Come, let’s sit out on the patio and get to know each other better.”

  “With Popsicles?” Robbie asked, hopping up and down.

  “Yes, sweet boy. With Popsicles for everyone!”

  31

  “Mrs. Barrett is a lovely woman,” Audrey said when they were in the car again. Eve could only nod, still too emotional to speak. “That took a lot of courage, Eve. You’re still the bravest woman I know.”

  “Thanks.” She exhaled, then said, “You won’t need courage for this last visit, but I will.” Her heart lay heavily in her chest just thinking about it.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Out to the farm. I want you to meet Robert’s friend Tom Vandenberg. Remember the Famous Four?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  “He’s one of them. He’s been like a father to Robbie and a good friend to me. Probably my best friend. I told Tom this morning who I really am—although he said he’d already guessed. Now I need to tell his mother.”

  “Are you close to her, too?”

  “Yes. She reminds me of Granny Maud. And she’s become a second granny to Robbie.” Eve could only hope that she would be as gracious and accepting as Mrs. Barrett had been.

  “Shall I wait in the car while you go inside?” Audrey asked when they parked behind the farmhouse.

  “Absolutely not. The Vandenbergs are part of your new family, too. You’ll love them, Audrey. And they’re going to love you and Bobby. . . . That’s Tom, coming out of the barn.” Robbie leaped from the car and dashed across the driveway to him, shouting for Bobby to come with him and see the lamb.

  “Another tall, good-looking American,” Audrey said with a smile. “Is there something between you two?”

  “Maybe . . . It would have been impossible when I was pretending to be you.”

  “But now?”

  “I don’t know.” Eve felt her face growing warm. “We’ll see.” She asked Tom to show the boys around the farm while she and Audrey went inside to talk with his mother. He nodded. He would know why she had come.

  Mrs. Vandenberg was boiling jars for strawberry jam when she welcomed them into the well-worn farmhouse kitchen. “This is my friend who recently arrived from England,” Eve told her.

  “Welcome, my dear,” Mrs. Vandenberg said. If she thought it was odd that Eve didn’t give Audrey’s name, she was polite enough not to say anything about it. “How did you like my fresh strawberries?” she asked. “They taste so good when they’re right off the vine, don’t they?”

  “They were wonderful. We gobbled them down,” Eve replied.

  Mrs. Vandenberg offered them iced tea and biscuits—what she called cookies—but Eve wanted to get this over with.

  “I have something I need to confess, and I wanted you to hear the truth from me before . . . well, before all the gossip starts because I . . . I admire you so much, and . . .” Eve’s throat closed and she couldn’t finish.

  Mrs. Vandenberg sat down at the table beside Eve and took her hand. “What is it, Audrey, dear? I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

  Eve swallowed, pulling herself together. “Yes . . . well . . . for starters—my name isn’t really Audrey. It’s Eve. Eve Dawson.” It felt surprisingly good to say it after all this time. “This is the real Audrey Barrett. I’ve been pretending to be her because I had no home and no family and no way to support my son. Audrey is my best friend and she had decided to stay in England after Robert died—until now. She had no idea I was here, pretending to be her.”

  Mrs. Vandenberg squeezed Eve’s hand, and when Eve dared to look up at her, she saw kindness in Mrs. Vandenberg’s eyes. “How tragic that there was no one you could turn to for help when you needed it.”

  “I’m so sorry for lying to you and Tom and everyone else—and not just because my lies are going to be exposed, but because I know that what I’ve done is very wrong. Can you ever forgive me for lying to you?”

  “Of course, dear one. You and Robbie have been a blessing in our lives, no matter what your names are.”

  Eve felt a measure of relief, but the photograph of Louis’s two daughters still scorched her soul. There was more she needed to confess. “I—I’ve done other terrible things . . . I was never married to Robbie’s father. He had a wife and daughter.” She lowered her head to the table, resting it on her arms, unable to face anyone. “I’ve asked Jesus to forgive me, but . . . but I don’t blame Him for punishing me now. I deserve it.”

  The kitchen was quiet except for the water bubbling in the pot on the stove. Mrs. Vandenberg gently rubbed Eve’s back and allowed her to cry. Then she said, “Eve, dear, I want you to look at me.” She waited until Eve lifted her head. “If you have confessed your sins and laid them at Jesus’ feet and asked for forgiveness, then it is done. Finished. You are a new woman in Christ. The old is gone. It’s as if you’ve swapped places with Jesus, and God sees His righteousness whenever He looks at you. You get to start all over again, and you don’t need to feel ashamed anymore.”

  “How can it be that simple?” she said, wiping her eyes. “I’ve made such a mess of my life—and Robbie’s.”

  “Well, our sins have consequences, and you will still have to sort through them all and make as many things right as you can.”

  “I’ll help you, Eve,” Audrey said. “We’ll figure things out together, like we always have in the past. You won’t be alone ever again. And neither will I.”

  “And I’m here for you, too,” Mrs. Vandenberg added. “But, Eve, listen, now. Sometimes the hardest part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself—and truly believing in Christ’s forgiveness. There will be days when you’ll be tempted to doubt that you are a new person, days when you’ll be very hard on yourself. Especially as you face the painful consequences of your mistakes. And other people’s disapproval. But there is a Scripture verse I hope you’ll memorize that says, ‘If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’ You are loved and forgiven, dear one.”

  They spent another hour with Mrs. Vandenberg, who prayed for Eve and Audrey and both of their sons. When Eve walked out into the waning sunshine of a beautiful summer day, she felt as if she could fly. She introduced Audrey to Tom, then rounded up the boys—who were both reluctant to leave the farm—and piled everyone into the car. For Eve, the day had been long and event-filled, beginning with her visit with Louis and ending with the relief of knowing that her life of lies and playacting was over. She was forgiven. She could be herself again.

  “Do you ever talk about the war?” Audrey asked as Eve drove toward home. “What we did, what we experienced?”

  “No. And the funny thing is, no one ever asks me about it. They have the attitude here in America that the war is over and done with, and we’d all be better off to forget about it.”

  “That isn’t right—for us or for the soldiers who fought in it. We need to talk about it. It changed us. We’re different people than we were before the war, and if we simp
ly go back to being the girls we used to be, we’re not being true to ourselves.”

  “During that last year of the war I felt so numb, so deadened by everything,” Eve said, remembering. “I longed to feel alive again. That’s why . . . well, that’s when I got involved with Louis. I’m not justifying it, but that’s what the war did to me. I lost my faith. I blamed God for the evil in the world instead of seeing that evil is inside us. I envied your life, Audrey. You had money, an education, a beautiful home, servants . . . If I had been raised in a family like yours, maybe Alfie would have married me.”

  “That’s funny,” Audrey replied with a little laugh. “I envied your life. You had so many friends. Everyone loved you. You were so free, so happy. And I longed for a mother like yours. I’ll always be sorry that Mother’s selfishness caused your mother’s death.”

  Eve didn’t want to hold on to her resentment toward Lady Rosamunde any longer. As Tom had said, if she wanted God to forgive her, she needed to forgive others—the same way that Mrs. Barrett and Mrs. Vandenberg and Tom had forgiven her. “My mum chose to stay with yours, Audrey. I think it was for the same reasons that Robert got into the car with Linda. It was her way of showing God’s love. I’m proud of Mum.”

  They came down the hill into town, nearing home, but Eve didn’t want to return to the tiny, claustrophobic house just yet. She wanted to enjoy the blue sky and late-afternoon sun for a little while longer, the cool breezes that blew through the car’s open windows. She turned at the first intersection and headed out of town again. “We’re going on a road trip,” she announced. “Get the map out of the glove box, Audrey, and let’s see where this road takes us.” Audrey raised her eyebrows as if asking if Eve was sure. “Find us a route. You were always better with maps than I was.” Audrey pulled it out and unfolded it on her lap, her finger tracing the blue coastline as she searched for their town. “I loved driving, didn’t you, Audrey?”

  “Most of the time. I have to admit, it was a great feeling to be behind the wheel, heading someplace new.”