His sister looked at him with eyes that matched his own, as though she ached along with him. Emily climbed into bed with him and they sat against the headboard, Emily’s cheek on his shoulder.
“Tell me about him? Tell me about what it is like to be wooed by Prince Merrick.”
So he did. He told her about riding and writing and Merrick’s art. He told her of Merrick’s love of children, and helping those in need, and the joy on his face when he helped others. He shared that he never felt like he was only a valet or a servant with Merrick. That he looked at Cas as though he was the most important person in the world. Speaking of Merrick both ripped his heart to shreds and stitched it back together.
“He will do great things in Evergreen, Emily. He will help people, children. He will make the world a better place. That is why I cannot let him throw it away for me.”
“Oh, dear brother. Do you think you are so powerful as to change your Merrick? If he is all those things you said, he will still be them with you—he will fight harder to be those things with you by his side. You will give him strength when he needs it, and he you. He would be throwing nothing away by choosing you, but you, dear brother, are throwing much away by not allowing him to. I know you’re scared. I know you fear Merrick walking away from you, so you chose to walk away from him first. But you are too strong to let fear lead you.”
He trembled, afraid to allow Emily’s words to pierce his resolve.
“You said your prince will do good things, and I believe you. I think he has proven that in choosing you, in loving you. He has shown his kingdom the power of love. Today, he put his kingdom first in allowing them to see who he is and that it’s okay to love who you love. I have always known you are destined for great things, Cas. You will make this world a better place if you only allow yourself to. Do not allow Merrick to be your greatest regret.”
Without another word, Emily kissed his cheek, rose from the bed, and left him alone. It was then that the dam broke and Cassius allowed himself to cry.
33
Merrick
As soon as Merrick opened his eyes the following morning, the sting of pain and sorrow returned with a revolting churn in the pit of his stomach. If only he could live in his vivid dreams where Cassius, wearing lavish knickers and a waistcoat, accepted his offer to dance and all the kingdom cheered for their union.
And even if they hadn’t applauded, they would still have each other… But where would that leave them? Cassius possibly without a job when all he hoped to do was provide for his family? No, that would not do at all.
Disappointment burrowed itself more deeply in his chest.
Merrick rose, washed up, and changed into any acceptable clothing he could find, leaving the chamber as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t keep anticipating Cassius at his door…with those honey-colored eyes that saw inside his soul.
Standing now at the parlor window, Merrick stared out at the looming pine trees with white caps of freshly fallen snow. Cassius’s notebook remained in his pocket just as it had the previous night after Merrick fled the dance and stayed with Ursula in the stables until all the guests had left.
He hadn’t read through Cassius’s poems; that would’ve been an invasion of privacy. He only held it close all evening as he sat beside his mare and spoke nonsensically to her about the man he loved. It kept him grounded and gave him the courage to return to the castle well past midnight.
He was still the prince of Evergreen, after all, and had a duty to his kingdom.
His shoulders slumped. That certainly didn’t change, even if everything else did.
Harris had brought in tea for him, and Marjorie came along with some scones. It was his sister’s attempt to keep him fed, but his stomach felt shredded to pieces since the ball.
Last night, once he made the decision to announce his intentions to the world, everything felt different. By now, word would have spread throughout the kingdom that the prince of Evergreen favored men. And not only men in general, but a valet.
Most of the staff in his own castle could not look him directly in the eye this morning. But the ones who did—Valor included—had given him hope that he still had some sort of foothold in this monarchy. And that was precisely what his meeting with his parents would be about, he was certain of that.
He knew his father was angry, his mother disheartened—that alone would be easy to deduce even if Marjorie hadn’t already told him, along with the fact that they had not been ready to speak to him the night before. The king might very well order the prince to enter into a marriage of convenience for the sole purpose of producing an heir, even while the lady knew of his preferences.
But that would not sit well with Merrick—not anymore. Not that it ever had.
For all he knew, he might be banished to the far reaches of the kingdom, or worse—disowned. But if it allowed him to finally live his truth, he would take any such outcome.
Merrick took a seat beside his sister and sipped the warm tea that soothed his ragged throat. He had no more tears left to give. By this hour, he only felt numb.
“Thank you, Marjorie. What you did for me last night can never be repaid.”
“My dearest brother,” Marjorie replied with a sorrowful smile. “I am only sorry your heart has been broken.”
“Cassius was right to refuse me,” Merrick replied even as the words ripped the fresh wound along the seams again. “He was only protecting himself. His reputation.”
The words stuck in his throat. Had Merrick thought about the repercussions, he would’ve chosen a different route last night. He would not have done it so publicly perhaps, for Cassius’s sake, no matter what they’d whispered to each other their last night together.
“I do not care who knows. It is only the harm it could do that holds me back. If I could, I would walk proudly by your side.”
But what then? It was a jumbled mess no matter the outcome.
Marjorie shook her head. “Cassius was protecting you. That much was evident.”
The words only warmed Merrick for a brief instant. He knew Cassius cared for him. But now he understood that the idea of them being together was only a fool’s wish, no matter how many times he recited the words of Cas’s poem from memory and wished them true with all his might.
When the parlor door opened, Merrick braced himself to face his parents. Even though the ball had turned into a celebration for Marjorie and Charles’s engagement, he knew his pronouncement had essentially ruined everything. The monarchy would now have a black mark upon its legacy.
“Mother.” Merrick stood and bowed to her. “Father.”
“Please, son. Sit down,” his father said in a weary tone as they sank onto the settee across from them. “We do not need such formality. Not when it is just us.”
He expected his father to be angry, but instead, he seemed drained and rather flummoxed as he wrung his hands in his lap. His mother wasn’t much better, but at least she offered the minute trace of a smile.
No longer able to wait, he blurted, “I am sorry if I have caused you pain and embarrassment.”
His mother reached for his hand. “My dear child, we’ve been sick with worry. This has been quite difficult for us to understand.”
“I am trying to wind my head around it,” his father added in a strained voice. “How long have you known?”
“That I could never love a woman? That I only prefer men?” he asked, and his father winced. “For as long as I can remember. Of course, I wondered if something was wrong with me, and I hid it for as many years as I could. But I confess, it is exhausting trying to live as someone you are not.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” his mother asked in an anguished voice as she squeezed his hand.
“For all the reasons you could possibly imagine, Mother,” Merrick replied, the words pouring out of him. It was a relief even if it pained his parents. “Duty. Honor. I did not want to disappoint you. Tarnish our name. Which is precisely what happened last night.”
Merrick stood up, his skin suddenly too tight across his bones, his heart too large for his chest as it throbbed painfully. “I’ve ruined everything for him as well. All Cassius wanted was to provide for his family, and now what? He will not want to show his face here. Will anyone even be able to look him in the eye? They could barely face me this morning.”
“How did this even happen, son?” his father asked. “This…whatever this is between you and your valet?”
Merrick faced the window, his cheeks coloring from the onslaught of warm memories. “Same as any attraction, I suppose. We enjoyed each other’s company. Laughed, talked, found common ground. Formed a deep connection.” He turned to gaze at his parents. “We fought it for as long as we could. I did not want to hurt him, not like this.”
“You care for him,” his mother murmured as if the idea of it was finally dawning on her.
“I love him,” Merrick replied in a steady voice. Of this he was certain. “I know it is difficult to understand. You probably think it unnatural. Deviant. Impossible. But I was born this way, and all we want…all I want is someone to care for. To share my life with. Same as you.”
He heard a noise from behind his elbow and realized his sister was weeping. He patted her shoulder, shushing her.
“Merrick should be able to live as he chooses,” Marjorie blubbered as she dabbed at her eyes. “It is not fair that he cannot be his true self. Why does it matter whom he loves? He is not hurting anybody.”
Merrick held his breath as he watched his parents’ faces soften, and they glanced expectantly at one another.
“Is that what you want, son?” his mother finally asked. “To…live on your own terms?”
“More than anything,” he said in a breathless whisper. “I am sorry I am not who you wanted me to be.”
He felt his sister reach for his hand. “You are exactly who you were born to be.”
Tears stung his eyes, but he swallowed them down. He squeezed his sister’s hand, then dropped it and squared his shoulders. To finally be able to confide such a thing to his parents seemed almost like a dream, but it bolstered his confidence. “In fact, I feel like I might have…a greater purpose. To be a support for those who are struggling as well.”
His father stared out the window as if turning the idea over in his mind.
“Maybe Merrick’s role all along has been to bring this monarchy into the modern age,” Marjorie supplied as she sniffled and swiped at her nose.
His mother scoffed at the notion as his father snickered. “Well, now you’ve put a bee in your mother’s bonnet. No doubt the newspapers will have plenty to say about all this…if they haven’t already.”
“Perhaps show them that we stand united as a family,” Marjorie suggested, smoothing out her skirt over her lap.
“This will not go over well in certain circles,” his mother responded, squaring her shoulders. “But I will not turn away from my child. Not when he needs me.”
Merrick’s pulse throbbed against his neck. “Do you really mean that?”
“Of course, my darling.” His mother reached for a napkin from the tray and dabbed at her cheeks. “My only concern is you. I want you to be happy.”
His father reached for her, rubbing her back before turning his eyes on his son. “I think I am beginning to understand, Merrick, though it may take some additional time. I am sorry you have been suffering in silence.”
“It helps to have a sister like Marjorie,” Merrick replied, and Marjorie’s cheeks flushed. “She is someone to be admired. She will produce a worthy heir.”
“I know it is not how you envisioned it, Father,” Marjorie muttered into her teacup. “I could always keep the Davendall name. It would be a very modern thing to do. Or perhaps someday Merrick might consider adopti—”
“That will be enough for one day, my dear,” their father said, grasping for his chest. “But no matter what we decide for our future, we are a family, and we must stick together.”
His mother nodded. “The monarchy will survive whatever comes our way.”
Merrick bent to kiss his mother’s cheek and then his sister’s, whispering a quick thank-you in Marjorie’s ear.
He took a deep breath, so grateful at the turn of events but wanting to push his luck a bit more now that it was all out in the open. “If you will allow it, I would like to move to Winterfrost Manor as soon as possible. It is time for me to…begin building a life—a genuine one—for myself.”
His parents swapped quick glances; then his mother smiled. “As you wish.”
Merrick stood with purpose now that he had a short-term plan in place. It filled him with a kind of hope he hadn’t felt in years. “I won’t require much—only a butler and a cook.”
“And what of your valet?” his mother asked, a repentant look in her gaze.
Merrick’s chest tightened like a fist as his fingers felt for the edge of the notebook in his pocket. “I suppose I will always long for what we could never have.”
34
Cassius
In all his years, Cassius had never been so nervous. His palms were sweaty, and his heart raced. Despite the knots twisting and turning in his gut, he forged on, making the trek through the light dusting of snow that was lessening as the weather became a bit less chilly with each passing day.
He’d spent the past few weeks in anticipation of this moment, though he was not sure he’d realized it in those first few days when he’d believed he would never find himself there again, Pinewood Castle grounds beneath his feet.
It had been a fool’s belief.
There had been no possibility that he would not go to his prince again, that he would not lay his heart bare. His prince deserved an explanation, and Cassius needed to give one…even if they went their separate ways in the end.
Even if Merrick no longer wanted him.
News had spread through all of Evergreen by then. Cassius had heard the gossip, the wild stories of Prince Merrick’s desire for men and the valet who had somehow cast a spell on him to make the prince fall in love with him. Every time it was spoken, some piece of it changed, some part of the tale grew until little truth remained to it.
The royal family had presented a united front and publicly vowed to allow Merrick his privacy. Cassius could only hope they truly supported him the way they had announced. Merrick himself had not made a public appearance since the ball.
Cassius paused, took in the gray peaks and solid bricks of Pinewood Castle…and a smile tugged at his lips. He would forever look back at his time here as the best of his life. Regardless of the future, what they shared had been real and true in ways things rarely were.
The door opened, and his heart jumped, hoping it was Merrick, that he could set eyes upon his prince again.
“Cassius?” Princess Marjorie stepped outside, a footman on her heels. He was new, Cassius realized.
“Your Highness.” Cassius bowed as she approached.
“Are you here for your belongings?” she asked, and the question pierced his chest. Did that mean Prince Merrick did not want to see him?
“No, Your Highness. I shall take them, but they are not why I am here. I…I came to speak with Merrick.”
Her cheeks turned rosy. “You call my brother only by his given name?”
He had, hadn’t he? He had not even given it a thought. “It is not proper, and for that I apologize. I mean no offense, Your Highness. I will work not to make the same mistake again, but…he is Merrick to me.” An artist. A man. A supporter of children and those in need. He was Cassius’s heart.
Marjorie smiled. “I quite like that answer, Cassius.”
“It is the truth.” Cas bowed. “Thank you, Your Highness.”
“Marjorie,” she replied. “And I am sorry, but Merrick is not available. He has moved to Winterfrost Manor.”
Cassius’s heart dropped. He knew that was where Merrick was going to go when he took a wife. Did that mean that despite what the Davendalls had announced, Merrick was sti
ll to wed a lady?
“I…”
“If he was there, I would say you could see him, but he has been spending most of his days on Ursula. He disappears for hours, and we do not know where he goes.”
There was an unexpected lurch in his chest. “I do, Your Highness.” But it would take him much too long to make it on foot.
“Of course you do.” Marjorie smiled, and before Cassius realized what was happening, the princess grabbed his hand and began tugging him toward the barn. “Come. You can borrow a horse and go to him. I will send word to Winterfrost that if Merrick returns, you have gone to find him.”
“Why?” Cassius stopped and looked at her. “Why would you do all this? I have ruined his reputation. I…”
“Love my brother, that is what you do and that is all that matters to me. You still love him, do you not?” she asked.
“With every ounce of my heart and soul,” Cassius replied.
“Nothing matters more than that.”
No…no it didn’t. They hurried the rest of the way to the stables. Princess Marjorie watched while Cassius prepared Tabby to ride. When he finished, he hiked his bag more securely on his shoulder before using the stirrup to climb into the saddle. “Thank you, Your High—Marjorie,” he told her, and then he was gone, flying through the woods and to their magical place beneath the canopy of dreams where all their stories could come true.
The ride felt both swift and as though it lasted a lifetime. His heart raced faster as he neared. Yes, Marjorie had sent him there, but that didn’t mean Merrick would want him. It did not mean that Cassius wasn’t too late or that he hadn’t hurt Merrick beyond repair.
He pulled the reins to slow Tabby’s gallop. The moment he broke through the trees, Cassius saw Merrick sitting on a rock, notebook in hand, Ursula tied to a tree in the clearing. Merrick’s eyes darted up, and Cassius’s heart soared, just laying eyes on him again.
“Cas.” Merrick scrambled off his perch as Cassius dismounted.
Ever After (Forbidden Love #1) Page 21