On unsteady legs, he stood with the rest of his family and positioned his mask back into place. It added the extra layer he needed to cover his onslaught of emotions.
His mother smiled warmly at him. “I hope your evening has been lovely thus far.”
“The decorations are wonderful, the attendees charming. It seems everyone is enjoying themselves,” he said, trying his best not to break down in either misery or fury. He knew his parents meant well. Besides, they had no idea he’d been fighting his nature at every turn just to please them and uphold his responsibility to the monarchy. He thought he might possibly faint from the sheer effort it took to hold himself together with every fiber of his being.
“It is time to partake in the dancing portion,” his mother reminded him as if he hadn’t been dreading it for weeks.
“Everyone is anticipating who you might ask to dance,” his father added with a chuckle. “Even your own parents.”
A shiver trickled down Merrick’s spine. “What if there is no one I—”
“There must be one person you have enjoyed meeting this evening,” his father replied in a stern voice, and all the pressure built to a crescendo in his chest again. He almost felt like that same five-year-old his father had persuaded to ride the Ferris wheel at the Pinewood carnival, convinced he’d like it if he only tried it.
“Just follow your heart,” his mother added with a pat on his shoulder, and it set his teeth on edge. If he could have what his heart desired, he wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.
As nearly all the guests began lining up near the dance floor, the tension in the room grew thick with anticipation. Nobody would dare step on the floor until a member of the royal family danced first, and tonight all eyes were pinned on him.
When he noticed Penelope hesitantly make her way to the edge, he again considered asking her. But unless he was certain of his decision, that would be unkind. In some ways, they were in the same boat. Neither wanted to appear too eager or send the wrong message.
“Look who has arrived just in time for the first dance,” Marjorie said breathlessly. There was an air of awe in her voice, along with something else—anticipation perhaps, and quite possibly hope.
As Merrick’s gaze followed her line of sight, his legs nearly buckled beneath him. He held on to the edge of the table to steady himself.
It was Cas. Wearing finely tailored golden knickers and a lavish purple waistcoat, complete with a cape affixed at his neck with a golden brooch.
Cas. With soft, dark tresses framing his shoulders and a bronze-gilded mask firmly in place. His lips plump as if he’d been biting on them.
And it was as if a spotlight shone on him from somewhere above and he became the most stunning, profoundly important person in the room.
Cas’s gaze met Merrick’s across the room and then flitted away as his cheeks flushed a gorgeous crimson color.
Please keep your eyes on me, Cas. I need your warm gaze, or I might perish on the spot. You have become my oxygen, the very air I breathe.
“Have you required your valet to be in attendance at the ball?” his mother asked in a puzzled voice. It was essential for all staff to pitch in behind the scenes for such a large event.
“I extended him the invitation,” Marjorie replied in a bold voice, and Merrick’s mouth went dry. When her eyes met his they softened, and his pulse pitched sharply.
What had she done?
“It is his right to be here, same as the others,” Marjorie remarked, and he shut his eyes to steady his pulse.
“His right?” their father asked. “Whatever do you mean?”
But their voices faded in the background as Merrick moved across the dance floor. He could not possibly keep away from greeting his valet. His Cas. It seemed the only place in the room where he actually belonged. The only place that generated warmth.
Merrick strode past a line of ladies waiting, ignoring each of them as he heard the low muttering of voices as he went. Disappointment, anticipation. It seemed the whole room watched him, and he couldn’t care less. He drew strength from Cas. Courage. Light.
He could not possibly take his eyes off the beautiful creature standing before him. The man made his breath hitch, his heart thrash, his very soul ache with longing.
“You look stunning,” Merrick said in a breathless whisper. He wanted to reach for his hand, kiss his cheek, lead him somewhere private. But they weren’t in private. They were in a crowded room of people who were mostly there to meet him. To impress him.
But Cas was the only person in the world who astounded him. Electrified him. He wanted nothing to do with anyone else at the ball, and it could not have become clearer to him than in that moment.
“Thank you,” Cassius replied with some anguish in his voice. “I am sorry to show up like this. Princess Marjorie—she lent me these clothes and insisted—”
“It only matters that you are here now,” he said, feeling a wave of gratitude for his sister. “Thank you for being here.”
Cas looked somewhat confused, and as his gaze darted side to side, his cheeks darkened with mortification that their exchange had become the center of the crowd’s attention.
“Merrick, it is time for the first dance,” he heard his mother’s faltering voice behind him. “Your guests are waiting.”
“Yes, Mother,” Merrick replied, his gaze never leaving his valet’s warm honey-colored eyes.
Cassius took a hesitant step back into the crowd, disappointment and sorrow briefly flickering in his eyes. He also managed a small smile, most likely to offer Merrick encouragement once again.
He noticed how Cas looked behind him to the open terrace doors as if considering the quickest route for his exit. But no, that would not do. He did not want him to leave. He needed him to stay. He needed it like he needed his next breath.
Merrick turned to gaze at his mother. “You said to follow my heart?”
“Yes, of course,” she replied cautiously, her gaze swinging wildly around the room. It was the first time he’d seen discomfort in her posture all night. But he could not worry about pleasing her right then. If he did, his whole world might crumble.
“Very well,” he replied with a deep bow.
He inhaled a fortifying breath before he turned and stepped toward Cassius once again. His entire body shuddered, his skin itched, but his heart absolutely soared.
He stretched his hand toward the man he loved. “May I have this dance?”
A hush immediately fell on the room. The participants around them became completely motionless, eyes wide and gawking. In his peripheral vision, he noticed some women with hands clasped over their mouths, as well as Lady Penelope with her head tilted curiously and the smallest quirk to her lips that might be interpreted as a smile. Behind him somewhere, he heard a gasp escape his mother’s lips.
He knew his actions would be considered a disgrace, but nothing else in the world made any bit of sense except this. Merrick and Cas. A prince who had found his own prince.
Cas’s eyes were wide and assessing. Fear lanced through them. “Wh…what are you doing, M—Your Highness?”
Merrick’s face fell, his stomach plummeting when Cassius did not use his birth name. He saw the confusion, the overwhelming panic in Cas’s gaze.
“I would like to dance with the one person in the room who has come to matter most to me,” he replied, squaring his shoulders once again, his hand still held suspended for the taking.
Cassius leaned toward him, his breaths rapidly expending from his lips, his chest heaving almost violently. “You cannot throw everything away, Merrick. I cannot allow you to do such a thing.”
His valet retreated immediately, stepping backward as the guests provided him a wide berth like the parting of the sea. Cassius’s eyes grew glassy, filling with unshed tears as he gazed at his prince one final time before fleeing the room.
Merrick’s heart dropped like a stone to his stomach. It felt as if an enormous hole was gaping in his chest. As if
someone had unplugged the sun and dismantled the moon and all that remained was a colossal iceberg where his soul had once been.
“Attention, everyone,” he heard his sister’s thick voice behind him along with three claps. “Charles and I have an announcement to make.” All eyes turned toward the center of the dance floor. “And afterward, we would like the honor of the first dance.”
As the attendees tittered excitedly and moved toward the edge of the dance floor, Merrick exhaled harshly. He owed his sister everything.
Merrick moved away from the guests and toward the terrace doors, where Cassius had made his escape, hoping it was only a dream and he would see his love waiting for him.
But as the cool air hit his skin, he only saw the vast forest before him and heard the whistling wind through the trees. He felt hollow once again.
A rectangular object on the stairs caught his attention, and he bent to pick it up. It was Cassius’s notebook, flipped open to the very last page. His gaze greedily drank in the sentences written by his lover’s hand.
Once upon a time there was an exquisite prince
Who filled my wintry soul with all the colors of spring
He became my day, my night, my sun, my moon
My heart, my soul, my very bones
My Ever After
Merrick hugged the notebook to his chest and allowed the tears to come.
32
Cassius
Cassius could not control his rapidly shaking hands. He wrung them together as though that would prevent it, but of course, it did no such thing.
Merrick had chosen him. He had approached Cassius with all of Evergreen’s aristocrats in attendance, and had asked Cas to dance.
And Cas had run.
That had been the right thing to do. He knew that to the depths of his soul. Merrick had too much at stake, too much to risk for Cassius. The kingdom was more important than Cassius, and Merrick was as well.
Merrick had chosen him…
He closed his eyes, pictured his prince there. The way his heart had swelled when Merrick had approached him. How much he had yearned to take Merrick’s hand, to dance with his prince and lay claim to him before every eye in the room.
But he had not…he could not.
Cassius’s fingers itched to write. His mind swam with words, apologies, love—because if he could not say all these things to Merrick, at least he could paint them in ink.
He reached into his pocket, hoping his passion would help ease his broken heart, but nothing was there. His journal was not there.
He dropped his head back against the seat of the train, his breaths releasing in quick pants. He had lost it, lost every word he had written for his prince, and all he could think of was what damage it would do to Merrick if it fell into the wrong hands.
Cassius shoved from his seat the moment the train slowed at his stop. As he walked down the slender aisle, his heart thudded against his chest, his body heavy as though he had affixed weights to his bones. Each step he took brought him farther from Pinewood Castle…farther from Merrick. He longed to return, to throw caution to the wind and not care of titles or consequences, but that would only hurt Merrick, not himself.
The wind was cold against his face as Cassius exited the train. He had not taken the time even to gather his things, including his winter jacket. He cupped his hands, blew hot air into them, but he was cold from more than weather. Even if he sat warm in front of a fire, it would not ease the ice in his soul.
The walk to his family home was quick. There was a part of him that did not want to return, that wished to hide from his family, the questions they would surely have…to hide from what he had done. But…he needed them as well. Cassius had left a piece of his heart at the castle, and the rest remained within the four walls of his home with his family.
His mother’s eyes darted up from where she kneaded bread. “Cassius! You’re home…and goodness, where is your coat? And whatever are you wearing? Where did you get such expensive clothing?”
She abandoned her perch and wheeled toward him. He fought to school his features, to mend the fractured pieces of his heart, if only for his mother’s benefit, but as she drew closer, her forehead furrowed and there was no doubt she saw. “What is it? What happened?” she queried.
“Nothing. I am fine. You are making bread?” He made an attempt to walk around her, but she reached out, her gentle fingers wrapping around his wrist.
“Whatever happened, did you think we would love you less? Is that why you never told us?” Those two questions nearly shattered what remained of his resolve.
Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “No, Mother.” There was not a part of him that thought his family would love him less or turn him away due to his desire for men.
“Then why did you not tell us?” Her voice cracked, and it was as though the pain there was another knife thrust into him.
Cassius sighed before he sat down at the table beside her. This was something he did not know how to put into words. “It is…difficult to explain. It’s not acceptable in most social circles. I wanted to protect my family from gossip. What if I struggled to find work or people were hurtful to you, Emily, or Elizabeth because of me?”
“Gossip we would care nothing about. We love you, Cassius. What outsiders say does not matter; only the people you hold close.”
He nodded because she was right. He knew she was, and he believed that, but he still would not have them suffer because he desired men. “Yes, but we have to work. What if it affected employment?”
“Then we would figure it out. We always figure it out, sweet boy. If we were forced to flee by those who did not approve of your preferences, then we would leave together.” She cupped his face and forced Cas to look at her. “What matters is you…our family. As long as we are together, the rest will come.”
Cassius nodded and then asked, “Did Father know?”
“Yes. It was he who told me. I don’t know how he knew, but he did. He had planned to ask you but wanted to give you time. His only concern was you. He loved you, Cassius. Something like who you love would never have changed that. There is no one in this world your father was prouder of than you.”
Cassius fought back tears as he knelt on the floor and hugged his mother. She cried into his hair, rubbed his back, yet he did not allow himself to let go. He couldn’t. The pain was too fresh. The rawness of his wound would not allow tears to break free and ease the pressure.
When he pulled away, she looked at him with a sad smile. “And when you are ready to talk, I will be here to listen. You are too good to have a broken heart.”
He shook his head. “There is no such thing as being too good for a heart that feels.” Cassius stood, appreciating the fact that his mother was giving him the time and space he needed.
“It will be good to have you home again. Go lie down. I know how you love fresh-baked bread. I’ll have some ready soon.”
He nodded and went to his room. He stepped out of his shoes, removed his waistcoat, and then climbed into bed, the rest of his clothing in place. He could not handle the thought of removing it, as though his running away was not real if he did not.
He didn’t rise when he smelled the bread. Could not draw himself from the bed as hours passed and the room darkened.
His brain and heart warred with each other—the part of him that worried of Merrick and felt as though he’d abandoned him, and the part that felt it was the right thing to do. Merrick would never forgive himself if he let his family down, if he did not fulfill his role for his kingdom. He would make a fine king one day, the best, and Cassius would not rob Merrick or Evergreen of Merrick’s rule.
He was not surprised when the door to his room opened slowly and Emily slipped inside, closing them in together. When she turned on the small lamp beside his bed. When she sat on the mattress beside him.
“I love him,” Cassius found himself saying.
She brushed his hair from his forehead. “He loves you as wel
l, dear brother. He wore it like armor for me to see. Armor he was proud to wear because it kept him safe. You wear it too. I saw it in both of you when you brought him home. It makes you strong.”
“It makes me weak,” he countered.
She rolled her eyes. “You are smarter than that, Cas. Do not pretend you aren’t.” When he didn’t reply, she continued. “We are alike, you and I, in more ways than you know.”
Cassius frowned, not understanding what she meant.
“It is not men I fancy, Cassius.”
His eyes widened, and he shoved up so he sat on the bed. “I should have known.” He drew Emily into a hug, and she allowed him to. They held each other, the bond between them forging stronger than Cassius thought possible.
“No, you should not have known. I did not want you to, but I’m glad you do now. We will discuss me later. Right now, I want to be here for my dearest friend.”
“Who is that?” Cassius teased, and she poked his side.
“You know who it is. You can try, but distraction will not help. He chose you…the prince…he asked you to dance at the ball? Word is all over Evergreen, yet they do not know who it is. The second I heard, I rushed home because I knew it was you.”
Cassius nodded. “Is it bad? The talk about Merrick?” He couldn’t handle it if it was. He needed Merrick to come out of this unscathed.
“You worry only of him?” she asked.
“Yes. I am not ashamed of how I feel for him. I would share it with the world if it wouldn’t hurt him.”
“I don’t know how your heart fits in your chest, Cas. It is much too big to belong in only one man.”
“If it is large, it is only because of Merrick. I did not know it was possible to belong to another the way I belong to him. I did not know someone could live inside another the way he has taken up residence inside me. He is everything good and pure and kind in this world, Em.”
Ever After (Forbidden Love #1) Page 20