2 Times the Bliss

by Sapphire Knight

  I’d started to contemplate that it was fate stepping in, the possibility that our time had finally come to either be together or resolve some stuff. My brother and Shyla went their separate ways for many years before uniting again. I was foolish enough to believe it was going to be the same way between Sunshine and me as well. I tried to fight the attraction, but that last night in the club between us was too much. I was on my way to fucking her. I thought I was punishing her, but I see now that the joke was on me. The consequences of my actions only cemented her further in my mind, after being apart from her for so long.

  I have no right to draw any conclusions when it comes to her. I can’t seem to stop myself from spiraling into my thoughts about where she is and what she’s doing. It drives me mad some nights when I lie down and wonder if she’s in bed with another man. I’ve Googled her, to see if I could find anything online about marriage or boyfriend but come up empty-handed. She has Facebook, but her posts are set to private. I’d have to friend request her to see anything, and I haven’t gotten up the nerve just yet. I’d rather sit and silently torture myself before I stoop down to dig for more information on her life.

  I’m hoping that I’ll accidently come across someone who’ll take my mind off her. So far, I’ve had no such luck. I still want her like I need air to breathe.

  Sunshine

  I’d be a fool to uproot everything and go back. The small town I grew up in doesn’t have my family, job, or anything else I need. But it has Nathan. Every time I have to return, my heart aches with wanting to stay. For some reason, it’s always been home. Nate’s there, along with every good memory I have of my youth. It’s hard to not want to be there.

  My parents have always told me to stay away, that there’s nothing there for us. They couldn’t be more wrong. That town has always called to me, and it has to mean something, right? I had to leave when I was a young fifteen; my parents didn’t leave me any choice in the matter. When I visit, it feels like I never left. It’s that way every time I return, no matter how short the stretch may be.

  When I was forced to move and left Nathanial behind, I’d anticipated returning someday. I’d intended to call and keep in touch; it was at the forefront of my mind. I didn’t plan on cutting him out completely, but my parents made me choose. It was either my daughter or him.

  I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. We’d left town, and I’d sobbed to the point of making myself physically ill. Day after day, the sadness quickly evolved into full-fledged depression. Eventually, my parents became so worried about my emotional state that they took me to a doctor. The psychiatrist wanted to put me on a mild antidepressant in response to what I was going through, and my parents readily agreed, wanting me well again.

  We’d ended up getting the biggest surprise that none of us had ever contemplated. At that point, it had been about eight weeks since we’d moved. I didn’t pay any attention to my body, to the small detail that I wasn’t having my period in that time. I was far too wrecked with my emotions and my heartbreak of having to leave the place and the boy I loved. My mother didn’t think anything of it either. She believed I was still a virgin and chalked up the skipped periods to my emotional stress.

  The doctor did some blood work before she decided to prescribe me any sort of meds and then discovered my pregnancy. My parents were shocked to their core, to say the least. They hadn’t envisioned that I’d ever been close enough to anyone to have sex with in the first place. I was stunned...it only took one time of me having sex, and I’d gotten pregnant. I was part of that small percentage of women you hear about, who lose their virginity and get pregnant the very first time.

  My parents were outraged that I was a teenage pregnancy and part of the stigma that came with it. Not only that, but I’m mixed, and my father was terrified of me becoming a statistic with multiple children by different men and on welfare. He’d worked so hard his entire life to offer me such a privileged lifestyle, he was beside himself. I didn’t realize we were wealthy; I was ignorant enough, to an extent, to believe everyone lived like we did.

  Everyone knew Nathan and that he’s a good guy, but then his folks’ accident happened. My parents didn’t want to put that pressure on him during such a traumatic time, and they told me to wait. I threatened to contact him myself, which backfired. My mother wasn’t having me end up married young and doing nothing with my life.

  My parents made me choose. They said, my daughter or Nate. If I chose my child, then they would help me and make sure I had everything I needed to go to the college I wanted. They promised to stand behind me so I could eventually reach all of my goals to be successful, as well as a good mother.

  If I chose Nate, they wanted me to put my baby up for adoption. They believed that statistically speaking, we wouldn’t make it with a teenage pregnancy. His parents had just died, he was in trouble with school, and his older brother even got kicked out of college when things went south. I didn’t want to acknowledge what was happening with him.

  I fought with them repeatedly. I’ve always loved Nate with every breath that I took. I wanted to contact him so badly; it was all a huge mess. Eventually, my parents convinced me that my baby’s father was in no position to be there emotionally or financially, like he would need to be at that time. I chose my daughter and gave up on any thoughts of having love in my life. I promised myself to always choose her, no matter what.

  I became a machine—school, baby, and eventually, work. I have an amazing career because of my parents’ assistance and my dedication to beating any stereotype. I have the most amazing daughter too, but still no love. Part of me wonders if I could ever love someone as much as I’ve always loved Nate. No one has ever come close to comparing. Not that I’ve dated much. I had no interest for the first few years anyhow, dedicating myself to my child and me.

  I met a few kind guys in college. I thought maybe one of them could be the right person for me. After a few dates, I either couldn’t stop thinking about Nathan, couldn’t hold back from comparing or else they found out about my daughter and called it quits. It’s been pretty damn lonely in the man department but having such an incredible kid has more than made up for it.

  I’ve wanted to contact Nate every day to tell him about his daughter. Especially during those extra special moments—like honor roll, losing a tooth, or now, middle school boy problems. I turned into a coward after so long, and I knew he’d hate me for keeping her from him. Nathanial and Natasha are so much alike too; it’s a blessing and a curse. She’s got his fiery temper, but also his passion and natural athletic ability. Each time she helps her team win a game, I silently wish her father were there to help celebrate. Every kid should have their dad in their life, they deserve it.

  Not only have I failed him in all of this, but I’ve failed her too. I’ve lied to Natasha over the years when she’s asked about him. There’ve been so many times she’s needed her father present. Thankfully, my dad has tried to step in and be there as much as possible, but it’ll never be the same as the real deal. She doesn’t have those unique, special daddy moments growing up that I had with my father.

  It’s something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.

  When she’s asked or gotten upset over the years, I’ve never once made her think he didn’t want her. That would be taking things too far, and she doesn’t deserve any extra heartache due to my decisions. My parents and I have kept consistent and tried not to lie as much as possible. If Natasha asked about him, anything I could share about him to her, I have. When she asked why he wasn’t there when she needed him, I lied to her. I told her I moved, and he moved afterward, so I could never find him. That it wasn’t him not wanting to be there, and it wasn’t that he didn’t love her...it was a missed connection. I told her again and again that he would love her and want her.

  I’d forever be sorry that I couldn’t give her the one thing she always wished for—her father.

  I’ve beat myself up over it every time I’ve had to defle
ct. Each trip I took back to the little town he lived in, even if I didn’t see Nate from afar, I felt guilty. I wanted to pack up our daughter and show up on his doorstep. I wanted him to meet Natasha, and I wanted him to love us both.

  With every visit, I found another reason to keep her away. First, it was him fighting and getting into trouble in school. Then it was him not going to college. That soon morphed into witnessing him with a woman, or another time finding him drunk beyond belief. Lastly, I found out he was a stripper and knew my daughter didn’t need to be around that. It’s always been my number one priority to keep her protected and loved.

  Now, however, I’m running out of excuses. He’s got a respectable job. He’s sobered up from what I’ve heard, and he’s been getting supplies to build a home. I’m so happy for him, yet fearful that he may have finally committed to someone. Each time I saw the papers or an online post about an Owens getting married, I’d freak out until discovering it was his brothers. Even then, I’d be on pins and needles for weeks after, knowing that he could easily be next.

  This last trip I was on, we actually spoke. It was the first time since I’d moved away as a teenager. Not only that, but we were close enough to each other to touch, to feel the sexual tension. It nearly broke me. I wanted to succumb, to give in and tell him everything. I wanted him to claim me all over again. I chickened out, of course.

  Since I’ve been home, it’s been the most difficult time to stay away, aside from the very beginning. I’ve been silently obsessing over him. I’ve resorted to calling a few old friends for updates of any kind. That’s how I learned about him buying the lumber and building materials, along with everything else to build his house.

  My mind feels like it may go crazy if he’s finally settling down with another woman. It’d have been easier if he did it when I was super busy with school and a toddler. Now, however, my career is smooth sailing and our daughter is old enough to not crave my attention every moment of the day. Natasha has her own interests and stays busy with school. Without that distraction, Nate has been moved front and center in my mind.

  “I’m so glad you’re home, Mom.” Natasha springs at me as I come through the door, her arms wrapping around me in a big hug. She’s gotten so tall this last year. It makes me sad and proud all at once to see her evolving into a young lady.

  “Me, too, sweetie.” I smile and hold her tightly before she practically bounces over to the refrigerator. The girl has so much energy; I’d love to have a mere fraction of it. “I’ve been home for over a month, though. Did you not enjoy your time with Grammy and Pops?”

  She pulls a carton of orange juice out, then closes the door and grabs a glass from the closest cabinet. She shrugs as she pours it half full. Just another small thing in common she has with her dad that she’ll never know about. Nate chugged orange juice every morning when we’d meet up at school.

  “I mean, sure, I had fun being around them. I always do. I just wish you’d take me with you. I like going out of town, hotels have the most comfortable beds.”

  “Sashy, you have school.”

  “I didn’t have it when you were out of town, though.” She takes a drink and replaces the juice in the fridge. She turns to me, sets her glass of juice down, and pins me with a curious look.

  “You had practice. Middle school sports are tough. You don’t want to miss any scheduled practices and get docked by your coaches.”

  “Mom,” she sighs as if I know nothing. The older she gets, the less I seem to know apparently. “I can run anywhere and swim at a hotel. Besides, my grades are always at the top of my classes, so it wouldn’t faze any of my teachers. Not that it matters since your trip was over summer vacation.”

  I smile wide at her argument. With her mother and grandfather as lawyers, she’s fully aware of how to present a good argument. “That’s very true, my daughter. I’ll keep those facts in mind the next time I make a trip somewhere. You do know it’s a tiny ranch town, right? You really didn’t miss much.”

  Just meeting your father. I think and internally cringe.

  Nathan would never forgive me if I just showed up with his daughter in tow. Especially not since I’ve kept her secret from him for so long. He’d hate me, and Natasha would be completely devastated to learn I’ve been the root of her lack of relationship with her father. Nothing I could say to her would matter, regardless if I had what I believed were good reasons each time.

  Natasha rinses her glass out and then places it in the dishwasher to be washed. She’s a good girl who always helps out around here when she isn’t going back and forth with school, homework, sports, and friends.

  “Grammy took me school shopping anyhow, so we stayed busy. But, for real, Mom, I want to go with you next time, please.”

  “We’ll revisit this in the future and possibly decide the outcome at that time, okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I have a project that I’m working on with Jade. Can I go over to her house to get some more done? She asked if I want to eat over there too.”

  “Are her parents home?”

  “Her mom is. Her dad is in China for a few weeks.”

  “Then, yes, you can. Call me later, and I’ll drop by to pick you up. I don’t like you walking in the dark, even if it is only five houses away. You need to keep me updated on these projects you’ve got going now, too, that school’s back in session. You know I like to be nosey about your school stuff.”

  “Thank you!” She singsongs the words, pops a kiss on my cheek, then grabs her bag hanging by the door. “Love you!”

  “Love you, too, baby and no boys, Natasha!”

  “Yes, ma’am,” she yells and is out the door off to her best friend’s house.

  See, how would Nate handle this? Her going off to friends, school conversations, keeping up with her schedule and reminding her about boys...two more years and she’ll be the same age I was when I became pregnant. I don’t want her to have to worry like I did. She needs the chance to be carefree and young. I want her to experience her teenage years without the pressures I had.

  I can only imagine how much peer pressure she’ll have to face when it comes to boys in the future. She’s so much more beautiful than I ever was. With me being half Caucasian and half African-American and her father having lightly tanned skin, Natasha has a light caramel skin tone that is the envy of anyone around.

  She’s got her father’s big bright expressive hazel eyes and the light natural highlights that run through my ringlets as her hair color. She’s the most stunning young lady I’ve ever seen, and I’m not just saying that because I’m her mother. I’ve been approached since she was a little girl about her potential for modeling. I refuse to put her through the turmoil of having a thin rail body to model. She’s slender but also has some of her momma’s curves. Natasha would easily throw Tyra Banks out the window any day, and that’s scary where boys are concerned.

  I feel guilty as well because she has another family—not just Nate—that she has no idea about. Her uncle Tyler is a famous football player in the NFL, and she hasn’t the slightest clue. She’s got roots in the South aside from my parents that she’ll never know about unless I finally fess up and tell her. I’m a coward in a sense, but I want nothing but the best for her, and I couldn’t live with myself if she hated me.

  Nate

  “Coach Owens!” is shouted out from behind me, and I pause to turn and face the young man who’s just yelled for me.

  My brow jumps as I find Rowdy Mitchell sprinting across the field toward me. Holding the clipboard to my side, I ask, “Yes, Mr. Mitchell?” I’ve had some time to watch these guys and this one, in particular, has real talent.

  Rowdy pants, “Coach.” He catches his breath as I turn and start walking again. He strides along. “How did I do today? I feel like I ran faster.”

  I almost roll my eyes but refrain. He asks me at least once a week how I think he did. “I wasn’t timing you, kid. I’ve told you this before.”

  “I know, Coach. Every
one around here says you’re the best coach to have. I mean, your brother went pro and everything.”

  “Mm-hmm.” I tug the door to the gym open and prop it to stay that way with the doorstop. That way, my team can easily run inside and hit the showers.

  “I will do whatever you think I need to. I promise. The team wasn’t sure at first, but you’re the real deal, and I want to win state. I want to win, period.”

  I finally meet his gaze again, chewing on my lip. Do I really want to get invested again like I was with Tyler? Back then, it was him and me; it was easier. Now I’m supposed to spread my coaching out through the entire team, not just one. “Is state your only goal?”

  “For this year, yes, sir. I want to win every year and get a scholarship into UA.”

  “You want this scholarship to be through the athletic department, I assume?” I ask, and nod to a few of the kids running inside.

  “Yes, Coach.”

  I make up my mind immediately. This is a kid who has plans for the future. Sure he wants to win state, but he’s actually looking at the bigger picture; he has goals. “I’ll make you a deal, Rowdy.”

  He nods, excitement shining in his gaze.

  “We have a grade check in two weeks. Raise your grade in each class that isn’t already an A, by at least three points. You do that, and then we’ll talk about in-depth changes to increase your personal performance.”

  “But, sir, what do those grades have to do with my game and improving?”

  “Anything can happen in a moment’s notice—anything. Trust me; I know better than anyone how quick your life can change. You want to go to college, I’m going to make sure you get there by not only your athletic ability but with your grades as well. Pick two teammates who you think are as serious about football and their future as you are. Not right this moment, but if you do everything I ask, I’ll carve out some things for you three to work on together.”