One Small Step

by M. A. Binfield

  “And I’m kind of surprised that you can’t just be happy that I’ve found a new friend to do stuff with without being such a fucking ass about it.” Cam left the room without looking back. As she stalked back down the stairs, Cam could feel her insides churning with anger and upset. It was bad enough that he was sulking and selfish, but to accuse her of having a crush on Iris was pathetic and unfair. She liked Iris, and that was not something she should have to justify to him.

  Cam sat in darkness on the couch, a blanket across her legs and her phone in her hand, checking emails, checking Twitter, looking for something to do that would distract her and calm her down. She just didn’t understand what was happening with her and Ryan these days, and if she was honest, she couldn’t stop thinking about Iris and how upset she’d been. Midway through an article about Donald Trump’s latest outburst, Cam was surprised to see the door to the living room open and light spill in from the hallway. Ryan appeared in the doorway in his boxers. They looked at each other for a while.

  “I’m sorry, Cam.” He ran a hand through his hair.

  She sat, looking at him silently, needing more from him than that.

  “I am sorry. I know I was a jerk, I was just feeling a bit resentful. Stupid I know.” He paused. “Please come to bed.” He sounded like he meant it, but Cam couldn’t be sure. She shook her head in reply.

  “Not yet.” Cam was still wide-awake.

  “Okay then.” Ryan crossed the room to where she was sitting and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. “G’night, babe. Sorry for being such a grouch.”

  “Good night.” Cam gave him a weary smile and watched as he disappeared back out of the room, the hallway light briefly shining into the room before the darkness settled in again.

  * * *

  It was just after midnight before Cam finally readied herself for bed, the argument with Ryan finally out of her system. She’d spent an hour of thinking about Iris and was pretty clear in her own mind that Amanda had a lot to answer for. She had broken Iris’s heart, while leaving her feeling responsible for the relationship ending. That, and Iris going off the rails afterward, had left Iris unwilling to trust herself to love again. Cam just couldn’t imagine how hard it was going to be for Iris to be around Amanda again.

  Cam chanced a text to Iris. Amanda was a fool and you didn’t deserve what happened. You deserve to be happy. She didn’t know exactly why she needed to say it, why she wanted to reach out to Iris, but she did.

  The reply came almost immediately, letting Cam know that Iris was also still awake. Thank you. I think I like your version of my life better than mine.

  A minute or two later, Cam received another text from Iris that simply said, In case you were wondering. The short message was accompanied by a URL. Cam clicked on it and was taken to a Buzzfeed list: 50 Reasons Why Britain is Better than America. She read through the list—better at queuing, the National Health Service, better at understatement and irony, better at making tea, invented the Spice Girls. The list was perfect and Cam knew it was Iris’s way of telling her not to leave London, and thinking that she cared enough to find and send it made Cam feel stupidly happy, happier than she had a right to be lying in bed next to her fiancé. She didn’t want to face the fact that the happiness Iris made her feel was something she wasn’t sure she could be without anymore.

  Chapter Eleven

  Cam was one of the first to arrive at the changing rooms. She shook out her umbrella and hung it on the hook above her usual spot on the bench, trying to make sure it didn’t drip all over her. In the opposite corner, a red bucket was catching the drip drip drip of rainwater coming through the roof. The changing room was in a terrible state—the word primitive was what came to Cam’s mind—and it was nowhere near as well maintained as the one they used for training. According to Hazel and Jess, who had been on several spying missions, it was also nowhere near as well maintained as the quartet of men’s changing rooms sitting alongside it.

  It was a tiny space, but still no one could be bothered to paint it or keep it clean. The main window was cracked, allowing in a cold breeze, and unless a plumbing miracle had occurred in the last week, Cam knew the water in the showers would alternate erratically between scalding hot and heart-stoppingly cold.

  Megan was trying to sweep the worst of the dried mud into a corner. The Cottoms team had this changing room to themselves, but the showers were shared with the other women’s changing room next door, and Cam could hear the noises on the other side of the showers that signaled that their opponents were starting to arrive. She began to change, willing herself to move slowly so she wasn’t ready too soon, not wanting to sit and shiver in her shorts if she got the timing wrong.

  Megan had stopped sweeping and was now fiddling with the medical supplies, emptying out the huge first aid box and counting the items back in. Cam cleared her throat and spoke across the short distance between them.

  “Jess told me…about Amanda coming back I mean. I know we need a goalkeeper, but I don’t think it’s fair to Iris. Is there really no one else who can play in goal?” Cam wasn’t sure Megan would welcome the challenge, but Iris was her friend and someone had to be willing to stick up for her.

  Megan sat next to Cam on the bench.

  “Being captain means making decisions for the good of the team, not for the good of individuals. It sounds naff, but it’s true. It’s the same when you have to leave out someone who really wants to play for someone else who plays better. It’s not easy, but someone’s got to do it, and unfortunately, that person is me. We need a keeper. Someone solid. We have a real chance of winning this league this season, and a good goalkeeper will make all the difference. I can’t afford to worry about past relationship dramas. Iris knows that.”

  Megan sighed. “Look, Iris is a big girl. She’ll be fine. They don’t have to be the best of friends, just play on the same team.”

  “You should have told her though. She should have heard it from you, since you’re the captain and all. It wasn’t fair she heard it from me.”

  “You’re right, I should have. It was all a bit sudden and I was scrambling to get things sorted for today. I didn’t manage to get hold of her till really late on Saturday, and she already knew about it by then. I’m sorry for that.”

  Megan looked at Cam as if assessing something, as if assessing her. “It’s good that you have her back though. She needs that. She needs people. On her side I mean. She doesn’t ever admit to it, but she does.”

  Cam nodded, realizing that she did really want to be on Iris’s side, wanted to be someone that Iris could lean on. She hadn’t understood, until Megan said it, just how damn much she wanted it.

  As if on cue, Iris walked in the door. A few steps behind her came Vicki and Priti, and then, moments later, Jess, Diane, and three of the other players. The noise level in the room went up by what seemed like a few hundred decibels. Iris smiled at her, dropping her bag on the ground. The smile was hesitant but seemed genuine, and Cam couldn’t help but return it.

  “Here we are then,” Iris said as she sat down, pulling a towel out of her bag to dry off her hair. She had gotten wet even in the short walk from the parking lot to the changing room. “A chance to beat the league leaders. I bet Megan hasn’t slept all night with the excitement of it all.”

  “For sure. Check that out, she’s even bought oranges for halftime, it must be serious.” Cam pointed at the table.

  Iris looked tired, slight shadows under her eyes. Cam imagined it was because of her, because she had all but forced Iris to recount what had happened with Amanda, and probably because Iris knew she’d be playing with Amanda today.

  “You okay?” Cam leaned in and touched Iris’s arm gently.

  “I think I am actually.” Iris returned the touch, squeezing Cam’s arm. “But thanks for asking. And thanks for yesterday, by the way. Not just for listening but for all of it. I know it probably didn’t seem like it with the way it ended, but I had a good time, a really good time. And obvi
ously the best bit was watching you squealing with fear about Jack the Ripper.” She gave Cam a wink.

  Cam let Iris lighten the mood, feeling ridiculously pleased that Iris had had as good a time as she had. And that she’d been willing to admit to it.

  “Reminding me of my Whitechapel trauma makes you a very mean girl.” Cam punched Iris playfully on the leg.

  “Ow.” Iris acted like it really hurt and made Cam rub her leg better. They both laughed, and Cam couldn’t measure the relief she felt that Iris seemed okay.

  The changing room door opened, and Hazel came in with Amanda close behind her. Amanda looked uncomfortable for a long moment until Vicki crossed the room to give her a bear hug and a warm welcome. Jess waved Amanda over, making space for her on the bench to her left. It was a friendly gesture but probably calculated to allow Jess to get as much information as possible out of Amanda in the process.

  As Amanda sat down, Cam saw her look across toward where Iris was sitting, before quickly looking away again and getting on with the business of getting ready. Cam could feel Iris’s tension beside her, the lightheartedness of a few moments ago gone. She nudged Iris with her leg and reached down to squeeze her hand gently, getting a small nod in return.

  Hazel headed to her usual position on Iris’s right hand side. She snaked an arm across Iris’s shoulders and gave her a squeeze.

  “Cheers, mate.” Iris spoke quietly.

  “All good?”

  “Yeah, completely.”

  Iris finished tying her boots and walked slowly over to where Amanda was sitting. The room seemed to grow quieter.

  “Hey.” Iris stuck out a hand in Amanda’s direction. “Good to have you back.”

  Amanda blinked up at Iris slightly before taking the hand she had offered. “Yeah, Megan’s pretty hard to say no to, you know what she’s like.”

  “I definitely do. You joined at the right time. We might just be about to win the league,” Iris said.

  “Yeah, I figured, thought I’d join now and see if I could grab a bit of glory right at the end of the season.”

  “Anyway, good to see you.”

  “You too.”

  Iris sat back down next to Cam and blew out a breath of relief.

  “Well done, that can’t have been easy.” Cam was impressed by how Iris had handled Amanda’s arrival, and she was rewarded for her comment with a shy smile from Iris and a slight shrug as if to say, what else was I supposed to do?

  Cam found it impossible not to pay attention to Amanda, knowing more than she had a right to about the new player and her breakup with Iris. It was easy for Cam to imagine just what an attractive couple they’d have made. Amanda was not as tall as Iris, but she had the same dark good looks and she carried herself gracefully. Her lighter hazel eyes made her seem less brooding, less intense than Iris, and she had certainly been very friendly toward Cam and the others in the team she didn’t know as Megan had made introductions before they headed out. Cam wanted to dislike her, she’d broken Iris’s heart for fuck’s sake, but that was silly. If Iris could rise above it, then so could she.

  Cam stood with the other players as Megan brought them together in a huddle for their pre-match pep talk. She and Iris had their arms linked as part of the circle, and Amanda was directly opposite them. Hurt her again, though, and you’ll have me to deal with. Cam wondered where the tribal feelings had sprung from. She shook her head, shaking away the ridiculous protectiveness.

  * * *

  Ryan had arrived pitch-side a couple of minutes before the start of the second half and far too late for him to do anything other than wave at Cam across the pitch. Cam should have been pleased he’d come at all, but instead she couldn’t help being annoyed he’d come so late. He was standing and chatting with Diane and Priti. It was still raining steadily, and though Ryan had an umbrella, Cam could see he wasn’t at all dressed for the terrible weather. She guessed that coming to watch had been a real last-minute decision for him.

  Ryan had watched her from the sidelines many times when they’d first got together. Cam liked having him there, enjoying his compliments about how she’d played, and laughing as he made silly jokes about their opponents. Over time, he found better things to do with his time. Cam frowned as she tried to remember, but it must have been a couple of years since he’d last watched her play.

  And since he’d shown no interest at all in her excited tales of how well her new team here in London was doing, Cam couldn’t help but wonder if Ryan turning up today was related to the argument they’d had on Saturday.

  “C’mon, Cottoms. Let’s do this.” Hearing the shout from across the pitch brought Cam out of her reverie. It was Vicki of course, her loud voice carrying to all corners of the pitch. Cam turned and clapped in Vicki’s direction, hearing Jess and Hazel return the shout. She made herself stop thinking about Iris and Amanda, stop wondering why Ryan had turned up, and simply concentrate on the game they really wanted to win.

  Iris was standing with Jess at the center spot, waiting to kick off, a picture of stillness and concentration, as she waited for the ref to get them underway again. The team was winning 2-1, but the first half had been tight. Megan had scored Cottoms’ first goal—a confidently taken penalty—awarded after a heavy kick to the back of Iris’s legs from the center half—who had received a yellow card for the foul and an earful from Hazel for good measure. The second goal had been Cam’s. She had run on to a pass that Iris had threaded through the two central defenders, controlled it with one touch, and then deftly lofted it over the advancing goalkeeper and into the back of the net. Even Amanda had sprinted half the length of the pitch to join in celebrating that goal, seeming genuinely delighted.

  In the ten minutes before half time, the other team got a goal back and could have scored more, but Cottoms had defended tenaciously, and Amanda had made a couple of really good saves, surprising Cam with how well she had played and by how easily she had slotted back into the team.

  Their opponents were tough, top of the league and unbeaten in six matches, and Cam knew that this made the halftime lead even more impressive. It was also one of the reasons—along with the steady rain—why Cam felt like the second half was going to feel like a very long forty-five minutes. She jumped up and down on the spot, willing her muscles to warm up and her mind to clear, determined to take any chances that came her way in the second half.

  * * *

  With only a few minutes to go, and with the score still at 2-1, the opposing team’s right back was caught in possession by Jess and had no option but to kick the ball into touch for a throw-in.

  The other team’s goalkeeper was tall and clad in a lime green shirt that made her look even more imposing. She was waving her arms in the air, trying to attract the ref’s attention to complain about how close Hazel was standing to her. It was something Megan had made them practice often, and it was perfectly within the rules of the game. Hazel would stand in front of the goalie, hoping to impede her ability to come and claim the ball, and Iris and Vicki would stand on the penalty spot and run toward the goal as Megan launched her throw hoping to connect with a header while the goalkeeper was stranded. Cam could see them both in front of her now, being closely marked. Their height always made Vicki and Iris a threat in the penalty area, and she knew that the defenders had no choice but to focus on them.

  Cam ghosted toward the back post, hoping her movement wouldn’t be noticed with all the attention on the taller players. Megan looped the ball into the box, and Cam watched, almost in slow motion, as Iris jumped, rising above the defenders to get her head to the ball and glance it behind her. As the ball came in Cam’s direction and landed at her feet, Cam nipped in to turn it into the net with a simple tap-in to take the score to 3-1.

  Her teammates crowded around Cam happily, hugging each other, slapping her on the back and high fiving jubilantly. She could see Iris being congratulated by Hazel and Vicki and ran the few yards toward them, jumping onto Iris’s back in celebration. Iris waite
d for her to jump down and enveloped her in a big hug, ruffling her hair affectionately and then holding her head with both hands on the side of Cam’s face and placing their foreheads together.

  “Nice movement, nice goal,” Iris said with a big grin.

  “You put it on a plate for me,” Cam responded happily.

  They fist-bumped and trotted back to take their places for the kickoff. The team was pumped, knowing the third goal would be decisive given how little time was left and pretty certain that they were about to register their most important win of the season.

  The full time whistle blew moments after they had kicked off after the goal, and the two teams began mingling on the pitch, shaking hands and offering congratulations and condolences where they were needed. It was obvious from the dropped heads and gloomy faces of their opponents that this was a loss they hadn’t expected. Cottoms had spent last season puttering along without much attention, finally ending up in sixth place. This season something was different, and they were playing some impressive football as well as picking up some good wins, and they had moved stealthily up the table without anyone really expecting it.

  Across the pitch, Amanda patted Iris on the back in celebration. To Cam, they seemed friendly enough, if a little awkward, but Iris looked tense as she turned away to shake hands with the opposing team’s goalkeeper. Just ahead of Iris, trudging off the pitch toward the changing rooms, Jess was in earnest conversation with the other team’s striker—a tall, graceful player with a mop of peroxide blond hair. Cam had already made the assumption that Jess was in the early stages of making a move, but maybe she really was just being friendly. For all Cam knew, they might already be friends. Surely even Jess had to have female friends, women she’d never slept with, women she didn’t want to sleep with.