One Small Step

by M. A. Binfield

  “Don’t.” Amanda put her hand on Iris’s arm. “We’ve all done things we regret, and treating you like I did is definitely one of mine. And after what happened between us…I mean, a lot of people would have reacted like you did. I just haven’t got your energy obviously.” The joke fell flat between them.

  “Jess been keeping you in the picture has she?” Iris ran her hands through her hair. Amanda looked a little sheepish.

  “Yeah, sorry, I wasn’t asking, she just had plenty to say about you. Couldn’t wait to tell me that the two of you, you know, after we broke up.”

  “Great.”

  “It’s nothing to do with me obviously. She also told me you’d been single for months. But she basically warned me off trying anything now that ‘I’m back.’ Tried to make it sound like you two still had some kind of connection that I’d be foolish to get in the way of. She’s a very strange girl.”

  “I know. Just try to ignore her, that’s what I do. I didn’t…I mean…I didn’t tell them all what happened between us. I didn’t want them feeling sorry for me.”

  Amanda nodded. They stood silently for a while.

  “We played well today, eh? I’ve never seen Megan so happy.” Iris changed the subject.

  “I know. She’s already focused on next week though. Says that we can go top if we win and the other results go our way. She’s so focused. And we have a great chance. Cam’s a very good player. You guys have a good understanding.”

  It was a casual comment, but Iris felt herself tense, even though she knew Amanda couldn’t know Cam was anything but a teammate to her.

  “She seems sweet as well. Though she seems a bit awkward around me for some reason.”

  Iris felt weird. She didn’t want to talk to Amanda about Cam, and she felt guilty that if there was any awkwardness, it was because she had told Cam more than she should have about her breakup with Amanda.

  “She’s just a little shy, that’s all.” Iris changed the subject again, moving off toward the pub door. “Anyway, never mind all that, let’s get to the important stuff. Are you still happy to be beaten by me at pool?”

  “You know you never won a single game we played when we were together don’t you?”

  “I think I’ve blocked out those painful memories. But, for all you know, I might well have improved my game since we last played.”

  “Have you?”

  “Not at all. I’m still awful.” Iris opened the door for Amanda to enter ahead of her.

  This felt okay. The idea of being this friendly with Amanda seemed a little less crazy than it had done twelve hours ago and maybe even something positive. They had been good friends before they got together and been good together for a long time before it went so wrong.

  They crossed to the pool table. Iris was happy to try and get onto an even keel with Amanda and, if she was being honest with herself, just happy to have something to do that wasn’t sitting with Cam and Ryan.

  * * *

  As Iris took her seat next to Cam, having lost the pool game as expected, Cam put a hand on her leg and squeezed, asking a question with her eyes. She had obviously seen Amanda and Iris together. Ryan was mid-anecdote, and Iris knew Cam didn’t want to talk across him so she just nodded, a gesture that said “everything’s fine.” Cam held her gaze for a beat and then lowered her eyes.

  “I swear it was a complete accident.” Ryan was telling Jess a story about the last time he’d been to see Cam play football and he scraped his car door against the car of the player who had feigned a dive in the penalty area to get Cam sent off. “I honestly didn’t even know what car she was driving, but Cam was convinced it was vengeful.” Everyone laughed.

  Jess told Ryan about the tackle that had hurt Cam a few weeks before and how she had squared up to Mabel afterward and would definitely have scratched her car if she’d stayed around afterward. They were both being a little too macho for Iris’s liking. She was pretty sure Cam could look after herself and didn’t need either of them fighting her battles.

  “Actually, it was Iris who was the real hero of that story.” Cam interrupted them. “Checked out my ankle, got me safely off the pitch, and made sure I was warm enough. Even introduced me to the medicinal power of pork scratchings afterward. More useful than fighting anyway.” She looked at Iris intently, offering her a fist to bump. Ryan looked at Cam with a questioning look on his face, while Jess scowled furiously, not even trying to hide how annoyed she was to hear Cam praising Iris. Jess was so transparent with her emotions and had so little impulse control. Not counting those few weeks after Amanda, Iris had spent a lifetime being the opposite, trusting no one but her father with her emotions. Sometimes it left her unable to understand what it was she wanted, what it was she was actually feeling. Of course, it also meant she felt safe, but maybe she’d started to want something more than safety.

  A thought popped into Iris’s head. Could it be that seeing Amanda again after so long had thrown her off balance and made her question whether she was happy being single, made her long for some form of meaningful connection with someone and that was why Cam had come to mean so much in such a short time? If it was that, then it would settle and she and Cam would be okay. She drained her glass and decided to go home, satisfied that she had come up with a reason that was as plausible as anything else she cared to contemplate for why seeing Cam and Ryan together was so difficult for her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Iris was making tea for them both at the counter that ran along one side of the kitchen at Cottoms. Cam could hear Iris humming a song gently to herself as she stirred the drinks. It was cute. Iris was fairly dressed down by her normal standards—in a patterned purple shirt worn loosely over black chinos. Even dressed casually, she looked good. Cam wondered briefly when she’d started to pay such attention to what Iris was wearing. She dispelled the thought, not really wanting to examine what it meant.

  Cam had a container full of food in her bag, and she’d already seen Iris put a huge baguette on the table next to her, but she still had the urge to go out somewhere for lunch. With Iris. Just the two of them. Graham had been a real grouch all morning and she wanted to treat herself. And if she was honest, she just wanted to spend some time with Iris.

  Iris turned and set the drinks on the table. Before she could sit, Cam spoke in a rush.

  “Let’s go out somewhere for lunch, ditch this place for an hour, get some hot food.”

  Iris sat down with a sigh. “That sounds so tempting, but I can’t, sorry. It’s the last day of the month and that usually means a twelve-hour day for me making sure all the offices have filed what they need to with head office. I was just gonna speed eat that baguette and get back to my desk. I’ll be here till late as it is.” She ran her hand through her hair, a gesture Cam now recognized as a sign of tiredness. She started to unwrap her baguette. “You definitely should go out though if you feel like a break. It’s healthy.” She tapped the baguette in front of her with a finger. “Unlike this baguette.”

  “No, it’s okay. I’ll eat here with you. I kind of wanted the company more than the change of air.”

  Cam took her food out of her bag and busied herself with unwrapping it. Ryan had surpassed himself today with a giant chicken and avocado sandwich on ciabatta layered with crispy strips of bacon. Iris bit into her baguette. Cam could see thick slices of brie sticking out and red smears of what looked like cranberry sauce. Iris had a streak of it on the corner of her mouth. Without thinking, Cam reached across to wipe it away with her thumb. Iris’s eyes darkened with surprise, and Cam was left feeling that the touch hadn’t been appreciated. They were quiet together, their usual chatter missing. Iris seemed a little preoccupied and Cam wanted to ask her if she was okay.

  And she really wanted to talk about the other night, about Amanda, and if she was really honest, about Priti. Cam had watched Iris with Priti, seen them laughing and talking, looking like they were getting on well. She had assumed that Iris wouldn’t be interested, was just b
eing friendly, but the thumbs-up she caught Hazel giving Iris across the pub had made her think again. Maybe Iris was getting back in the dating game. The thought of Iris and Priti getting together made Cam feel unsettled, anxious even. She started in on the sandwich in front of her as Iris scrolled through emails on her phone. Iris had put down her baguette and was concentrating on drinking the tea she had made.

  The door banged open and a group of staff including Jess and Hazel came rushing in bringing noise and movement. A long meeting had just ended and the shouts of “Get me coffee” were interlaced with moans about needing the loo. Jess sat next to Iris, pulling a fifth chair over from the adjacent table.

  “Don’t bother with milk for my coffee,” Jess shouted across to Oliver as she fished a sandwich out of her bag. Oliver was an intern but Jess seemed to think this meant he was her personal slave.

  Hazel crossed to the fridge to retrieve a Tupperware container, grabbed a fork from the drawer, and plopped herself down next to Cam, forking pasta salad greedily into her mouth.

  “I’m starving. That was two and a half hours of account reviews and not even a comfort break. I think Mr. Cottom has had his bladder surgically sealed. In the end I had to put my hand up and ask if I could go. Felt like a school kid. I swear he looked at me like he disapproved of the weakness of my bladder.”

  “He did,” Jess said. “That’s why I told Oliver to pee in his Coke bottle under the table if he wanted to make a good impression.”

  “He didn’t?” Cam said.

  “Of course not, it was obviously a joke.” Jess glared at her like she was an idiot, her hostility was so open that Cam blanched.

  Oliver came back to the table with the drinks. “You should have seen me sprint to the toilets as soon as the meeting was over though. Broke the one-hundred-meter record.” They all laughed, except Cam who resented them interrupting her lunch with Iris. She picked up her sandwich. Next to her, Iris licked away a smear of cranberry sauce on her fingers. The sight caused an unexpected jolt deep down in Cam’s insides.

  “You’re joking, right?” Hazel’s raised voice brought Cam’s attention back to the group. She’d missed something.

  Hazel leaned toward Oliver. “Just to be clear, he’s paying for your team to have a physio attend every single match and he’s agreed to buy you a new kit?”

  “I’m sorry, it’s not…I mean, I’m not sure, just something Liam said at training, I don’t know all the details.”

  Hazel leaned back in her chair. “Not your fault, mate, don’t worry.” She paused. “That sexist little prick. Wait till Megan finds out about this. She’ll go ballistic.”

  “Graham will just deny it’s outside of the budget that’s already been agreed or he’ll get Liam to lie about it. I don’t see how we can get the fucker on it.” Iris sounded as angry as Hazel.

  Liam was the captain of the men’s soccer team, and he and Graham were on very friendly terms. Cam had plenty of experience of what a dick Liam was, hanging around her desk, telling her how pretty she looked in whatever she was wearing like he was God’s gift to women, like he had a right to comment on a coworker’s appearance and, of course, Graham had not once stood up for her.

  “Liam and Graham are thick as thieves,” Cam said. “I could ask Liam, see if he admits to it without realizing. He kind of, well, he’s always flirting with me. Obviously I hate it but, well, it might be useful for once.” She looked across the table toward Hazel.

  “That’s a great idea.” Hazel nodded.

  “He’s too smart for that,” Iris said. “If he already knows that we’re agitating Graham about the unequal funding given to the teams, he’ll see you coming. And anyway I don’t see why you should have to do that.” Iris held her gaze for a beat.

  “Couldn’t you do some spying for us? You could find out from Liam just how much funding the men’s team gets.” Jess nudged Oliver.

  Oliver looked terrified. “No way. It’s bad enough that I blabbed about this to you. If Liam finds out he’ll make my life a misery. Sorry.”

  “We’ll think of something,” Hazel said. “He’s not going to get away with treating us like second class citizens.”

  Iris picked up the remains of her lunch and stuffed it into her bag. “Got to get on. End of the month today and I’m off tomorrow. Catch you guys soon.”

  “I’ll come with you.” Hazel picked up her tea and the remains of her lunch. “I’ll find Megan and give her the latest on Graham. If you hear any breaking furniture, you’ll know I’ve told her.”

  Cam stood awkwardly, not sure she would see Iris again today.

  “Iris?”

  Iris turned back to face her.

  “Are we still doing that dinner thing tomorrow?”

  “Yes, we are.” Iris said the words quietly. “I mean, if it’s still okay with you.” She left the question in the air.

  “Yeah, totally. Okay, so, see you then,” Cam replied, her relief competing with a bit of anxiety. Iris left the room, and Cam sat back at the table, aware of Jess gazing at her with even more hostility than normal.

  “Well, well, well, so you have a dinner date with Iris tomorrow? I guess you two have been getting a bit friendly. You’re taking a chance with that though.”

  Cam said nothing, biting into her sandwich and hoping Jess would let it go.

  “I mean, you know what she’s like. It’s not as if we haven’t warned you, but seducing women is something she’s very good at so don’t let your guard down and,” a malicious look passed across Jess’s face, “don’t feel at all special. She won’t return any of your calls afterward.” Jess leaned back looking pleased with herself.

  Cam felt her face burn. In her reaction, she recognized the part that was anger, but there was something else too. She didn’t think Iris was interested in her that way, but the idea of Iris hurting her just didn’t compute. She was sweeter than Jess would ever know.

  “I’m sure she’d love to hear you talking about her like this, Jess. Is that what friends do, do you think? You say you’re her friend, but every chance you get you make all these nasty bitter comments about her, making her sound like a monster and trying to sabotage her friendships. I can’t believe you haven’t moved on after all this time.”

  Jess’s eyes narrowed.

  “She’s a friend, Jess. We’re having dinner because we like spending time together, because we have things in common. I know it’s hard for you to believe, but it is possible for that to be the case with no one getting laid.” Cam could have told Jess that it was Ryan who had made the invitation to Iris, and that he would be present throughout the evening, but she didn’t want to explain herself to Jess.

  “But I tell you what, the Iris I know, today’s Iris—not the one you want to keep talking about from months ago—is sweet and kind and not the slightest bit interested in seducing me, so stop with the stupid comments please.” Cam took in a breath. “We’ve all done things we regret, but usually our friends let us forget them and help us move on. Iris deserves your support for what she went through with Amanda, not your constant snide comments.”

  Cam wrapped the remains of her sandwich into the foil and shoved it back into the container.

  Jess was silent and she looked at Cam coldly. She leaned forward. “So Iris told you a sob story did she? I bet she made you feel sorry for her, and I bet you feel all protective toward her now. Don’t you know that means she’s halfway there already? Trust me, I should know. It’s a good job I let your fiancé know that you hanging out with Iris was something he needed to keep an eye on. Seems like you’re not capable of protecting yourself.”

  Jess summoned Oliver to follow her and strolled nonchalantly out of the kitchen.

  What the hell am I supposed to make of all that? Cam rubbed her forehead, a headache developing. She wasn’t good with conflict but was happy to have at least tried to stand up to Jess…to stand up for Iris.

  A niggling voice told her that maybe, just maybe, Jess knew Iris better than she did. Cam
shook the thought away. She might not have known Iris for long, but she knew her well enough to know that Iris hadn’t told her about Amanda to gain her sympathy. She had owned her part in what went wrong and been clear that she’d behaved badly afterward. If anything, the way she told the story would have made most people run in the opposite direction. Cam sighed and wondered what it said about her that it had pulled her closer.

  But why the hell didn’t Ryan tell me that Jess had warned him about Iris?

  Cam thought about the evening they had spent in the pub and tried to remember a time when he and Jess had spoken privately. She wasn’t sure they’d even had the chance and wondered if Jess was making it up, simply saying it to hurt her. Knowing Jess, the lie was perfectly possible.

  Cam stood and pushed her chair under the table, ready to go back to work. On her way back into the annex, she stopped, remembering just how unlike Ryan it had been to invite Iris to dinner. It had surprised her at the time, and now she was convinced Jess had said something and that Ryan intended to use the dinner to scrutinize her relationship with Iris. Her annoyance with him grew. Not only had he not told her what Jess had said but he was clearly pretending to have a nicer motive in arranging the dinner.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Iris stopped for a minute to catch her breath, leaning on her shovel. This was bloody hard work. Her dad plowed on ahead of her, turning over the soil in his corner of the allotment, occasionally bending down to pick out a large stone and flinging it onto the pile they had accumulated between them close to the fence. It was cold and damp. Though it had stopped raining hours before, the soil was still wet, and Iris’s boots were covered in mud and her jeans were streaked with it up to her knees.

  God, she loved this. Being outside, being with her dad, getting ready to plant things. She even loved the effort of it, enjoying the feel of her muscles straining. Her own flat didn’t even have a balcony, so the closest she came to growing things were the herbs she had in little pots set out across her kitchen window ledge. Nowhere near as satisfying as this. Being with her dad out on his allotment, getting the soil ready so he could grow real stuff like rhubarb and cabbage and squash.