The Princess and the Privy

by Berin Stephens

idea of crawling through a toilet, but at this point I was beginning to feel desperate.

  After nightfall, I put my new plan into effect. And, no, I didn't use the clothes I had rented. I returned them that night and put my old clothes back on. It would be the last time I would need them since I would either succeed in joining the king's army or I would be cast into a deep dungeon for the rest of my life. Either way, I'd at least get free food.

  I crept alongside the waterfall and waited for any guards patrolling the wall above to move on. Once it was clear, I took a rope I 'rented' and tied it to a long, straight branch I had found. It took a few tries between patrols, but I finally succeeded in getting the branch around the back side of the tree in the cliff. I hoped the roots had dug into the rock deep enough to hold my weight. I gave the rope a tug and the branch lodged behind the trunk; just as I'd planned.

  Torchlight flared overhead, forcing me to duck behind a bush.

  I heard feet shuffle around on the wall above and torchlight flickered closer. My heart stopped when I realized that the rope could be seen stretching from my hand to the tree. If the guards saw it, I was done for. I prepared to let go of the rope and make a run for it.

  “Did you hear somethin'?” a guttural voice asked from the top of the wall.

  “No,” another voice said. It seemed forever before the footsteps resumed along the walkway and the torchlight went away.

  I let out a sigh and crept from behind the bush. It was now or never. I steeled my courage and gave the rope one last tug. After taking a few steps back, I ran toward the bank of the moat. I leapt and pulled myself upward at the same time to keep from dragging through the moat. Once airborne, I swung toward my destiny.

  And missed.

  My fingers just barely scraped the side of the wall when I swung back over the moat. This was not good. I had at most another minute before the guards would be back. And, to my dismay, the rope dragging through the water decreased my swing so much that I couldn’t even come close to touching the wall again, leaving me hanging precariously over the slimy water.

  I had to put my fantastic brain to work in an effort to avoid dropping into the water and swimming to safety. It was then that I noticed the cliff wall right next to me. I put my feet against it and pushed my way back toward the castle. When I made it as far I as I could go, I realized that I was still a couple of feet away from being able to grab the grate at the bottom of the privy hole. My only chance was to push off from the wall and hope I could swing over to it. Footsteps sounded from above. It was now or never. I pushed with all my strength and flew toward the hole. I lashed out with my free hand and barely managed to grab the grate. At the same time, the branch that had wrapped around the tree slipped and fell into the moat. So much for my emergency escape plan. I let go of the rope and brought my other hand over for a better grip.

  “Did you hear that?” a guard asked.

  “Yeah, I did.” Torchlight flickered down the wall, forcing me to have to pull myself under the overhanging toilet.

  “What do you think it is?”

  “It’s probably that fur-dragon again. It’s been preying on the local sheep lately. The other night I saw it down there laying in the moat.”

  “I wouldn’t want to be caught in that thing’s jaws.” After a few seconds of silence, the torchlight went away and I heard their footsteps walk away.

  I took a deep breath to calm my heart rate. But now that the danger was over, I realized the smell coming from the privy hole was the worst thing I’d ever smelled in my life. My resolve to climb in the castle that way began to waiver. All I had to do was let go and fall a few feet back into the moat. But then, the news about the fur-dragon being in the area caused me to cancel that thought. Why doesn’t the tourist board ever let people know about things like that?

  One stone in the wall protruded enough for me to get my foot on it and reach toward the other privy hole. That one didn’t have a grate, so I pulled myself in by finding more stones to cling to.

  It was tight fit. Fortunately, I'm not a very large person. Once inside, I looked up. Bad idea. The tube was a lot longer than I expected. Holding my breath as much as possible, I squirmed my way up. The journey was miserable, and when I emerged through the hole into a dark privy room I took a deep breath of unstinkified air. I'd made it!

  The wood wall next to my ear shattered into splinters, jolting me out of my recovery. I looked up and saw a spiked mace embedded in the wall next to me. A large hand clamped around my throat. Since I couldn't see my adversary, I tried diplomacy.

  “Ack . . . urk . . . gaaahhh,” I pleaded.

  “Who are you?” asked a gruff, female voice.

  Great, I thought, I had been captured by a giant female guard. “Mrrrrkgle,” I introduced myself. The grip lessened on my throat. “Myrick the Magnanimous.”

  “What are you after, thief?”

  “I'm not a thief. Honest.”

  “An honest thief, eh?” She sniffed. “You stink.”

  “Well, you look like a cow,” was the line that escaped my lips, even though I still couldn't see her. Someday I should break the habit of saying the first thing that comes to my mind.

  The grip tightened again, cutting off my air. I flailed my arms trying to breathe. After a few seconds, her hand loosened and allowed me enough air to stay conscious.

  “Now, let's try again. What are you doing here?”

  I tried something different this time: the truth. “I'm here to join the army.”

  The hand quivered, then released from my throat. I rolled away and sat up, gasping for breath. At first I thought I heard my captor crying until I realized she was laughing.

  “Okay, so I'm a little small, big deal. I can wield a sword as good as some big, brainless guy.” I was really getting tired of being laughed at.

  She chuckled a few more times before reaching down and pulling her mace out of the wall. Her humor vanished as she ordered, “Get up.”

  Her large hand grabbed my armpit to haul me to my feet. She then 'gently but firmly' led me out of the toilet room and into a torch-lit stone hallway. I stole glances at her as she marched me along. Her blond hair was cut short in a military fashion. She was tall and broad shouldered with well-muscled arms. I expected that in a guard. I also expected a guard to wear chain mail or something like it. My abductress, however, wore a pink, frilly silk dress.

  Her free hand pressed against my chest and pinned me against the wall while she examined me in the torchlight. Her nose wrinkled into a snarl as she got another good whiff of my cologne ala privy. “You look and smell like a thief.”

  “I'm just a peasant who is looking to improve his lot in life by joining King Frankfurt's army. Really.” I poured all the honesty and sincerity I could into my eyes.

  She shook her head before taking her hand off my chest. “I find that hard to believe.”

  “Just take me to the court wizard and I'll prove it to you.”

  The giantess shook her head. “I'm not allowed to do that.” She looked me up and down with a judgmental eye. “And if I report you, you will be thrown in the dungeon . . . or executed. Probably both.” The woman sighed and looked up the stone hallway lost in thought. A few seconds later, her head snapped back in my direction. “But maybe we can help each other. I'll help you join my father's army if you help me escape from this prison.”

  “I . . . uh . . . what?” My brain did a somersault. “Your father? You're Princess Frederica?”

  She smiled glumly as she caressed her mace. “That's me.”

  “I thought you'd be more beautiful.”

  She glared at me. The hand holding the mace rose a few inches.

  Whoops. Stupid lips, speaking before I told them to. The last few years, the king's royal troubadours had been singing songs about his beautiful daughter and her suitors traveling from all over the world to win her hand in marriage. The minstrels had obviously never seen her.

  I kept my eyes glued on her mace. “I mean, sorry, it's
just you're not what I expected.”

  Her glare turned into an introspective frown as her shoulders slumped. To my relief, the mace lowered, too. “I'm never what anyone expects, thanks to my father's troubadours.” Her eyes took on a steely look and stared deep into mine. “That is why I need your help. I want out of here so I can have a normal life somewhere. Somewhere in the open without walls.”

  “What are you in prison for?”

  “For not being beautiful.”

  “What?” I had never heard of that being a crime, but then again, royals might have different laws. But still, that didn't seem very fair, even to a lowly peasant like me. And it wasn't like she was ugly, either, she just wasn't very . . . uh . . . princessy. But I knew I had to help, because Myrick the Merciful (that's better) could not stand by while a princess was being held captive. “Okay, I'll help.”

  Frederica nodded as her nose wrinkled again. “But first we need to find you some clothes that are a little less . . .”

  “Stinky?”

  “Yeah. Follow me.” Frederica led me down a short hall and to a door. She opened it and we went inside. A candle cast a dim light in the room, illuminating a weapons rack, some practice dummies (well used, I’ll add), and several quivers of arrows.

  “Where are we?" I asked.

  “This is my bedroom.”

  When I looked again, I saw a bed but it looked very utilitarian. Not the fancy, frilly four-poster bed I thought a princess should have.

  Frederica went to a chest of drawers