Seven Days There

by Ruth Hay

  Zoe looked paler than usual but seemed to have recovered her usual confidence. She managed to meet Corinne’s requirements and the quartet soon reached their planned destination, The Gold Rill Hotel where Valerie had stayed for her first night in the Lake District. They settled happily in the comfortable lounge at the stroke of two o’clock and were just in time to order hot lunches delivered to their table.

  No one asked Zoe what had happened to cause her accident. It was a sensitive conspiracy of silence among the older women and as soon as the food arrived they were all distracted by the aromas and the promise of what Valerie had described as ‘the best sticky toffee pudding you will ever eat!’

  Valerie made a short detour to the front desk where she asked for a taxi to deliver them back to the White Moss parking area in an hour or so.

  When Sandra discovered Val’s original plan was to walk through Grasmere Village, and along the road to their starting point, she thanked Zoe for causing the change of plan as she swore she would never have survived that walk in one piece.

  In high spirits, the party arrived back to base and collapsed onto chairs and couches.

  No one had asked what caused Zoe’s sudden departure on the mountainside.

  It looked as if recovery naps were required until Valerie suggested a better way to relieve any muscle stiffness.

  “The swimming pool lies beneath this apartment and we have permission to use its facilities. There’s a hot tub and Sandra can attest the temperature in the whole pool area is like a sauna so you won’t suffer from cold. Let’s go down and relax. We’ll leave Zoe here in peace.”

  Corinne checked that Zoe would keep her foot elevated and alternate the hot and cold treatment that was known to reduce swelling. Corinne had placed a wet, heavy sock in the freezer to act as an ice pack. They left Zoe there with her phone to her ear and the television remote for company.

  The three women were soon inside the pool area changing room and Sandra could wait no longer.

  “Did Zoe pledge you to secrecy, Val? I am dying to know what happened on the mountain.”

  Corinne was curious also but aware she did not have the long association with Zoe’s family that was common to the two older women. “Look, I can go down for a swim and leave you to talk privately.”

  “No! You both deserve an explanation and there’s a reason why I want you to hear. I’m going to need your help with Zoe.”

  They sat on the change room’s wooden bench and gave Valerie their full attention. She grasped Sandra’s hands tightly, knowing what she had to say would affect her the most. The bare outline of Zoe’s sad story was told quickly and both women gasped in shock. Neither could ever have suspected such a grim, dark tale haunted the polished exterior of the girl they had envied.

  “Good God! That’s horrific! What can we do to help?”

  “I just want to take Zoe in my arms and hold her like I did when she was just a bairn. She must have suffered terribly for years. I feel awful that we didn’t know anything about this. She has been so alone.”

  “She’s not alone now, Sandy. We can help her if you two will agree to share some of your own stories. I think she’s consumed by guilt and we all know enough about that subject to show her she’s not the only one. No one gets a get-out-of-jail-free card on that part of life’s experiences.”

  Two heads nodded eagerly. They would do anything if she thought it could help.

  “Thank you both sincerely. It’s a lot to ask. Let’s go down the stairs to the pool and hot tub and prepare for what will be a difficult discussion.”

  When the trio returned to the apartment, relaxed and soothed from their spa break, they found Zoe sitting on the couch with a determined expression on her face.

  “Please sit down, ladies. I need to say some things to you before I go.”

  Corinne protested. “Look, Zoe, I am glad you feel better but it would be a mistake to put too much weight on your foot for a day or two, and no high heels of course!”

  “You are right Nurse Carstairs! I didn’t express myself very well. I won’t be leaving today but I can’t spend another night here without setting the record straight. I boiled some water for tea so we can be civilized. My mother always said tea makes all crises seem better.”

  Valerie noted this was the first and only time Zoe had mentioned her mother in public. She took it as a good sign and sat down beside her while Sandra went to pour tea and set it on a tray.

  In the end no one actually drank any tea. They could not take their eyes off Zoe or miss one word she said in the next half-hour.

  “I want to start by saying what it has meant to me to be accepted into this group of friends. I really did not intend to join you here but circumstances led me to you and I am glad from the bottom of my heart.

  You didn’t know me before but I can assure you I am now utterly different. I don’t mean only superficially, although I will do something about the black and white thing very soon. It’s inside me that the real change has occurred. I can see now what I have missed by shutting myself away from life.

  The pain never lessens when it is continually squashed into smaller and smaller places. It just gets more intense. I suspect this pain was also beginning to affect my business dealings so you have saved me from that disaster too.”

  She took a deep breath, looked over to Valerie for strength, and continued to speak with her gaze fastened on the carpet at her feet.

  “My mother; the dearest, sweetest, most loving, smartest woman in the whole world was driven to such abject despair that she took her own life. She never indicated by word or manner what turmoil she must have been enduring to get to such a place and I feel anguished that I was not more observant and also not at home as much as I could have been. Perhaps I could have saved her. Perhaps not.

  This is long years ago now but I have lingering anger; sometimes against my mother, God help me, and also a rage against my father than has never diminished. I blame him for setting all this in motion with his actions. He has never approached me to explain what he did.”

  The silence in the room was palpable until Zoe raised her eyes in fear to look at her audience. What she saw then, proved to her how right she had been to trust these unknown women with her deepest, most tormenting secrets. Each one of them had tears on her cheeks and, acting as one body, they gathered closer so they could all touch her and convey without words how much support they wanted to give.

  Something unlocked in Zoe Morton at that moment. Some things evaporated. Some got lighter and she knew she would never again feel so alone.

  There was a lot of murmuring, a lot of dabbing at tears and, finally, a beginning of a conversation Zoe had not expected and would not have known how to ask for.

  Valerie nodded to give Corinne the go ahead.

  “Listen, my dear girl! You have endured a horrendous shock and loss but I am here to tell you we are all familiar with the guilt and the anger you speak of. In my case, I am guilty of so many offences against my daughter. Some, believe it or not, have begun to become clearer to me in the last few days here with you all. Often, distance from a problem can bring some clarity.

  I have shown absolutely no sympathy to Carla in this separation from her husband. I have transferred my own feelings of anger at the amount of patience and effort it has taken to persevere in my own long marriage, onto Carla, blaming her for giving up too soon. I have chastised her like a wayward child instead of listening to her reasons. This latest episode with the ‘boyfriend’ drove me over the edge and I am ashamed of my behaviour. My only hope is that her father has calmed things down. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was gone for good by the time I get home again.”

  Corinne sat back against the chair and looked out at the darkening sky with a thoughtful gaze.

  “Oh, well, if it’s true confessions you want, I can volunteer mine!”

  All eyes turned on Sandra who was now pacing up and down the space in front of the patio windows ignoring the view of the cloudy sky and
the high hills and working herself up into a state where she could express, physically, all that she had kept under wraps. Even Valerie was surprised by her reaction.

  “With me, the anger is turned inward and festering away inside me. No, it’s not something ghastly like Zoe had to endure. Nothing we can say would compare to that, but it’s destructive all the same and the worst thing is, I can only blame myself.

  I look at Zoe with a career and so many choices in her life. I admire Corinne’s devotion to a caring vocation, despite its difficulties. I know Valerie’s lifelong profession has contributed so much to so many children and then I look at myself. What have I done with my life?”

  “Wait a minute!” interrupted Valerie. “You brought up three lovely daughters and help out with your grandkids. That’s not nothing!”

  “But what you don’t know is the way I am wasting my life. Ian has his work which he loves. He travels often and he has always provided well for us. Could be that’s part of the problem. There was no real need for me to teach to help out financially. I sat at home after the girls were all in school and did nothing. No hobbies; no community work; no school volunteering; no real family contacts. Nothing!

  Day after day, and month after month; years of nothing! I watch TV all day long. Do a bit of cooking and a lot of eating. I don’t see friends for coffee or shopping. Lord help me! My best friend is Oprah! Now that’s pretty sad, you must admit.

  Yes, of course I felt guilty but I ate another box of cookies and buried the guilt in sweet calories.

  Am I ashamed of myself? Absolutely! Am I afraid of the future? Totally! And my biggest fear, the one I have never breathed to a single soul before this minute……” She stopped mid-sentence and gulped air into her lungs to get her through the next part. “…………I am terrified that Ian has already found a woman more interesting and challenging than his fat, dowdy housewife ruining her life at home.”

  She turned on her heel and fled from the lounge into the bedroom and threw herself on the bed sobbing into her pillow.

  It was easy for everyone to see how hard these words were for Sandra to confess.

  She was not alone for long, however. With Zoe hopping along in the rear, all three women crowded around her on the bed, patting her back and offering soothing words of understanding.

  It was Valerie, her oldest friend, who dried her tears and made her sit up and listen.

  “Remember our motto when we were at college? ‘Together against all comers’, if I recall it correctly.”

  Sandra gave a tearful half-smile acknowledging the old saying.

  “We are still together and we can fix things. There’s still time for that. In case you all think I am Little Miss Perfect, I can tell you my guilt also runs deep and will be with me always.”

  “What are you saying, Val? What do you feel guilty about, for goodness sake? Look what you are doing for us here in this special place.”

  “I don’t think you can understand what I am about to tell you unless you have been through a similar situation. You know David died after a long illness but you don’t know the price of that illness. Of course David paid the ultimate price but it cost me dearly as well.

  When a husband is immersed in a life-or-death struggle like cancer, his wife is left to her own devices in every part of her existence. No one else is there during the sleepless nights and the long, weary days. Who else is there to listen to the fears and worries as successive treatments come and go without alleviating increasingly painful symptoms?

  Oh, I can see what you are thinking, Corinne! This is what every wife goes through. You are right. You’ve seen it many times in the hospital, but does every wife survive by cutting her feelings apart?

  By separating herself from the daily trauma and playing a role that only pretends to share the suffering?

  I did it to preserve my sanity; to selfishly avoid being drawn down into the abyss, and yet, as months go by, I feel more and more guilty that I betrayed the man I loved. The anger and the resentment grew until I could barely stand it. And all this self-indulgence while he was slowly dying right in front of me.”

  Corinne was shaking her head in denial of Valerie’s claims. Over the years she had seen every version of survivor guilt including close observation of some of the couples who had stayed with her and Arthur during hospital procedures that did not have the same initial happy outcome as David’s. She felt she could help Val through this better than the others could and she realized the first step in that healing had already begun, even if Val did not yet know it. First, you have to name it.

  Valerie was not finished. She continued in an increasingly quiet voice.

  “When we were at Blackwell the other day, I didn’t tell you about my special place there. It was the dining room, a calm, beautiful space set for a family meal. I sat there and remembered how, at home, we had to clear out all our dining room furniture, right down to the carpets, so that David’s hospital bed and equipment could take its place for his final months. It was his wish to die at home and from that point on there was no denying the inevitable. I was so afraid I would not have the stamina to endure what was to come. I shut up my emotions even tighter and refused every offer of help. I did not dare risk breaking down in public. My control was the only thing I had left. Zoe knows what I am saying.”

  A nod was all Zoe could summon.

  “When it was all over and the remnants of those months were all returned to the hospital, I was unable to enter the dining room; the place where family meals had been enjoyed during the boys’ childhoods. It was ruined for me.

  I never set foot in it again. It was one of the main reasons I decided to sell the family home and reset my life. When the realtor came to assess the house I asked him to rent furniture for the empty room and I sold the old stuff from the garage where it was stored.”

  By this point Valerie’s voice had almost disappeared and she was clearly exhausted.

  “So, Val, you are saying the Blackwell room showed you what you had lost? I am beyond sad for you. You went through this without me and I never did anything to find out what it was like. You said a few minutes ago that our motto still stands. Well, my dearie, that goes both ways. I won’t let you be alone again.”

  It had been a strange time for all of them. There was much to think about and nothing more to be said until there was a chance to absorb the lessons.

  Everyone went off to their own beds and silence fell. It was the deep sleep of emptiness. Some pain had been expunged and as yet there was no healing salve to take its place.

  That would come later.

  Eleven.

  Wednesday.

  Zoe Morton was astonished to have slept so soundly. After the traumatic confessions of the evening before, she thought she would have tossed and turned all night going over every word that had been said. Instead, she had dreamed of something pleasant and peaceful that left her with no recall of the dream but a calm feeling inside.

  She knew, instinctively, a change of venue was required to overcome any lingering emotion of embarrassment among the women. She cast her mind around the options and soon came to a conclusion.

  Retail therapy was required.

  She consulted with her smartphone while in the bathroom and soon found the perfect place to spend the day. The town of Kendal had a variety of shopping experiences on offer and would fit in with what she wanted to accomplish on her last day with Valerie, Sandra and Corinne.

  She tested out her foot by revolving it carefully and was happy with the result. She would be fit for what she intended to be a memorable experience and she was beginning to enjoy flat shoes for a change.

  Now to ask Aunt Valerie’s approval of her idea.

  Valerie was delighted to be relieved of the responsibility of planning this day’s events. It was bound to be tricky no matter what she would choose. Added to this dilemma was the rain that had decided to arrive from the cloudy sky, limiting, or cancelling, the options she had thought of. She rapidly agr
eed to drive the party to Kendal as she knew where the best parking places were in the busy town, rife with one-way streets and pedestrian-only areas.

  Together, the two women, conspired to make this day unforgettable, starting with Valerie’s quick trip down the lane to Tesco Express for fresh bread and buns, newspapers and some of the lean, tasty bacon that she was unable to get in Canada. British-style bacon rolls would perk up anyone’s appetite.

  When she returned with colour in her cheeks from this expedition, Sandra had heated the grill and made pots of tea and coffee while Corinne tidied up the apartment and set the table for breakfast.

  As soon as the last bun had been consumed and the last of the hot drinks gulped down, the quartet set out for the day’s adventures.

  The conversation in the car was lighthearted. No one was ready to re-visit the uncomfortable revelations of the previous evening and yet, each heart was lighter of the burdens they had carried alone. Now there would be no way to deny those burdens and, when the time felt right, there would be much more to say about acceptance and healing.

  The main road to Kendal wound down past Lake Windermere and the upper part of the town with the same name. It descended rapidly for some twenty minutes more until the last stretch off the highway dropped steeply into the valley where the market town of Kendal lay. Valerie pulled the car into a parking lot beside the bus station and led the group, via an elevator, to the entrance to the Lakeland Centre Shopping Mall.

  Sandra was looking for something for her grandchildren. Corinne wanted a special gift for Carla and Valerie stayed with Zoe as she sought advice about what to buy for her personal assistant, Suzanne.

  It was decided to reassemble at the High Street mall exit in an hour. Corinne and Valerie laughed to think of the reduced time limit they would have had to adhere to if their husbands were accompanying them.