Don't applaud. Either laugh or don't. (At the Comedy Cellar.)

by Andrew Hankinson

  Author: But it also feels like there’s … and I’m only going to be a couple of more minutes Colin, but, it also feels like there’s important historical sites in New York and particularly in Greenwich Village, and it feels like that table was quite an important historical site within the entertainment industry, within stand-up comedy. Stand-up comedy is a New York thing and this is one of the most important spots within the whole world for stand-up comedy.

  Colin: Oh, definitely.

  Author: So it felt quite surprising that they’d move it, and move it around, and quite sad I suppose as well.

  Colin: Well, like I said, it was all so … I mean, you know, the table itself, it wasn’t … You’re acting like it was some beautiful oak fucking master … It was just another shitty table that Manny goes, ‘Okay, Di Paolo’s pissed, there should be a place for them to sit, he’s right.’ I mean, it wasn’t fucking Lancelot and King Arthur, you know, chopping down a beautiful, masterful oak tree and bringing it out of Sherwood Forest to build a table. I don’t think they even did that. So it’s like, it’s more symbolic than the actual table.

  Author: That’s what I mean, it’s the symbolism of it.

  Colin: Yeah, it’s a state of mind, you know.

  Author: And do you think that can survive having been moved?

  Colin: I mean, yeah. Look, we’re comedians, we’re supposed to be, like, these flexible people. Everybody’s like, ‘What the hell’s going on?’ It’s ridiculous, you know, what are we, in a private golf club in 1880?

  Author: And I just wanted to run a couple of things that people had said past you. And I know that you’re friends with these people, so I feel alright saying it …

  Colin: I’ll say if I’m friends after I hear what they said.

  Author: Okay, yeah, sure, so Rachel Feinstein said she knew there would be a backlash. She was … This is all … It’s a light-hearted piece, so this isn’t them really criticising Noam or anything like that.

  Colin: No, I know.

  Author: So she said that she, you know, would sit around the table and bitch about it, amongst everyone. Hang on a second, I’m going to read this out, so she said they would just bitch about it basically, the table didn’t feel right, it felt weird and they didn’t care for it one bit, but she knew there was going to … She knew that they were going to hear about it, meaning Noam and Liz and Estee I guess, and she felt confident that the backlash would be strong.

  Colin: Right. Yeah.

  Author: Yeah. Seems reasonable.

  Colin: Well, I mean, that’s what she said?

  Author: Yeah, that’s what she said. That’s alright, isn’t it?

  Colin: It’s fine, I mean, you know, I guess there would be a backlash at anything. I mean, comedians, we like to backlash, that’s what we do.

  Author: Yeah.

  Colin: Our profession is to backlash, you know.

  Author: Yeah, and apparently Chris Rock, so he wasn’t happy with it and said this isn’t the table where Ray Romano sat, this isn’t the table where Robin Williams sat, this isn’t the table where Jon Stewart sat, and Noam said each one of those was like a punch in the gut.

  Colin: Yeah, and there’s one other problem with that. When those guys worked the Cellar there was no fucking table. The table started in 1998, how’s that grab everybody?

  Author: Did it?

  Colin: How about a little reality? How about we lose the mythology for a second? The table started in 1998. Ray Romano was already on his show, Robin Williams was fucking … and Jon Stewart was doing his show.

  Author: I’m going to have to rewrite my piece.

  Colin: Ha ha.

  Author: The, err, so Bill Burr … Bill Burr went on Kevin Brennan’s podcast, so this isn’t a quote that I got from Bill Burr, it’s something he said on Kevin Brennan’s podcast, and he said, ah shit, sorry man, oh, he said, ‘What did Noam do to the table down here? He literally fucked with the whole aura of this place.’ I wondered what you thought of that?

  Colin: That was what he said, yeah?

  Author: Yeah.

  Colin: Well I think people are being a little dramatic. I mean, I was in there when the other table was happening and I felt like it wasn’t the same, but you know, it’s better in the back now, it’s better that it’s back where it was, I mean in that back section, definitely, you know, but it wasn’t the biggest catastrophe of all time, Jesus, everybody’s making … It’s better where it was, but it didn’t fuck up the aura.

  Author: Right, okay. And then the last one was Robert Kelly and he just said … Robert gave me some other great quotes as well, which I’ve used in this piece, erm, and he said … more … more … more comics could sit there but it wasn’t the table. So to him, you know, it had fundamentally changed.

  Colin: Well, I mean, well, it’s fundamentally changed anyway. Here’s the thing, it’s not in the same spot it was in. Right now the new table is not where it was.

  Author: Yeah. What? Why? What? What? The one where it is now?

  Colin: Yeah, that’s not where the old table was.

  Author: Robert said that Noam had put it back exactly where it was.

  Colin: No, it’s not where it was. It’s close, but … It’s in the same far end of the room, but technically it’s not the exact spot, you know what I mean? And it’s, erm … I like it better, definitely, I like it better.

  Author: You like it better?

  Colin: Yeah.

  Author: Not than the original one?

  Colin: No, but, erm, actually, I do like it better than the original one, now that I think about it.

  Author: Oh, do you? Okay. You’re a great contrarian for this piece.

  Colin: Well, I like the, err, I like the location better than the original one, you know. Yeah, but I mean, I feel like, you know, Noam is trying to update … It’s like a comedian, ‘Hey, I liked your fucking … I liked your original act, what are you guys writing new shit for, it’s not as funny. That first hour, that was the best shit.’ You know what I mean?

  Author: Yeah, so you understand what Noam was doing?

  Colin: Yes, he was doing what everybody … Yeah, of course, I mean, he was doing what everybody does. Noam took a chance. Everybody’s like, ‘Whoa, whoa,’ but guess what? We do the same shit in our act, and sometimes it fails.

  Author: Yeah, oh that’s great.

  Colin: You know what I mean?

  Author: Yeah, that’s an awesome line.

  CHAPTER 160

  Before that, the author asks Rachel Feinstein about the table,

  Rachel: We get homesick. We text each other. We have these lifelines to each other, whether it be a picture of a dirty green-room or some crazy hotel. We send them back and forth with my best friends that are comedians, like Nikki Glaser and Schumer. So home, and that is our home, you just want it to feel like it’s supposed to.

  CHAPTER 159

  Before that, Noam pays $20,000 to have the table put back where it used to be,

  Noam: Truthfully, I am extremely sensitive to vibe and atmosphere. Extremely. Like, I walk into my place and I can tell you the dimmer is an eighth of an inch higher or lower than it normally is. I see a lightbulb that is out in a second. I knew. Nobody needed to tell me. I knew exactly what the problem was. I knew exactly how it felt. None of it was a surprise to me. The only thing I kind of waited to see was whether or not other people picked up on the change in the same way that I did, but it wasn’t as if I ever sat there and said, ‘Oh, this is great.’ I always felt what it is that was wrong from day one, and I tried to see if there was a way to make it work by changing the bar, to try and fix it without having to spend the huge money that we had to spend to move the wall again, but in the end nothing really worked. And even if Louis and Chris hadn’t said anything to me I would have known it wasn’t good.

  CHAPTER 158


  Before that, Noam replies to Louis,

  The original architect’s plans had no move of the table. When we started there was a slight relocation. It’s one of those things where no plan survives contact with the enemy. In any case, I won’t quit until the problem is solved and I won’t consider it solved until you’re happy with it. I don’t believe in luck. Hopefully we’ll have food back in about two weeks. Thanks for everything. Please never hold your tongue with me. I’m going to fix this. I understand exactly how important it is.

  CHAPTER 157

  Before that, the renovation is complete. There’s a new comedians’ table. It’s a few feet closer to the bar than it used to be. Noam receives an email,

  Hey Noam. Louis CK here. I wanted to share some feelings I have about the current state of the Comedy Cellar. It’s up to you to decide if it matters what I think because it is your club, but in either case here’s what I think. I completely understand your reasoning for hiring a chef and therefore needing a bigger kitchen. That makes sense and it meets your needs as an owner. And I can see that a smaller back bar area is an unavoidable consequence of the bigger kitchen. The problem is that you’ve completely killed the comics’ table. I cringe every time I sit back there. The table is butted up against the end of the bar. Last night there was a couple sitting in the two stools that loom over the comics’ table and I sat there with Sam. Both parties were miserable. We could hear every word they said and vice versa. That’s the problem when it’s quiet. When it’s crowded on weekends it’s untenable. Everyone is on top of us. There is no safe place. Add to that the new policy that seems to be that customers wait at the bar area to go to the show room. They gawk at us as we eat our food. The outcome of this is that I hesitate to go to the club anymore and I absolutely don’t go on weekends. I have plenty of weekend nights that I get restless and consider popping in but a huge, huge part of that past pleasure is gone. That we had that corner. As long as you survived the gauntlet of MacDougal Street, the crowd outside and the Olive Tree you were safe at the comics’ table. That is no longer the case. Besides the fact that when I haven’t had dinner I now choose between going to eat or dropping in for a set when I used to be able to combine both. That accounted for a huge amount of times I’ve done sets there. I know food is coming back but I am not eager to eat at that cramped little table two feet away from fifty fans or a couple trying to connect. Chris Rock has said these same things to me and he’s even more upset about it. As he told me he told you, ‘you’re lucky there’s nowhere else’. Whether you want to continue to rely on that luck is up to you. It seems to me that there are many solutions to this problem. If I were you I’d create a boundary, a new stronger boundary, and incorporate the end of the bar into the comics’ area. Some comics like to sit at the bar when there’s room. Maybe create a rope line at about the fourth stool from the back wall of the bar and give that tiny table more breathing room and just call all that whole space ‘comics only’ bar and table. You might lose a little money but I really doubt it would be significant. That’s up to you. Maybe you have a better solution or maybe you like it the way it is. Again, it’s your club, which you don’t need me to point out. I’m just giving you a data point which is that the current state of the club already has significantly lowered the amount of times I would have popped in since it changed and that my willingness to show up there continues to erode. How much that matters is your business. I love the Cellar. It’s been a big part of my life for decades. I’m grateful for the love and support I’ve gotten from you and your family over the years. That’s why I’m bothering to write.

  Take care, Louis.

  CHAPTER 156

  Before that, Bill Burr’s a guest on Kevin Brennan’s podcast, Misery Loves Company, which Kevin records in Noam’s podcast studio above the Olive Tree,

  Bill: What did Noam do to the table down here? He literally fucked with the whole aura of this place.

  Noam hears the podcast and texts Bill,

  Yo, we moved the table over four and a half feet in order to double the size of the kitchen, so the fucking comics can have steak and pasta instead of falafel every night. Lol. I’ll get the kinks out. Who likes to be criticized on material they’re still working on? Otherwise, great show.

  CHAPTER 155

  The author interviews Noam about Chris Rock,

  Noam: Why would he think we would get rid of the table? That didn’t make sense.

  Author: So it was a misunderstanding?

  Noam: Yeah, nobody had warned him. He walked in, the place was being renovated, and you know …

  Author: What do you do at that point? Do you get in touch with him? Or do you hope he comes back? Do you try to get a message to him?

  Noam: No, I didn’t. Actually, I probably should have. I just assumed that he’d find out right away that it wasn’t true. And I mean, he speaks to a lot of comedians. Keith still comes … Everybody’s been still coming down. Amy’s been coming down, Ray Romano’s been coming down, you know. I don’t see it as … Actually, I think Chris was down, sitting at kind of like the makeshift comedy table a few weeks ago. I think he was.

  Author: And I was wondering who made the biggest grumbling about it? I didn’t know if it was Sherrod or someone like that?

  Noam: By the way, who quoted it on the podcast, do you know?

  CHAPTER 154

  Before that, Mark Normand records his podcast, Tuesdays With Stories, with co-host Joe List. He says he bumped into Chris Rock outside the Cellar the other night,

  Mark: Chris Rock was bitching. That’s what we talked about. He’s like, ‘This place is over. They did it to the Strip, now here.’ I’m like, ‘Well, they are changing it back. It’s just temporary.’ But he’s like, ‘Once the comics stop hanging it’s done.’

  CHAPTER 153

  Work starts on Noam’s $300,000 renovation.

  CHAPTER 152

  The author phones Noam,

  Author: So I was kind of thinking about, you know, you’ve taken over this business from your dad, you’re expanding it, opening up new rooms. Your dad had created this ethos to the Comedy Cellar and the comedians appreciated that and seemed to have admired your dad in the way they talk about him now, it was obviously a big deal, so you’re kind of taking on a lot, and you haven’t restrained yourself and gone, ‘I don’t want to change anything because if I change anything people won’t like it,’ you know, ‘And then I’ll be ruining this thing that my dad built.’ You’ve been brave enough to open up these new rooms, kind of have a documentary made and things, and the kitchen, you’re changing the kitchen, so I kind of wanted to think about that a little bit, and how much your dad is on your mind when you do these things. The kitchen is the easiest one to start with. It seems daft to talk about a kitchen but it’s just a way of illustrating something, so don’t think that I’m madly obsessed with this kitchen or anything, but can you tell me why you’re expanding the kitchen?

  Noam: Yeah, well, the Olive Tree has always been a struggling business. When my father was alive, before the Comedy Cellar was as successful as it is now, and I had my music club the Cafe Wha, he was struggling to make money in the Olive Tree. The Olive Tree was always a low-cost place that had a limited menu and struggled with a small kitchen. And it took many, many, many hours of his time and emotion to keep the Olive Tree as a viable business, both watching expenses and quality control, and all these things. That is very, very difficult and I didn’t want to get sucked into that, especially, especially, especially when I had my kids, because the Comedy Cellar is a business which doesn’t run itself but allows me freedom. I can go away. I don’t have to go to work every day if I don’t want to. Much of it I can do back home. But the Olive Tree and any restaurant really requires … Essentially there’s something to be done every hour that you’re awake and every hour that you’re not at the restaurant is a compromise for every restaurant owner. So I didn’t want to do
that, and the only way out of that I could think of was to hire a chef, like a real kind of chef. In a famous restaurant the chef is kind of the guy who’s responsible for everything to the owner, he’s the guy who has to spend all the time, so we didn’t have a kitchen which was big enough. I know it’s a long answer.

  Author: No, no, no, I’m after a long answer.

  Noam: So I decided to expand the kitchen to make it big enough such that we can hire a real chef who can then take over the Olive Tree kitchen and essentially run that aspect for me. And will also allow us to have a … I don’t want to stop having reasonably priced items, but it’ll also allow me to have things like steak or fish or some nicer items, and after all, the Olive Tree has a very important clientele as it is now. I mean, you know, famous people eating there all the time and they’re eating falafel and hummus, so it would be nice to have some mainstream items on the menu. So then I … But the truth is that my father and I thought almost one-hundred per cent alike on most things. And I know he would be thrilled with the idea of what I’m doing. This is nothing that he would even … When he was alive we wouldn’t have had the money to do it, or it would have been a big strain to do it, so he wouldn’t have done it as easily as I did it, but right now that the comedy’s doing well and I’m able to pay for it almost completely out of the money coming in, although I’m taking a loan for about thirty per cent of it, but that doesn’t put a strain on my lifestyle as it would have ten years ago. So that might have stopped him from doing it, because we always lived hand-to-mouth for almost our entire existence.

  CHAPTER 151

  Lena Dunham sits at the table with Estee Adoram, who books and schedules comedians at the Cellar. Judd Apatow introduced them to each other recently. Judd’s started doing spots at the Cellar. Lena’s interviewing Estee tonight for her newsletter, Lenny Letter. Lena asks if any jokes upset Estee,