by Jae
“Um, hi,” Grace said.
“Hi.”
When Grace shifted her weight, Lauren realized they were still facing each other across the doorway. “Oh. Please, come on in.”
Grace entered and looked around as if she’d never seen Lauren’s apartment before. Or maybe she was just trying to avoid looking at Lauren.
“Why don’t we…?” Lauren pointed at the couch.
They sat at opposite ends of the sofa, the still-open laptop between them.
Lauren peered over at her, wishing Grace would say something, but at the same time afraid of what it would be. “Do you…do you want something to drink? Coffee or water or…I’m not sure what else I have, but I can take a look.” She leaned forward to get up.
Grace reached over and clasped her sleeve, holding her in place, and then quickly pulled her hand back. “No. I…I just want to get this over with.”
Lauren’s entire body went cold. That didn’t sound promising. “O-okay.” She sank back against the couch cushions. Half turning, she stared at Grace and waited for what she would say. Breathe, you idiot, or the only thing she’ll say is that your lips are turning blue.
After endless seconds of just staring straight ahead, tugging at the frayed gauze on the edge of her cast, Grace finally looked at her. Her blue eyes had darkened to the color of the ocean during a storm. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know if I can talk about this. Not in a way that makes sense.”
Lauren gripped the armrest. She didn’t want Grace to leave, damning her to stay in that perpetual loop of hope and fear. “Please. Try.”
Grace nodded. She pulled Betty from the back of the couch and buried her face against the lynx’s soft fur.
It hurt to see her struggle like this. Lauren nudged the laptop toward Grace. “Do you think this would help?”
Grace lifted her head and glanced at the screen, where Lauren’s script was still open. Her brow furrowed, and she sent Lauren a questioning gaze. “Your script? How’s that supposed to help?”
“Not the script. Writing. If you can’t talk about it, maybe writing will be easier. It always helps me think more clearly.” Lauren took the laptop, opened a new document, and typed a couple of lines before handing it back.
LAUREN
See? This is what I mean. Talk to me. Please.
A slow smile chased away some of the tension on Grace’s face. “You’re such a geek.”
The warm affection in her voice gave Lauren hope. “Is that a good thing?”
“I think so.” Grace pulled the laptop closer and let her fingers hover over the keyboard. They were trembling.
Lauren wanted to place her hand over Grace’s fingers and give them an encouraging squeeze, but she forced herself to sit still and wait.
Slowly, using only her good hand, Grace started typing. She hesitated often as if fighting with every word. Finally, she paused and turned the laptop a little.
Lauren slid closer so she could read what Grace had written. Since she was wearing shorts, she could feel the warmth of Grace’s leg against hers. Focus. She drew a deep breath and then looked at the screen.
GRACE
I really need to apologize for ambushing you like that. I didn’t… I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted you to stop talking.
Lauren pulled the laptop over so she could type her reply.
LAUREN
Yeah, that certainly shut me up. But was that really all there was to it?
She handed the laptop back to Grace, who sat staring at the screen and gnawing on her lip for several seconds before slowly starting to type.
Lauren waited with bated breath until she could finally read Grace’s answer.
GRACE
At that moment, I didn’t think so. But now…I just don’t know. God, I can’t believe I just kissed you.
Too impatient to keep passing the laptop back and forth, Lauren cleared her throat and asked, “Do you regret it?”
GRACE
Yes. No. I don’t know up from down right now, Lauren. I’ve never been attracted to another woman before.
Never before… Lauren latched on to those words with the desperate hope of a drowning woman grasping a lifeline. “And now?” she asked. “Are you…do you think you could be attracted to me?”
With fingers that were visibly trembling, Grace typed three words.
GRACE
(whispering)
Yes.
She closed the laptop with a soft click and looked up at Lauren. “I don’t know what this is or where it’ll go. I don’t know if it can go anywhere. I mean, the two of us just spent the last three months denying to the press and the world that I’m gay, and now…”
Lauren reached out and gently laid one finger against Grace’s mouth, interrupting her. As her fingertip touched the soft lips, she had to stop herself from stroking them. “Let’s not think that far ahead. For now, this is between you and me. No press. No world. Can you do that?”
Grace’s shuddery exhale brushed her finger, and she pulled it back so Grace could answer. “I think so.” She closed her eyes for a moment as if letting what she’d just said sink in. When she opened them again, her expression was so vulnerable that Lauren wanted to hug her close. “Right now, I’m not sure of much, not even of my own feelings. But I know one thing for sure: I don’t want to end up hurting you or our friendship.”
“Me neither.”
Their hands found each other, and both squeezed softly.
If Lauren forced herself to be realistic for a second, she knew the chances that they would ever be more than friends were slim. Even if Grace was attracted to her, she might run, scared of her own feelings and their consequences; her boss might fire her; Grace’s career might suffer. There were a thousand reasons why she shouldn’t even think about pursuing anything more than friendship with Grace. It was crazy, really, but for now, she didn’t want to think about any of that. All she wanted was to focus on the way it felt to hold Grace’s hand and let herself imagine that this little bit of intimacy was just the beginning. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want. If this,” she pointed back and forth between them with her free hand, “isn’t right for you, then I’ll deal with it and be your friend. But I’d really like to see where things are going, if you’re willing to do that.”
Grace looked at her for a while. Lauren had no idea what answers she was seeking and if she found them. Eventually, Grace whispered, “Okay.”
Joy flowed through Lauren. She felt like jumping up and doing a jig through her apartment, but she knew it was much too soon for any sort of celebration. Grace still looked tense. Time to lighten the mood. “Good. Now that we’ve got that settled…” Lauren gave her an exaggerated leer and a wink. “Want to make out?”
The tension in the room broke when Grace burst out laughing. She let go of Lauren’s hand, grabbed Betty the lynx, and hit Lauren with the stuffed animal. “You!”
“What!” Lauren warded off the playful attack with both hands. “It’s what the characters in love stories always do after heartfelt discussions like the one we just had, isn’t it?”
“I thought you don’t write love stories?”
Lauren’s lips curved up into a soft smile. “I’m thinking about changing that.”
“Yeah?”
Lauren nodded. Inadvertently, her gaze was drawn down, to Grace’s mouth. God, she wanted so much to lean over and kiss her, but she knew she had to let Grace take that step. She forced her gaze away from those tempting lips.
Grace placed the laptop on the coffee table and got up. “I think I should go. It’s getting dark and I’m pretty tired. You look like you could use some sleep too.”
Truth be told, Lauren was exhausted, but she still didn’t want
Grace to go. She also didn’t like the thought of her making the drive up the canyon alone. “I know you love staying at the cottage, but I really don’t like the thought of you driving up the dirt road at night.”
“I told you I’ve done it a thousand times before.”
“Yeah, but you look like you haven’t slept in days.” Images of Grace falling asleep at the wheel and crashing darted through her mind.
Grace rubbed her eyes. “I haven’t.”
“Me neither.”
With a wry grin, Grace shook her head. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?”
“I think we could be,” Lauren said quietly.
Their gazes met. Something sparked between them; then Grace looked away. “I could stay with Jill tonight, if that would make you feel better.”
“Or you could sleep here, with me,” Lauren said.
“Uh…” Grace stared at her.
Lauren laughed. “Get your mind out of the gutter, superstar. I’m talking about a perfectly innocent sleepover, nothing else. We wouldn’t even sleep in the same room.”
Grace blushed a lovely shade of fuchsia, making Lauren smile.
“So,” Lauren said, deciding to go easy on Grace and not tease her any further, “what do you think? Would you like to stay?”
Wordlessly, Grace nodded.
“Come on, then. Let’s get you settled in the bedroom. I’m sleeping on the couch.”
Grace stared into the darkness. The bedroom surrounding her was as unfamiliar as the feelings coursing through her. God, what am I doing? A part of her wanted to rush out into the living room, shake Lauren awake, and tell her that this was crazy and they could never be anything but friends.
But was that really what she wanted—or was that just her fear talking? If there were no cameras, no pressure from her fans, the media, and the studio, no mother with high expectations of her only offspring, what would she, Grace, want for herself?
She realized that she had never before allowed herself to think about it. When she’d found out about Jill’s diagnosis, she had thought about her regrets and the things she didn’t want in her life—being married to a man she was fond of but didn’t love with all her heart—but she had never wondered what it was she wanted instead.
For close to thirty years, a successful career as an actress had been all she’d wanted. At least she had thought so. Okay, so maybe you want more from life, but…a woman? Really?
She buried her face in the pillow, as if that would help drown out her racing thoughts. All it did was make her inhale a whiff of Lauren’s scent, which clung to the pillowcase. It was soothing and exciting at the same time.
Grunting, she turned onto her back. She was exhausted but still couldn’t sleep. Her brain bombarded her with all kinds of thoughts and questions. What would her mother say when she found out where she’d spent the night? What would happen to her career if she did get involved with Lauren? What would it feel like to kiss her again?
Whoa. Sleep. You need sleep.
The bedroom door creaked open, and Lauren tiptoed inside.
Grace sat up in bed. “Lauren? What are you doing up?”
“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t want to wake you. I just need the bathroom.” Her bare feet padded closer. The light on the bedside table flared on, and they both blinked into the sudden brightness. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I just couldn’t sleep.”
“Me neither.” Lauren shuffled her feet and coughed once. Without her glasses, in just a T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts, she looked young and vulnerable.
Adorable. Grace couldn’t help smiling.
“Well, it’s still pretty early.” Lauren pointed toward the living room. “Want to watch a movie with me?”
Grace nodded.
“Great.” Lauren smiled like a little girl who’d been promised a visit to the fair. “Why don’t you look through my DVDs to see if there’s anything you’d like to watch while I use the bathroom?”
Grace climbed out of bed and tugged on the T-shirt Lauren had given her, very aware of the fact that it ended mid-thigh. When Lauren entered the bathroom, she went outside to the living area and looked through her DVD collection.
Most of the DVDs Lauren owned were thrillers, mysteries, and science fiction movies. She didn’t even seem to have any lesbian romance flicks. Grace shook her head at herself. It was probably better that way. She didn’t need any more images in her head, or she’d never go to sleep tonight.
“Found anything interesting?” Lauren asked behind her.
Grace jumped. Relax. It’s just Lauren. But she knew she was lying to herself. It being Lauren was what made her so nervous. “Uh, not yet.” She pulled out a familiar-looking DVD, then another and stared down at her own face. “I thought you’re not that fond of romances?”
“I’m not.” Lauren flushed as she added, “I’m just fond of the lead actress.”
“Oh.”
Before the silence between them could go on for too long, Lauren said, “Although your hair in that one movie nearly turned it into a horror film.” She tapped one of the DVD boxes.
Grace groaned. “Oh God, yes. I kept wondering what drugs the hair stylist was taking, but whatever it was, everyone else on set seemed to be on the same stuff, because they kept telling me how great I looked.”
“Want to watch that one?” Lauren asked.
“No, thanks. I can’t relax when I watch my own movies. I keep critiquing myself, finding ways I could have made the scene better.”
Lauren nodded. “I know what you mean. I can’t read one of my own scripts without doing that either.”
See? This isn’t so bad. Despite the turbulent emotions coursing through her, they were still friends who could relate to each other in ways that Grace had rarely experienced before. “Why don’t you pick the movie? I haven’t seen most of these, so I’d be fine with whatever you want.”
Lauren stepped next to her to look at the shelf. Their shoulders brushed, making Grace’s breath catch. “How about Gravity?”
Grace raised one brow. “Sandra Bullock as an astronaut?”
“She was really good in that role. I’d love to see you doing what she did some day.”
“Fight for my life in outer space?”
“Go from starring mostly in romantic movies and comedies to taking on more challenging roles.”
“You want me to stop playing it safe,” Grace said.
Lauren gently pulled her around to face her. “If you’re happy with the kind of movies you’ve been making, then you should stick with them and I’ll fully support you. But I think you have a lot more in you. You shouldn’t be so afraid to try something new.”
Were they still just talking about her career?
Lauren plucked the DVD from the shelf and held it up for Grace to see. “So?”
“Gravity it is.”
They settled on the couch, their feet up on the coffee table and Lauren’s blanket covering both of their laps. After a while, Grace’s feet got cold, so she curled them under her.
Lauren did the same.
Their bare knees brushed. If Lauren noticed, she didn’t seem to mind. Grace found that she didn’t mind either. Quite the opposite. She enjoyed the touch, innocent and strangely intimate at the same time. Neither of them moved her leg away.
Lauren seemed to fully immerse herself in the movie despite her occasional coughing. She flinched when space debris almost hit the astronauts and raised her hands as if to protect her own face from the impact.
Grace watched her as much as she watched the movie, smiling at how involved she got. Lauren had been right, though. Sandra Bullock was good in this movie. And she looked fantastic for a woman approaching fifty. Grace tested herself by studying her fellow actress when she was stripping
off her spacesuit a little later in the movie, wearing just a tight tank top and boy-cut panties.
Nothing. The sight left her as unaffected as George Clooney, who played the commander of the space mission.
The warmth of Lauren’s knee against her own, however, made her heart beat a little faster.
An hour into the movie, she realized that Lauren had gone quiet, no longer commenting on the scenes or rooting for the characters. She had even stopped coughing.
Grace turned her head to look at her.
Lauren’s head had fallen back against the couch. Her eyes were closed and her mouth slightly open. Her chest rose and fell in the peaceful rhythm of sleep.
The movie forgotten, Grace sat watching her sleep. She took in her features—the strong jaw, the stubborn chin, the thick lashes that fluttered behind the glasses Lauren had put on to watch the movie. Grace’s fingers itched to trace the curve of Lauren’s cheekbones.
Lauren murmured something and smacked her lips in her sleep.
A smile tugged on the corners of Grace’s mouth. Too cute.
Lauren’s head slid lower, resting in an uncomfortable angle against the back of the couch.
Grace reached for the remote control and turned off the movie and the TV. The room went dark, the only light now coming from a streetlamp somewhere outside. She slid from the couch and bent over Lauren, gently trying to pull her around and down into a lying position. But Lauren was unexpectedly heavy. “Come on, Lauren. You can’t sleep this way. You need to lie down.”
“Hmm?”
“Lie down,” Grace repeated.
Lauren peered up at her through barely open eyes and mumbled something that sounded like, “You too.”