His Christmas Redemption

by Danica Favorite

  But they couldn’t go back. Though she’d tried moving forward, it was clear that the ever-widening gulf between them would keep them from moving forward together.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, getting up. “I shouldn’t have pressed the issue. You’re here to help me, and you didn’t ask for all this emotional stuff. I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

  For a minute she thought Lance looked like he wanted to say something. But the moment passed, so Erin went to her room. Maybe someday she’d find a way to get over Lance.

  * * *

  Why had he just let her walk away?

  He’d also been thinking about how much he was enjoying his time with her and wondering if there was a chance they could try again. He’d been so stupid in his answers to her. When she’d asked him to participate in the discussion, he hadn’t been able to say a word.

  What was he supposed to say? That, yes, he did want to give things another try, but what if he couldn’t be the man she wanted?

  True, she had been encouraging when it came to his admission about being Loser Lance. He hadn’t known why he’d told her that, because he’d never told her things like that. Even though he’d been met with acceptance, would those feelings remain once they had a disagreement?

  And then there was Lily.

  It wasn’t just that he blamed Erin for Lily’s death, because that was starting to get a little more complicated. Part of him said that she was responsible because it was what he had been telling himself all this time. But he also saw how caring and compassionate she was with the boys. How well she watched them. And how, even when she was supposed to be resting or doing other things, she always seemed to have one eye or one ear on them. Maybe it was because she’d learned from their experience with Lily. Or maybe he needed to rethink what it meant to be at fault.

  That was the other thing troubling him. The longer he was there with Erin and the boys, the less he thought about his grief. What kind of father was he, so easily forgetting his daughter? It was clear Erin wasn’t doing much to keep Lily’s memory alive.

  He thought her a bad person for that. But was he any better, considering Lily no longer constantly occupied his thoughts the way she used to?

  They hadn’t turned off the Christmas carols and he could hear “O Holy Night” come on in the other room. It had been Erin’s favorite song and he wondered if she could hear in her bedroom.

  He went to her room, knocked softly on the door and it opened on its own. Erin was sitting on the bed, her back to him. She was hunched over, clutching something to her chest.

  Was she having a heart attack?

  He pushed open the door and ran in. “Erin? Are you okay?”

  As he raced in, she turned and he saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. She had what looked like a picture frame in her arms. She hadn’t been having a heart attack, but she looked like she had been crying as if her heart was breaking. Had it meant that much to her to try to work things out?

  “I’m sorry for disturbing you,” he said. “I knocked and when you didn’t answer, I was worried, so I thought I would check on you. ‘O Holy Night’ is on, and I know how you love that song.”

  Tears continued rolling down her cheeks but she didn’t say a word. The picture fell from her hands and landed on the bed, giving him a glimpse of the image that had her so upset.

  It was the last picture they had taken together as a family—the day before Lily died. As he stared at it, he remembered.

  He’d told Erin that he was canceling their plans to go away for the weekend because they were pitching a new supplier. She’d begged him to reconsider because she’d said she had a surprise for him. He’d been grouchy with her and told her he didn’t want her stupid surprise. They’d been arguing a lot, and Erin had been asking him to do more with Lily so she could rest, and that had irritated him because she was a stay-at-home mom. Why did she need all this rest, when he was the one out working and providing for them?

  At first he couldn’t remember why they’d even taken the picture, but then he caught sight of the little snowman in Lily’s arms and remembered. Erin had wanted them to do a family picture for their Christmas cards. Even though Christmas had been months away, she’d wanted to do one early for some crazy idea she had. Lance had been too irritated with her to find out. Funny how the little things like that came back to him.

  She wanted to give their relationship another try, but that was based on now, when they were getting along, not like times in the past when they’d both been irritated with each other. In the picture, even Lily hadn’t been in the best of moods. She’d been cranky and fussy all day. Looking back, he’d been short with Erin over it.

  She picked up the picture and held it out to him. “Would you like a better look?”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t realize you kept any of your pictures. There aren’t any on the walls.”

  She pointed to an open trunk on the other side of the room. “I keep all of her things in there. You’re welcome to look through them if you like.”

  He hadn’t thought about where Erin kept Lily’s things. Her house now seemed so devoid of any memory of her.

  Not that his house was much different. It wasn’t like he’d turned it into a shrine to Lily. He’d been so tormented with his memories of her that he hadn’t needed to.

  “Maybe some other time,” he said.

  She grabbed a tissue from the nightstand, wiped her eyes and then blew her nose. “Sure. If you want copies of any of the pictures, I’m sure we can work something out.”

  She’d gotten all of Lily’s things in the divorce. At the time he hadn’t wanted the reminders. But now he did admit to being a little curious. What had she saved?

  She gave him a weary look. “I should probably check on the boys and get them into their own beds.”

  She pushed herself off the bed like it was a great effort. “Don’t,” he said. “I’ll take care of it. I’ll make sure they get to bed and are safely tucked in. You’ve obviously pushed yourself too hard and need your rest.”

  It was an easy enough excuse. But as he looked at the lines in her forehead, he knew her fatigue wasn’t from exertion but from showing her heart to him and him doing nothing.

  He’d done to her exactly what he’d feared she’d do to him.

  Their earlier discussion and now seeing her break down would make this the perfect time for Lance to say all the things he’d been afraid to say to her earlier. Instead, he walked out with the excuse of needing to take care of the boys. It wasn’t like he’d never seen her cry before. But it always made him uncomfortable. Seeing the depth of her pain made it more real to him. More important, it made him realize that what she had been saying a while back about them comforting each other was true.

  But how did you get back to that place? Or even find it, when you hadn’t had it to begin with? He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure there was a way, not after they’d spent so much time hurting one another.

  He shook Dylan awake and the sleepy-eyed boy immediately went to his room. Then Lance picked up Ryan, who cuddled against him in such a loving, trusting way that Lance couldn’t understand why he couldn’t have this for himself.

  He didn’t think men were supposed to have such deep longings for a child. He knew if he ever expressed anything like this to his father, his father would probably laugh and make fun of him. But as he tucked in the little boy, Lance remembered Erin’s words about winners and losers. Could he be basing his identity on something that was meaningless?

  His father was a respected businessman. Yet the more Lance thought about it, the more he realized that while people respected his father as a businessman, he didn’t actually have friends. He’d never seen his father in the same kind of warm community environment that always seemed to surround Erin and her sisters. Even though Lance had been late picking her up from church, it hadn’t bothe
red her, because she been too busy talking with all her friends.

  He also thought about what Erin had said about God not thinking him a loser. How did she know what God thought?

  He’d tried faith out for a while, going to church with Erin from time to time, but he hadn’t been sure he believed all that stuff, and work provided an easy excuse to get out of going. Now he wished he’d paid a little more attention.

  He spied Ryan’s Lily bear on the floor. Funny, it didn’t hurt anymore, seeing that silly bear. He picked it up and held it in his hands. It was much more worn than it had been with Lily, but he could tell how much the little boy loved it. He’d been unfair in resenting the fact that Lily bear had been given to the little boy who’d just needed some comfort. Clearly, Lily bear had given him just that. In a way, it gave Lance comfort, as well. He tucked the bear in with Ryan and gave Ryan a kiss on top of his head.

  He loved the little boy.

  Even though he’d been thinking a lot about it, he’d been avoiding the conversation with Erin about what would happen when her sisters returned and he left. He’d like to see the boys again and have a relationship with them. He’d been afraid to ask because he didn’t want to face rejection. Just like he hadn’t wanted Erin to reject him again in starting a new relationship. But maybe, over the next few days, he’d find the courage to let Erin know that he would appreciate the opportunity to stay in touch with the boys. Surely that was less threatening than just coming out and telling her how much it meant to him.

  It was so crazy, how worried he was about rejection. He’d been running a major company and faced rejection every day as he and Chad had grown their business. But for whatever reason, facing this personal rejection was just too much to ask.

  Chapter Seven

  The fresh snowfall overnight meant that there would be plenty for the sleigh ride at Ricky’s. The beauty of the glistening snow made Erin smile. As Lance drove to the neighboring ranch, he was silent, but the boys were full of excitement, chattering about all the fun things they were going to do at Mr. Ricky’s. At least they were oblivious to the tension between Erin and Lance. This was why Erin shouldn’t have said anything to him. Why had she gotten caught in that moment of fancy and thinking about how good things used to be between her and Lance? And to have let him see her fall apart like that? He was just supposed to be helping her, and yet, things were getting more complicated than she would have liked.

  When they got to Ricky’s, the number of cars collected in his driveway indicated a large crowd had already arrived. A lot of businesses in town closed a little early for the day so people could come. Ricky had started the tradition as a way to thank his ranch hands, but every year, the gathering grew. He’d probably invited half the town, or at least the entire church. He kept telling Erin that he wanted to slow down, do less. Erin now wondered if Ricky actually understood the meaning of the word.

  Ricky greeted them warmly when they got into the house. Erin turned and gestured to Lance. “Ricky, I’d like you to meet someone. This is Lance, my ex-husband.”

  Ricky looked Lance up and down and said, “What kind of fool are you, giving up a good woman like Erin? If I’d found myself a woman like her, you’d better believe I’d never let her go.”

  She should have known that Ricky would have said something inappropriate. But when she looked at Lance to see his reaction, it didn’t appear to have bothered him. A good sign, because she hadn’t brought Lance here to be made to feel bad about their divorce. At least now Lance had met Ricky and understood he wasn’t a threat.

  Not that Lance had any reason to feel threatened. She’d made it clear that she was interested in rekindling the relationship, but he pushed her away. So even though Lance occasionally acted like he was jealous, he also didn’t have the right to be.

  Erin had spent too many years fighting to make the marriage work when she seemed to be the only person in that marriage who’d made it a priority. If she’d learned anything from watching her sisters in their new relationships, it was that there were men willing to treat a marriage as give-and-take, and they were equally invested in making the relationship work.

  Lance hadn’t given her any indication of what he wanted. Maybe he didn’t know. And then there was the business situation. What was she supposed to make of that? It had meant a lot to her, having him around. But now she couldn’t help wondering if his kindness toward her was genuine or just part of a ploy to score points with his counselor to get back in Chad’s good graces.

  Ricky led them into the great room, where many of Erin’s friends and neighbors had gathered. It was going to be weird, explaining Lance to all of them, but the women in her Bible study group yesterday at church had been understanding when she’d done so there.

  The boys ran off to play with the other children. Wanda, Ricky’s housekeeper, had set up a station for the children to decorate their own gingerbread cookies.

  As Erin went to join her friends, she noticed Lance hung back.

  “Join us,” she said. “My friends are great people, and you’ll enjoy getting to know them.”

  “Maybe I should just pick you up later,” he said. “It doesn’t look like you need my help here.”

  He looked like the scared little boy from last night, confessing his insecurities but not brave enough to face them.

  “You can leave if you want,” she said. “But then you’ll miss out on all the fun. I’d like you to stay. But that’s up to you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. At least let me introduce you.”

  Oddly enough, she realized she did want him to stay. She hadn’t been lying when she’d said she thought he’d enjoy the activities. Maybe it was wrong of her to want to spend more time with Lance, having fun, especially since she knew this couldn’t last. But maybe, even though he wouldn’t be with her, Lance would learn to live again.

  “Travis Marshall, my friend Angela’s husband, is into rock climbing. You two could trade stories,” she said. She emphasized the part about Travis being her friend’s husband. Hopefully by pointing out people Lance would enjoy spending time with, it would make him feel more comfortable and more willing to join in.

  Lance gave a shrug as he joined her.

  When they got to her group of friends, everyone greeted her warmly.

  “This is Lance, my ex-husband. I was telling you about him in Bible study. He’s been a great help to me and the boys. I’m trying to convince him to stay and join us.”

  As Erin had predicted, they all started talking at once about how Lance was welcome and how he should stay. Instead of making him more comfortable, he only looked nervous.

  Finally, Janie Roberts, one of the ladies who was becoming a good friend of the family, silenced the group and turned to Lance. “I’m sure you must feel awkward, being Erin’s ex-husband. If it makes you feel any better, she’s never said anything bad about you. If you’re here for her, helping her, you’ve got to be a pretty great guy.”

  Even though Janie’s words were meant to be encouraging, it stung a little for Erin to hear them. Especially since she’d just told Lance that she’d thought about giving them another try. But at least Lance would understand that he wasn’t walking into a group of people who hated him.

  If only she could read his expression to tell how he was taking it.

  Lance nodded but he didn’t seem any less uncomfortable. He shoved his hands in his pockets and stood at the edge of the group, looking like he still wanted to bolt at any time.

  Ryan came running up to him, frosting smeared all over his face, carrying a cookie. “Uncle Lance. Look what I made you.”

  He held the cookie out to Lance and Lance knelt to the boy’s height. “Thank you,” Lance said. “He looks too good to eat.”

  Dylan joined them. “But you should. They’re delicious. Besides, cookies are meant to be eaten.”

  With that, Dylan bit off his cookie’s head
and grinned.

  Erin couldn’t help laughing. If anyone could bring Lance out of his shell, it was the boys. Once again, it made her sad to think that he had no dreams or plans for the future of becoming a father again. He’d been a great one, except for when he’d been so busy with work.

  How could she get Lance to understand how important it was to balance work and family? When he was with the family, focusing on them, he was amazing. But when work intruded, he was a different person.

  “Try it,” Ryan said.

  Lance took a bite of the cookie and smiled at the boys. “You’re right. It’s delicious. Thank you for sharing your cookie with me.” Lance stood then looked over at the tables where refreshments had been laid out.

  “It looks like they have some hot cocoa and cider over there. You want to go with me and get something to drink?” He turned to Erin. “Can I get you anything?”

  “That would be great, thanks. Wanda makes the best cider.”

  She watched as he took the boys’ hands and went over to the refreshment table. When Erin or her sisters tried to take the boys’ hands, they would inform her that they were too old for such little-boy things. But for whatever reason, maybe it was because they were so attached to Lance, they always eagerly grabbed his hands without him asking. Erin wondered if he knew how much that meant.

  Maybe, instead of making the conversation about their relationship, Erin needed to focus more on what was best for the boys. They clearly needed a relationship with their uncle. While Erin was already planning to talk to Leah about facilitating that, she knew it would be easier for everyone if she wasn’t making Lance uncomfortable by forcing him to deal with emotions he found difficult.

  Janie came up beside her. “You didn’t mention how good-looking he was. Or how sweet. Remind me again why you got divorced.”

  Definitely not the conversation she wanted to have right now, especially since she was trying hard to do the right thing in this situation.