Erin pulled up a chair and took Mary’s hand. “I’m sorry your children aren’t here for you. But that’s why we are. You don’t deserve to be alone, and we know how much more precious time and friendship is than things.”
She held up the sample reindeer that one of the other ladies had made because, with her broken arm, she couldn’t make one herself. “This isn’t what you would call a fancy decoration. I can’t even make one. But I can sit with all the ladies making their own and talk to them. Get to know them. The thing is just the excuse for getting together.”
Mary nodded slowly. “I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that. But I don’t like making that kind of craft.”
“What do you like?” Erin asked.
“Mary was just telling me about the blanket she’s been knitting. I had just asked her if she could get it to show me when you walked up,” Lance said.
“I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit,” Erin said. “I’d love to see it, as well.”
Mary stood, looking a little brighter than Erin had ever seen her look. “If you’re serious, you come back and I’ll teach you.”
It sounded like a challenge, like Mary didn’t think she’d really come back. But she would. Just for Mary.
As Mary walked to her room, Lance turned to Erin. “I didn’t realize that about you and decorations. I guess, in the back of my head, I was always judging you, thinking you were like my mother, trying to keep up with the Joneses. But looking back, it was never a comparison for you. You were so happy, showing off whatever crafty thing you’d come up with. I never saw my mother smile and light up the way you do when it came to her Christmas decorations. Mostly she was crabby and snippy, upset because things weren’t as perfect as they’d been in her mind. And the fact that your binder said ‘Our Perfect Christmas,’ I guess I figured that’s what it was about.”
The expression on his face told her that he’d legitimately been thinking about these things, trying to understand. Something he hadn’t done when they were married. He’d just argue with her and tell her that all of her Christmas stuff was a waste.
Could she have been too hasty in writing him off?
He leaned forward and took her hands. “But the more I think about it, the more I realize that all of the things in your binder are about things the family can do together. That’s your priority. And I stupidly missed it.”
She squeezed his hands and smiled at him. “If I had understood that was why you didn’t like Christmas, I would’ve explained to you a long time ago. I just thought you were a big old Grinch, trying to ruin everyone’s fun because you didn’t see practical reason behind it. Yesterday, you asked me why I could still be so happy at Christmas after everything. For me, Christmas is a reminder of how very precious my family is, and I choose to make the most of the family I have rather than mourn the family I don’t.”
Lance grabbed her and hugged her tightly against him. For a moment she could barely breathe, but as he loosened his grip and she hugged him back, she could hear him snuffling back tears.
She held him for a moment then released him. “I’m glad we’re having this conversation now. I hope it’s bringing as much healing to you as it is to me.”
Lance nodded as he gestured at the hallway Mary had gone down. “That’s the other reason I hate Christmas. And why I wanted to come with you today. Mary could have been my grandmother. She lived in a nursing home across town, and I remember how my mother would make a big deal of going to the mall and buying her some fancy gift. And every Christmas, we’d put her on speakerphone and she’d thank us for the gift, but I could tell she didn’t really like it. Then she’d ask when we were coming to visit and my parents would always make some dumb excuse, but we hardly ever did. All my grandmother wanted for Christmas was for us to spend time with her, but I was just a kid, so I couldn’t, and my parents always had better things to do. You’re giving to women like Mary the very thing they want from their families but can’t have.”
Even though Erin had been promising herself to keep her distance, she leaned forward and gave Lance another hug. “I told you, family is what you make it. I’m sorry about your grandmother. But there are a couple dozen grandmothers and grandfathers in this room we’ve adopted. So be that grandson to Mary. We’ve been coming here for months, and you’re the first person she’s ever spent time talking to.”
Lance shrugged. “I purposely looked for someone sitting alone. Toward the end, Grandma was difficult, and even the nurses were starting to write her off. I’m not saying Grandma was perfect. But I just wonder how much of her attitude would have been better if someone had just taken the time to care about her.”
Why did he have to make this so hard? Now that she’d found a place of strength in choosing to be over Lance, he’d had to show her this beautiful piece of himself and the source of his pain in a way that gave her a deeper understanding of him. He was a good man, and the flaws she saw in him were more about the pain he’d suffered and his avoidance of facing it again.
But it wasn’t her job to fix him. That was one of the things their counselor had emphasized to her over and over as Erin had kept trying to find ways to make their marriage work. In the past, she’d have seen this level of opening up to her as the kind of progress that meant they really could work things out. But now she knew it wasn’t enough. Not unless he could be open with her about the grief over losing their children.
* * *
It was amazing, receiving this tenderness from Erin. He’d always loved her hugs. When Mary returned, carrying her knitting bag, there was a difference in the way she walked. The pride on her face was evident as she told them about her project. He’d admit he was glad Erin had been there, because he didn’t know the first thing about knitting. However, when Mary pulled the blanket out of her bag, Lance was impressed. He didn’t need to be an expert to appreciate the hard work that had gone into the delicately knitted blanket.
“It’s beautiful,” Erin said. “It looks so soft. May I touch it?”
Mary beamed. “Of course. I always pick the softest yarn. And, it doesn’t come cheap, let me tell you. I consider it my revenge against those children of mine. They want my money? Oh, they’ll get it, but I intend to spend my share before they do.”
He liked Mary, and once he went back to work, he’d make a point of coming back to visit her. Maybe he could combine those visits with ones to see the boys. The drive was only a couple of hours, so he could make a day of it. He still hadn’t found the courage to ask and, after the sleigh ride, he wasn’t sure he wanted to get into any more personal discussions with her.
Especially considering that now, knowing Erin had been pregnant when Lily died, it was a lot harder to place the blame on her for Lily’s death. So who was he supposed to blame? Himself, for being short with her, so she hadn’t told him about the baby? What would that have accomplished?
Erin told him that blame was useless, but how else was he supposed to handle his feelings? In the corporate world, the person responsible for failures got fired. Why couldn’t things be as simple as that?
He hadn’t even intended on telling her his feelings about Christmas. He didn’t like delving into that past emotional stuff. The past was past. There was nothing he could do about it, so why bother talking about it? That’s the part Erin didn’t seem to understand.
But Mary had been so sad and he’d thought that maybe, by sharing his experience, she wouldn’t feel so alone. The Drummonds were a proud bunch, and it was important to them to keep up the appearance of being the perfect family. Hence the importance of the perfect Christmas.
With Erin, though, he’d never felt that he was a performer putting on a show. Even though talking to Mary had been about making her feel better, sharing all this old stuff with Erin, the things he’d thought pointless, had made her soften to him in a new way.
Maybe he’d been going about this all wrong.
/> He smiled as Erin fingered the blanket and made comments about the stitches.
“Who is the blanket for? I’m sure it will become a family heirloom for whoever it is,” Erin said.
Mary gestured around the room. “Does it look like any of these old fools are having babies? I make them for a women’s shelter. And for one of those teen mom programs. I figure women in those situations, they probably get all the basics, but you know, there’s something about a nice, soft blanket that brings a person comfort. That is why I spare no expense on these blankets. They probably get a lot of other people’s castoffs, but from me, they get the best.”
The tender look on Erin’s face made him smile. That had been one of the hardest things for her to get used to when they got married. She, too, had been used to castoffs and making do. But when they’d married, he’d always insisted on buying her the best. Now, looking back, he could see that she hadn’t minded about whether it was new or fancy or not. That had been a carryover from his family.
“I’m sure they appreciate it,” Erin said. “You’re probably right about them not getting the best. Not that people always need the best, but sometimes it’s nice to have a treat.”
She smiled at him, like she wanted him to know that it was okay that he did give her the best, always. But as he thought about their gift conversation, he realized he’d always done exactly what he hated having been done to him. Yes, he gave her great gifts. He could see now that what she’d really wanted most from him was his time.
The last Christmas they’d been together, he’d gotten her a diamond tennis bracelet. When she’d invited him on all the crazy outings with her sisters, he’d declined, using work as his excuse. It would have been a better gift if he’d just gone with her and not worried about giving her the bracelet. She’d left it on their dresser when she’d left him.
As the day continued and they encouraged Mary to join in some of the activities, he couldn’t stop thinking about how this place was his future. He’d told Ricky that he understood and accepted it. But as he looked around the drab all-purpose room that, despite all the attempts to make it look festive still carried the stale smell of a nursing home, he wondered, Was this what he was working so hard for?
Suddenly the sacrifice didn’t seem worth it. As he watched Ryan run up to Erin with one of his impromptu hugs, he had to admit that he wanted something like that for himself. Not just the occasional visit with the boys, but having it permanently in his life.
So what did he fear more? Erin’s rejection at him baring his soul to her or knowing that this was his future?
Pastor Roberts came to stand beside him. “It’s a good thing, what you’re doing for Erin and the boys. Erin said you weren’t much of a churchgoer, but I sure would love to see you join us on Sunday.”
Lance tried to think of a polite way to say no. He could still hear his dad’s voice in the back of his head telling him that only losers went to church because their wives wanted them to.
And then, in a moment of clarity, Lance asked himself if that was the voice he wanted to listen to. So far, everything about his time at Erin’s had him questioning that voice, because everything the voice told him was wrong. He’d been desperately trying not to be the loser his father often accused him of being. But those were his father’s standards. Lance didn’t agree with them. Why was he beating himself up, trying so hard to live up to something he didn’t want to be?
Erin’s laugh carried across the room and her smile melted his insides. Could he be the man she wanted? The man who stood next to her while she laughed, the man she hugged, and the man she cuddled up to at night, telling him how much she loved him.
He’d had that once before. But he’d let his father’s voice take over instead of being the man Erin had asked him to be. And maybe, this wasn’t about being what anyone wanted him to be but about figuring out for himself what he wanted.
Lance turned his attention back to the pastor. “I suppose I’d be willing to give it a try. I don’t have to stand up in front of the group or anything, do I?”
Pastor Roberts laughed. “No. You’ll probably see some of the same people there that you see here, and I’m sure they’ll all be glad to see you. I just thought that maybe, rather than sitting in the café all by yourself, you could spend some time with friends. I hope you come to know Christ, because as great as all these people are, you won’t find a better one than Him. I’ve never believed in being a pushy salesman, trying to make you believe in something you don’t. But I do enjoy building relationships.”
Erin’s sisters would be back before Sunday. Maybe they’d let him stay a little longer, at least to go to church, and maybe he could convince them that he could still have a relationship with the boys.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Lance said, trying to sound casual about it. But as the words came out of his mouth, he knew he’d find a way to be there on Sunday.
He had expected the pastor to hand him a Bible or something, but instead Pastor Roberts patted him on the back and gestured to where everyone was gathering. “I believe they’re getting ready to start singing Christmas carols now. Want to join us?”
He hadn’t been all that excited about the prospect of singing Christmas carols, but he’d considered it a necessary sacrifice to brighten the lives of people who need a little care and compassion. Even though Erin had been playing them nonstop in the house, this time he listened to the words.
Sure, they sang funny songs about the red-nosed reindeer, but they also sang songs about hope and love. That was exactly what Erin had been talking about earlier. Their family was missing two precious members, one he’d only barely found out about. But he still missed that little baby. He’d been struggling, trying to move on with his life and make sense of it without them. As he remembered the peace on Erin’s face, he understood that while it was okay to mourn his losses, he also needed to appreciate the family he still had.
A tear slipped down his cheek and as he reached up to brush it away, Erin put her arm around him and rested her head against his shoulder the way she used to.
Funny, he hadn’t been able to cry since his dad called him a loser for it all those years ago.
“I’m sorry to make you sad,” she said. “I was hoping to give you happy memories of Christmas, so that maybe you didn’t always look back on it with regret.”
He put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. “I don’t regret spending time with you. I just don’t know what to do once the holiday is over.”
For a moment they stood in silence, listening to Christmas carols, their arms around one another as though they’d never separated. This was where he belonged. With Erin. Surrounded by this amazing community of people that chose to be a family to those without.
If Erin was right, and you could choose to make your own family, this is what he would choose. So how did he reconcile that with the fulfillment he also got from his business? He’d worked too hard to let it go, and with his job, he felt just as alive as he did now.
Could he find a way to have both?
Chapter Ten
Snow had been falling while they’d been at the nursing home. By the time they were done with caroling, there were several inches on the ground, with more coming down. Erin almost wished they’d left sooner, but then she would have missed out on whatever special moment had passed between her and Lance during the singing. Maybe it was too soon to hope, but something had changed in his heart, and she was glad to have somehow been a part of it.
“I guess we won’t worry about whether or not it’s going to be a white Christmas this year,” Erin said as they arrived home, trying to focus on the practical rather than her own wishful thinking. “It was nice of Ricky to send his crew to plow our driveway. They’ll probably need to do it again come morning.”
“It’s good how the community comes together to help one another. I don’t think I’ve seen an
ything like it,” Lance said. “I’ve always wanted to live in a place like this, but I didn’t think it existed.”
Erin smiled at him. “We feel the same way.”
She was about to share more of what she loved about being in Columbine Springs, but as they pulled up to the house, she could see a large tarp whipping in the breeze.
“The hay!”
Lance had no sooner put the car in Park than she was tearing off her seat belt and jumping out of the car. Into the snow. She didn’t get more than a few feet before she realized her mistake.
“What are you doing?” Lance asked, catching up with her.
The boys weren’t far behind. “Aunt Erin! You’re not supposed to be in the snow with your walking boot,” Dylan said.
Erin stopped as she stared at the tarp, whipping in the wind. “That tarp was covering ten thousand dollars’ worth of hay. The snow will ruin it all.”
“What do you need me to do?” Lance asked.
“We need to get the tarp back over it and minimize as much moisture getting into it as possible, in hopes that we can salvage some of it.”
She turned to the boys. “Get me a big trash bag I can put over this boot, so I can help Lance.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Lance said. “You take the boys inside where it’s warm. The last thing you need to be doing on that foot is tromping through the snow and doing work.”
“It’s not a one-person job.” Erin gave the boys her best mom stare. “Now do what I asked.”
The boys looked between her and Lance like they didn’t know who to listen to. “I can help Uncle Lance,” Dylan said. “I’m a cowboy, and cowboys always help with the chores.”
“Not in the middle of a snowstorm.” Erin looked to Lance for assistance and he nodded.
“Your aunt is right. The best cowboy thing you can do right now is to take her inside and keep her warm.” He looked down at Erin’s foot. “And that’s the best thing you can do for this ranch, too. Can you call some of your church friends or Ricky to come help me?”
His Christmas Redemption Page 12