Taylor’s head jerked in a nod as her shoulders shook with sobs, but she didn’t turn around. Instead, she walked right out the door.
38
Taylor
Tears clouded my vision as I drove down the gravel road back to my cabin. What the hell was I doing? I had no freaking clue. All I knew was that I needed space. I needed to retreat to the safety of my bubble, a place where there was no one it would destroy me to lose.
I wanted to run somewhere Walker would never find me, but I would have to settle for holing up on my couch with a blanket pulled over my head. I swung into my driveway, and my jaw clenched. There was a large SUV parked to the side of my house, one I didn’t recognize. The last thing in the world I wanted was to be forced into polite conversation with anyone, especially a stranger.
I pulled down my car’s visor. Shit. I was a mess. I did my best to dry my tears and wipe away the tracks of mascara on my face. There was nothing I could do about the red eyes and cheeks other than put on my sunglasses. Grabbing my bag, I opened my door.
My eyes scanned from the strange SUV to the front of my house. A figure reclined on my front steps, a baseball cap pulled low, sunglasses on. Was he taking a nap? Then I noticed a guitar case leaning against the wood railing of the porch steps, and it all clicked into place. “Liam?”
The figure shot up to sitting and then moved to stand. “Hey there, Tay. How would you feel about a house guest? I really needed to get out of Dodge, and it had to be under the radar—” He paused mid-ramble to study my face. “Are you okay?”
That was all it took. I promptly burst into tears. And not the pretty kind. These were snotty, hiccupping sobs. Liam wrapped me in a tight hug. “Hey, hey now. Everything’s going to be okay. Whatever it is, we can fix it.”
“N-n-no we can’t.” I cried into Liam’s shirt.
“What could be so bad that it’s not fixable?”
“I-I-I fell in love with someone.”
Liam pulled back, lines creasing his brow. “You fell in love with someone?”
I nodded.
“And that’s bad?” he asked.
I nodded again.
Liam burst into a fit of laughter that had him leaning back to let it out. Rage flooded my veins. So many emotions had been pumping through my body for the past few hours, I was on overload. So, I didn’t take the time to think or calm my temper like I should have, I just wound my fist back and socked Liam right in the stomach. “It’s not funny, asshole!”
Turning on my heel, I stormed into the house, leaving Liam wheezing in my wake. I went directly to the kitchen and opened the freezer to pull out a bottle of vodka. I filled a glass with ice, a healthy pour of alcohol, and a dash of lemonade. Taking my drink, I walked out to the back deck and sank onto one of the rockers.
It felt like a million years ago when I had sat out here after a nightmare and decided that Sutter Lake would be my home for the next little while. In reality, it had only been months. So much had changed, yet I found myself longing for how things used to be. Alone was the only state of being that was safe. I had now learned that lesson the hard way for the second time. I could have friends, but I couldn’t open my heart to create a family. The risks were too great.
The sliding door opened behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I kept sipping my drink, staring at my beautiful view and listening to the water below. Liam sat in the rocker next to mine. Only the sound of the bubbling creek filled the air as we rocked.
Eventually, Liam blew out a long breath. “I’m sorry I laughed.” I said nothing in return. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
I turned, looking at Liam for the first time since he’d sat down. “First, why don’t you tell me why you’re here. Aren’t you supposed to be recording an album right now?”
A muscle in his cheek ticked, and he took a pull of the beer he had apparently helped himself to. “Some news is about to break that will send every blood-sucking paparazzi in a thousand-mile radius to my doorstep, so I thought it would be good to get out of LA for a while. Go someplace no one would expect to find me.”
I studied Liam’s face, a pang of guilt hitting me in the belly. He looked awful. He hadn’t shaved in days, and dark circles rimmed his bloodshot eyes. “Everything okay?” I knew it wasn’t, but I hoped he’d open up if I asked outright.
He tilted his head back, staring at the crystal-blue sky. “Not really. And it doesn’t help that I have an album due in a couple months and haven’t written anything decent in almost a year.” His head came back down so that he was again staring out at the horizon. “I think it’s time for a change of scenery. Do you think I could stay a while? Maybe this place will inspire me.”
“You can stay as long as you want. But to be honest, I was thinking of going back to LA.”
Liam’s head snapped in my direction. “You just told me that you had fallen in love with someone. And now you’re saying you want to go back to LA?”
It was my turn to stare out at the horizon. “It’s complicated.”
“Is he married?”
I scooped a piece of ice from my glass and pelted it at Liam. “No, you ass. You know I don’t mess around like that.”
He shrugged. “The heart wants what the heart wants.”
My chest squeezed at that painful reminder. “I don’t want my heart to want anyone. Or anything.”
“Tay,” he said softly. I refused to look at him, not wanting to see the pity in his eyes. He grabbed hold of one of my hands and gripped it tightly. My eyes shot to his. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
Liam squeezed my hand fiercely. “You are one of the strongest people I know.” I bit my bottom lip hard to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. I wasn’t strong, I was a fucking wimp. I didn’t want the possibility of any more pain inflicted on my heart. Liam sighed, recognizing the doubt in my eyes. “Tell you what, why don’t we get wasted, and you can tell me all about this love of yours that has you wanting to run for the hills?”
A snort escaped me. I’d definitely need lots of alcohol if I was going to talk about Walker for any length of time. “I’m in.” Maybe Liam could show me a way out of the mess I’d gotten myself into. At the very least, the alcohol might numb the pain. I stood. “We need shots.”
Liam’s eyes widened. “Shit, this must be one hell of a story.”
“You have no idea.”
39
Walker
“You aren’t seriously bringing a mug of coffee into my tea shop, are you?” Jensen’s voice rang out over the handful of early-morning customers at The Tea Kettle.
I took a long sip from my travel mug and grinned. I was not a tea drinker. I needed a strong hit of caffeine in the morning. Jensen rounded the counter, leaving Tessa to help the customers in line. She shook her head as she walked towards me. “Some supportive big brother you are.”
I ruffled her hair before she could duck out of my hold. “Hey, now, I buy your baked goods.”
“True,” she admitted. “Is that what you’re here for now? A nice scone?” she asked, arching a brow at me.
I shuffled my feet absentmindedly. “I just wanted to come and check up on my baby sister.” It was a total and complete lie, and she knew it.
Jensen ushered me forward with a wave of her hand. “Come on, I’ll grab us breakfast, and we can eat in my office and catch up.”
I breathed out a sigh of relief. My sister was a good one. She knew I needed her advice about something, and she wasn’t going to make me beg. “Sounds good. I’d take one of those ham and cheddar scones if you got ‘em.” They were the best.
Jensen grinned over her shoulder. “I think I can scrounge something up.”
I headed to the office while Jensen ducked behind the bakery case. Pushing open the door, I crossed to one of the worn, overstuffed chairs in the corner. The office fit the mismatched quality of the rest of The Tea Kettle. Nothing was an identical set, yet somehow it still worked.
Jensen bustled in moments later with a selection of biscuits, cakes, and scones. I rubbed my hands together. “Looks delicious, Little J.”
“Thanks,” she said with a small smile. Jensen had worked so hard to make this place a success, and I was damn proud of her. “So, what has my big brother walking into my tea shop before seven a.m.?”
The mouth-watering bite of scone I had just swallowed suddenly turned to lead in my stomach. “Taylor and I…we’re, uh, having some issues, and I wanted a female perspective.” My face felt hot.
Jensen’s eyes narrowed in some sort of combination of concern and anger. “What did you do?”
“Why are you so sure it was me who did something? You’re my sister, aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”
Jensen let out a little huff. “I’m on both your sides. And I assumed it was you because she’s been doing nothing but taking care of you for the last three and a half weeks. She’s barely left your side.”
“Well she’s left it now,” I said, a hint of anger tinging my tone.
Little lines creased Jensen’s brow. “What do you mean?”
“She wants to go back to LA.”
“What? How is that possible? She loves it here. She loves you.”
I rubbed a hand over my stubbled jaw, feeling the now familiar sensation of pulling where my stitches used to be. “That’s the problem.”
“Would you please stop talking around the issue and tell me what the hell is going on?” Worry filled her eyes, and I knew Jensen’s patience was at an end.
“Me getting shot really messed with Taylor’s head. She’s been trying to keep it together, but she’s freaked.”
“Does she want you to quit your job or something?”
I gave my head a little shake. “No. She wants to end things altogether. She said she just needs some time, but I know her. That’s an excuse for her to retreat and hide. If she goes back to LA, I’ll never see her again.”
Jensen’s jaw tightened, but I pushed on before she could speak. “She’s terrified, J. I’ve never seen someone so fucking scared. I broke through those steel-reinforced walls. Half of her loves that I did it, and I’m pretty sure the other half hates me for it.” I broke my scone into tiny pieces. “I don’t know what to do.”
Jensen’s expression had softened. “You can’t give up. Whatever you do, don’t leave her alone. I know that’s what she’s asking for, but it’s the last thing she needs. You need to show her that no matter what she does, you won’t let her push you away.”
I straightened my shoulders. Jensen was right. If I left Taylor alone, she would only think of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together. All the reasons it was dangerous to love me. I needed to show her that this love, this life was worth the risk. I pushed up from my chair and bent to place a kiss on my sister’s cheek. “Thanks, Little J. I can always count on you.”
“Always,” she said. “Give me two secs, and I’ll wrap up some things for you to take over to Taylor’s.”
My sister knew me so well. She knew I wouldn’t delay in getting to Taylor. “Thanks, sis.”
“If anything will give you a way in, it’ll be her favorite tea and some baked goods.”
I let out a chuckle, my first laugh since Taylor had walked out my door yesterday. I had a plan, I had an in, and I wasn’t taking no for an answer.
I pushed the door to my truck closed with an elbow as I balanced Taylor’s tea and a massive bag of treats in my hands. I rolled my shoulders back, readying myself to do battle if necessary. I slowed a few steps from the porch. There was an SUV I didn’t recognize parked next to the house. California plates.
Shit. Had she called someone to come and get her already? I really fucking hoped not. But if she had, I was going with them. I was taking Jensen’s advice and not leaving Taylor alone for a second. I bounded up the porch steps and pressed the bell. Nothing. There were zero sounds of stirring coming from inside the house.
I pressed the bell again and followed it with a strong knock. Still nothing. A lead weight once again settled in my gut. What if something was wrong? I pounded on the door. “Taylor! It’s Walker. If you don’t answer the door in sixty seconds, I’m coming in.”
I set her tea on the porch railing while I searched my pocket for my key ring, I had an extra set for the cabin on there. Before I could get them, the door swung open. “Jesus, do you know what time it is?” Standing in the doorway in nothing but boxers, hair tousled in a way that said he’d been having a little too much fun last night, was Liam Fairchild. Fuck.
I said nothing. Liam blinked against the sun, letting his eyes adjust to the light. “Oh, hey man. Walker, right?”
“Right.” My voice was rough as burlap, and my mind spun, going in directions that made me want to puke up the baked goods in my stomach.
“Who is it, Liam?” A sleepy voice I recognized all too well said from inside.
“It’s Walker.”
Taylor appeared in the hall, hair a teased rat’s nest, and wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt. What in the actual fuck? My jaw turned to granite, and I was sure my eyes were raging. Taylor’s eyes moved from me to Liam and back again. “I thought I told you I needed some time?”
My breath came in quick pants. “And you spend that time half-naked with some guy?”
Taylor’s eyes turned hard, blazing with that blue fire I loved so much. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“How I spend my time is none of your damn business! I told you I needed time and space to figure things out, but you never listen! You just push and push and push! Why can’t you respect what I ask for?”
“You want me to respect what you ask for? Fine. I’m outta here. I don’t need this shit.” I pelted the bag of goodies at the shirtless rock star still standing in the entryway. “Here, help yourself, though it seems you already have.” I spun on my heel, taking a swipe at the cup of tea still balanced on the rail. It flew into the drive, splashing everywhere.
I jumped into my truck and tore out, sending gravel flying. I only made it half a mile before the need to empty my stomach overtook me. I swung to the side of the road and heaved into the tall grass until the only thing coming up was bile.
I knew Taylor was terrified. That, I could handle. I could go as slowly as she needed, coaxing her every step of the way. But I never expected betrayal. Not from her. The image of Taylor and Liam half-dressed flashed in my mind. Suddenly, I was retching again. If only I could rid my heart of Taylor the same way.
40
Taylor
“What the fuck, Tay?” Liam’s words struck out like a whip.
I leaned back against the hallway wall and slowly sank to the floor, my entire body trembling. What had I done?
Liam crouched in front of me. “Taylor, why did you let him think something had happened between us? That is beyond messed up.”
Tears filled my eyes and began to spill over. “It’s the only way he’ll let me go.”
“Fuck.” Liam turned, sitting next to me on the floor and pulling me in to his side, his arm around my shoulders.
“He deserves better than me. I don’t think I can do this, Liam. I’m scared all the time, and I don’t think that’s going to change.” Just saying the words aloud brought on a flash of memories, but this time, they weren’t of my mother wasting away in a hospital, they were of Walker. Images of his large, vibrant body filled with tubes, of the gauze covering the wound on his chest. I shuddered, and Liam pulled me closer to him.
“You are one of the best people I know. So loving. So giving. But you’ve been slowly disappearing into nothing since your mom got sick. You don’t laugh as much, and we have to battle for you to let us in. Hell, we practically had to kidnap you to go on vacation with us last spring.” I exhaled a slow breath, knowing he was right.
Liam squeezed my shoulder. “But Carter said the last couple of months when she talked to you, you sounded more like your old self. I was at her and Austin’s one nigh
t when you called. Taylor, she burst into tears when she got off the phone with you. She said it was the first time she’d heard your real laugh in over a year. Not the polite one you use because it’s appropriate. Your real one.”
Tears continued to fall. I knew exactly the conversation he was talking about. I had been telling her about a dinner at the Coles’, recounting some story about Irma. I’d had tears in my eyes then too, but only because I was laughing so hard. Walker and the Cole family had brought so many wonderful things to my life. But I was so scared. Would it be worth the pain if I lost one of them?
Liam squeezed my shoulder again. “We love you, Tay. We want to be there for you. But you can’t keep running. You can’t keep pushing everyone away.”
I let my head fall to my knees. “It’s the only way I know not to hurt.”
Liam’s grip on me tightened until I was sure it would leave a bruise. “You’re lying to yourself, Taylor. Pushing people away doesn’t mean it won’t hurt if you lose them, it just means you’ll be lonely until they’re gone.”
I gritted my teeth. Liam was wrong. I felt a measure of peace when I was alone. When it was just me and the water, swimming until my muscles shook with fatigue. Or when I was alone with the road, my feet pounding the packed earth until my lungs burned. That life could be enough for me.
Liam released his hold on me. “I’m going to be honest with you because I think you need a wakeup call. You’re wasting your life away. You have so much to give. You’re an incredible teacher, and you have such a way with kids. You were an amazing caregiver to your mom, you could give that gift to someone else. You used to be one of the best friends someone could hope to have.”
I clued in to the used to be part of his statement and cringed. Liam pushed on. “But, honestly, this past year, you’ve been a crap friend.” My head snapped up, but Liam held up a hand. “I get it. You’ve been through something horrible. And in relationships, we all have times where we take more than we give. It’s natural. But it can’t go on forever. Get your head out of your ass and realize you’re not the only one dealing with shit before you lose the only people you have left.”
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