Stir Until Petrified

by Theda Vallee

  The girls dove into the pile of clothing, kicking off operation Make Etta Clexy. They conferred back and forth, speaking a language I wasn’t privy to. I watched as things I thought were cute ended up in the “No” pile. Gasps of despair were uttered every time I tried to make an argument for any piece of clothing. Finally, they both seemed to come to some sort of consensus. With a look of triumph plastered across their faces, they each held up a different component of what I assumed would be my ensemble.

  “These! This will look amazing on you.” Gia shoved a pair of black pants into my hands.

  “These say they’re my size, but I have serious doubts about that.” I eyed the pants warily. They looked three sizes too small.

  “You won’t know until you try them on. Here take these too.” Nerina handed over the remaining pieces of the outfit. I was left holding a flower crop tank top that was to go under the sheer black Henley style blouse and a pair of six-inch hot pink heels.

  “I can’t wear something that leaves my stomach hanging out. I don't need to show off my stretch marks on a first date.” I grasped my stomach roll in disgust.

  Damn it. Why’d I have to think about my stretch marks? The thought of them was like a knife instantly twisting in the pit of my stomach. I wasn’t ashamed of them. They belonged to Carina. My baby. I should be worried about where she was tonight, not getting ready to go out with some random guy.

  “I can’t do this. I have to cancel. This isn't right.” I clutched my chest as I fought back tears.

  “You owe me five bucks. Told ya she’d back out.” Gia held her hand out to Nerina expectantly.

  “You guys bet on whether I’d go on this date? Are you kidding me? This is unbelievable! Get out. Both of you get out of my room right now!” My voice shook with unshed tears. “This is not a joke. This isn't fucking funny. I wouldn’t wish losing a child on my worst enemy. I’m sorry if I can’t deal with moving on. I’m sorry it's taking longer than you want it to, but I don’t know how, and you’re bullshit antics aren’t helping.”

  Gia lowered her head in shame. Nerina stood glaring at me with her hands on her hips. We both stood there in an unspoken staring match. I was waiting for whatever stupid thing was about to come out of her mouth.

  “Are you done? Because I’m done. None of us think this is a game. We’ve lived this nightmare right along with you. You need to get out of this house and live a little. Going on a date, six years after your daughter went missing is not betraying her. You’re not being a bad mother. You’re going to be a crazy person by the time you find her if you keep going down this path. So, you have a choice. You can dip your toe in the water, try to start healing or you can become a crazy recluse who your daughter will be terrified of. You’re heading down the crazy recluse path real fast.”

  I opened my mouth to argue with her. Every thought fizzled out as I tried to see how it held up against her logic. She was right. I had indeed started down the path of crazy recluse. Shit. I had a mountain of baggage I was dragging around like my own personal cross. I needed to either learn to carry it or die from the weight of it.

  “Can’t I just join a book club or something? Does it have to be a date?” I said staring up at the ceiling willing myself not to cry.

  “No, it doesn't have to be a date, but you like this guy. He seems nice. Why not a date?”

  “How do I tell him I’m a witch?” I said the very idea almost sending my body into flight mode.

  “It’s one date. You’re not looking at engagement rings. If it comes to that later, then we’ll figure it out. For now, it’s one freaking night.” She said stomping her foot in frustration. “Stop making this into such a big damn deal. Go get a nice dinner. Spend a few hours staring at his dreamy face. Try to get in his pants. He’s a good time, that doesn't mean he has to be a long time.”

  Gia held the heels out to me. She didn’t look all that upset to lose the bet. Part of me wondered if these two hadn’t created this whole bet scenario as a ruse to piss me off, knowing I’d try to back out. If they’d planned it, I loved them even more for it because now I was going on this stupid date, if for no other reason to keep Gia from getting her five bucks.

  I took the black pants begrudgingly sliding into them. Neither of them said a word as they watched me struggle to get the pants up past my hips. They both seemed afraid I’d change my mind if they so much as uttered a word. I finally got the pants up but buttoning them was a challenge. Breathing in them was going to be an even bigger problem. All that aside, they stopped a few inches from my ankle which was a deal breaker.

  “These don’t fit. I won’t be able to eat anything in them and I look like I’m wearing high waters.”

  Nerina rolled her eyes at my clearly uninformed remarks but let Gia the fashion guru handle my ignorance. “They’re called ankle pants, dear cousin. They’re sitting exactly where they’re supposed to. We want them to be skin-tight. That’s the style. They fit great except the huge bulky panty line. Are you seriously wearing underwear from like the turn of the century?” Gia grinned. “I thought we could trust you to pick out a pair of underwear. Those undies need to go.”

  “It's bad enough that these pants will slowly cut off my oxygen supply through the night. I’m not taking off my underwear. What is your obsession with not wearing underwear? Anyway, what’s wrong with these? I barely notice the line. This shirt goes down past my butt. No one’s going to notice,” I said, looking at myself in the mirror.

  “These pants are too form fitting for any underwear. When you’re bowling I’m sure your shirt will ride up. The last thing you want is a wad in your pants. If you're going to wear designer clothing you have to wear it right,” Gia said.

  “Which means no panties? Is there something else in the pile that’s not designer? Something I can wear with underwear?” They both looked at me like I was the crazy one. I wasn’t going on my first date in six years sans panties. I was willing to let them do just about anything to me, but I drew the line at going commando. “Sorry ladies, not happening. We’ll just have to hope the shirt doesn't ride up.”

  “Fine. You win. Just pray he doesn't ogle your ass when your bowling or he’ll think you shit yourself,” Nerina belligerently replied. “Now put the shoes on.”

  My toes protested as they slid into the narrow confines of the shoe. The sky-high heels looked like liquid hot pink come to life but crushed my toes like a medieval torture device. When I stood up I towered over Gia and Nerina. I was almost six feet in them. I had to admit, the cut of the pants with the heels made a sexy showcase of my legs.

  “How the hell am I going to bowl in these?”

  Nerina held up a pair of socks. “You don’t. They give you shoes. Put these in your purse.”

  I shoved the socks into my purse before picking up the gigantic necklace they’d chosen for me. I secured it in place around my neck. I felt like I was wearing forty pounds of rocks. “This thing is huge! Do people actually wear necklaces this big?”

  “It’s called a statement necklace. People who want to look cute and fashionable wear them.” Gia said in her best boutique snob voice as she roughly yanked and pulled on the clothing to get it to lay just right.

  “Stand back. Let me look at you. Yes, that’s exactly what we were going for. Clexy with a capital C. We brought sexy back,” Gia said raising her hand to Nerina for a celebratory high five.

  “More like resurrected it from the dead. You’re so lucky to have us. Come on, let’s finish up your hair and face before he gets here.” Nerina took off towards the bathroom expecting me to follow.

  An hour later I was unrecognizable. Nerina had pulled my hair back into a loose fishtail braid. A few curls were left loose softly framing my face. Smokey shadow highlighted my vivid eyes making them pop even more. Bright pink lipstick finished off the look. When they turned me around to see their handiwork, I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror. I hadn't let myself look this pretty in a long time. If I was ever going to run into some jerk
from high school, tonight would be a good night for it.

  “Ohh, Etta bellisima.” Nonna stood at the bottom of the stairs beaming up at me as I precariously made my way down. If I made it through the night without falling on my face it would be a miracle.

  “Wait. I need picture. I am putting this on Internet. I promise to the women in my church group I would show them how lovely you looked tonight.” Aunt Sophia began snapping pictures like the paparazzi. I was going to have to talk to Gia about giving her access to technology. That seemed like a terrible idea.

  “We don't need to put these pictures on the Internet Aunt Sophia. Especially if you’re sharing them with all the ladies at church. When did you even have time to tell them? It’s only been a few hours since I got asked out.”

  Snapping away Aunt Sophie ignored my question. I stood at the bottom of the stairs wondering who else lived like this in their late twenties. There had to be other people. I couldn't be the only one with a family that was slowly smothering them. It was a date. I wasn't getting an award. Yet here they stood taking pictures and excited as if I was doing something extraordinary.

  “It is about time you went out, bella. This makes me so happy. I hope he’s a nice boy. If he’s a cafone, you call us right way. We will come get you. I’ll prepare a hex just in case we need it. That boy will know he messed with the wrong ladies, OK?” Nonna stood on tiptoe to rest her hands on either side of my face. The love that shone from her eyes was enough to make me ashamed of my momentary mortification. What did it matter if they were smothering me? At least someone in this life loved me enough to cheer me on, no matter the occasion.

  The realization that these women were everything gave me a boost of confidence I’d been sorely lacking until that moment. At the end of the day it didn't matter how this date went. I’d be ok someday. They’d make sure of it. Eventually they’d drag me, with all the love they could muster, out into the world again. Until then, they were the bubble that carried me through every hard moment. It was a hell of an inappropriate time to have a life-affirming epiphany, but there it was. That was the thing about life; it always seemed to have the lesson you needed when you least expected it.

  The bell to the side door rang. Everyone froze holding their breath. I said a silent prayer to Saint Raphael, the patron saint of dating. I know I just realized I really loved these people, but please don't let them say anything stupid. Let me walk out this door and have a good night with this hunk of man. Amen.

  “He’s here! Let me look you over and make sure you didn't mess anything up.” Pulling me to face her Nerina inspected me from top to bottom. “Perfect! Alright, have fun. Remember, it’s just like getting back on the horse. He doesn't have to be your boyfriend. If anything, he’s just a tester. A beyond gorgeous tester, but a tester all the same. Go get em tiger.” She gave me an exaggerated wink, smacked my butt and shoved me towards the door.

  “What does this mean tester? Tester for what?” Nonna asked her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

  I tottered forward slowly. Nerina could explain to Nonna what she meant by tester. I, on the other hand, had a date to greet. I hadn’t worn heels this high in a very long time. Maybe I should’ve gone for flats. I turned to face my family before opening the door, making a shooing motion with my hands.

  “We don’t get to make an acquaintance?” Aunt Sophia asked, clearly dumbfounded at the idea that I didn't want them all hovering behind me when I opened the door.

  “No, you don’t get to make an acquaintance. Can you move behind the door, so it doesn't look like prom night?” Everyone begrudgingly shuffled off to the side.

  I opened the door to find Luc’s entire body filling the frame. He was dressed in dark wash jeans that hugged every muscle in his thighs, with a button-down gray shirt that he’d cuffed at the sleeves. Those pants were going to make it impossible not to drool all over him like prime rib tonight. It was unfair how effortless he looked. I wonder if he’d been getting ready since he left the bakery. Doubtful. Men were lucky that way. Not a lot of options and not a lot of grooming required.

  “Wow! I thought you looked beautiful in your kitten t-shirt but this, you look stunning” The sincerity of the complement shone through his eyes.

  “I almost wore that t-shirt but then I thought, I should save this for something really special.” I hoped my sarcasm masked the blush I felt flare across my face. “Ready to go?”

  “To the point I see. Yes, let’s go get this dreadful night over with.” A flash of his devastating smile showed me he was teasing.

  “Do you think she still takes the birth controls?” Aunt Sophia’s voice asked from behind me as I swiftly pulled the door closed.

  It could’ve been worse. They’d shown phenomenal restraint for my family and for that I was grateful.

  Chapter

  5

  “My car’s just up a block. Do you want me to get it or are you OK to walk?” He eyed my feet dubiously.

  “I can walk.”

  “Aren't those shoes called two-hour heels?”

  “I don’t know? Are they?” I asked. Two hours seemed like an optimistic timeline. I was already looking forward to bowling. Bowling shoes may be ugly but at least they were flat.

  “I believe I’ve heard that term thrown around a time or two. Are you sure you don’t want me to get the car? Save your feet for bowling? I want to make sure when I beat you, it’s legitimate and not because you’re crippled from being forced to walk.” He smiled at me, his dimple peeking out.

  “I’ll be fine. Have no fear, you’ll beat me regardless of what state my feet are in.” We stopped short of a sleek silver car. It said Porsche on the back. Nerina was right, he had money. “This is a great car. What is it? I’ve never seen a four-door Porsche before.”

  “You like it? I got it a few weeks ago. I wanted something practical but fun. I always go for practical. I figured there had to be a balance somewhere. It's a Panamera. Here, get in. I’ll take the long way to the restaurant. I’ve been dying to show it off to someone.” He opened the door for me and I slid into the plush seat. The smell of leather with a hint of cedar filled my nostrils. This was how all cars should smell.

  Luc slid into the driver’s seat ready to show off. The car roared to life with the push of a button. I could feel the engine rumble through my bones. I’d always had a thing for cars. I was usually more of a muscle car kind of girl, but a Porsche was nothing to sneer at.

  “Ready?” He grinned at me enthusiastically. I couldn't help but smile as I nodded.

  He gunned the engine as we sped off down the street. The car seemed to float just above the pavement. I watched as he shifted through the gears with ease. We made it to the on-ramp in record time. As we merged onto the highway, he looked over at me smirking like he had a secret. I watched the speedometer jump as he applied pressure to the gas pedal. I’d thought we were flying over the pavement before. This was like soaring. The lights overhead flew past blurring together to form one long comet tail. When we hit ninety the highway seemed to bend before us, kowtowing to our will. This was an amazing car. I loved my little Bug, but she was a workhorse. This car was all pleasure.

  I was disappointed when we pulled up in front of the restaurant. I had a sneaking suspicion that the drive here was going to be the best part of the evening. “That was amazing. You should let me drive home.”

  “If you agree to another date, I might consider it.” He peered at me to gauge my response.

  “We’ve been out for less than twenty minutes. We’ve barely said ten words between us. How do you know you're going to want another date?”

  “I can tell.” He winked at me as he slid out of the car. Well, if he wasn't a cocky one.

  I watched in the rear-view mirror as he walked around to open the door for me. He may be cocky but at least he had manners.

  We’d been lucky enough to find a parking spot less than a block from the restaurant. We walked the short distance in awkward silence, neither of us sure of what to
do with ourselves. This was going to be a long evening.

  The smells inside the restaurant assaulted my senses the second we stepped inside. My stomach growled, reminding me I’d forgotten to eat lunch. I’d been so busy getting ready for the date, l hadn't even thought of food. I hoped Thai restaurants served bread while you were waiting.

  The proprietors had gone out of their way to replicate Thai architecture. Pagodas complete with carved dragons, peaked roofs, and ornate gold lined the walls. Each space was separated by a set of wispy curtains, giving the diners inside the illusion of being secluded in their own little piece of Thailand. The inner room had tables bedecked in red silk tablecloths with golden elephants embroidered into the fabric. Candlelight flickered softly from every table. In the middle of the restaurant was a lotus pond with an elephant statue happily spouting water from its trunk. I kind of loved it. It was like a love letter to Thailand.

  We were led to our own private pagoda nestled in the back of the restaurant. Great. Now there was nothing to distract us from talking. I picked up the wine list, vaguely registering its contents. I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to make small talk. Nerina had spent so much effort on my appearance she’d forgotten to coach me on the actual date part. When I’d met Redmond, deadbeat wife leaver that he was, it’d been easy. I was young. He talked about himself. I fawned all over him. We got married. The end. That left my dating skills undeveloped. Hell, my social skills in general were nonexistent. I needed some wine.

  “I know I said it when I picked you up, but you really do look beautiful tonight.” I looked up from my menu blinking shyly. I was not very good at taking compliments.