by Holly Renee
Letting me touch her was a mistake.
Letting myself fall for the girl who was only supposed to be part of a plan was a giant fucking mistake.
"Lucas warned me not to trust you."
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
"You claim Lucas is a monster and yet, even he knew that you were toxic. What does that say about you?"
She started to walk by me, but I reached out and grabbed her arm. She was so close to me, the smell of her perfume sweet and intoxicating, and I hated what I had done to her. What I had done to us.
"Lucas doesn’t know shit about me." Not anymore.
"But I do." The fire in her eyes died for a moment, and she looked so damn sad. I wanted to hold her, to comfort her, to make her see that she was worth more than what any of us gave her.
Because she was.
I wanted her, but I didn’t deserve her.
And she didn’t deserve what any of us would put her through.
Josie was too pure for Clermont Bay. Just like Frankie, this fucking place would change her.
"Then you know I am nothing like him."
Josie jerked her arm from my grip and her skin slipped through my fingers. I saw her fingers grip the glass before I realized what she was doing.
The cold water hit my face before I could utter a word. It dripped down my hair and into my eyes, and all I could hear were the echoes of laughter around us.
"Don’t fucking touch me again." Then Josie disappeared through the doorway.
Chapter Three
Josie
The days at this school felt like torture. I avoided Beck as much as I could, but even when he wasn’t around, I was reminded of him.
Of what he had done.
Every class there was someone whispering about me, every time I went to the bathroom.
The library had been my only respite.
I had been disappearing in here any chance I could.
I avoided Beck yesterday and today in class. I knew that I said I wouldn’t hide from him, but I couldn’t just sit there and pretend like nothing happened.
I stared out the windows I sat near and tapped my pencil against my textbook. I had no idea what I was doing. Not just with Beck. With all of it.
I had no idea what I was doing here.
My entire life felt like a giant question, and I didn’t know how to answer any of it.
I felt like I was spinning, and I had no idea which way was up.
I thought I had a clue before, but I was wrong. I had been wrong about everything. Now, I didn’t know where I stood. I didn’t know where I wanted to stand.
I didn’t want to be at school with Beck. I didn’t want to be home with my dad or Lucas.
Work felt like a savior most days, but even that couldn’t save me. Beck was there. He was everywhere.
I could see him from where I sat now. The baseball team was running sprints up and down the field, and I had a front-row view as he pushed himself to the limits. He was running harder and faster than the rest, and it seemed far more about pushing himself than talent.
He looked like he was as lost as I was.
But I didn’t care.
It didn’t matter that he had stared at me the entirety of class every day or that I had to practically run from the room to avoid talking to him. His stare did nothing to me.
His apologies fell on deaf ears.
I was no longer affected by Beck Clermont.
I couldn’t afford to be.
Broken girls didn’t get those luxuries, and that was the one thing I was certain about. He had broken me, and no matter what I did, no matter how busy I tried to keep my mind, all I could think about was him and how badly I missed my mom.
I missed her more than anything.
And suddenly without Beck acting as the anchor to all of my attention, I felt like I was falling apart.
Moment by moment, I could feel myself unraveling, and the only thing that made me feel sane was focusing on how much I hated him.
I looked back out toward the field just as the team was headed to the locker room. Lucas was at the head of the group, and he looked like he had pushed himself just as hard as Beck had. He was covered in sweat, and I could see the exhaustion on his face as he passed by.
I didn’t know much about team sports, but it felt odd that Beck and Lucas could even consider being on one together. A team in which none of them had each other’s backs was fated to fail.
My father had told me that they were looking to win the state championship this year. This was important to Lucas. I assumed it was important to all of the guys, but it seemed like an impossible task.
I couldn’t imagine them winning anything together.
After everything Beck had done to get back at Lucas, he was willing to go so far to get his revenge, and I couldn’t imagine that they would be able to tolerate each other, let alone support one another.
Even the way they were walking off the field made that clear. Lucas was at the very front and Beck trailed in the back. Olly and Carson were with him, and I could see them talking to one another, but I knew that he was avoiding Lucas.
Maybe now that he had gotten his revenge, they would drop the whole thing. He had gotten what he wanted. He had done to me what he felt like he had to do, and I had paid the price for his cruelty.
I was nothing but a casualty in his game, but maybe it was enough for them to stop.
Even if Beck would never see me as anything but a Vos, I didn’t care. Because he had made sure that I saw him clearly as well. He taught me a valuable lesson about who he was, and I wouldn’t forget it.
Regardless of how badly I wanted to.
Beck laughed at something Olly said just before his eyes swept over the library windows. I didn’t know if he could actually see inside, but I still dropped my eyes and stared down at the textbook I hadn’t been able to pay one bit of attention to.
I glanced back up, and his gaze met mine. He was pushing his shirt over his head, wiping away the sweat that clung to his hair, but he was still staring into the window as if he had a perfect view of me.
The school was an old building with massive windows, but there was no way that he could see me clearly. My heart raced as I quickly closed my notebook, but he was headed in my direction, his friends forgotten behind him. There was not a chance that I was going to let him find me here staring at him like I was some lovesick fool.
I hadn’t even realized they would be out there when I had picked this spot. I had come here for solitude. To get away from everything.
But it appeared that I could never get away from him.
He was impossible to hide from. Impossible to escape.
I pulled my backpack onto my shoulders just as I heard the heavy library doors open. I spun toward the sound, and my hands shook against the straps of my bag.
I didn’t want to face Beck right now. I wasn’t prepared.
He stood there watching me, his hair a mess, his shirt still in his hand, and I was a fool for letting my gaze leave his face and trailing down his body.
He was still covered in sweat, but it did nothing to detract from how attractive he was. His black shorts hung low on his hips, and for a moment, I let myself remember what he had looked like when there was nothing between us.
Nothing but his secrets and all his lies.
"What are you doing in here?" He was watching me so intently that I felt like every small move was under his scrutiny.
"It’s a library, Beck." I held up one of the books on the table in front of me. "I’m studying."
He looked out the window as if he was imagining what I had been able to see while they were practicing, and I knew that he knew I had been watching him. Even if I would never admit it.
"You’ve been avoiding me." He said it as if that fact should have been surprising to him. Like he hadn’t expected me to avoid the guy who had done nothing but break me.
"Have I?" I cocked my head to the side and stared at his mouth with
a racing heart. "I hadn’t even noticed you."
There was a flash of anger in his gaze before he stepped toward me. Instinctively, my body moved backward keeping an equal distance. My thigh hit a chair and the loud scrape of it against the floor rang out through the quiet space.
The heads of the few other students who were in there turned in our direction, and I winced at their sudden attention.
"Sorry," I whispered and turned my attention back to Beck.
He was watching me, analyzing my every move, and I could feel his gaze with a burn of familiarity.
An intimacy that I never should have allowed him.
He took another step closer, so small it was barely noticeable, but I noticed. "I think we should talk."
"I think you’re out of your mind." I turned away from him before I did something stupid and listened to what he had to say. I moved through the stacks of books, racing toward the library entrance, and I could feel him following my every step.
"So that’s your plan? You’re just going to ignore me and pretend like you know what happened?" His voice was filled when venom, and I spun around so quickly that I smacked straight into his chest.
"How would you like me to act?" My chest heaved against his, but I refused to put any space between us. If he wanted to do this, then we would do it, and he would have to see every damn emotion right in front of him.
He would have to face it head-on.
"I saw the video, Beck. I think it was pretty fucking clear what happened."
Anger flashed in his eyes that were more green today than they were brown. "I didn’t post that video."
He was so full of shit. I didn’t understand his cruelty. This was his plan all along. He got exactly what he wanted, and now he was going to try to get out of it.
He was going to stand here and lie to my face.
Like he hadn’t lied enough already.
"Who did then?" I held my arms out wide. "Did big bad Lucas follow us to the country club and hide to get that video? Is that what you expect me to believe?"
"No." He shook his head. "The video is from me."
I narrowed my eyes as the sound of my heart echoed in my ears.
"I pulled it from the club’s security cameras. That part was all me."
"But I’m supposed to believe that you're innocent?" I took a small step back, and he caught my hand in his to keep me from leaving. His touch was rough and warm, and I knew I was a fool, but his skin against mine felt shocking.
It felt like something I would come to miss when I had no right.
I shouldn’t miss anything about him.
Not his touch, not his smile, and definitely not the way his warm, smoky scent always seemed to surround every part of me when he was near.
"I’m not fucking innocent." His hand held mine even tighter. "I’m not the guy you want me to be."
I jerked my hand away from his, but he refused to let go. "I don’t want anything from you."
"Yes. You do." He was so sure of himself. His words firm and unquestionable. "And I want you too."
Every part of me froze. How dare he speak to me like that? "This." I motioned my free hand between the two of us. "Will never happen again. You’ve lost your damn mind."
"I didn’t post the video." He ran his hand through his hair, and his frustration was visible as his gaze bounced around my face.
"It doesn’t matter!" I yelled, and he quickly pulled me farther into the library stacks. But I didn’t care who heard us. I didn't care if we were making a scene. "You took everything from me."
"I didn’t. I wasn’t." He looked so lost. He was scrambling with what to say, but there was nothing he could say to make this better. There was nothing he could do that could erase what he had already done. "I made those plans before I knew you."
"And that’s supposed to make what you did better?" I jerked my hand from his and pushed against his chest to move him away from me. He didn’t budge an inch. "Just leave me the hell alone, Beck. You’ve proved your point. You’ve proved that you can best Lucas. That’s what you wanted, right?"
He didn’t say a word because what could he say? That was exactly what he had wanted.
He had sought me out to ruin Lucas.
If what he had said was true, he had sought me out to do the exact same thing to me that he was so pissed at Lucas for doing. But I had been more than willing to let him. I had been willing to give him everything without question.
"You got exactly what you wanted here."
He moved closer to me, and my back bumped into the tall bookcase. "This isn’t what I wanted. Fuck." His eyes flicked over mine and to my mouth and then back. He looked so confused, so unsure of what he wanted or of what he was doing, and I felt as confused as he did. "I’m sorry."
"Your apology doesn’t mean shit to me." But I knew that I was staring up at him like it did because as much as I hated it, his apology did do something to me.
It fucked with my head, and that was probably part of his plan all along.
I was nothing more than a plaything to him, and he was going to take every opportunity he could to fuck with me. It didn’t matter that he had already ruined so much. Nothing mattered to him.
I could see that now.
Beck cared about his revenge and his revenge alone. I was nothing more than a casualty of war.
"What do you want from me?" I searched his face as I clenched my jaw and tried to prevent myself from spewing out everything that was running through my head. "Do you need another video?"
My heart was pounding, but it felt so different from how my heart had raced when I was with him before. It was now anger that pulsed through me. Anger fueled everything that I thought and said.
I let my backpack slide from my back and drop to the floor, then before I could think better of it, I followed its path. I stared up at him and the way his pupils flared as I sank to my knees.
"What are you doing?" He reached for my arm to pull me back up, but I moved away from his touch.
"Isn’t this what you want?" I blinked up at him and cocked my head to the side. "You weren’t looking for anything but a whore, right?"
He cursed under his breath, and I let my shaking hand fall to his thigh. I had no idea what I was doing, but I wouldn’t let him walk around like he had forgotten what he tried to make me out to be. If he wanted to treat me like a whore, then he needed to be reminded that was what I was.
"Get up, Josie." He gripped my hand in his and tugged me forward. My knees drug against the hard carpet, but I refused to stand. He didn’t get to choose when he wanted me to be this girl and when he didn’t.
"No." I reached for his shorts, and he smacked my hand away. His mouth was agape as he stared down at me, and I knew I should have felt embarrassed or worried about where we were, but I felt neither. I was too high on how uncomfortable he looked.
He was so used to being in control. He always dictated the narrative, but not anymore.
If he wanted to push me, then this is the girl he was going to get. I refused to give him any more of who I really was. I refused to allow him to have any part of me that could ever mean something real.
"You’re not fucking doing this." He reached down and gripped me by the arms. "Now get up."
"Why not?" I could feel the burn of tears at the back of my eyes, and I was so damn angry with him. "Are you back with your girlfriend now that you’ve tricked me into thinking you weren’t a dirtbag?" I ran my hand over his dick as he pulled me up, and I was shocked by how hard he was beneath my touch. "Is she back to sucking your dick now?"
"Jesus Christ, Josie." Beck looked behind him, but there was no one around us. No one that I could see, anyway. "I’m trying to fucking apologize."
I pressed my hand farther against him and took a sharp inhale as he bit down on his bottom lip. It would be so easy to fall back into him. So effortless to believe what he was saying and beg him for more.
But I couldn’t do that again.
I could make excus
es for myself being so fucking dumb the first time, but I wouldn’t slip into him so easily again.
"Save your breath, Beck." I pressed my hand farther against him and his cock strained against his pants. I somehow felt powerful at that moment with Beck’s eyes on me, his breathing rushed, his eyes dilated, and his mouth open as if begging me to close the distance between us. "I don’t give a fuck about what you have to say."
I pushed away from him and grabbed my bag from the floor before he could stop me. He didn’t say another word as I walked away from him.
But I could feel his gaze on me the entire time. I had Beck’s attention whether I wanted it or not, and the worst part of all was that I did. His attention felt like power. The power that I needed to get over what had happened.
The power I wanted to make him pay for what he did.
But I knew that power was fleeting. Beck could turn it on me at any moment, and I would crumble under his command. He had more power over me than I cared to admit. Even after everything that had happened.
I was still hanging on to every word, every glance, and I didn’t know how to stop caring. Everything had been fake for him, but it hadn’t been for me.
Now, I just had to remind myself that nothing I felt was real.
I just needed to forget Beck, and not worry about him or what he was thinking or the way he made me feel. I wanted to forget everything.
I pulled out my phone and text Allie back from earlier in the day.
You’re right. Let’s do something tonight.
Chapter Four
Beck
I had no idea what I was doing. Olly and Carson had talked me into this fucking party, but I knew I didn’t want to be here. There is only one place I wanted to be and that was with her.
After the way we left things today, after seeing her on her fucking knees in front of me, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. She was driving me crazy.
I knew that wasn’t fair. I knew that I was the one who put us in this situation. I was the one who made her hate me, but I still hated that we were here.
I hated that I had made us into enemies when I never really hated her at all. I had hated what she represented. I hated her family, and I hated her last name.