by Holly Renee
I still hated all of those things.
But she wasn’t those things.
She was so different than they were. Not an ounce of her was the same.
And it took me fucking up everything to realize that.
"You just gonna sit there and sulk all night?" Olly plopped down on the couch beside me, and I finally raised my lukewarm beer to my mouth.
"This party fucking sucks." It wasn’t like this party was any different from any of the others, but I wasn’t interested in any of these people anymore. I didn’t give a shit what they were drinking or how their day had been or who was screwing who. None of these people mattered to me outside of Olly and Carson. They were just noise. They were noise that used to fill up my life until I met her.
Olly nudged my shoulder before handing me his phone with a smirk on his face. He also had a beer in his hand, but I knew that he wasn’t drinking it. Not really. Carson was off taking shots with who the hell only knew, and Olly was far too responsible to let all three of us get fucked up.
He had always been responsible but much more so after what had happened to Frankie.
I think he took as much responsibility as I did for what happened to her. What Lucas did hit him in a way that was irreparable, and I knew the feeling.
I think that he hated how much he had trusted Lucas before he turned his back on us. On me. Lucas had betrayed our trust in the most extreme way, and Olly would never forget that.
"What the hell is this?" I clicked on his phone and played the Instagram story that he had pulled up. It was one of the guys from Clermont High baseball team, and he was bullshitting around with a bunch of his friends. I had no idea why Olly was showing me this because I didn’t give a shit. I cared even less about them than I did about people at this party.
I went to hand him back his phone just as the next video played, but then it caught my eye. There was Josie in the background laughing with Allie by her side. I had no idea what she was laughing at or who she was with besides Allie, but I could feel my blood heat just knowing that she was there.
I was here and she was there, and I hated that they all had access to her. I hated that they all had seen her in a way that only I should have seen her. They’d seen how she looked when she writhed underneath me and begged me for more.
It was my fucking fault, every bit of it, but I still hated it. They should have never been able to see her that way. That should have been a privilege for me and me alone.
But I had given them all that privilege. I had taken it from her.
I had exposed her in front of them all, and that small part of herself that she had given to me was completely tainted.
I handed him his phone and stood.
"Where are you going?" He sounded like he had expected me to just sit there after he had shown me that, but there was no way in hell.
I turned back to look at him. "You know exactly where I’m going."
Olly quickly stood and set his beer down on the table. "You don’t even know where that party’s at."
He was right, but I didn’t care. We knew everybody on that damn baseball team, and I would find out where she was. If she was out and about and no longer hiding in her house then I had to be around her.
I knew that was probably the last thing she wanted. That was probably why she was there instead of here. Not that I would have ever expected her to be here. The only parties I had ever seen her at before, she was completely uncomfortable, and I had only increased that for her.
I knew she didn’t want to be around these people. Most of them were as cruel and selfish as I was.
Not that many of the people at the Clermont High party were any better.
They may not have had as much money and privilege as we had, but they were still a bunch of teenagers who only thought about themselves.
The lines between Prep and High had always been pretty clear, and most of us typically stayed on our side of the line.
But not her.
I should’ve known the moment she got a job at the country club that she was going to be nothing like her brother, but I couldn’t see anything besides how much I hated him.
"Then I’ll find her." I clenched my jaw to stop myself from saying more. Olly thought me having anything to do with her was a bad idea. After everything I had done, he knew that I was toxic for her.
I knew it too.
I knew what I had done was completely fucked up. It was so similar to what Lucas did to Frankie. I was the same monster, the same kind of trash, but I couldn’t stay away from her.
I knew that probably made me even worse than him because he had never bothered Frankie again after what he had done.
I had made sure of it. I made sure that he never even spoke her name again after I ran my fist through his face over and over. I could still remember it too. The crunch of his nose beneath my fist, the feel of his blood running down my knuckles when they pulled me off.
But more than anything, I remembered the look of fear in his eyes when he saw me coming for him. It was the moment that he knew that I knew what he had done. He couldn’t take it back. He couldn’t talk his way out of it, and I had fed on that one look every day since then.
But I couldn’t just sit here knowing she was there with all of those guys who I knew probably wanted her just as badly as I did. And nothing I did to her had hindered their want in any way. Even though I knew the video was wrong, she had looked so hot in it.
I had never been so turned on in my entire life than when I was between her thighs, and I didn’t need that video to remember that. That moment and the way she had pulled my hair and whispered my name was burned into my brain.
The video had only served to remind me how every little move she made, how every inch of her, was pure sin.
I had let everyone else in on that fact too.
That was the only thing I could think about as I climbed into my car with Olly and Carson on my tail.
Carson had plenty to say as we drove to the other side of town. He was talking about some chick who had given him head in the bathroom, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy texting every player I knew on the Clermont High baseball team. Finally, after sending five different texts, their left fielder responded with exactly where they were. The urge to ask him if Josie was still there was overpowering, but I didn’t need them seeing how pussy-whipped I was.
That fact would already be evident when we rolled up to the party and I only had eyes for her.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Carson barely looked up from his phone as he questioned me. "I know you have it bad for this girl but her dad and yours are going to kill you."
"I don't give a shit." My knee was bouncing, and I felt like I was going out of my mind. "I just want to see her."
"Carson's right, though. You need to be careful with her after everything."
"I didn't post that fucking video," I growled.
"And I believe you, but they don't. Why should they? You've made it perfectly clear that you had Lucas, and you were the one who recorded the video. Why would any of them believe that it wasn't you?" Olly looked over at me to gauge my reaction, but I didn't have anything to say.
I knew he was right. I knew that I should have kept my distance and give the girl some space, but I couldn't.
Space meant that she would just continue to hate me.
Space meant that I could do nothing to make her see the way I felt.
When we pulled up to the house, there were cars everywhere. Allie’s old Honda was parked right on the street. If Allie was here, then she was here with her. Olly parked my car behind hers, and the three of us quickly climbed out. There was barely an ounce of alcohol running through my system, but I still felt like I was buzzing.
There is something about seeing her again, especially after the way I saw her today. With her staring up at me on her knees in front of me, I couldn’t get that image out of my head. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to.
She had looked so vuln
erable and so powerful at the exact same time. Everything about her being on her knees in front of me was bewildering and captivating. I knew that I should have lifted her the moment she fell to them, but I couldn’t. Seeing her there in front of me, imagining what she would do if we weren’t in this fucked-up place, was too much.
I shouldn’t have allowed her to do it. I was attempting to apologize for something that I knew was unforgivable, but she was the most enthralling person that I had ever met.
The music blared from the house, and I could barely hear myself think as we pushed through the slightly ajar front door. There were people everywhere with drinks in their hands and smiles on their faces.
I scanned the crowd and looked for her. Every face was disposable if it wasn’t hers. It didn’t matter that most of them smiled at me as I walked by or a lot of the guys from the team tried to get my attention, I was only interested in finding her.
I heard her laugh before I even saw her. She was standing at a long table with Allie at her side, and Will and one of his buddies were standing at the other end of the beer pong table. I stepped back and watched her, the way she smiled at him, the way she laughed. She looked so carefree and happy, and if I wasn’t selfish, I would’ve walked away right then.
Will was the good guy. I had always liked him, but now he was starting to grate on my nerves. There were far too many times when I had seen Josie with him, and every time she was smiling at him like he somehow mattered to her.
And she never smiled at me like that.
I knew that she had felt things for me before I fucked everything up, I would’ve been a complete idiot if I hadn’t noticed that. But it didn’t come easy. The way she was looking at Will with her dimple was present on her right cheek, I had never brought that out in her.
Most of the time, she was angry with me, and even though she was beautiful when she was laughing, I loved seeing the fire in her eyes when she was worked up.
I hadn’t seen that fire in her eyes when she was looking at anyone else. That was reserved for me and me alone, and even though Will could make her smile at the drop of a hat, I still felt like there was a part of herself that she had only shown to me. That she had given to me without even realizing it.
And that fact made me feel more selfish than I already was.
I felt barbaric and territorial, and I knew that she would hate both of those things. If I wasn’t careful, I would have her running harder from me than she already was, but I didn’t feel like I could be careful with her.
The cold, calculated part of me felt like it was going haywire. I could barely think when it came to her, let alone make a plan, and I sure as hell couldn’t sit back and wait for things to happen the way I needed them to.
With her, I felt too irrational.
It didn’t matter what Frankie or my dad or even my mom said. It didn’t matter that Olly, and even Carson, thought this was a bad idea. I couldn’t stay away from her.
She had been drinking. That was clearly evident by the way her hips swayed to the music and the way she seemed to not give a shit who was around her.
Because even though she normally liked to pretend she didn’t care, she did. These people knew what we had done, they had seen it firsthand, and I knew that it bothered her. She already hated that they thought they knew her simply based on who her father was, she had hated me for that too, but this was different.
They had gotten to see an intimate side of her that she hadn’t given to them willingly, and I knew she blamed me for that. I was to blame.
And that was all that mattered.
But she didn’t seem to care about any of that tonight.
She grabbed the ping-pong ball and dipped it in the cup of water before she lined up for her shot. She smiled at Will before she laughed, and I clenched my jaw so tightly I thought my teeth would snap.
"I’m getting pretty good at this." She teased him, and I saw the way his eyes lit up as he looked at her.
Will wasn’t some dirtbag. He wouldn’t take advantage of her, but he would take advantage of my fuck-up. Josie wanted nothing to do with me, and she was smiling at him. He wouldn’t let that opportunity pass him by.
He would be an idiot if he did.
"You are." He leaned forward on the table, his hands resting on either side of the triangle of cups. "I might just have to recruit you for the baseball team." He winked at her, and I clenched my fingers into a fist.
My heart was racing in my chest as my eyes scanned over her. She was so damn beautiful. I was staring at her, and she hadn’t seen me. She had no idea that I was there, and it felt so odd watching her be so carefree.
"What? Do you all need help smoking Beck’s ass?" She lifted the ball into the air with a grin on her face, and I cocked my head as I stared at her.
Even though she was here with him, she was still thinking about me.
Will opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but I beat him to it. "Will hasn’t smoked my ass in years."
Josie’s gaze swung to me and her eyes were full of shock. Every bit of her carefree attitude dissolved in front of me within a moment's time. She hadn’t planned to see me here. She hadn’t wanted to.
Whatever her plans were for tonight, they didn't include me.
"What are you doing here?" Her long legs were bare, her shorts cut off at her upper thighs, and the tan she was now sporting looked so good on her. I couldn’t be the only one noticing.
"It’s a party." I motioned my hand around the room where barely anybody was paying attention to us as she narrowed her eyes at me.
"This isn’t a Prep party." She pointed toward the door. "I think your people are on the other side of town."
"My people?" I laughed because she was torn from the same cloth as me. If those were my people, they were hers too. We were both born into it. We were both a product of our families. "I didn’t realize you were such a snob, princess."
"Don’t call me that," she snapped, and a few more heads turned in our direction.
That fire I had been missing was staring straight back at me. Not for Will. Not for anyone else. It was directed at me, and my cock hardened in my pants.
"Can I call the winner?" I pointed to the game they were playing. "It looks like Will is letting you win."
She cocked her hip out to the side. "He’s not letting me win. But you would assume that, though, wouldn’t you? You’re such a dick."
Allie coughed out a laugh behind her, but I didn’t move my eyes away from her face and the way her cheeks had reddened since she saw me.
"I am assuming." I nodded my head and pushed off the wall. I saw her body tense as I moved closer to her, and the urge to gather her in my arms and attempt to take away every bit of damage I had caused her was overwhelming. "But Will has the best arm in our entire district so the only way you’re beating him is if he’s letting you."
She looked toward Will, and I followed her gaze. He looked guilty as hell, but he didn’t say a word. We both knew I was right.
"Will, you fucking play." She pointed her finger at him, and I smiled because that lovesick smile she had been giving him was long gone.
I pulled out a chair a few feet away from her, and she tried to ignore me. Her body was as still as could be and her eyes continuously flicked my way, but she was pretending that they weren’t. I let her bluff.
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and rubbed my fingers over my mouth. I could sit there and watch her pretend not to notice me all day. As long as I got to see her, as long as she was close.
I could smell a hint of her perfume from where I sat. It was mixed with the smell of cheap beer and a hint of smoke, but I could still pick up those hints of her.
The sweet smell of her drowned out the rest.
She drowned out everything.
Will and his partner took their shot, and both sank their balls with no effort at all. Josie looked over to me as Will’s ball hit the cheap beer, and I simply shrugged my shoulders.
> She rolled her eyes before turning back to the table, and I couldn’t help the smirk that formed on my face or the way I allowed my gaze to run over her ass.
She may not have wanted anything to do with me, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t look at her. It felt like torture. Being here, watching her, and not being able to touch her in all the ways I wanted.
I wanted to walk up behind her and show every one of these motherfuckers that she was mine. Even if she didn’t believe it, even if I had screwed it up, it didn’t change the fact that it was true.
Josie was mine, and I would do whatever it took to make her see it that way again.
But it would be torture while I waited. Complete and total agony.
And I was certain that she would enjoy every single moment of it.
She bent forward, grabbing the ball from the table, and I was positive that she knew exactly how good her ass looked in those shorts. The way she bent showed the smallest sliver of the bottom of her ass, and I was sure that was by no accident.
She knew I was watching her, and she pretended like she didn’t care. But she did.
Allie took her shot first and missed the cups by a mile.
"Nice shot, Allie." Carson walked up behind me and put his hand on the back of my chair.
"Kiss my ass, Carson." She crossed her arms over her chest and moved to the side so Josie could have her turn. Allie was hot. I wasn’t foolish enough not to notice that. I didn’t know if Carson’s aggression toward her came from pent-up sexual frustration, but the two of them needed to fuck and get it over with.
"Bring it over here," he teased her as he motioned her forward with the crook of his finger, but she simply rolled her eyes and looked away from him.
Josie was ignoring everyone. She had the ball in her hand, and I could tell she was focused. She didn’t want to lose. She wanted to prove me wrong and win because I said she couldn’t.
It was endearing and a fucking turn-on.
She threw the ball, and it hit the rim of the very last cup. For a moment, I thought it might actually go in, but it slowly fell forward and hit the table with a soft bounce.