by S. K Munt
Atticus should be talking to Kohl about Pacifica’s plans for the future, not me! I don’t have one! Not yet, and if I cant shake Kohl loose, he’ll keep fighting for the wrong thing! He should be standing here, not I!
‘Larkin...’ the general’s voice was soft. ‘Please don’t get upset. I had no idea that this would be an emotional subject and I would never have pounced you so if I’d thought otherwise. I mean, Kohén is determined-’
‘Yes, apparently he still is though I’ve heard nothing of this island or these plans from him! And such continued determination without a friendship still in place to justify it is a terrifying thing for a girl like me.’ I pushed off his shoulders, looking around to make sure that no one was overhearing us and luckily, there were only a dozen people left milling about and Elfin’s gentle piano playing was making it hard to hear anything beyond one’s immediate area. ‘In fact, your island sounds like as much of a trap as this dress is.’
I have to get out of here!
‘The island could be a treasure trove for all of us with a girl like you in charge of the farming aspects of it!’ Atticus insisted. ‘And Kohén treasures you-’
‘Not in a way that counts,’ I whispered, shaking my head. And that was when Kelia appeared out of the anteroom and rested her head on Kohén’s shoulder. The sight of her glittering gold undid me, as did the way she whispered into his ear and attempted to tug him away from Yael, and toward the door. He furrowed his brow and did not go, but that didn’t make me feel any better, because as she took his hand, her bangles slid down her arm to clang against his wristwatch in a golden symphony of betrayal. My stomach swirled as my brain did- I felt as though every emotion I’d ever had concerning Kohén Barachiel had been put into a bowl and blended with sharp blades. The hurt, the longing, the lust, the hate, the judgement, the contempt, the gratitude, the confusion… it was too much.
I faced the general come prime minister once more. ‘Look, I’m just a girl, okay? Just a stupid, lost…’ my neck ached with emotional tension and my lower lip wobbled. I wiped at my eyes to clear my watery vision and whispered through an aching throat: ‘I’m seventeen, sir and though I’ve been forbidden to cry, the tears always make it through, because being third-born doesn’t make me less human, you know? Even if they-’ I swept my hand around the room ‘-believe otherwise.’
‘The people in this room respect and admire you Larkin, regardless of how you came to be here- they are thrilled that you are here!’
‘Because I have glorified the Companion image for them,’ I said, motioning to myself. ‘I shoot for the stars, I speak my mind and I study hard- and I just happen to be chesty which according to Ora, is some sort of accomplishment. But I am still not a person to them who counts as a third-born. They dress me like I’m a goddess, but they collar me like I’m a dog, and then reward me when I perform tricks. They threaten to brand me like a cow when I please them too much, or to fuck me until I’m brainless when I do not, and that is okay for now… because I am no one until that contract is torn up- just an unfortunate, irrelevant girl born from irresponsible parents to the kingdom’s demise who ought to be grateful for what she’s been given.’ I sniffled. ‘But if Kohén thinks that he can ruin me, but then still count on me to help the crown garner more power and wealth after-’
‘Larkin, Kohén Barachiel loves you,’ the general said softly. ‘He wants to make his dreams come true with you, and there’s not much that he isn’t willing to do to-’
‘Fuck me, then hand me his version of my dreams after as a consolation prize, if it benefits the kingdom?’ I asked coldly- pointing over at Kohén and Kelia. Atticus followed my gaze, and cringed. ‘Like that noble girl he’s already brainwashed into pursuing wealth instead of esteem, which is supposed to be the POINT of being noble?’
‘It appears that he has made some bad judgement calls,’ Atticus agreed. ‘And I know that must hurt you, but he is only seventeen too-’
‘It kills me. Not just for my sake, but for hers. And if he does that to me, he will prove that he does not love me and I will be done with him. So, until he proves that he will not, becoming a plantation owner is just one more skeleton of a dream to add to the coffin that I’ve put all of my other hopes in to rest in peace- along with motherhood, marriage and true love- and it will remain there until resurrected by my freedom! So speak not of islands, because they don’t exist to me right now, all right? I don’t believe in them! I can’t afford to!’
‘Lark-’
I held up a finger. ‘I don’t want to live my life being haunted by what could be, anymore Atticus, so I don’t want to have a political power pow-wow with you, or Elbert Yael, because it’s just rattling chains.’ I didn’t add that there was a chance that my freedom could come early, and deliver me to Pacifica, but that was a wish too dear to me to risk by speaking aloud. ‘And I’ll not put stock in another man’s word again- only his signature- and none of you can sign anything to me until I’m twenty-one, so you are wasting your time when you should be enjoying the party...’ I gestured to a Companion I did not recognise as she sidled by in a platinum Janiel-coloured toga. ‘And all the pretty party favours on offer!’
‘Lark-’ Atticus moved in to embrace me but I held up my arms, caging him out.
‘Don’t,’ I said, my voice hitching as I remembered the way that Yael’s persona had shifted from kindly grandfather figure, to predator. ‘Every time a man calls me Lark and touches me, he ends up killing something inside me after and right now, I still like you so don’t become another murderer, all right?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Atticus said, holding up his hands and looking contrite. ‘But hear me out, please? For starters, I’m gay and have no interest in the pretty party favours on offer here, secondly, I don’t support the Companion system at all, and thirdly- I care about you and support Kohén’s need to change the marriage laws for the nobility, because I would very much like to marry Jovi, all right? So I’m on your side here.’
‘Really?’ I stared at him, mind reeling. He wanted to marry Jovi? Was that why he had sulked over the crown making him accompany Kohl across the ocean? If it was, then Kohl had one less reason to feel slighted, and I had one more reason to like Atticus.
‘Really,’ the Prime Minister said, eyes shining though he still looked more than a little alarmed. ‘Though I don’t blame you for assuming otherwise, given the circumstances.’
‘Thank you,’ I whispered, instantly abashed. ‘And I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. I had no idea that I was this person, you know? So emotional...’ I sniffled, then wiped a tear from my eye. ‘I was trying to be hard and smart like Martya, but…I don’t know if I was ever that hard or smart. Some days, I don’t even know who I am anymore.’
‘I know who you are, Larkin,’ Atticus said, lowering his arms and clasping his hands together. ‘You’re brave, intelligent, stubborn-’
‘Stubborn is right,’ I looked him in the eye. ‘So here’s one thing I can tell you and know for certain; if I go to Pacifica as Kohén’s favourite instead of Kohén’s true love, as he has declared me to be, I will be going as a whore, and not as a farmer.’
Atticus’s eyes flared with alarm. ‘You’ll just give up?’
‘No, I’ll give IN- to their true training,’ I said flatly. ‘I’ll drink, I’ll dance- rather poorly- I’ll drape myself in jewels and I’ll loll about on the beach and work on my tan just like all the others… and just like all the others, I’ll invest in pretty underwear not land, and I’ll not lift a finger to help this kingdom beyond tickling his balls, if he so commands.’ I looked back at Kohén as I wiped away another tear, and his perplexed expression turned into one of fear and then, something else- something determined and intense and beautiful.
That look- that look he’d promised not to give me, was like pounding on my heart and activating a little kick pedal to drum against my sickened stomach. And when he turned and put down both of the drinks that he was holding on the fireplace mantel as though to pur
sue me, I panicked. I couldn’t have a scene with him too, not now!
‘No Larkin, I won’t hear of such a waste!’ Atticus insisted. ‘There must be something I can do or say to imbue good feelings within you regarding your future, please. Tomorrow night-’
‘How bad do you want me farming for you?’ I hissed more quietly, keeping one eye on Kohén as he attempted to wrangle himself out of Kelia’s embrace and then, Yael’s, who caught his sleeve and tugged him back to whisper something into Kohén’s ear. ‘Drunken tears and all?’
‘Frankly? Now that I’ve heard what Elbert Yael is prepared to offer you based on the discussion you two have had prior to this night...’ he smoothed down the front of his jacket, making his little metals tinkle and stood taller. ‘There’s not much I wouldn’t do to get you on side Larkin.’
‘Good. Then here are two jumping off points to start negotiations… and imbue good feelings within me, regarding you,’ I said gripping his wrists and speaking quietly. ‘Firstly, I won’t be going anywhere near Pacifica unless Kohl Barachiel is acknowledged by you with a title the SECOND that he is freed from his contract.’ Atticus’s eyes widened, but I hurried on. ‘He deserves it, and you know it, and if you are opposed to the Given cast, then prove it to me, by making him an exception to the messed up rules.’
Atticus bit his lip. ‘I like the idea Larkin, and I have a lot of respect for young Kohl, but there are issues-’
‘I don’t care. You are a powerful man until Kohén turns thirty, unless elected out of the seat before then, and you know Kohl well. Despite the unfortunate timing of his birth or his so-called temper which for an aspiring farmer-’ I pointed to myself. ‘Well, manageable rainfall is a Godsend, okay? So not only is Kohl deserving of this, but he’s handy to me for the reasons that make him a loose canon to others, and I want him to be utilised in a way that will make him proud of himself! So- make him duke of this new island of yours or premier or whatever is within your power to make happen, and you will win my favour.’
The general groaned and rubbed at his face. ‘That’s quite a request, and one that will get me in a lot of trouble with Elijah and Kohén!’ he looked up at me. ‘What will you give me in exchange for such a thing, if you will not promise to come to the island too?’
‘My word that I won’t go to Yael,’ I said to him, enjoying the instant gleam in his grey-blue eyes. ‘Regardless of what happens to me and what Yael offers or where I end up- if Kohl is given a title when he is freed, I will refuse to assist your rival.’
‘Done!’ Atticus exclaimed, lightning quick, and my soul lifted. ‘Is that it?’
‘No.’ I released his hand and flicked one of his medals. ‘As far as everyone is concerned, this is YOUR request, not mine, got it? You’re the closest thing he has to a father- so act like it towards not just one poor third-born with potential but two- and you’ll win my trust as well which is not something I grant lightly.’
Atticus frowned again. ‘But why-’
‘If Kohén thinks I want Kohl in a position of power because I fancy his brother, and not just because it is the fair thing to do- you’ll start a pissing contest unlike no other and electricity and rain do NOT go well together.’ Atticus’s eyebrows shot up into one flat line, but I saw Kohén glare at Yael and then shake Kelia free- and then stride toward me and my heart began to stutter. ‘And the second thing is that I’m leaving- right now.’ I backed up as Kohén began to hurry toward me. ‘And if he follows me out of this room, while I am in this state because you can’t stop him, I won’t respect you as a leader, a senior OR a general, and you can consider me property of Yael- pending the will of a certain royal penis, that is!’ With that, I turned and fled from the royal penis.
‘Larkin! Where is she going?’ I heard Kohén hiss. ‘Atticus, let me pass!’
‘No Kohén,’ I heard Atticus say. ‘The lady is tired and wishes to go to sleep, and a gentleman respects a lady’s wishes.’
I flew out the door, my heart pounding, wiping the tears off my face and smiling when the last thing I heard from Kohén was a grunt of annoyance. I know it was un-ladylike of me, but I kind of hoped that Atticus had punched him, or at least stomped on his foot.
26.
Kohl was leaning against one of the far walls in the throne room when I ran out, half listening to Shep who was surrounded by a small congregation of drunken admirers, and though he looked concerned when I flew past him, he did not shout out to me or follow immediately.
His mother couldn’t contain her reaction though- her eyes went from me, to him and back again, and a gentle smile curved her lips; one of approval, at last, and it killed me to know that I had won some of her esteem only now that I was going to dash her and Kohl’s hopes both- for the next four years, at least.
I crossed the room and turned into the corridor leading to the north wing, slowing my steps only when I knew that I was out of sight. There was a small alcove across from our door under the staircase leading up to the royal quarters, which held a bust of Miguel Barachiel and a small chair. So when I heard Kohl’s footfalls enter the corridor behind me, I sidestepped into the shadows beneath it and waited, my heart pounding faster and faster with every step, which brought him nearer. How was I going to do this? What was I going to say?
‘Larkin…’ Kohl’s velveteen voice was little but a whisper but it filled the alcove and suddenly, he was wrapped around me and burrowing us further into the shadows. I gasped in his scent and crushed him to me in my arms, pressing my face into his neck and gently kissing the skin there. I moaned, feeling like one of those people with an insane craving for chocolate having their first nibble in months.
Starve yourself, and your sacrifice will provide him with sustenance that will last a lot longer than a kiss ever could!
‘You’re boiling hot,’ he whispered, lifting my hair off my neck. ‘And flushed red. What’s the matter? Are you sick? God you’re beautiful! You should wear your hair out like this all the time...’ He smiled ruefully. ‘Sorry- there are a lot of things that I’ve been wanting to say to you all day and now, they’re just bubbling out.’ He kissed my forehead and whispered. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too.’ I accepted the chaste kiss with a guiltily bowed head. ‘And I’m not sick, just intoxicated and anxious, and scared...’ I looked up at him. ‘We have to be quick and circumspect, all right? There are still Companions in there and they’ll be headed this way shortly. And Kohén’s probably going to try and corner me anyway so…’
‘I noticed that. What’s going on? That scene at dinner was something else! Mother told me that he hasn’t spoken to you since we left and yet tonight he was all over you like-’
‘He had another change of heart last week,’ I whispered, looking up into Kohl’s shadowy features. ‘Not like usual- we’re not all palsy again or anything, and he’s still keeping his distance but… but…’
‘But what, Lark?’ Kohl asked, frowning down at me. ‘You’re unwillingness to let me hold you following his change of heart is scaring me into believing that perhaps your heart has also changed.’
It hadn’t- not one little bit since Kohén had first hugged me, and that was the problem; I’d never know if what I felt for him was true love, or true loathing, until I was able to distance myself from the situation and examine my feelings closely and without bias. I curved my fingers around Kohl’s shoulders and squeezed him hard. ‘We have to stop, okay? All of it. The letter writing, the books, the embraces…’ I sniffled and stepped back. ‘Tonight- now.’
Kohl looked thunderstruck. ‘You don’t want me anymore?’
I shook my head and stroked his hair back, smoothing the strands which had slipped free of his tie. ‘That’s not it. But I can’t have you, not yet- not in any way that he doesn’t get to have me... and that includes in my hopes and dreams, Kohl.’
‘What?’ his complexion had paled in contrast to the shadows. ‘No!’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘But we can’t go on
like this. We can’t keep hoping for a life that we may not get!’
‘But we could get it!’ he insisted. ‘And physically, I haven’t gotten anything from you that is his-’
‘Yes you have, because you’re taking me over!’ I hissed. ‘My heart beats for you, my lips burn for yours, my body…’ I pressed my hand to my heart. ‘I can’t make love to you, but I breathe you in so that I can feel you inside me, and that’s wrong, okay? Maybe not by the rules but ethically, it’s cheating on him.’ His lower lip began to pooch but I shook my head. ‘No, don’t be hurt, please! I want you so much that I can barely stand it… but that’s why we have to stop! I’m being tempted by the very devil who hovers by the fence, Kohl, and I won’t see what we have become something illicit that we are punished for- which is exactly what’s going to happen if we stay on this road!’
‘What road?’
‘This hopeful one! This secret one! We’ll be overcome by temptation if we keep regarding him as a villain and ourselves as an ‘us’ behind his back, and you know it!’
‘I can stop myself from veering off the road and into temptation,’ he insisted, eyes bright. ‘But I can’t NOT touch you at all! I can’t stop myself from dreaming and praying and wanting, Lark, and neither can you!’
But I shook my head, because I had a new hope for him now- of seeing him elevated from his caste and I wouldn’t risk a single chip of his future by gambling it against my ever-changing hand. His life had to come before our life, just as I wanted Kohén to put my future ahead of the one that he dreamed of for us.
‘I can’t resist the temptation, Kohl,’ I whispered, and his eyes flared with heat, proving just how easily the conversation could end up becoming an exchange of lustful grunts rather than words, despite how determined he was to play by the rules. ‘The more forbidden something is…’ I hugged myself so that I wouldn’t start tearing my clothes off. ‘You men aren’t the only one with urges, you know, and mine are getting stronger and stronger, as are my feelings- and as is my fear! Right now…the need to kiss you is...’ I pressed my fingers to my lips and cringed, looking away. He looked so gorgeous in his crisp white shirt, grey slacks and silver silk sash that my fingers tingled to tear off his buttons and run my hands around the slab of warm muscle beneath, and my chest constricted with every breath inhaled laced with his delicious aroma. ‘God…’