by S. K Munt
‘Oh, Larkin me too…’ he moved toward me, but I yelped and backed around Miguel’s marble head.
‘Don’t touch me, please,’ my voice broke, and he stopped. ‘I’m weakening, Kohl, and I’m scared. Your mother thinks that I am the product of an affair between my mother and a dark Nephilim, and though I don’t want to believe it- I think that she’s right.’
Kohl’s eyes widened. ‘Why would you think that? Why would you believe a word that that witch says?’
I cringed to hear him refer to his mother in such a way. ‘Because that’s what my own mother told me, just before she tried to kill me-’
‘Say WHAT?!’
‘The man I said I saw that day at the fence… he wasn’t a hallucination. He was there, Kohl, and he was my father and I know this, because I’ve seen him since- several times, and so has your mother!’
‘Christ, Larkin! This is an astounding revelation- and an awful one! We have to find him and-’
‘We can’t. He’s a ghost, I think, and chooses whom to show himself to. He has to be dark in origin to linger with so much malevolence after death, but he must have been weakened by his mortal life, because not only is he not strong enough to will himself back to corporeal form, but he was not strong enough to pass any of his power onto me... not even so much as a spark of electricity to defend myself with, or whatever remnant I might have inherited of whatever power he did have.’ I wet my lips. ‘But he’s there, so the only way that I can keep him out of our lives and out of this reality, is to keep him out of my head and heart, by turning to the light and away from his influence!’ I pulled on his collar. ‘Telling you all of this is going to make that even harder because the less people who allow their thoughts to dwell on him, or their eyes to search for him the better- but I am doing so, so you understand that I was born with a soul that can be easily corrupted! And if we’re ever to know love together, or at all, I need my conscience to be clear and my heart with God, Kohl!’ I cupped his jaw and stared deeply into his eyes, pleading with him to understand. ‘And wanting you… missing you, resenting Kohén on your behalf and despising Karol for the deal I made that may not even come to pass if Kohén keeps me or he is married off first… it’s darkening me- I can feel it.’ I released him and stepped back. ‘Besides, even if I didn’t care about any of that stuff, I do still have feelings for Kohén, so resisting temptation aside- uniting behind his back in any way is unkind.’ I swallowed. ‘I could allow myself to be raked over the coals for sleeping with Karol out of obligation, but I will not be caught out with you and make Kohén feel the double-edged blade of betrayal by the two people who he loves the most!’
‘He deserves to be betrayed by you,’ Kohl pointed out, his expression grieved, but more sober now. ‘By both of us.’
‘Perhaps he does, but I cannot be the one to inflict such a punishment upon him, and I will only hurt myself more if I do. And I don’t think you want to be in that position either, do you?’ I searched his gaze. ‘You must still love him!’
‘Of course I do,’ he said to the floor, then looked up at me: ‘But I love you more.’
‘Then help win my heart for God, by encouraging me to keep my thoughts as pure as our actions have been,’ I said, and his face twisted in anguish. ‘I love you too, Kohl, but he has always been the centre of my universe, and I don’t think I could survive a life without his friendship at least, and I know I would hate myself if I was the reason why you two were ripped apart permanently- and that will happen if he finds out about us!’ I pulled on my hair, dismayed when his beautiful blue eyes filled with tears. ‘Please, God, don’t cry! I need you and your white feathers guiding me here Kohl, for I am not strong enough to do it myself!’
‘How can I not break down, while you are breaking me?’ he asked in a gravelly voice. ‘When it is clear that you still love him as much as you love me if not more despite all he has done?’
‘Because you are an angel,’ I sniffled. ‘Please understand- I’m not making this decision because I plan to run straight into his arms. I’m making it so it’s the LAST decision that I have to make for four years- until it is my right to decide what I truly want. Yes he has hurt me, but I am running from him as a jilted lover- forgetting the fact that our friendship is a separate entity to our contractual agreement because HE was kind enough to treat me like a friend- and that has not changed.’ I sniffled again. ‘I have called out to Satan so many times in my grief over him and yet it stands- nothing he has done to me as a lover can ever negate all the good he has done for me as a friend!’ I grasped Miguel’s marble head tightly so I wouldn’t scalp myself. ‘So by promising my future to his twin and forbidding him from discussing one with me, I’m not only being a bad friend and a poor employee… but a manipulative woman, even if that’s only in my eyes, and I can’t live with that either! And what’s worse is that you’re so hell-bent on fighting for me that you’ve rolled over to your own future, and that isn’t right either! You need to leave yourself with options and chase your own dreams!’
‘Why? You’re the only thing that I want!’
‘Because it’s dangerous to count on what we feel for one another amounting to anything real!’ I cried. ‘It’s putting all of your eggs in one basket, and that basket is in other people’s hands and completely out of ours! What if Kohén brands me in gold on my twenty-first, and keeps me here forever, huh? What if he gets wasted at the ball on Saturday night and seduces me then? It could happen at any point between now and the time I am slated to be released, and if that does happen, you’ll be left with nothing! ’
‘I won’t want anything without you anyway!’
‘But your people will still need you, Kohl! Especially if your twin proves himself to be a man who cannot keep his word, and a scoundrel like Karol! Will you let him have the Pacifican crown and me too, when you know, deep down, that you could do just as good or better with either or?’
‘No one wants me to rule!’
‘I do!’ his eyes glowed fiercely, and I bit my lip and knotted my fingers, wishing that I could tell him about what Atticus and I had just agreed on. ‘Not more than I want you for myself, I must admit, but you don’t have to be a king to be a leader! If you study hard- harder than you ever have before and best Kohén’s score in the exit exam, well, that will change something, won’t it?’
‘Christ…’ Kohl turned away and tore his fingers through his hair, but I knew he was hearing me and like me- trying to shut the hope out, only his future only had to be as bleak as mine so long as he tethered it to mine, and if he would not cut the rope lashing us together, then I had to. ‘Lark-’
‘No Kohl, I’m right and you know it. Maybe you’ll end up as a mayor with a city of your own, like your uncle’s son, Paider, in Rabia, and you could make a difference for kids like us that way, because you’re a fighter- a champion for the third-borns! Or maybe your dad will drop dead and there will be a third crown up for grabs again, or maybe Karol and Kohén will get hit by a flying trunk of gold pieces tomorrow and lapse into a twenty-year coma on the harem floor-’
Kohl snorted and glanced back at me to smirk. ‘You think that’s possible?’
‘I think that I may be the one to do it!’ I joked, and he laughed but looked away again. ‘Look…’ I sighed softly once more. ‘We are young, and passionate and have conviction- but we are not capable of telling the future,’ I said softly. ‘Anything could change, and until I am free of this place and his grip on me, waiting to start a future with me is like treading water in quicksand and I cannot let you go on this way for another day, when you have the potential to be so much more, than my love! And especially not at the risk of my soul!’
Kohl looked up at the ceiling and blinked back tears. ‘I hear what you are saying yes, but Christ…’ he scratched at his head. ‘I’m afraid, Lark. I’m afraid that you will fall in love with him again if I pull back further than I already have.’
‘So am I,’ I confessed, and his eyes spilled over. ‘But can you c
onceive of what he’s going to go through, if I do not?’
Kohl stared at me. ‘Are you insinuating that his feelings should be made a priority over mine?’ he asked, looking pained. ‘Or that he loves you more than I do?’
‘Can you tell me that he does not?’ I stepped forward and took his hand. ‘I bounce back and forward between believing that he might, and believing that he hates me so violently, that my vision is too blurred to see anything with clarity now, least of all him. But you- you are his other half, and you are removed from the situation so tell me, please… when you look into his eyes, what do you see? A horny, power-drunk teenage boy who wants only what he cannot have, or the little boy who wrote letters to you about his soul-mate, still?’
Kohl shook his head. ‘You can’t ask me to answer that! That’s not fair! I barely know him anymore and of course I want to say no to win your heart-’
‘Your feathers are too white to lie,’ I whispered, ‘so tell me the best truth you know, and I will believe it. You are good and kind and honest and you are his match, so if you can look me in the eye and swear that you love me more than he does, then I will believe you.’
‘What?’ he looked distraught. ‘That’s not a fair thing to ask of me, Larkin. I’ve already thrown you to him once for the greater good- do not ask me to do it again now that I’ve become so disillusioned regarding his character!’
‘But you’re my guardian angel, and I need your guidance!’
Kohl gave me a sour look. ‘Well… there’s that manipulative streak you hinted toward having…’ and I laughed, then sniffled, wiping away more tears.
‘Guilty as charged,’ I whispered. ‘But you don’t have a manipulative streak, Kohl so please… advise me fairly and true.’ I clasped his face in my hands and turned it down to mine, and he closed his eyes and trembled. ‘Kohén’s feelings for me have possessed me since I was a little girl- in a way that that contract could not. I have had chances to leave, and I have turned them down, believing in the good in him, and he has had multiple chances to use me and he has not. So I am hesitant to sabotage this flawed thing that he and I have- even for something as perfect as what you and I could have- out of loyalty and gratitude alone.’ I rubbed his eyelids with my thumbs so that he would open them, and he complied. ‘But if I am completely wrong in believing that he is a good man, then I need you to set me straight. And not just for my sake, but his too! Because if you truly believe that he will ruin me, then he will be ruined as well, and so if you can stop that now by meeting my gaze and telling me to give up on him and get the hell out, I will do it, for him, for you AND for me.’ I sniffled as he groaned. ‘Please, okay? Just tell me if I could be his soul mate still. Are they not enough for him? Has he ruined all of them, even Kelia, only to succumb to me anyway? Is his word easily broken? Does he look at me with more contempt, than love?’
‘No.’ Kohl shook his head. ‘No, I don’t believe so.’ He opened his eyes and gripped my elbows. ‘But I can’t say that he loves you more than I do, either!’
‘Then tell me you would have loved me more in his place,’ I said. ‘Tell me truly, that if your positions had been reversed, and you kept on as second in line, you would not have made his mistakes, because your love for me would have overcome your temptation to have me in your bed.’ Kohl's eyes fluttered shut again, and he moaned softly. ‘Tell me that I owe him nothing, least of all a chance for redemption!’ I pressed. ‘Tell me that you would not only have left me unmolested, but all of the others too! Tell me that you would have been strong enough at thirteen to make the promise that he made me, and to have kept it for these last four years.’ I kissed the tip of his nose. ‘Tell me that stroking me with a flower would be enough, if I gave you permission now, to explore me with your hands.’ My heart was pounding, my skin burning. ‘Look at me, and tell me that you want me to have my freedom more than you want me.’
Kohl’s eyes opened and they were neon blue. Breathing through parted lips, his fingers traced along my shoulders and an agonised expression contorted his handsome features. ‘Larkin…’ he whispered. ‘Please…’
‘Shall I offer you a peek of what he has resisted?’ I whispered, moving my own fingers toward my shoulder strap and pushing it to the side. ‘Will that offer you clarity?’ I slid the fabric down further, and his breath seemed to catch in his chest and swell him.
‘No!’ Kohl spun away in a whir of blue light, and I stumbled back, almost knocking over the squat statue. ‘No, I would have ruined you first!’ he gasped, bowing to one knee, and outside, thunder rumbled. ‘I am not as strong as he! I am more like Karol when it comes to temptations of the flesh…I cannot even promise to make it through the next few minutes without taking you to keep you, now that I fear losing you, if I don’t!’ he turned back to me, looking tortured and beaten, and I felt it inside my chest because part of me had been praying that he’d denounce Kohén and free me of his twin’s thrall.
What if no one can love me with a pure heart? What if the ghost of romance that I’m chasing, is as incorporeal as my father?
‘Really? ‘I could barely get the word over my lips.
‘Really,’ he whispered. ‘But I can promise you, that you would have been the only one, and that I would have spent the rest of my life making it up to you.’ He swallowed hard, and my eyes misted. ‘You and your golden brand.’
I sobbed. ‘You would have…?’
‘On the night of my sixteenth?’ he shook his head, looking guilt-stricken. ‘The way you looked under those lights darling… I would have trapped you like the firefly that you are, and would never have let you go, even after just that one kiss.’ He sagged back against the wall. ‘I’m sorry, but it’s true.’
‘Don’t be sorry,’ I sniffled, wiping at my tears and trying to smile at him. ‘That was sort of romantic.’
‘But mostly psychotic,’ he corrected me, wearing a wry, watery smile. ‘And it speaks volumes about a Barachiel man’s sense of entitlement.’ He waved me away. ‘So go, Larkin… before I change my mind and decide to fight for us again.’
‘See?’ I whispered, adjusting my dress once more. ‘You are an angel.’
Nodding, Kohl dragged his hands down his face and appraised me morosely between his fingers. ‘Four years,’ he whispered. He sighed and shook his head and I agreed- it felt like forever away. ‘If he doesn’t make it, send me word and I will come for you. And I don’t mean when you are twenty-one, either- but the moment that you suspect that he is reaching for the brand to steal what no man is entitled to- write me and I will break every bond I have to this forsaken place and liberate you.’
I pressed my hand to my heart. ‘That I can promise you.’
Kohl smiled. ‘Then go,’ he said. ‘I believe that there is a meeting of leaders upstairs… and if I cannot walk through that door with my head high, then how can I ever hope to break it down?’ he bit his lip. ‘You really think I could be a ruler-’
‘It’s the only thing I’m certain of,’ I whispered, and his answering smile was brilliant. ‘Go now, and tell me all about it tomorrow... my dear friend.’ I kissed my ring, and he his talisman, and then I opened the door to the north wing and slipped inside.
‘Aloha, princess.’
The click of the door shutting between us triggered a cramp inside my chest, but when I looked down at the floor to wipe tears from my cheeks- I saw it: a single, tiny white feather lying there. It could have come from Adeline’s hairpiece, or Lette’s scarf but I did not care how it had come to be- only that it was mine for the taking. I bent down and picked it up and kissed it before walking down to my room, smiling to know that my father would not be drawn to Eden’s walls this night- not by my wicked thoughts anyway, and certainly not by my joyful tears of surrender to my destiny!
27.
I awoke to find a beautiful new gown hanging from the hook behind my door, and because I was safely alone with no one within earshot to judge me, I let out a rare girlish squeal and made a beeline for it, taking it
off the hanger, holding it to myself and waltzing around the room.
‘Toga free day!’ I rejoiced, bowing to my reflection in the mirror before bolting to the bathroom. ‘See? Do the right thing and God smiles on you!’ And then I laughed, because I’d known this day was coming for weeks so my act of releasing the bonds between Kohl and I the night before had had absolutely nothing to do with my turn of fortune.
But I was in a good mood for once and despite all of the trouble I’d caused, was fairly certain that I’d earned at least one day to be silly, and this was going to be it. The parade! The speech! The picnic on the common… and a new dress! I was getting out of Eden and that was exciting enough, and even though the new dress was as white and almost as revealing as everything else I’d ever been forced to wear there, it was different and I would feel different in it so, waving it above my head like a flag, I ran to the shower. ‘This is going to be the best day ever!’
I showered quickly, taking time to wash and then dry my hair carefully and after I’d blown the dampness out of it, decided to go out on a very skinny, fragile limb by attempting to curl my hair. I had a whole bunch of gadgets to help me do so in my drawers (I never used anything in the drawers except for the topmost one which held my toothbrush, moisturiser and soap) but the only things I trusted myself to use were the fat hot rollers. I plugged them in and applied some light make up while I waited for them to heat; a light base, some peachy blush, a few generous coats of mascara and finally a coral lip-gloss. I glanced at myself from every angle after, stressing both that I’d look overdone for me, and underdone compared to how the other girls were bound to look- but I was far too intimidated by the strange girl peering back at me to look for long, so when the light came on the curlers (it took a very long time, telling me that the solar power generator in our wing was being tapped dry that day!) I welcomed the distraction and decided that I didn’t give a fig how I looked, so long as I looked like I’d tried a little.