Dare to Love Again

by Julie Lessman

  He winced. “Look, Miss McClare—”

  She halted him with a hand in the air. “No, you were right—I was both dumb and lost, at least when it came to affairs of the heart, but not anymore.” Her chin rose along with the steel quality of her tone. “I have no illusions about my future, Mr. Barone—it no longer rests in the hands of a man, but in the heart of this school, teaching young women to be as self-sufficient as I hope to be.” She blinked several times as if to clear moisture from her eyes, but those full lashes only sent a track of tears scurrying down her cheeks. Lips trembling, she took a feisty swipe at her face. “Your efforts tonight, no matter how reluctant, are the first steps in making that possible.” Her voice broke on what sounded like an unwanted heave, paralyzing him with the intensity of gratitude in those glossy green eyes. “And for that I will always be grateful.”

  He stood motionless except for the hard shift of a knot in his throat, not sure what to say. “I’m . . . glad I can be of assistance, Miss McClare—it’s my pleasure.”

  A grin lit her beautiful face, tears and all. “No it isn’t, but it’s gracious of you to lie.”

  He grinned. “It would have been a lie before, but not now.”

  “I’m glad,” she whispered, a gentleness stealing across her face that reminded him of her mother. “And, please, call me Alli. I now consider you a friend to whom I owe a great debt.”

  “If you agree to call me Nick and not those other names crowding your brain.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Does this mean I’ve seen the last of your stick, I hope?”

  Her laughter did funny things to his stomach. “No promises, Mr. Cranky Pants,” she said with a spry jaunt to the door, turning to give him a smile that sent a warm chill all the way to the soles of his feet. “Although come to think of it, I now know jiu-jitsu, don’t I?” She wiggled her brows.

  He laughed, peering up as he rolled the mat. “You forget I know it too, Miss McClare.”

  “Alli,” she whispered, her smile as gentle as her voice.

  He slowly rose, mat tucked under his arm. “Alli,” he repeated, the very taste of her name on his tongue giving him pause. Another chill slid through him, only this one blew ice cold, rife with warning as alarm curled in his stomach. “Get changed and I’ll walk you home.”

  Her eyes brightened. “Oooo, can we take the cable car?” she breathed, looking so much like Lottie when she wanted to help trim the bushes that he didn’t have the heart to say no.

  “Sure. As long as I don’t lose my supper.”

  She squealed before she disappeared around the corner, leaving him alone with his thoughts and an awful dread that slowly churned in his gut. The memory of their near-kiss weeks ago flashed in his mind like an unwelcome threat, and he felt the kippers he’d had for lunch begin to rise in his throat. He dove for the bag of animal crackers in his pocket, pelting the total contents into his mouth to settle a stomach—and a heart—that was moving way, way too fast. “Blue blazes, I hate motion sickness,” he muttered, stomach cramping over the prospect of something he desperately wished to avoid. He expelled a shaky breath.

  And for once, he wasn’t talking about the blessed cable car.

  13

  You’re awfully chipper for a competitive person who hates to lose,” Cassie said with a sly smile, eyeing Alli over the chessboard in the parlour. She moved her queen to capture Alli’s pawn. “Especially with a sister leaving for Europe tomorrow for almost a solid year.”

  Alli glanced up, the reminder that Meg was to complete her senior year in high school as an exchange student in Paris suddenly sapping her smile. “Thanks for popping my good mood,” she said with a scowl, dinner roiling in her stomach. “I’m going to miss her something fierce.”

  “Me too,” Cass whispered, “but at least she’ll be back at Christmas for the wedding, right? And honestly, Al, as difficult a year as she’s had with all her girlfriends acquiring beaus, I think Paris will be good for her, don’t you?”

  “Absolutely.” Alli stared hard at the chessboard, but all she could see was Meg’s tear-stained face whenever she’d been snubbed at parties of so-called friends in the social elite.

  “Checkmate!”

  Alli’s mouth gaped into a smile. “How in the world . . . ?”

  Cassie leaned in to cross her arms on the table. “One of the basics of chess, Al,” she said with a lift of brows, “one must be present to win—mentally as well as physically.”

  “Is it that obvious?” Alli grated her lip, smile sheepish.

  The twinkle in her cousin’s eyes turned tender. “Oh, no, honey,” she said softly, affection lacing her tone as she squeezed Alli’s hand. “Not to someone who’s deaf, dumb, and blind.”

  “Oh, you are such a brat,” Alli said with grin, tossing Cassie’s hand away while her eyes flitted to where her mother and uncle played cribbage by the hearth. “So I’m a little distracted—”

  “A little?” Cassie sagged back in her chair. “Goodness, Al, I could have been playing blindfolded and still won. Not to mention your not batting an eye over losing, and this from a notorious sore loser who usually barricades herself in the kitchen, commiserating with a batch of Rosie’s cookies.” Her green eyes honed to a squint. “You’ve been in a happy fog for a couple of weeks now, and if I’m not mistaken, it appears to coincide with your first lesson with Mr. Barone.”

  “Hush!” Alli sputtered, gaze darting to make sure Mother and Uncle Logan were still focused on their game. She leaned in, nervous that Cassie’s voice might carry in a room far too quiet with everyone else upstairs cheering the boys on in a billiards competition. “My distraction has nothing to do with Nick, and if it does, it’s simply because I love jiu-jitsu.”

  “Ah . . . it’s ‘Nick,’ now, is it?” Cassie teased. “So, no more sticks?”

  Alli chuckled. “No, no more sticks,” she said with an imp of a smile. Arms braced to the table, she bent in. “’Cause now I get to kick and elbow him instead, which is a lot more fun.”

  “I’ll bet.” Cassie’s grin faded into careful assessment, the levity in her eyes tempered by concern. “You like him, don’t you?” she whispered.

  “Of course I do,” Alli said quickly, ignoring the heat she felt creeping into her cheeks. “Nick is helping me to gain my independence, so we’ve agreed to be civil.”

  “Just civil?” Cassie’s tone was cautious with a hint of worry that Alli understood all too well. Cassie had been there when Roger had shattered her heart, offering comfort night after night while Alli sobbed herself to sleep. Even had to be restrained from sending Jamie—the Oly Club’s boxing champ four years running—to blacken Roger’s eye. A sad smile shadowed her lips. “Yes, just civil,” she fibbed, too scared to admit even to herself that civility with Nick Barone possibly posed a much bigger threat than their prior enmity had. She shivered. “I have no desire for anything more, trust me.”

  “None?”

  Alli hesitated, reflecting back on the day Nick had almost kissed her, not only stealing her voice, but her sleep for weeks after. She’d been caught off-guard by the desire she’d seen in his eyes, her skin shimmering with heat from the near touch of his lips. But she didn’t trust him—any more than he trusted her—and that was just fine. Preferred, actually, because Alli had no faith in that glorious tingle when she’d thudded into his arms. No trust in that catch of her breath when his eyes sheathed closed with a glaze of attraction that surely rivaled her own. No, she’d been there too many times and learned the hard way a tingle could be as deceptive as a diamond ring, gouging deeper than any cold and chiseled stone.

  Yes, Nick Barone provoked desire, but another far outweighed it—the desire to protect her heart, which was still badly bruised. And the desire to realize her dream of being the independent woman she so longed to be. Two things that would not happen if she let her guard down with Nicholas Barone . . . or with her matchmaking cousin. Her gaze flicked up to Cass, who was analyzing her way too closely, and wondered how to thro
w her off the scent without having to lie. After all, she had no desire to be romantically involved with anyone right now, right? “No, Cass, no desire at all,” she said with a firm lift of her chin.

  The green eyes squinted. “Well then, let’s just explore this a tad, shall we? When you say ‘no desire,’ you mean no desire for a relationship with a man right now, correct?”

  “Precisely,” Alli said, relieved she didn’t have to fib to a bottom-line cousin with whom she’d shared every secret since the age of two. Her jaw tightened. “Or ever, if I have my way.”

  Arms propped casually on the table, Cassie nodded, eyes studying the board. “All right, so no desire for a relationship.” Her lashes flipped up as her gaze pinned Alli to the chair. “But does that mean you have ‘no desire’ for Nick Barone either, as in attraction to the man?”

  “No . . .” Alli blinked. “I mean yes . . .” She scrubbed her face with her hands. “Oh, I don’t know what I mean because you’re confusing me.”

  The probing look dissolved into a sad smile. “And you’re confusing me, Al,” Cassie whispered, a trace of hurt in her tone. “You and I are sisters more than cousins, sharing everything all the way back to our cribs.” She reached across the table to grasp Alli’s hand, the intensity in her eyes piercing Alli straight through. “We tell each other everything, remember? And then we settle it with prayer. But I can’t do that if you close me out.”

  Alli swallowed hard, fighting the sting of tears that always accompanied the fears she harbored inside. Clutching her arms to her waist, she nodded. “All right,” she said quietly, “what do you want to know?”

  “Are you attracted to Nick Barone?”

  A heavy sigh shuddered from Alli’s lips. “Yes.”

  “Is he attracted to you?”

  Her eyelids weighted closed and instantly the memory of his near-kiss invaded her brain, spiking her pulse, warming her cheeks. “Maybe . . . or sometimes I think so . . .”

  “Why? A look? A comment? What?” In her typical no-nonsense style, Cassie wrangled the truth as easily as a steer on her father’s Texas ranch.

  Alli glanced up, her voice barely a whisper. “He almost kissed me.”

  Her cousin jolted straight up as if she’d been roped like one of those steers. “Thunderation, Al, and you didn’t tell me?”

  “Shhh!” Alli grabbed Cassie’s hand and jerked her close. “I was going to tell you eventually, I promise.”

  “When?” Cassie whispered in a near shriek. “After the wedding?”

  “Now, see? This is exactly why I didn’t say anything.” Steeling her jaw, Alli folded her arms, knowing full well where Cassie would try to take this piece of news. “Before I know it, you’ll have me married and pushing a stroller with triplets, Cass, and that is not what I want.”

  “And what do you want?” Cassie demanded, following suit to lean in on the table. Her brows arched high over eyes sharp with concern.

  Alli’s chin rose. “You already know my aspirations—I want to be independent and take care of myself. And become the best teacher I can to help poor women be independent too.”

  Cassie shifted elbows to the table, head propped on folded hands. “And marriage doesn’t factor in at all, I suppose?”

  An involuntary shiver swept Alli. “Absolutely not. A husband will only stop me from doing what I want, and I want to teach.”

  “Horsefeathers,” Cassie said with challenge in her eyes. “Jamie’s not stopping me from teaching once we marry . . .”

  Alli grunted. “Yes, well, Jamie’s not most men, nor did he stomp on your—” She stopped cold at the jag of her cousin’s brow, remembering all too well how many times Jamie MacKenna had, indeed, stomped on Cassie’s heart before the ring was on her hand. She blew out a weary sigh. “So, what’s your point, Cass?”

  “My point is, that yes, there are rats in the world like Roger Luepke, but you can’t let them control your life.” Her eyes softened. “You can’t let fear control your life because that’s all this is. You’re afraid to feel anything for any man, sure that each and every one is going to cut you to the quick like Roger, and sometimes even the good ones, like Jamie, did to me. But you know what I’m afraid of, Al?” A glint of tears sparked in Cassie’s eyes, reminding Alli of just how close their bond was. “I’m afraid the cousin I love like a sister—and the one woman I’ve always admired for her spark of adventure—will miss out on what God has for her because she’s too afraid to take a chance.” Moisture pooled in Alli’s eyes, and Cassie gripped her hand. “Look, all I’m saying is why don’t we just pray about this and let God lead you instead of letting fear do the job, okay? Who knows? Maybe the attraction you two feel for each other will lead to something wonderful.”

  A shaky breath quivered from Alli’s lips. “I’m not sure if Nick is even attracted to me.”

  Cassie arched a brow.

  “Oh, okay, maybe a little,” she said with a chew of her lip, “but he’s been wounded by love as much as I have, and I’m pretty sure he has no desire to pursue a relationship right now.”

  “And that’s fine if that’s the way God wants it to be. But . . . if there is supposed to be something between you and Nick, I gotta tell you—from where I’m sitting, he seems like a pretty decent guy. I’ve only known him a couple of weeks now, but he’s smart, hardworking, has a big heart with the kids, and I swear, Mrs. Peel reveres him like he’s related to the Pope. Let’s face it—the man has to be pretty special if a good woman like her is crazy about him. For goodness’ sake, he even goes to church with her and her brood every week, so he obviously has faith.”

  Alli’s lip crooked. “So did Jamie, as you recall, but you learned the hard way that his faith was pretty thin.”

  “Yes, I did, but we prayed about it and look—God and I got our man in the end, right?”

  Alli bent in, hands clenched white to the sides of the table. “Yes, but that still doesn’t mean Nick Barone is a man with the type of faith you and I both agreed we’d hold out for.”

  The firm lift of Cassie’s chin indicated her mind was made up. “All the more reason to address this situation with prayer so God can take it where He wants it to go.” She covered Alli’s hand with her own, intensity fairly shimmering in her eyes. “Look, Al, I love you and want you to be happy, so let’s just pray about it so you can unclench those fingers and let go, trusting God to fill them—and your heart—with the blessings He wants you to have, okay?”

  Expelling another wobbly breath, Alli nodded. “I’ll try.”

  “Good,” Cassie said with a soft smile. “You try and I’ll pray.”

  Clasping Alli’s hand once again, Cassie closed her eyes while Alli followed suit, her cousin’s quiet prayer reminding her of the deep faith their parents had instilled in each of them. A faith Alli had let slide when she’d discovered her fiancé was a fraud. Despite her many prayers for the right beau, Roger had managed to fool her and everyone else—from Uncle Logan’s neighbor who’d hired him as an apprentice at his winery, to the winery’s neighbors who had befriended him as well, including Uncle Logan. As handsome as Jamie, Roger had pursued Allison until she’d happily agreed to become his wife with a ring made of paste. Overnight, her trust in God became as artificial as the ring she’d proudly worn on her hand, no faith in His ability to keep her heart safe. And yet now, listening as Cassie prayed, Allison wondered if God hadn’t rescued her heart after all, allowing the sizable diamond in her ring to come loose. It had been that same loose diamond that prompted a trip to the jeweler where she’d discovered her ring was as counterfeit as her fiancé. Uncle Logan wasted no time investigating Roger’s past, and Alli had been shattered to learn that not only was Roger a fraud, but a man who was marrying her for her money while seeing other women behind her back.

  “And finally, Lord,” Cassie concluded, “please help Alli forgive Roger once and for all so she can move forward and experience all the blessings I know You have for her.” With a whispered “amen,” Cassie squeezed
her hand, head ducked to search Alli’s face. “Feel better?”

  Inhaling deeply, Alli exhaled again, realizing that the heaviness she’d carried around since Roger’s betrayal seemed lighter somehow. She peered up at her cousin through a blur of tears. “You know what—I think I do.” She swiped the moisture away, tone steeped in regret. “Oh, Cass, why did I turn my back on God when He was the very shelter I needed all along?”

  Cassie’s smile was tender. “Because betrayal makes us angry, Al, and we want to lash out. When Jamie betrayed me, I couldn’t rail at you or Aunt Cait or my parents, but I could rail at God, so I did—just like you. Both of us have put our lives in His hands from little on, and frankly, we expected Him to keep our hearts safe too. And in the end, He does, just like He did with Jamie and me, giving us both a love we never dreamed possible.” She feathered a stray hair from Alli’s eyes. “Just like I believe He wants to give you. But He never promised absence of pain, only that He’d help us overcome it. Remember last week’s homily? ‘In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.’ ” Wetness glimmered in Cassie’s eyes that matched Alli’s to a tear. “You’re an overcomer, Al, just like me, but neither of us can do it without Him.”