by F. Bradshaw
I quieted the fury inside and said playfully. “Out for an evening snack. Did you really think I was going anywhere?”
The vehicles came to a stop. Ryan was with the men. His face was still as though trying not to give anything away. However, his eyes had a look. The more places and situations we came into, the more he seemed to change. There was something behind his eyes. Something swimming into the mossy eyes.
“Well the other side of the ranch is where the stock is. You may hunt any of the cows or sheep there.” The man’s voice was gruff with a thick accent. He was a good ol’ county boy. He reminded me of my papa. I could smell the cows all over him. I imagine he was taking care of my prey. He was simple in dress with muddy boots and jeans and a flannel over shirt on.
“Thank you. I hope you have not gone to too much trouble. I do hope they can run.” I flashed my teeth to them with a strong reaction. They clinched their weapons ever so tighter. Their hearts picked up a beat or two faster and fear scented the air.
“I would rather hunt alone. You know to keep from mistaking any of you for a cow.” My voice was buttery smooth rolling the threat with a smile. Ryan made a movement with his hand, and they headed back to the house. He looked at me then headed off.
Who was playing whom? I watched them as they speed their little four runners back. Hunting. I can hunt alone. I was a fox trapped in a full hen house. How long would it be before I caught one of the hens? The other side of the ranch is where the game was. My moments were much swifter than my human ones had been. I caught a whiff of the cows with their hearts beating ever so faster as I got closer to them. Did they know I was not human? Could they smell the difference?
Before I realized my movements, a cow was down, and my mouth sealed across its throat vein. My arms wrapped around its neck. I bit deeper into it. The sweet taste filled my mouth. The cow’s heartbeat slowed to an even tempo. It was not afraid or panicked. My venom had an effect on it. I drank until there was nothing left. Its body lay at my feet motionless. So much warmth covering the inside of me was flooding my veins like a hot cup of tea. The needs and lust so uncontrollable I dropped the cow and surveyed what was left.
The heartbeats around me called me. “Take me! Take me!” How could I stop now? The kill was more invigorating than I thought it could be. The fresh blood was so warm and intoxicating. I moved to the next closest and sank into it. The warmth and feeling of its life in my hands was alluring. I was walking the edge of my own dark desires.
The feeling of being in control for once was what I always needed. Power over others taking their life just like Ash had done. Ash burned everything she touched my family, my life. Rage filled me thinking about her. Everything I gave up for her. Everything I let her take. “Snap” The cow’s neck had snapped under my hands. My hands were covered in its blood. I pulled my hand from the back of its neck sliding through the cooling tissue.
I licked off the flesh and blood from my hands. There would be many more nights like tonight. I had to believe that there would be or else there would be nothing left alive. I eased away from my victim. This is what a monster does. This is how a monster acts. You never see this side in the movies. They don’t show you the cost. It was one thing to drink from a bag not see death. It was another to be the hand.
This is one of those moments where humans decide that being a vegetarian is the best choice. Only I was being a vegetarian, I had not drunk or harmed a human. Well at least not since the one slip up. Ryan. I fell back to the blood soaked grass letting the warmth take over my body and stared at the moon. As I relaxed, I felt it. I felt the pull the memory coursing through jabbing into my skin like the needle.
I jumped up from my position looking for something or someone. Nothing. My happy moment fled from me, and something was there. I felt my arm, and there was nothing. Was it just a memory? The needle felt real. I tried to relax again, and hope to feel something, but there was nothing. I had to be reliving my own feeling and making them someone else’s. This is me, the crazy one. I officially must be crazy.
There is no one here in the middle of a field next to a dead cow, sticking me with an invisible needle. Maybe I don’t mix blood in the future. Maybe the cow did not sit well with the sheep. Mental note no cow after sheep. I walked back to the house. The warm brown melted into the surroundings. It was covered in a mixture of stone and stucco. It was large and garish. It was a one-story expensive house with large glass windows framed by steel. Tile roof was with the trees. They almost reached the top of the roofline.
This was new construction. The back of the house had a large patio that was covered. Is where they take all the ones like me before they kill them? I could see the binoculars looking out at me as they caught the glare of the full moon. I half hoped it was Ryan. Why was I still so attracted to him? Jane, think about Jane. He is after all with her. He smelled like her up until coming out here.
I walked up onto the porch. With a quick hustle, the men greeted me. What was I—the Queen or the killer? The look on their faces as I approached said killer. The smallest man, who was about my height, looked like he was going to vomit. I had not thought of my appearance. I was covered in blood from my mouth down to my stomach. Mud and dirt clung to my legs. My hands had dried blood trails up my arm and on the back of my hands.
Licking it off slowly the blood tasted cold and dead. This was nothing but a show for them. I wiped my thumb across my lip and sucked the flesh still embedded below the nail. The small one lost it, vomiting across his boots. The others tried to keep their composure. This was fun. I licked across my lips looking at them.
“Cow or sheep?” The voice asked. It was the good ol’ boy. His eyes looked into mine as though he was trying to see into my soul.
“Cow. It was very nice. Why?”
“Well I would like to get it cleaned up before anything gets to it.” His tone was calm and steadfast. No fear or reaction from him.
“I don’t think you can miss it, what’s your name?” I asked trying to be serious for a moment.
“Name’s Jake. I will be taking care of the animals once you” He trailed off not wanting to finish his sentence. It was a dirty word, I suppose. Kill.
“Well, the cows were simply delicious. I’ll let you know if I go back for seconds. You know how it can be with hunger. It never really leaves.” I purred as I walked past them into the house.
Glancing back at the small one, he turned pale, and his heartbeat pounded like a rabbit against his chest. Fear. I like it! I was not going to eat him, but I did love giving him the idea. I could play the monster card to them. Maybe if I played it enough, they would leave, or maybe I would stop thinking about it. Did I want to stop thinking about it? Did thinking about it make me less of a monster or just one trying not to be? A sound caught me as I walked past the bedrooms.
Chapter 10
Bubbling rush of water sounds flooded the space. I took a deep breath, breathing him in. Ryan. The taste of him caressed my mouth. The taste invited the memory of the feeling of his skin against my tongue. I could imagine the water running down him. The water would slowly move down from his face tracing his stubble, down across his strong jaw, trickling down his neck, going down his shoulder right where his neck and the shoulder met.
I wanted to taste him there. I could almost feel my mouth moving over his skin. Stop. I have to stop. I quickened to my room and locked the door. I put my back to the door sat down on the top step. I would not. I could not think about him. He is human. I let the darkness of the room envelope me. I steadied myself. I heard the rustling through the door, the water turning on in the kitchen filling a bucket to clean the floor. They were cleaning up the mess I had left. Mice to the rescue! No singing to get them to work.
My body settled into stillness. Something I rarely had felt. The sounds of the mice dulled and drifted from my mind. Did time pass? How would I ever know it? I moved my toes and could feel the thick mud hard against my cold skin. The warmth of my kills had left me. I needed to clea
n up. The blood was already dry and sticky. The smell was rancid to me.
I walked down the stairs and into the large standing shower. The white tiles looked like a soft grey illuminated by the night light. I shut the door and turned on the water. It was hot against my skin like a burning fire that did not sink in. The warmth seemed to stick to the outside of me. Water trickled through my hair drawing out the blood and down my body. I was unmoving under the new searing warmth. I was motionless under the searing warmth, and it sank into my flesh, and I felt alive.
My skin changed to a gray white. The blood withdrew from my view. They were like the hunger that lingered in them just below the surface. The warmth penetrated my skin to the bones. The pattering against my skin soothed me like rain. The sound was all consuming filling my senses and the death drained away.
As I breathed out trying to take the warmth into the lungs clouds of breath formed. It was like breathing on a cold day only in reverse. It made me think of home. Of my papa’s warm blue eyes looking at me while we sat on the porch with coffee in one hand looking out to the world. The memory of the stillness of a cold winter morning before school occupied my mind.
The water seemed like it would never run out of hot water. The mud and blood released me from their entombing embrace. My body was warm to the touch and warmth in my lungs. I dropped down to my knees in the shower. Don’t end! Don’t end!
The water streamed down my face and hands. It seemed to wash it all away. Could it really wash the blood from my hands? As the water started to cool, I turned it off. What did I have left? I sat back in the cloud of heat as it got cold again. Looking at my hands in the steam of cold darkness was still there just under the skin. It was under my skin. Could I ever escape it?
I grabbed a towel hanging up. The water dripped from my body slowly. The hospital scrubs I had been in all this time were still stained. I wiped across the mirror looking at it. I touched the towel to my face and attempted to scrub it all away. It was still there. I could feel the hunger, the darkness moving in me. Nothing could stop me. Looking at my clothes just reminded me that I was what they made. I ripped away the clothes. I needed to be free. No more blood! No Blood. Blood?
Looking at my naked body, I could see the changes that had occurred. The scars from the car accident were gone. I rushed my hands over my chest where the large gash had been. The feeling of the absence of the scar was weird. My body was thinner and more muscular. My skin was not as translucent. The warmer I was, the more pale human color I could get.
However, my lips did not turn to a reddish color. They were as black as the poison in my soul. I brushed the towel harshly against them like, but it did not remove the stain. I was still the new me. How much heat to change them? The darkness would never fade in me. There would be no release from it. My eyes still held nothing but blackness.
I walked from the bathroom straight to the closet. I opened the doors to see real clothes. No scrubs. Jeans hung perfectly with shirts. Who hangs t-shirts? The dresser next to the closet held pajamas, bras, and underwear. I took out a pair of pajamas that had “Bite me” plastered over the top and ass of them.
As I pulled the shirt over my head, a smell took me by surprise. They smelled like home. Looking at them more carefully I could see they were from home. The hole I had ripped in the bottom some time ago was on the right leg. They hung loosely around me, and I could see how much my body really had changed. On top of the dresser was a brush. My fingers ran along the bristles. How long had it been since I had brushed my hair? My hair was nothing but a rat nest. Steam radiated from my body.
The air in my lungs became just as they had always been cold and lifeless. I ripped through my hair pulling out the snags, snarls, and tangles. I sat the brush back down on the dresser and moved back to the bed to settle into the darkness. I was clean and free. Escape was not possible. I was still stuck here, but the darkness enveloped me and easiness washed over me. I lay on the bed, and the world floated away again.
The silence was there. I had not slept since the change. I rested and became immobile, but I was still awake. The feeling of death, the removal from me to somewhere else was what I felt. I felt dead when I did it. I am dead. I have been dead all along. Ryan like a black cloud crept back into my mind.
His eyes the savory green, the strong jaw, and his taste coated me. Stop thinking about him! God dam this! I just want it to end! Everything should just end! I just have to die for good. Who needed me anyway? The feelings washed over me again. I could feel someone in the darkness with me. Their body was coming closer to mine. I opened my eyes, but there was nothing there.
“Emily”
I knew someone was there. I heard them say my name! I tore the bed from the floor looking for someone under it. I ripped through the dresser and anywhere a speaker could be hidden but nothing.
“Emily stay”
Where was the voice? Who was the voice? Was I crazy? I could feel something, but I didn’t know what. What was there with me? My eyes searched the room for anything. I know I could not be this crazy. It felt like someone was there. The hairs on my neck stood up, yelling at me that something was wrong. The feeling was as if someone were inside of me. Could I just need some sleep? Was this a waking nightmare?
I breathed in the room slowly. I just wanted my bearing. I missed so many things. Was this the darkness I feared coming through? Would I kill a human? I will not kill any humans. I will not kill any humans. Maybe if I say it enough I will keep from doing it. The smell will not draw me in. His smell will not draw me in. There will be no temptation. Maybe if I think it enough and say it aloud it will be true. I moved and put away everything in its place. I was alone here but was I really alone? Did I really want to be alone?
Chapter 11
The heartbeats murmured in the room just above. The boys were sitting at the kitchen table I imagine having breakfast. His heartbeat, Ryan’s was not at the table. Why was I trying to find it? Stop! Stop now! I could hear it singing to me just above my bed. He had to be lying on the floor. Thump, thump, thump. The beats were even and smooth. My mouth began to water. Cow.
I am going to need to eat a cow maybe two. I need to get blood. Blood. God damn the fucking blood! I got up from the bed, went upstairs, and unlocked the door. Daylight flooded the room. They sat rigidly in their chairs. Thud. Thud. Their heart clamored faster. Fear laced the air and steeled their movements.
I moved toward the door and opened it slower this time. It was daylight now, and what would this unfiltered light do to me? I stepped tentatively out into the sunlight leaving the door open for a quick retreat if needed. In the sunlight, I became more transparent, and the black blood felt like it was thickening in me.
Hunger pulled at me more. What was I? I was a vampire, right? That’s why you drink blood and feel cold. That is why every part of you wants Ryan. I moved toward the grass again watching it bend and sway gracefully bowing to the breeze.
“Did you think you were going to catch fire?” His tone was a playful mockery of my situation.
I knew what I was doing was absurd. This was not a movie from the nineteen-fifties with an overly made-up vampire and a horrible accent. The name was easy to say. I was a vampire. Well maybe not a true movie vampire but I could do without the crappy accent.
“What are doing next? Do you want some holy water? I bet you would just get wet.” Ryan was trying to make up for yesterday. Maybe he was just trying to get a rise out of me, but then again I was trying just as hard.
“I vaunt to suck your blood.” I said in a cheap over the top vampire tone.
He looked at me with a smile, not just on his face but also in his eyes. Yesterday was yesterday. No pressure and no I am not going to get in that situation again. He walked out into the sunlight to stand near me, although not too close. I breathed him in hoping just to get a small whiff of the aftershave. I did not get what I wanted. She was all I smelled.
“Do I smell that bad? I took a shower this morning.” Instinct had
curled my face up. I would have to work on looking like a stone statue. He could, however, not tell what I found revolting about his smell.
“No, its not you, it’s the company you keep.” He was chipper this morning because of her. I had not smelled her in the house, so he had to have left to see her. I was annoyed, and he could tell.
“Who do you mean?” He asked but how could he not know. Who else could I have been talking about other than his ugly snake girlfriend, Jane? She was nothing but a Barbie. Now I was hungry and pissed off. The look I gave him told him to back the fuck off and I walked off. He was smart by not following. I inhaled as it called. Blood.
What shall I have today? Shall it be cow, sheep, or maybe something else? The choices seemed endless. There are wild animals here they said so as much last night. I could try to get one of them. That would be a real chase. However, in daylight, I don’t look like much and I don’t feel like I do when it is dark. Was the reason because you could see through me? If I were not wearing clothes could you see my insides in this light? Vampires cannot hide in daylight.
There is nothing to hide as the darkness oozes out of you like ink from a barrel. It is a part of you, and I don’t think I could ever get it out of me. The local sheep sounded tasty. They might be better and tastier if they were on the hooves. Cows were. I walked about as fast as a human. My body felt as though I was moving at a snail’s pace. How heavy the blood sacks must feel. The weights of their slow, languid movements were endless. Blood sacks were slow and always in a hurry. The taste of Ryan crept across my tongue. Think of them as humans, or I might make a mistake.
The sheep were not that hard to find. I could hear their “Baaas” all the way from home. I smelled the air as I approached them. It was ripe with fear. Intoxication set in. The more fear, the more my mouth watered. The boys had already made me crave it. I could feel myself licking my lips as I was only a few feet from them. Their coats were white and not fully-grown from their last shave. There were baby lambs among them. They smelled the sweetest. No babies! No babies!