by F. Bradshaw
It would be too easy to kill them. I could see so many sheep. It was like walking up to a wild berry bush. So many berries were just asking to be plucked. I did not have a pale to fill, just an empty stomach. I could see the perfect one—female, large, full, and robust. This lamb was young but not too young.
What soft fur you have. What a long nose you have. How good you will taste as I rip you open. Who is afraid of the big bad wolf? Instincts took control as I ran faster than the sheep could even think to move. This was too easy. I looked into its eyes and the sheep just stared blankly into mine. The coat tickled my face as I bit into its neck. It was frozen in fear.
I could taste the fear pulsing into my mouth with each beat of its heart. The other sheep? They were a different story, as they would not shut up. SHUT UP! I just needed them to stop crying. Sheep were not a good meal to be had around their friends. There was not going to be peace in this meal. I let go of the lamb having only begun to start drinking. I needed something that was a bit of a challenge.
I did not feel the release I had last night. There was no release or rush of warmth flooding my veins. Sheep are better in the bag than in practice. I could feel the blood as the sun warmed it on my face. It was beginning to become dry and sticky. I licked it off taking in the last of its lifelessness in me. Sheep were for baby vampires or weak ones. This wolf was not interested. I would take my huffing and puffing elsewhere.
The sun was getting higher. It was probably around noon. The heat of it seemed to make me colder and hungrier. The light around me made me squint. I need sunglasses. When I entered the house, I could see bags packed. Wow, we were going already. Maybe I should have bit him if only to stay a bit longer. Their faces held a stone façade of fear. They slowly rose to their feet.
“Going somewhere are we?” Not one of them moved just looked at me as if I spoke another language. The little one was holding his breath. Would he vomit already?
“No, the boys are just moving down to the workers quarters. They would feel more comfortable there.” Ryan spoke up for them. What were they asking my permission? Part of me wanted to make them stay, especially the small one, as I could have fun making him sick. I did not have to clean up the mess, so it was all fine by me.
“What do you need my permission or are you scared to be alone with me Ryan?” I was challenging him. I wanted to know if I did have any power over him.
“No, I was just explaining who was leaving, and before you ask I am not going with them. I don’t mind being alone with you. Do you mind?” Well played I must admit. He was not going to give ground to me.
“No. As long as they stay out of my way when I need to feed, I don’t care where they are.” I tried to look as though I did not care. “And, by the way, Ryan, you do smell!” I am acting like a spoiled child. He just looked at me and tried to take a quick sniff of himself hoping I would not see. The boys quickly grabbed their bags and headed out of the house. Did they really think I was going to do something to them?
“Well you are covered in dirt and blood again. I think we can assume that you need a shower as much as I do.” That sounded like an offer I could not refuse but I have to. I will not be involved with a human.
I let out a sigh and went toward my room. Darkness was my friend right now. It would be easy to lock him outside and me inside. He grabbed my arm as I passed him. His touch sent tingling through my body. His touch was so warm and inviting. The warmth spread through my cool skin as temptation called. I looked him in the eyes as I did the sheep. I wanted to see what was behind them. His smile was still there. Correction his smile from her was still there.
“I can smell that thing on you. Next time you go to see her, make sure to use industrial strength bleach to get the smell out.” I wanted to sound cold, not angry, and hurt. I was hurt. He had seemed to be so two faced. He made me feel like this, and then went back to her, as if I were nothing to him.
I was naked with him even when I did not want to be. I always trusted the wrong people. Ash and my family had hammered that home. I was nothing he had proven that as much as possible when Jane and I first met. In the elevator, or even when we were alone, it was Emily, but with Jane right there, I was Ms. King. I was nothing to him.
“It’s not what you think. Will you let me explain?” His voice pleaded with me. No, I cannot get involved with humans. Hate him. I must hate him. It will make everything so easy. I pulled my arm away and walked into my room slamming the door. “Please let me explain about Jane.” His voice called from the door.
“No, just leave me alone right now, or I will give you what you want, an early grave.” I could hear the darkness in my voice. His hand brushed against the door, and a soft thud hit the wall. What did he expect? What did I expect? I could not change what I am now, and or have always been.
Monster.
Chapter 12
That is what I am. I am a cold-blooded monster. This is why vampires live in the dark. No one can see through them. I wanted him and knew that I would either kill him or worse feed from him. Killing should be worse, but not in this case. I could turn him into something like me. Did I want someone like me? My body was still tensed from the argument.
I walked away down into my dark deep hole. My feet were heavy on the stairs. They creaked and bent as I smashed my feet down on them. He wanted her, and he could have her. I could feel the blood as it swept down my face. Tears were hard to miss when they are black. I walked to the bathroom. No light and I could see the tears as they fell.
Like bad mascara, it trailed over my cheeks and down my chin hitting the sink. Why did it have to hurt? Why could I just not turn it off? I don’t know him. I was falling into my old patterns. He had a girlfriend. He had someone he loved and cared for. I was nothing but a side project to see how far it could go. Yet even knowing so little about him, I felt a connection.
“You know you do this every time, Em. I told you once, and I will tell you a million times, no one is interested in you. They just want to get to me. It is sweet that you think someone would want you. Maybe if you I don’t know changed your look or something. Cover for me, Mark and I are going to a good party tonight. Look, I will help you find someone who is appropriate for you later. Just be the good sister and cover.” Ash always seemed to be right. She was the one that everyone wanted. I looked nothing like her. I just always picked up the pieces.
The shattering noise sounded like a fire alarm in a firehouse. Only this was just me in my room no emergency. The face looking back at me was wrong. The glass shards fell to the sink. I watched as the shattered pieces all seemed to still show the broken parts of me. I was broken and that was not new. I had been broken for a long time. Nothing can save a broken soul. At least nothing I can have.
The tears would not stop. I just wanted to be home like before. I climbed into the shower turning on the hot water. I needed to feel something. I craved the feeling of the warmth of skin, of flesh, of another. My body slid onto the shower floor. My arms crossed holding my insides together. I feared at any moment that they were going to fall out on the floor. I did not know him and yet I was drawn to him. I am just another pitiful girl who falls too fast and can’t let go when there was never anything to hold onto. Ash was right.
Who or what would want to hold this dead flesh? I was never going to go back to what I was. I was never going to be the same girl as before. That girl was dead. Zombie Emily died in the hospital to make me. Who made the zombie? Was it Ash’s choices or mine? The steam filled the room, leaving the air palpable. The cold dark air embraced me even as I tried to fight against it. I wanted warmth.
I wanted to give into my nature, to my desires. I wanted just to be warm and cared for. Blood warmed and thrilled me. I coveted something that could never be. I wanted him. I wanted what I could have been with him. We were different sides on different coins. I wanted to go back, go back to that day. I wanted to be the normal nervous girl unable to talk and utterly embarrassed, but alive. I wanted what could have been if I h
ad just moved forward.
That could never be. He could never be with the dead me. I had been dead from the moment I first walked in for the trial. I wish I were in some hole buried with nothing but myself. Let the darkness come. That is the way a vampire survives. They allow themselves be taken into the darkness, and to forget the stupid human emotions. I am not human anymore and yet I am still bound by human feelings. Could I really say I was dead? Dead don’t move or talk or feel anything.
I wanted to scream, to shout, and to tell the whole world to fuck off. Yet nothing came out but tears. Black cold dead tears. I had not heard the door or the stairs. The broken glass was a memory still echoing in my ears. There he stood at the shower door opening it. He climbed into the shower. Ryan was standing in the shower his bare feet proved it. I did not want to look up. He would only see the darkness. That is what he needs to see, but it would be the end of my fantasies. It would make things simple to let him see the darkness. He sat down on his knees attempting to pull my arms away from my body.
“Please look at me.” His voice had never sounded like that. It was soft not fearful at all. Blackness covered my shirt from my tears. If I looked up, I would be vulnerable. Could I let him see me with all my imperfections? Could he see me with my walls broken and crumbling? With no shield to protect me? I wanted to be the strong defensive girl as I had always been. The way Ash and the others taught me. I wanted to wipe my eyes and walk out head held high no sign of weakness.
Weakness gets your heart broken. Weakness would get him killed like all of the others. His arms wrapped around me holding me together. The hot water poured over us. His skin reddened from the heat. Weakness. Could I let him in or would he be like the rest? Ryan slowly brushed back my hair from my face stopping to hold my chin looking up at him. I tried to pull his hand free from me. His fingers met mine, so carefully and unrelenting. I wanted to let him in, but if I did, I would kill him. Maybe not at that moment but I would. There is only one way it could end. He dies, and I well I live undead as I would never turn him into me.
“Trust me. I trust you. There is something here, and I am not letting it, or you go. I am sorry.” His hand brushed against my cheek again thumbing the tears away. His breathing tensed for a moment, but he quickly caught his breath and steadied himself. I looked into his eyes. They held sadness. Was he sad because he was looking into the eyes of his killer?
The world seemed to still as the water rushed over our bodies. His fingers moved slowly up my hand to my wrist. He ran his thumb over my veins. The heat of the shower had warmed my blood, and I looked just pale. He could not see under my skin. Walls have to hold. Stop now! We were headed for danger… no, headed for death. I would kill him and myself at the same time. I know I am already dead, but I still have a soul. This would be the end of it. Would my heart ever beat again? Could I let it beat again?
Weakness is hard to show at least for me and yet my instincts told me to go for it. Was I Gretel going toward the house or was I the witch waiting for yummy plump little morsels? Who was the one that was the victim him or me? What would be the cost this time?
His scent wafted to me, and his heart called my name. The white tiles were slick and warm from the steam. My clothes clung to me like a plastic bag on a windy day. His jeans tightened, and the white shirt was now like my skin when cold, see-through. Thump.
His heart was singing to me as he pulled me closer to him. I could hear like the water pouring down on us, his blood moving through his veins. I knew he was sorry, but for what? For not stopping me in the elevator or continuing to help them? Did he want me to end it all for him right now? How much control did he think I had? Was a clock ticking a countdown to his last beat? I was the time bomb waiting to kill him. I was letting him see behind the mask, to enter beyond the walls.
We both were in an unguarded moment. Shadows could not hide me any longer. He pulled me close to him. Ryan invited me to him. He wanted me. Was he different? Could he be different? He was food, and yet there was more. He trusted me as I had trusted him. He sat back opening his knees pulling me to him. I would be the death of him and yet he still wanted me close to him.
I had not felt warmth like this in a long time. Ryan wanted to say more, maybe to say his reasons for sorry. I did not care. I did not want to hear it. He pulled me into his lap wrapping his arms around my back pressing me close. I enfolded my arms around him putting my forehead to his shoulder.
“It’s ok. You can let me in.” Ryan’s breath caressed my neck.
“I don’t think I can. I am only going to hurt you like everyone else.” I looked up to his eyes. He needed to see the truth there. “I always do, and now I can easily kill you. I want you. I want your blood. Don’t you get what I am? What I have always been?”
“Don’t you think I am sorry about that? I should have stopped you but my being here is not about trying to make it right. I can’t stay away from you. Your warm brown eyes haunted me from when we first met. The sadness in them made me want you more. I want to explain about everything. I want you. I have always wanted you.”
“I am a monster. Image is nothing. You can say that you want me you don’t know me. I don’t know me. This is my punishment. This is what I always was just now you can see it. I had done things and said things I can’t change. I killed people, and I destroyed lives before I became this version of a monster. You need-” His mouth sealed mine.
His lips were both forceful and tender. Desire engulfed me. My hands pushed into his hair pulling him closer to me. He grabbed me lifting me to be in his lap. I could feel his heart picking up in pace. Was this fear now coming into play, or was he nervous about letting a dead thing kiss him? I could taste his breath as pushed open my mouth. His tongue licked across the inside of my lips.
I took in breaths as he breathed out. Hours could have passed between us and we would not have known. How far could I go? How far could I let us go? Our lips touched forcefully. Both of us were trying to become a part of the other. I could feel his warmth pulse as the blood feverously rushed to warm his lips. My lips only cooled by the touch drinking him in. I was drawn into him. I kissed him more feverously as though this was the last touch I would ever have.
Chapter 13
The idea of a last touch hit me. Why should I have this? He pulled my body against his. His heart beat into my chest. Fingers embraced my shoulders and his arms secured my back. He was here with me. He wanted me. I looked into his eyes. His green tempestuous eyes looked at me. His body was a soft solid wall of warmth and desire. He said my brown eyes.
He was in love with the human girl, the human who was dead, and never coming back. Fuck it all to hell! He did not see me. He did not see the monster I am. My walls were gone. Everything about this was wrong and suffocating. I pushed away from him breaking the kiss. He reached his hands toward me trying to pull me back to him. I smashed them into the tub. Blood filled the air, and I could feel myself losing control.
Fresh
Human
Blood
My mouth watered as the smell filled the air. Nothing left to do. I was weak and helpless as he was. He tried to move under my grip, but I only pinned him down more. My will power was gone. I could not hold back. I wanted to taste him. No, I wanted to drain him. The smell of blood filled the air teasing me like a hot juicy steak cooked perfect after months of eating tofu. Do not look anywhere but his eyes. Do not look at the blood! The smell assaulted everything I had left.
“I am going to let you go, and you do not move an inch. Do not breathe. I will not be responsible if you do. You will need to clean yourself up, and clean up your blood, or you will be on the menu.” I sounded colder and darker than even I had imagined.
This choice took all of my strength to keep from killing him right there. It would not have been my fault. He moved. I could feel my body shaking. I was a drug addict trying to pull away from my addiction. My body was shaking waiting for a fix. Tap a vein right here. I clenched down my jaw trying to keep my mouth shut
. I stopped breathing so I could not take him in. I got up from the shower. My body screaming at me, Take him! Take him! It whispered to my soul “just one drink.”
Leaving the room was the hard part. Every part of me wanted him. He would not feel a thing. He would not see it coming. My body made it to the other side of the door. The smell of the blood kept me pinned. It kept calling me back to him. I could hear his heart beating. It’s feverous pace screaming take me! I walked slowly up the stairs partly dragging my body. I was out of control. Blood. Oh, God blood. I made it to the other side of the bedroom door. My nails dragged down the outside of the door. He won’t feel anything. I could make it quick. I turned away.
I ran. I needed food and to be as far away from him as possible. The cold, wet clothes clung to my body as I ran. My feet smashed into the ground hard. Bring me pain. I just wanted to focus on something other than him. The cows were an easy prey but no distraction. I bit down on the first one only to think about the smell of his blood.
I moved from one to the next replaying his blood and the kiss. Half of me wanted to go back and kill him. The other half wanted him. The darkness of night would hold its secret from them. The others could not know. I had made a plan. I would be angry with him. I would hate him! Why could I not hate him? No, I need to escape. I need to get free or die trying.
I lost track of the cows I had drained. Blood, death it all intertwined into what I was. I was full of blood and could not take another drop, but I kept killing. I needed to rip them apart to keep myself together. Everything in me needed to be quieted. I wanted to be at peace. Come what may but I needed to be away from him, or he would end up just like everyone else. The fence it was laced with the drug. I may not make it over, and it may kill me but I would make a different choice this time.