The Double Life: A Novel By Shea Lynn

by Shea Lynn

  She exhaled and finally gave in to my request.

  I didn’t waste any more stolen time with ineffectual words. I leaned in and kissed her lips, softly, lovingly. We shared an emotionally charged look before she reached down, took my hand and held it in her lap. She was sitting by the window and as we settled in, she turned her gaze back out to the passing scenery.

  While she watched the buildings, people, cars, and trees fly past us, I watched her. Studied her to keep the image of my Dayna in my mind. I knew I’d need that image later when she wasn’t around and I was missing her.

  Chapter Nine: Dayna

  Our stop arrived and we gathered our things before getting off the train and walking down two flights of cement steps. In silence, we walked over to the Park N’ Ride where both of our vehicles were parked. As we reached the parking lot, we slowed the pace, reaching the spot where we needed to part ways.

  “Is this where it ends?” Sidney whispered her eyes shiny and sad.

  The funny thing about Sidney is that when she’s with me, she’s almost a completely different person from the Sidney I see when we’re around other people. She’s softer with me. Her emotions are more transparent. And that transparency, her willingness to drop her guard and simply “just be” made me love her even more. She allowed me to see through her and into her.

  I fought the urge to touch her face and hold her close. I smiled softly, wanting to take away the ache in her eyes, and simply said, “Just for today. We will have other days, right?”

  Sidney shrugged and looked away. I could see her fighting to keep the tears from spilling over their lids. “Yeah.”

  “What happened to you? Back at Sara’s you were the one pep-talking me. Now it feels like things are in reverse.”

  My lover sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Back at Sara’s, you were in my arms. It’s a lot easier to be optimistic when I can still pretend. I can’t pretend right now.”

  “What are you going to say to him when you get home?” I asked. It was a question I’d always wanted an answer to and on that Saturday, I needed to know.

  She eyed me curiously. “What do you mean?”

  “Will you tell him about us? That I came to see you? What do you tell Aaron when we’re together? What do you say to him so he doesn’t know how we spend our time?”

  Sidney shifted. “I don’t know, Dayna. I usually don’t say much of anything. He doesn’t ask too many questions. He’s never had any reason to wonder.”

  My eyes narrowed a lump rose in my throat. The passion that I felt for Sidney was now present as a dark jealousy and that dark green demon danced on my tongue. I smirked and asked her, “Is he ever going to have a reason to wonder?”

  Sidney frowned, confusion heavy in her gaze. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I shrugged. “What are we doing? Are we just passing the time together?”

  She stared at me for a moment. I could see the wheels churning in both her heart and her mind as she struggled to understand the path from Sara’s to the question I’d just posed. “I don’t know….I don’t know how to respond to that. I just know that I love you.”

  The green demon wouldn’t let me go. He voiced questions I’d long wanted answers to but had never spoken aloud. “Will we ever really be together or will we always stand in this spot and say our good-byes?” I asked.

  I was wise enough to know that our situation wasn’t one-sided. The reasons behind our closeted love were just as much mine as they were hers. But at that moment, as I watched the woman I’d just loved and caressed only a short while ago get ready to leave my side, my brain had suddenly filled with images of what she might be doing when I wasn’t around.

  Sidney’s look went from confused to defensive and she folded her arms across her chest. “What is going on with you? Do we have to do this now? Standing here at the Park and Ride?”

  I looked around, suddenly realizing that we were indeed standing in the parking lot. With a deep sigh, I clenched my teeth; wanting to control my tongue and calm the burning anxiety rising within me. Our eyes met and I smiled sadly.

  “Can we talk?”

  She eyed me curiously. “Now?”

  I nodded.

  She tossed me a soft smile and nodded her head. I led the way over to my SUV and Sidney followed me. I started the engine and leaned back against the gray, leather seat.

  “What am I supposed to tell myself tonight when I’m home alone, needing to be with you?” I asked her.

  She sighed. “You should think about how I’ll be a few blocks away needing you.”

  I sneered at her and scoffed. “Right. But who are you sleeping with tonight?”

  Sidney eyed me strangely, her dark brown orbs filled with confusion. “Where is this coming from?”

  My anxiety was at a high. That anxiety gave way to anger and I was suddenly hot and flushed. I loved her. I knew that now. There was no running from what she meant to me and now that I had verbalized how I felt, I couldn’t go back. Loving her carried with it the weight of not really having her and not having her was killing me.

  My eyes were glossy as I stared at her, hoping that she would understand me. That she would see beyond the fire that burned from my gaze and realize that I was raw with vulnerability. Raw with a need for only her.

  “Are you surprised? What did you think would happen? That we could continue to make love and not catch feelings? I’m separated from my husband but you know what? All I care about is you. All I think about is you.”

  Sidney shook her head, her pride blocking her view into my soul. She looked around nervously before speaking to me in a hushed, heated tone. “Dayna, I know I love you. You know that I love you. But I really, really don’t want to talk about this right now. What am I supposed to do? Rearrange my life right this minute? You want me to go home and tell Aaron to pack his shit and leave? Is that what you want?”

  My tears betrayed me. I didn’t want them to, but they betrayed me anyhow. “No, Sidney. I just want us to be able to talk about it.”

  Sidney’s eyes narrowed and she huffed softly. It was like the sound a dragon might make when it wants only peace but is forced to breathe fire. This wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted her to be loving and gentle and patient and reassuring. But that isn’t what I got.

  “You know why we don’t talk about it?” she finally asked. “You know why we haven’t talked about how we feel? About what we’re doing? Because we know that if we talk about it, we’d realize we….,” she began, before stopping herself.

  “Realize what?” I asked, my heart pounding, my chest heavy. I wiped at my eyes, hoping to convince the tears to stop coming.

  Sidney sighed and answered quietly, “Realize that what we’re doing is wrong. That we shouldn’t be together like this. It’s just a phase.”

  I tried to keep my words from quivering. “Is that what you really think?”

  She threw up her hands, her frustration mounting. “Dayna, I don’t think! I can’t think. I’m afraid to think. You know why? If I really think about it, I’ll realize there is no ‘you and me’. So I can’t think.”

  I looked away then. Wiped at the stubborn tears that refused to abandon me.

  “Dayna, please look at me,” she pleaded, her voice softer than it had been before.

  But I wouldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at her. She leaned closer to me. I could feel her breaths; not just hear them but feel them. And though my mind was furious and forlorn, my body didn’t know how my mind felt. My body craved her. I trembled at how close she was. She squeezed my thigh with her hand and I swallowed thickly.

  “Dayna, I love you. I just don’t have any answers right now and I’m used to having all the answers. I want what you want. I want you. I know that. But I’m not there yet. And neither are you.”

  A bitter laugh slipped out of me. “So what are we then? Just friends? Friends who fell in love?”

  Her eyes were wide with innocence when she answered me. It was the kind o
f ignorant placating response that men give when you ask them if you look fat in your jeans. “Right. Friends who fell in love.”

  My nostrils were flaring. That mix of anxiety and anger now burning in my veins. I stared at her quizzically. “Friends….in love?”

  “Yes.”

  My eyes narrowed and I stared at her the way an angry parent stares at a misguided child. “What world are you living in?” I asked.

  Sidney’s eyes grew wide and her voice was filled with incredulity. “The same world you live in. I love you. I love being with you. But you and me together…I don’t live in that world. And neither do you.”

  Her words were our truth but that didn’t mean they didn’t hurt. Didn’t mean my heart wasn’t breaking with each word she spoke.

  “So that’s it then?” I asked, my lips trembling, my insides crumbling

  “What do you mean?” she asked me.

  “If there is no ‘us’, then why are we doing this? Why do we keep wasting our time? It’s time to just let it go, right?” I replied, wiping at the last of my tears.

  She held up her hand and her voice grew softer. “Hold on. I didn’t say that. What I’m saying is that I just don’t know all the answers. Please don’t panic on me.”

  I chuckled bitterly and watched her eyes watch me; her dark brown pools a mixture of pain and curiosity. I thought her words were absurd; a resounding contradiction. She reminded me of men I’d dated.

  “So you know there’s no future with me, but you want to keep sleeping with me?”

  Sidney sighed then and looked away. I knew she was processing; hunting again for the right words to say. But I didn’t want to hear anymore. I was tired, hurt, and confused and I’d had enough rejection coated in “I love you” for one day.

  “Can I ask you one question?” I said.

  Her gaze returned to me, but she was quiet. Despite the angst I felt toward her and the confusion of this moment, I was still left trembling by the meeting of our eyes. Still quivering and wanting in the face of what I felt was rejection.

  I licked my dry lips and forced myself to look away as I sought strength where I had none. She was my weakness and in her presence, I always melted. I didn’t want to melt then. I needed to be strong and solid and I wanted her to understand that we were coming to a point where we could no longer pretend. And if we could no longer pretend, then what did that mean for us?

  “Sidney, give me some advice. Give me the advice as though you weren’t the source of my conflict. As my friend,” I began, placing special emphasis on the last word. “Tell me just how long I should continue loving you and sleeping with you? How long do I keep deluding myself with this fake relationship we have? As a friend, tell me, when should I cut my losses and move on?”

  I turned back to her then. Her eyes blinked and blinked and she chewed on her lip before she looked away and finally opened her mouth. As she prepared to speak, I whispered, “You don’t know, do you?”

  I heard her swallow. “Dayna, I - - -,” she began.

  “I can see it in your eyes. You don’t know. You’re right. You don’t have any answers. I don’t want to hear you try and make something up to pacify me. I think I’ve had enough for one day.”

  The frustration in her voice was out of character for her, but it wasn’t enough to sway me. “Dayna, what is this? How did we go from making love to this?”

  I shrugged, feeling depleted. “I think we’re done talking. Have a good night, Sid.”

  She tilted her head, her eyes shining. “You’re dismissing me?”

  “I just need to be alone, now.”

  If it were any other day, she would have fought to remain in my space. But she didn’t want to stay with me. I had brought a fresh dose of reality into her world of make believe and she couldn’t handle it.

  She whispered, “Are you sure? I don’t feel right leaving you alone.”

  “I’ll be fine, Sid. I need some space, though.”

  I didn’t want space. I wanted her to tell me that she could see she’d hurt me. I wanted her to refuse to leave my side. I wanted her to call Aaron and tell him she’d be late. I wanted her to choose me.

  But I knew that wasn’t fair. She didn’t belong to me. She belonged to him. And so I swallowed my wants and pushed her away until she left me and walked slowly over to her own vehicle.

  Chapter Ten: Sidney

  I stood by my car until she pulled out of the parking lot and drove away. I shook my head as my hands trembled and I fumbled with my keys.

  Hurting her hurt me. I hated to see her cry. And I hated that there was nothing I could do to take the pain away. I had to be honest with her. How could she not see that there really was no future for us? Why did she have to back me into a corner and force me to say the obvious?

  It didn’t take me long to get home. I pulled into the driveway with a deep sigh; watching my house and wondering what awaited me within. This had been my dream home: two stories of red brick with black shutters and rows and rows of pink and yellow tulips in the front garden. This was supposed to be my castle; my refuge from the world. But its crimson walls seemed more and more like a prison than an oasis. In this house, I couldn’t be the woman I wanted to be.

  In this house, I was Aaron’s wife.

  I parked in the garage and got out; taking one last look back at my car, almost hoping she would magically appear. Hoping I could find the right words to ease her heavy eyes; the right words to make us both content with living in pretend.

  I sighed again before I opened the door that led from the garage to kitchen and stepped over the threshold into the public part of my existence.

  As I stepped inside, I could smell the fast food Aaron had bought the kids for dinner. They were sitting at the round kitchen table, chicken nuggets and fries before them.

  I was suddenly emotional. When my eyes focused on my six year old daughter and three year old son, something in me softened. The unease I felt with Dayna melted away and in its place, I was humbled and grateful for my children. My eyes teared with emotion I wasn’t used to feeling and a warm smile eased itself across my face.

  My little brown bundles of love came rushing over to me with their little arms outstretched. I bent down and hugged them tightly, inhaling the scent of them. I’d needed their hugs. I’d needed to feel their little arms wrapped around my neck, to hear the joy in their excited little voices. They loved me without condition and I needed a little unconditional love.

  As nourishing as their affections were, their innocence and acceptance made me feel guilty. They were so little; tiny little hands, tiny little minds, and an extremely large burden of responsibility. They needed me. Needed me to keep their home full of love, peace, and solidarity. It was their tiny little smiles that forced me to step back into their world. I was Mommy and Mommy loved only Daddy. Mommy slept only with Daddy.

  Mommy needed to get her shit together.

  “Mommy missed you so much,” I said.

  My daughter, Devann, lovingly kissed my cheek with her warm sticky lips and said, “Missed you too, Mommy.”

  I stared into her tiny brown eyes and into a face that was a mirror of my own at her age.

  “Did you have a good day?”

  “I did. I did. We had fun. We went to the park,” she exclaimed.

  At this, my son, Aiden turned up his face and whimpered, “I fell at the park.”

  Despite the frown and the whine in his voice, I fell in love with Aiden all over again. He was an adorable little boy with his father’s hazel eyes and his mother’s long eye lashes. Aiden Aaron would be a heartbreaker someday.

  I kissed his forehead and replied, “Oh, you fell at the park, Sweetie?”

  Devann nodded and continued on, rattling off details like only a confident, big sister can. “Yeah, he fell. But he was okay. He didn’t bleed. Then we went to the movies and Daddy took us to get some food.”

  “Where did you fall?” I asked my son.

  With his face still frowning, m
aximizing my sympathetic tone, Aiden replied, “On my ebow.”

  He meant “elbow”, but I forgave him for his linguistic failings and spoke gingerly to him, “Aww. Are you okay, Little Man?”

  Aiden nodded and his smile didn’t return until I kissed his little boo-boo. They finished telling me about their day and Devann told me that my husband was upstairs. I took that as my cue to go and find him and as I stood up, they raced back to the table and cooling French fries.

  “Mommy can I do your hair?” Devann asked as I walked away.

  This was a new phase of hers; she was ridiculously into hair and make-up. Though I was terrified of what she would do to my professionally maintained coiffure, the guilty part of me knew she needed my attention.

  “Maybe in a little while,” I replied.

  “Yay!!!” Devann screeched.

  Aiden clapped his chubby little hands and echoed his sister’s exclamation of joy. I don’t know if my three year old son was that interested in doing my hair, but he was happy to be wrapped up in the excitement.

  I gave them all one last smile before I headed up the stairs.

  I was traveling deeper and deeper into this part of my existence. It had started with my street and then my brick walls and then my children, and now I’d finally reached the man I’d married.

  I exhaled when I saw him. Aaron was standing in black windbreakers and a white wife-beater, ironing church clothes for tomorrow morning. He was concentrating, his brow furrowed over squinting hazel eyes.

  Those eyes.

  I’d always loved his eyes. His smooth skin was the color of honey in the sunlight and it was the perfect frame for those eyes.

  I’d never told Aaron, but part of me had always considered him beautiful. He was masculine, but there was a softness in his eyes that pulled me in rather than pushed me away. Another confession: Aaron is a metro-sexual. He’s always “neatly groomed” as my mother would say. He’s always cut his own hair and it’s always trimmed and lined up. His nails are always clean and he spends more time at the mall than I’d ever care to spend.