The Double Life: A Novel By Shea Lynn

by Shea Lynn

My eyes narrowed as I focused in on the typed words on the tiny rectangle of white paper. The message was both surprising and unsettling.

  Babe,

  Yesterday was a perfect evening for me. You seemed like your old self. Dinner was more than enough and I want you to know that. But the dessert we shared was something special, too. Thank you for being part of my life. I love you, Aaron.

  “Dessert? We didn’t have any dessert,” I muttered to myself.

  I shrugged my shoulders, recalling that I didn’t remember too much after dinner. Once the sleeping pill haze set in, I was out for the count.

  Maybe he had some ice cream. Maybe TangySweets. Maybe we shared something right before I went to sleep and I didn’t remember it.

  I shook my head and smelled the flowers. Their beauty made me smile.

  I reached for the phone and called him.

  “Hey Sweetie,” he answered.

  “Hey to you, too. Thank you for my flowers. They are lovely.”

  “You’re welcome. I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate you. I had such a great time last night,” he replied. Then he lowered his voice and said, “I’m actually a little sore. You wore me out.”

  “Wore you out?” I replied, my voice nearly a whisper as my brain struggled to pull together hazy fragments that I didn’t quite recognize.

  “Yeah. You were something else. I’ve never seen you like that before. But don’t get me wrong. I like you like that.”

  “You do?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah. I was hoping you’d be up for it again tonight. But no pressure. Just let me know when you’re ready.”

  “Ready?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I can’t stop thinking about it. You got me all messed up.” Then he chuckled.

  This was crazy. I had no memory of what he was talking about. And knowing Aaron, the tone of his voice and the lilt of his speech, I figured that it must have been something sexual. I didn’t want to let him know that I couldn’t remember us making love, so I tried to confirm my suspicions without revealing my ignorance.

  I lowered my voice and asked, “So tell me…what part did you like the best?”

  “You really want to know?” I could hear him smiling.

  “I really want to know,” I replied.

  He swallowed and his voice got even lower. “When you got up on your knees…..asked me to hit it from the back.”

  My body became weak. It was so strange. My mind was a mix of fuzzy pieces that blended in together. I couldn’t tell what had been part of my dreams and what had been reality.

  The cell phone slid out of my hand and hit the floor.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered, wondering what else I had done.

  When I recovered and picked up the phone, Aaron was calling “Hello”.

  “I’m here. I just dropped the phone. Sorry about that.”

  “It’s alright.”

  “So that…that was your favorite part?” I asked, a slight tremble now in my voice.

  “Oh yeah. I thought you would be worn out after cooking dinner and everything. But you just weren’t stopping. After the third time, I had to just call it a night.”

  “What?!”

  “Yeah, Sid. I can’t go past three. That was a magic number for me.”

  I had to get off the phone then. Needed to know what the hell was going on. I ended our call as quickly as I could before racing to call Dr. Williamson. Her receptionist told me she was tied up but that she had an emergency appointment available for later in the afternoon. I let the receptionist know that I would be there and two hours later, I was sitting in front of her.

  Dr. Williamson smiled at me. “So, how have you been? What’s going on today?”

  I shook my head and sat up in my armchair. “My husband sent me flowers today. He wanted to let me know how much he enjoyed our evening together. It’s an evening I can’t even remember.”

  The doctor’s eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I can’t remember it. I can’t remember the evening,” I replied.

  “The entire evening? Can you please tell me the chain of events that happened? What did you do yesterday?” she asked.

  I nodded. “Okay, okay. I…uh….I went home early. I made dinner for Aaron and the kids.”

  Dr. Williamson was jotting down notes as I spoke. “And then, what did you do after dinner?”

  I rubbed my hands together as I tried to remember my actions of the evening before. “We got the kids ready for bed. Got the house ready for the evening. I took my sleeping pill and then we got ready for bed.”

  The doctor nodded and gestured for me to continue.

  “Shortly after that, we got into bed and then it gets fuzzy. Aaron…he said we had sex last night. That I was…that I was not quite myself. I don’t remember any of that. I was under the impression I’d just gone to sleep right after we went to bed.”

  “So you do you remember the rest of the evening? You just don’t remember what happened after you took the sleeping pill?” she asked.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  Dr. Williamson took off her glasses and sat back. “Alright, then. I think I understand.”

  I smiled weakly. “What is it?”

  “The medicine I prescribed for you does have the side-effect of causing temporary amnesia. Most of my patients take it and fall asleep and their lives are made better for it. A small percentage have reported to me that they’ve done things while under the influence of the medication and don’t recall it. And it sounds to me as though you fit into that small percentage.”

  “So it’s possible I did all the things he said I did and I just don’t remember?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “That’s insanity. Absolute insanity. So what you’re telling me is that I got high, had sex, and don’t remember.”

  Dr. Williamson hesitated. “Yes and no.”

  My voice escalated. “What part is ‘no’?”

  The doctor gave me a placating smile. “Sidney, you didn’t get ‘high’. You took a sleep medicine prescribed by a professional to treat a recurrent sleep disturbance. You weren’t getting ‘high’ on an illegal drug.”

  I leaned forward, Attorney Sidney King suddenly making an appearance in the doctor’s office space. “Please don’t patronize me. I’m very uncomfortable knowing that I took this drug and cannot account for my actions. I have no idea what I did or what I said. And I can’t even ask my husband because I don’t want him to know. I don’t want him to think that I have to be high in order to have sex with him.”

  The anger in me had coated each of my words. It settled itself in my posture and mannerisms. I was two steps away from jumping up from my seat and filing a lawsuit against Dr. Williamson.

  But she was a professional. She wasn’t ruffled by my anger. And the way she smiled warmly at me made me think she almost expected it.

  “Sidney, I know you’re not happy about this latest set of circumstances.”

  I eyed her cautiously; disdain dripping from my heavy gaze.

  She continued on. “But this drug is not the source of your trouble. And you seem to have described the situation perfectly. You didn’t find your husband desirable until you were under the influence of the sleeping medication.”

  I leaned back in my chair then. “So what are you saying?”

  “Sidney, I’m saying that you have pointed out a rather bleak aspect to your current situation. Had it not been for the effect of the medicine, you would not have engaged in a sexual act with your husband. For some reason, you needed the medicine to let down the guard for you. To allow you to lose your inhibitions enough to share your body with him. And to me…that sounds like a woman who desperately needs to figure out how to relax without the aid of sleep medication. It indicates you have a long way to go.

  “In the crisp light of day, you feel guilty for your actions with Aaron. You feel guilty because your actions were not organic to you, but were buoyed by the effects of the medicine.”
>
  I shook my head. “It’s not just that I feel guilty. I’m worried. I have no idea what I said. And what about the other nights? Maybe I also said and did things that I can’t remember. I’m not comfortable with that,” I replied.

  “And you shouldn’t be. Neither should you be comfortable living such that the only time you can relax is when you take a pill and prepare to go to sleep. To me, that sounds like the behavior of an addict. Addicts wait for relief from the stress of their lives to come when they open up a bottle or find a vein. You have been finding that relief when you take a pill at the end of the night. Am I correct?”

  I swallowed thickly. “Yes.”

  “So that’s where our focus lies. I can give you another type of medicine to help you sleep at night. But there’s not a medicine I can give you to make you comfortable in your own skin. To make you happy in the situation you’re in. Only you have the key to unlocking what makes you happy. Does that make sense?” she asked.

  I nodded. The anger had left me. Replaced by an all too familiar feeling of unbearable sadness.

  She glanced at her watch. “We’ve got plenty of time. Let’s do some catching up, shall we?”

  “Okay. Let’s catch up,” I replied.

  I was like that princess in the story about the pea under her mattress. She couldn’t sleep and couldn’t be content despite all the layerings on top her mattress; accoutrements designed to help her rest and give her peace. She could only rest when the offending pea was finally removed and when I stepped into my kitchen that evening, I knew I had to find a way to remove my own pea.

  I heard the television on in the living room and my children laughing and playing amid the cartoons on the screen. I gave them big hugs and asked them about Daddy and they sent me upstairs. He was in our room. With a sigh, I headed up the stairs, now in my stocking feet, my wide-legged, tan slacks flapping a little as I moved.

  Dr. Williamson had been right all along. I wasn’t some helpless little girl that had no control of her life. I had full control. I had the perfect everything. I had the perfect life. There was no reason for me to be an uncomfortable insomniac because of a pea I’d created.

  I was not a victim. I’d wanted Dayna. That wasn’t a secret to me. All the way home I’d thought about my meeting her and how I’d changed. How I’d thrown myself into victimhood in order to feel comfortable being duplicitous.

  “Aaron,” I called.

  He looked over at me, a wide grin on his toffee complexioned face. He was on his knees on the side of the bed, his laptop computer on the bed before him.

  My husband stood up and walked over to me, ignorant of my combative stance and steel-willed eyes. “Hey there,” he said, pulling me into a hug that I felt necessary to return.

  “Hey”, came stumbling out of my mouth as we separated.

  Aaron pulled off his wire-rimmed glasses and smiled again. “It’s all set. We’re going away next weekend.”

  “What?” I asked, my face frozen in puzzlement.

  My husband was bubbling with enthusiasm. His logical and rational mind had come up with a solution to what ailed me and he could not see beyond the perfect outcome he had designed. “I got us a cabin at the Grand Meadows Resort and Lodge. Darnell recommended it. We’re going to have a great time.”

  “Darnell? You talked to Darnell?” I asked, my eyes growing large.

  Did Darnell tell him? Did he know? Was this surprise trip thing real or was it his way of breaking the news that he knew about my infidelity and was getting ready to kill me?

  A chorus of whispering worries flitted around me, making my heart race and shrouding my flushing skin in a thin layer of sweat.

  Aaron’s smile faltered a bit. “Yeah. He just suggested this place. It’s supposed to be really nice. I can show you the pictures if you want.”

  “No, no. That’s fine. I just…when did you talk to Darnell? Today?”

  My husband shook his head. “No. Not today. Why?”

  Aaron didn’t know. His ignorance was obvious amid the bubbling excitement in is hazel eyes

  The realization that he didn’t know, calmed my overreaction and I pulled my hair behind my ear before smiling weakly and replying, “I - - -I just wondered if he mentioned that he and I talked about his going back to school the other day.”

  The smile returned to Aaron’s dark pink lips. “You did? That’s great. I haven’t really talked to him this week. Every time I try to get a hold of him he’s busy.”

  “Is he?” I asked.

  “He is, but I’m going to call him again later.”

  I nodded. “Okay.

  Aaron moved closer to me and held me at arm’s length. His manly scent of cedar wood and cinnamon moved up from his body to my senses, his eyes softly watching mine through a pair of wire-rimmed glasses. He was nervous. I could see it in his eyes and the slight dip his voice took when he spoke to me.

  I looked away, down at his black, leather loafers and finally back up to his smiling twin hazel pools. “Is this okay? Taking this little trip? Is that okay with you?”

  My eyes teared. He shouldn’t have to try so hard. He shouldn’t be nervous about planning a trip for us to go away together. He should always feel needed and wanted and maybe…maybe if I could figure out how to do that, that pea beneath my mattress would simply disappear.

  He didn’t know. Darnell hadn’t told him. And now that I knew he didn’t know, I had another chance to take charge and take back my life.

  My husband studied the tears in my eyes and he asked, “Are you okay? Did I say something - - -?”

  I pulled him into a hug then. Laid my head against his chest and closed my eyes tight, forcing the tears away. I swallowed thickly and said what I knew I should feel and what I knew I should say.

  “I’m just happy, Aaron. I would love to go away with you. I’ve missed spending time with you.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, holding me close to him. “I just want you to be happy, Sidney.”

  “I know you do. I know that’s always what you want. And I want you to be happy, too.”

  “We’re going to have a great time, Sid. And we won’t even have to worry about Dev and Aiden. I called your mom and she’ll watch them for us. I just…I know you’re going through a lot and I just wanted to take away your worry.”

  I sighed, his cedar wood and cinnamon scent clouding my thoughts.

  “I know you don’t want me to worry.”

  “Right. I just want us to be like we used to be. I’m hoping the time away will help us with that.”

  I swallowed again and pulled back, meeting his hopeful gaze. “I want the same thing. We’ll get it right. I know we will.”

  My husband kissed me softly on the lips before he raced around the room to find his keys, speaking in a hurriedly animated tone about what the lodge had to offer and what he’d seen on the its website.

  He finally found his keys on the dresser and I asked, “Where are you going?”

  “I’ve gotta run and pick up the pizza I called in. It’s from Andretti’s. I got pepperoni for the kids and the deep dish supremo for us. I’ll be right back,” he said with a wink.

  And then he was gone, leaving me to stand there in amazement.

  Andretti’s was a local pizza shop and the Deep Dish Supremo was my favorite. Aaron was content with any local pizza chain, but he knew I was partial to the Deep Dish Supremo at Andretti’s. It was another special surprise he’d planned for me. Another gesture of going out of his way to make me happy.

  And then I made a plan.

  Dr. Williamson had been true to her word. She’d prescribed me another prescription sleep aid. But I had no intention of having it filled. I decided that there was a sure way to get rid of my problematic pea. Until I could get back into the swing of my old life, I’d resolved to let my little pink sleeping pill help me find my way back.

  I could be sexual with him when I was under the influence.

  I could relax and be loving and be the person he wanted me
to be.

  And at the end of the day, didn’t I owe him that? Isn’t that what he’d signed up for?

  I found my way into the master closet and changed into my relaxation clothes. And when I was all changed and comfortable, I found my bottle of pink pills and chose one from the bottle. I bit it in half with the side of my teeth and took it with a few swigs of a bottle of water I had beside my bed. I put the other half in the bottle, planning to take it when it was time for bed.

  It didn’t take long for the happy feelings to ease over me. Taking half of the pill didn’t leave me feeling quite as disengaged as I felt when I took the whole thing. But I was able to relax and I felt freer and happier.

  That night, we ate Andretti’s pizza like a family and while we sat around the round kitchen table. I laughed more than I had in a long time and both of my kids were smiling broadly when we tucked them in for the night.

  I took the second half of the pill when Aaron was in the bathroom. There as a smile on my face as I looked through my dresser drawer and found a night gown.

  I’d found a way to make the pea disappear. I was feeling better than I had in a long time and everyone seemed pleased with me.

  Maybe this solution would work. I could ease back into things using the sleeping pills and when I was ready I could ease away the pills and be happy with him again.

  I turned out the lights and slipped into bed and waited for my husband to join me.

  Chapter Fifty-Two: Dayna

  Despite my own personal revelations concerning my marriage, my daughter still expected her parents to live under the same roof and love each other until death made us part. It was my job to console people that were at their lowest point in life and help them get back on their feet. And now I was going to have to bring those job skills home and use them on my only child.

  Two days after watching Cameron and the nurse, I stood in the kitchen, making a quick dinner of bowties and noodles for Nina. I wasn’t hungry.

  “I’ve got to tell her tonight,” I whispered.

  I sighed, watching the heated bubbles of water boil around the bow ties in my stainless steel sauce pot. Nina was upstairs, taking a bubble bath and I could hear her singing to herself as she dried off and put on her pajamas.