by Shea Lynn
Leave it to Mama to want to save me from myself.
I knew her heart was in the right place and I was grateful to have a mother that would go to so much trouble to help me. But her helping me made me feel weak and vulnerable. Everyone was tiptoeing around me and I felt like an unstable mental patient.
All of this because of that pea underneath my mattress.
When Aaron told me about Cameron and Dayna, the news unsettled me. It sent my mind down a path of many wonders. I wondered what had happened.
Was she okay? Was she upset? Did she need me?
I wondered about the boundaries of our self-imposed estrangement.
Just where did they end? At what point was it okay to pick up the phone and check in? At what point was it okay to offer comfort and support?
Could I do those things without being overwhelmed by my love for her?
She had captivated me from the first time I laid eyes on her. She drew me in immediately and I’d been unsettled ever since.
A beautiful woman, with skin the color of coffee with extra cream slipped into the circle of my peripheral vision. It was instinct for me to turn towards her. She was tall and thin with a cascade of long, dark hair that fell below her shoulders in long, spiraling curls. I was attending “Back to School Night” at Devann and Aiden’s private school in Wilmette and the beautiful woman with the long, dark hair was smiling as she stood in deep conversation with the dean of students. The annual forum, held in the school’s auditorium, was now over and the parents were outside, nibbling on finger foods and mingling with the faculty and staff.
Even if she hadn’t been so pretty, Dayna would have still stood out to me. There weren’t a lot of other African-American students or parents at Wilmette Academy and I had already familiarized myself with the handful I already knew. This was a new face. A new smile.
Her smile was subtle, polite, and feminine. The slight squint in her eyes let me know she was focused on the Dean’s words. She nodded and the soft light from the setting sun caught the honey-blonde highlights in her hair. My eyes traveled from the highlights down to the orange, rib knit, mock turtleneck sweater she wore and then down to her dark-rinse boot-cut jeans.
The subtle breeze of an August wind had been creeping into our evenings in this tale-end of the summer. Dayna’s light sweater was perfect for the weather and its centerline zipper was opened down to the middle of her breast bone. And my eyes caught themselves there before I realized she was also watching me.
I blushed. Pleased that my brown sugar skin was dark enough to hide the rush of blood to my cheeks and I met her gaze and smiled softly. Then I looked around for Aaron. Seeing him making small talk with a friend from work, I cleared my throat and walked over to the Dean and the beautiful woman with the coffee with extra cream skin.
“Has Dean Matthews made a believer out of you, yet?” I asked, saddling up to the two women, standing in the open space between the Dean and Dayna.
Dean Roberta Matthews smiled broadly and her creamy, tanned skin gave rise to the growing crow’s nest and lines around her mouth. Roberta was brilliant and had a passion for educating children. Her smooth deep timbre eased out as she replied, “I’m trying my best to work my magic.”
We all shared a polite laugh; a small chuckle that ended nearly as quickly as it began. “I assure you, your magic is working on me. I’m already excited for school to start,” Dayna remarked.
I extended my hand to her and said, “I’m Sidney King.”
“Dayna Wilkins.”
“Pleased to meet you, Dayna. I assume you’re new to the school?” I replied.
She nodded. “I am. I’m also new to the area. My husband and I just moved here about a month ago. We have a daughter, Nina. She just turned five.”
Roberta’s smooth timbre sounded again, “You’re in great company, Dayna. Sidney has a daughter Nina’s age and a son almost three.”
I smiled. “Dean Matthews, you have a remarkable memory.”
“The students are more than numbers to me. And your two are priceless,” she said.
At the back of my mind I wondered if Devann and Aiden stood out because they were black or because they were actually remarkable in the eyes of the middle-aged educator before me.
“That’s impressive,” Dayna replied.
Dean Matthews was called away to chat with another first-year parent and Dayna and I were left alone.
Dayna smiled and pulled her long, dark hair behind her left ear. “It’s a good sign that you’re still so excited about the school. I’m a little nervous. My daughter, Nina, was going to a daycare that’s run by my father’s church. She was always around friends from church or people we knew.”
“I’m sure you’ll be pleased. How long have you been here? You said about a month?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest.
“Yeah, about a month.”
“And how do you like it so far?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Wilmette is pretty much like any other suburb. But Chicago…it’s huge! We’re from Indiana. Indianapolis actually. It’s the capital of the state, but it’s nothing compared to Chicago. The city has actually been a little daunting to me.”
“Do you know anyone here?”
Dayna shook her head slowly, her soft brown eyes crinkling slightly. “No. Not really. We’ve both made a few acquaintances at work, but that’s about it.”
“We?” I asked.
“Yes. My husband, Cameron and myself.”
My smile faded. Though I was a married woman and mother of two that somehow made me a little sad. “Oh, I see.”
“Is he here?” I asked, looking around at the parent, students, and staff.
She shook her head. “No, he’s not. Are you…are you married?”
I smiled again. “Yes. My husband, Aaron is over there,” I replied, pointing in his direction.
“And you like it here?” she asked, my gaze now meeting hers.
“I do. I’ve lived here all of my life, so I really don’t have much to compare it to,” I said with a small chuckle.
Dayna smiled and her smile made me smile even harder. “So you don’t mind showing me around some time?”
She was warm and friendly and the sound of her voice warmed my insides. “Yeah, I’d love to.”
We chatted for a while longer but made no plans. I invited her to church and she and her daughter showed up on the following Sunday. Two Sundays later, she joined the church and I became her new-member buddy. A friendship gradually developed between the two of us and we finally made time for a play date between my two and her one. We talked like old friends as our kids ran like crazy around a jungle gym and that play date for the kids led to more play dates for her and me.
I started off taking her on the El and showing her around the Magnificent Mile. She finally opened up to me on our little excursion. She and her husband were separated and she’d been thinking about moving back home. But our budding friendship had grounded her and given her a feeling of independence. Dayna told me that she really had no desire to go back to Indianapolis and that she’d only considered it out of pure loneliness.
That play date, led to coffee dates. And the coffee dates led to shopping trips. And the shopping trips led to girl’s movie nights. And the girl’s movie nights led to a night when we were sitting close together on her couch. I’d been lying on my side and she had curled herself around my legs with a blanket.
When the movie was over, neither of us moved. We sat in silence until the credits were done rolling and it was only then that I spoke.
“Why don’t I want to leave?” I asked softly, softly stroking her soft, dark curls.
“Why do I want you to stay?” she whispered.
Those words trapped me. The tone of her voice was soft and pleading, tinged with a bit of intrigue. I was aroused and I knew it. I hadn’t been that tempted in a long time.
Not since the day Janelle had told me I was smitten.
I swallowed over the lump in my t
hroat and said, “You know, I uh…I think I should probably go.”
Dayna sat up, holding my leg with her hand. “Don’t go.”
I swung my legs around, sat up on the couch, and ran a hand through my hair. I turned to meet her eyes and we stared at one another, both of us short of breath. Her eyes were giving me signals I thought I could read and before I knew what I was saying, I whispered to her, “I want to kiss you.”
She didn’t blink.
“What’s stopping you?”
“I’m afraid of what comes next,” I said.
“What does come next?”
I shrugged and she spoke, “It’s just a kiss, right? We’re not going to fall in love. Maybe it’ll feel good. Maybe it won’t. We can always blame it on watching the love scenes in this movie.”
Our eyes danced and my body tensed. I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. My eyes closed as my senses registered the softness of her lips against my own. She pulled me close, sliding her hand into the back of my hair, holding me to her.
My tongue slipped into her mouth, tasting unfamiliar territory.
The want was immediate. Piercing even. I leaned her back on the couch, my hand sliding around her curves.
“What are we doing?” I’d whispered to her.
She’d chewed on her lip, her chest heaving, her eyes filled with lust and want. “It feels so good. Kiss me again.”
Something in me told me to stop, but I couldn’t stop.
After so much time and so much waiting, praying, and estrangement….I found I still couldn’t stop.
In the end, I cheated. I didn’t want to sit up all night rehashing the past and trying to think myself out of the present. Though I’d made a weak promise to leave the sleeping pills alone and launch myself back into reality, I took a little pink pill. When the good feelings took over, I sighed in relief and waited for sleep to ease down on me.
Chapter Fifty-Seven: Dayna
Sidney’s jaw nearly fell out and hit the ground when she opened up her front door on Saturday morning and saw me standing there with her mother.
At 9:35am, Mrs. Campbell and I stood on her doorstep, a chorus of birds chirping all around us. The sun was a bright yellow, its warm, cheerful rays heating the air and bringing with it promises of mid-June humidity.
Sidney stared into my eyes. We shared a moment that lasted only a few seconds but felt like forever. Something within me trembled as I met her gaze.
She’d clearly just dragged herself out of bed. Her hair was still tied up in her scarf. Her face was free of any makeup and sleep was snuggled in the corners of her eyes. She was wearing a pair of comfortable pajamas, not bothering to put on a robe.
I had to look away. To center myself. Pull back the emotion that seemed to spontaneously erupt upon the meeting of our eyes.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
I knew Sidney very well and I knew what she was thinking.
Was our secret out? Did her mother know? Is that why we’d appeared on her doorstep on early Saturday morning?
Mrs. Campbell answered for the both of us. “Nothing is going on. But Sidney, I laid up in the hospital with you for nineteen hours and twenty-three minutes. The least you can do is invite me in.”
She held her hand to her head, suddenly remembering her manners. “I’m sorry, Ma. Come on in. You just startled me,” she said.
I followed Mrs. Campbell into Sidney’s home and we stepped into the well-decorated family room.
Sidney’s mother sat down on the sofa and I stood in the entryway; not quite comfortable enough to move any further. This was the space reserved for her with him. I had no business being in their home. No place in the cocoon of their family life.
I swallowed thickly and tried to smile.
“Sidney, go on upstairs, take a quick shower and get dressed. Nothing fancy. Some nice, relaxing clothes will do. You can put on something like Dayna has on,” said Mrs. Campbell.
Sidney looked over at me in my yoga pants and t-shirt. Again our eyes met and it was she who looked away this time. “Mama, what is going on? Why do I need to get dressed? Why are you here so early in the morning?”
Mrs. Campbell smiled and placed a loving hand on her daughter’s lap. “Baby, I just want to do one more thing for you. Just one more thing. One thing to help you relax.”
Sidney’s eyes grew wide and she looked from her mother to me and back again.
“What…what’s that?” she whispered.
Mrs. Campbell smiled broadly. Her skin color matched Sidney’s; an even shade of smooth brown sugar. The older woman had higher cheekbones and when she smiled, her eyes lit up.
“Baby, Dayna here is taking you to the spa for me. You girls are going to get a massage and a manicure and pedicure. You’re going to spend the day just taking care of you.”
Sidney’s eyes fluttered and for a moment, I thought she might pass out.
She didn’t. But she did look over at me. “Dayna, I can’t let you do that. I can’t take your time. Ma, I’ll be fine. Please don’t go to any more trouble.”
A crease formed in Mrs. Campbell’s forehead and she said, “You’re as stubborn as a mule. Just listen to your mother for once. Let me do this for you.”
“Ma,” she protested.
“Sidney, this is really more about me than it is about you. I’m not going to sit around worrying all the time. This will make me feel better. Think of it like that,” said Mrs. Campbell. Her tone was still motherly and concerned, but I could tell that Sidney’s protests were done.
Sidney licked her lips and looked at me again. There was a nervousness in her gaze that hadn’t been there before. She glanced at her mother. “Are you coming with us?”
Mrs. Campbell tossed her hand in the air as if the very notion were ridiculous. “I’m past that age.”
“Ma, you’re only sixty-three. You’re not past any age,” Sidney replied.
“I am past that age. Besides, I’m taking my grandchildren to the movies in a few hours and I’m making your father come with us. It’ll be like having three children all over again. My hands are more than full.”
A look of near panic flashed in Sidney’s eyes. “So it’s just me and her?” she asked.
Mrs. Campbell patted her daughter’s leg and she said, “Yes. Now go get dressed. You have an appointment in an hour and you still have to drop me at the house. Get a move on, now.”
There was to be no more discussion.
“Okay, Ma,” Sidney finally whispered before slipping up the stairs.
Mrs. Campbell looked over me. “She’s so stubborn. But I guess I can’t complain too much. She gets it from me.”
I nodded.
“Come on in, Dayna. Have a seat,” she said.
The words weren’t harsh, but I didn’t feel as though “no” was really an option.
As I sat down on the couch next to Sidney’s mother, smelling Mrs. Campbell’s strawberry scent, I wished my own mother could be as wise and as open-hearted as the woman beside me. Mrs. Campbell was a genuine giver; loving and thoughtful, considerate and passionate.
She was the older version of the woman I’d fallen in love with.
“You sure you don’t want to go with us?” I asked her.
Mrs. Campbell smiled. “Oh I’m sure. I hate the spa. Hate having strangers feeling all over my body. Not only that…but….I just think she’ll relax more if I’m not there. You know…you’re her friend. She’ll open up more with her friend than she will with her mother. Maybe she can talk with you about things she doesn’t want to talk about with me.”
This was another type of déjà vu. Another one of Sidney’s loving family members thought I could help guide her to the right path.
I nodded and smiled. “I see you’ve thought ahead.”
“Dayna, I think far, far ahead. I’m always thinking. I do puzzles and crosswords and word searches to keep from thinking too much. And I worry so much about that child of mine. She’s brilliant, you know. Always has
been. She’s got a gift for words like me. And she’s got a logical mind like her father. Brilliant thinker. But I’m afraid for her. And I was afraid before. I was afraid with my son.
“And with him, I just feel like I didn’t do enough. And now……”
She stopped then. Her eyes teared and she had to clear her throat before she continued.
“Well, I don’t even know if my own child is living or dead. Don’t know if he’s clean or not. If he has a place to lay his head. I worried about him, too. But I didn’t do enough. And now…now I can’t do enough for Sidney. I don’t want her to be another question mark in my mind. I will ease her burdens in any way that I can. I know that she seems like she’s alright, but she’s not. I know she’s overwhelmed and I know something is troubling her, but I’m not sure what it is. It’s more than Aaron. More than the kids. More than her job. She doesn’t think I see that, but I do.
“Something’s changed and I don’t know what it is. Maybe she’ll talk about it with you. Maybe she’ll talk about it with that therapist she’s seeing. I just hope she talks about it with someone before her demons get the better of her. So thank you for taking the time today.”
I was sad then. Sad that I’d given this beautiful woman something else to worry about. I wished we’d left our relationship as friends. That we’d walked away from the desires that drew us together. We both had much more at stake than the desires of our hearts.
It wasn’t long before Sidney reemerged in an outfit that was very similar to mine. We left the house and climbed into my SUV. Mrs. Campbell, despite Sidney’s protests, insisted that she had to sit in the back seat so that she could get out and let us get to our appointment.
Mother and daughter hugged when we made to the Campbell house. Sidney held her mother a long time and though I couldn’t hear what was said, I knew it was some measure of gratitude.
Mrs. Campbell waved us off, smiling as she stood on the curb, her eyes so warm and soft I almost wished I didn’t have to leave her presence.
And then we were alone.
There was a tension in the air that was more real than imagined. Anxiety flooded me, pumped out adrenaline into my veins and made it hard to relax. My heart pounded faster than it should have. My throat was dry and I could feel a sheen of sweet on my brow. The last time we’d been in a car together she was beneath me in the back seat. Phantom moans of that last time tickled my ears.