by Shea Lynn
I blinked and gripped the steering wheel tighter, attempting to calm the racing beat of my heart.
Sidney was silent, her eyes focused on the road before us. She was slouched down in her seat, her posture screaming defeat.
We came to a stop behind two cars at a red light. After swallowing thickly, I asked her, “How have you been?”
My breaking of the shared silence gave me permission to stare at her. I’d been catching glimpses from my peripheral vision, but now I gazed at her openly; using my peripheral to watch for the movement of traffic.
Sidney met my eyes briefly, tossing me a tight smile before she looked away and back at the road. “Light’s green,” she whispered.
I nodded and returned my focus to driving.
“I’ve been fine, Sweetie. How have you been?” she finally answered.
“Sweetie” sounded nice on her lips for my ears. It made the awkwardness fade away.
I mumbled something about doing well and then she said, “You don’t have to do this. We don’t have to do this. I know my mother means well, but she doesn’t understand what’s happened between us. She only wants to help.”
I glanced over at Sidney, “Then let her help. It’s no trouble for me.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked.
“Of course I’m sure.”
We were quiet for a minute when I said, “She doesn’t know about us. About what’s happened between us. But she knows that something is stressing you out. She knows that it’s more than your marriage and your job.”
Sidney turned around then and though my eyes were back on the road, I could see her out of the corner of my eye.
“She told you that?” Sidney asked.
“She did. This morning. She’s really worried about you and she knows something is off. And that…that makes me worry, too. Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked, my voice my soft.
She nodded and told me she was just fine.
“I still love you, Sidney. That hasn’t changed. It doesn’t just go away,” I whispered.
She looked away then and whispered, “No, it doesn’t.”
When we reached the parking lot of the Effervescent Spa, Sidney asked me, “What’s going on with you and Cameron?”
I pulled into a space and turned off the engine. “What do you mean?”
Sidney met my gaze and I saw too much in her eyes. Too much longing. Too much intensity. Too much of wanting me and I looked away. She told she’d heard about me wanting a divorce. That Cameron had moved out again.
I shrugged. “Sid, I don’t want to talk about that. We’ll talk later. For now…let’s go get pampered, okay?”
She sighed and grabbed my hand, squeezed it gently and said, “We can talk whenever you’re ready. But I need to know how you’re doing. I need to know that you’re okay. You’re not the only one that worries, Sweetie.”
My eyes watered and my lips trembled
“I’ve missed you so much,” I whispered.
Sidney placed a warm hand on my thigh. “I’ve missed you, too. Aaron told me what he knew last night and I couldn’t stop worrying about you. Wondering if you were okay. You know you could have called me. You can always call me.”
I nodded. “I’m fine. Short story is….I’m okay. Long story we’ll save for after our appointment. Okay?”
Sidney smiled then. “So what comes after the appointment? Is that all planned out, too?”
I smiled as well and with that smile, tension slid away from me. “Maybe,” I said, teasingly. “Guess you’ll have to find out.”
I pulled on the handle to open my door and she held onto my forearm with her hand. “I’m glad I’m here with you, Dayna. It’s good to see you.”
I swallowed thickly over the lump in my throat and smiled. “I know. Let’s go.”
We walked into Effervescent and a friendly attendant smiled at us. She told us her name was Rachel and she led us to a chic changing room with small lockers. Sidney and I were given matching, thick white robes and told to change.
I thought that might be awkward, but it wasn’t. The tension between us had gone, replaced by an excitement to be together again. As soon as we were changed, our two massage therapists appeared and escorted us to a candle-lit room with two massage tables set up side by side. The room smelled like Jasmine and there was a mix of soft, relaxing music playing in the background.
We were instructed to let the therapists know if we wanted to change the scent or if we wanted to hear a different style of music.
Sidney and I were both comfortable with the smell and the sounds and the therapists took a short leave to allow us to get settled into the massage tables. We disrobed and lay down on the tables, fitting our faces into the cushioned holes at the end of the table.
I pulled the sheet up to cover myself and tried to get comfortable.
That wasn’t quite so easy when we were only a foot apart and nearly naked beneath the sheets.
There was a brief rap on the door before our therapists returned and proceeded to knead all of the tension from our bodies. As warm hands rubbed me from the nape of my neck to the bottoms of my feet, my mind began to disengage. I drifted into a dreamlike state that hung slightly off full consciousness.
In that state, the hands on my body became her hands. Images of her easing away the knots in my neck flitted across my mind and it was only when the hands stilled and the soft voice of my therapist told me the massage was over that I finally awoke.
Two sets of footsteps exited the room.
I lay there a moment, relishing the feel of relaxation. The feeling was so rare and so wonderful that I had to take a moment to simply enjoy it.
“Do you feel as good as I feel?” Sidney whispered.
“Maybe better.”
“Then you must be floating on a cloud.”
“I am.”
It wasn’t long before I floated back into my robe and we were escorted into the salon for a mani-pedi. As our feet and hands were pampered, we nibbled on tasty snacks and sipped fresh fruit juices. My smile didn’t leave me until our time at Effervescent came to an end.
We decided on sushi for lunch at a place named Shoji. On the way over, she called her mother to thank her and to tell her how wonderful she felt.
I was on my second spicy tuna roll when Sidney asked me for the longer version of the short story and I filled in the details she’d missed in recent weeks.
Time appeared to be our enemy. Before I knew it, our plates were empty and the check was delivered to our table.
Sidney smiled at me. “Looks like we’re about done.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“I did,” she said. Her smile faded away and she asked, “Does that mean the day is over for us?’
I sighed and met her eyes. “It doesn’t have to be.”
Her smile returned. “Good. I’m enjoying you. Where are we going now?”
I thought a moment and responded, “A little place around the way that I know of. Let’s get out of here.”
Chapter Fifty-Eight: Sidney
The little place around the way turned out to be Dayna’s house.
It didn’t matter to me where we went. I just knew I didn’t want to leave her side. When we made it inside, she slipped off to use the restroom. I wandered around her living room, studying the photographs on the walls and on the tables.
“You keep yourself busy?” Dayna asked me, walking into the room.
I smiled and met her eyes with my own. “I did. Nina really looks like her father,” I said, gesturing to the picture I’d been studying.
“She does. She looks like him. Acts like him. It’s almost as if I had nothing to do with it. But it’s better that way. I think it’s made them closer.”
I walked over to a sliding glass door that led to a small, covered patio and Dayna’s small yard.
“Can we sit out here?” I asked, wanting to enjoy the feel of the warm, summer air.
“Yeah. I was out here last night.�
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We sat down in two lawn chairs on the patio. I gazed over at her yard with its patchy brown spots and uneven tones of green. “Dayna, girl…my mama would have a stroke if she saw this yard looking like this. It’s a hot mess.”
She chuckled. “I don’t even think about this little patch of nothing back here.”
“Well you should. It’s showing signs of neglect. What happened to the flowers we planted out here?”
That was another memory we had together. A shared space of time that was warm and comforting.
“I tried to keep them alive. I really did. But…I think they were suicidal.”
She smirked. “Right. Suicide is just rampant about the plant and flower population.”
Dayna looked out at the grass and said, “Or maybe they just missed you too much. They wouldn’t be the only ones.”
Those words struck me. They made my heart ache and race at the same time. I didn’t know why, but I reached for her hand and held it in mine.
“Can I tell you something, Dayna?” I said.
“Anything,” she replied, her eyes still on the grass.
“I’m scared.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve missed you, too. I’ve missed you as more than just my friend,” I said.
Dayna squeezed my hand and sighed. “I know. I see it when you look at me.”
“Why does this feel so right? Why does it feel so good? Just being around you feels so nice.”
“Why does it scare you so much?” she asked.
“Because it makes me think I can’t be fixed. That maybe this thing between us is more than just a phase. And if it is more than just a phase…then what does that mean?”
Dayna looked over at me before she tugged at my hand. “I want to go inside now.”
“You sure?” I asked.
She nodded and I followed her back into the house, our hands still connected. With her free hand, she pulled the vertical blinds closed and the room grew much dimmer.
There was a current flowing between us. An unmistakable power we shared and both well understood. My heart beat faster and faster, my chest heaving as I struggled to keep my breath even. A glow of sweat danced at my hairline. I licked my lips.
Dayna pulled me to her, her lips intent on tasting mine.
“Don’t.” I whispered.
We were an inch apart. Our pupils facing each other. The current still flowing.
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“Why?” she asked again, her eyes searching mine for answers.
“Don’t do this. We’re doing so good,” I whispered.
“No, we’re not. I see that in your eyes. I know why you aren’t yourself. And you know that I know.”
Her close proximity had my head swimming. I wanted her to kiss me. I wanted her so badly.
“It’ll only set us back,” I whispered.
“One kiss.”
“And then? What comes next?” I asked.
Her dark brown eyes moved down, caressing my lips with a smoldering gaze. “I’ll stop if you want me to,” she said.
She tasted me and the feel of her lips on my lips, of her hands on my hips, felt so right. One kiss and I was already drunk with her. I moaned and held her tighter. Crushed her to me, slid my thigh between her legs. Slipped my hands beneath her shirt and felt the smoothness of her skin. The want was still there. It had mushroomed. The intensity of tasting her, touching her, absorbing her, made me weak.
I grazed my teeth against the skin of her neck. Inhaled the fragrance of coconuts and jasmine oil and the me that used to be shattered into a million pieces.
I kissed her again, making love to her tongue. Caressing her curves. I needed her. Right then. I couldn’t wait anymore. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t process. Couldn’t determine a logical path to pull myself away from her.
She was what I wanted. What I needed. What I’d known I’d needed. The tiny pea beneath my layers of mattresses and quilts. The solution to what ailed me. I kissed her again and again until she laid me down upstairs in her bed and trailed a path of kisses from my lips and pulled the shirt from my body. My bra soon followed and then her lips were on my breasts and my hips rose up to meet her abdomen.
I moaned again and my body felt alive. My mind free. Every sensation was magnified. Every touch electrifying. She teased my taut nipples with her tongue. Tasted me in lazy waves of tongue and lips and nips and teases until she asked me what I wanted and I begged for her to make love to me. Begged for her to make the ache go away.
Her skin was upon mine. Flesh to flesh. I was wet. So wet she slid through my secrets with ease and slipped inside of me as though my body had simply been waiting for her.
I lay back on the bed, my arms outstretched, the muscles in my arms and legs completely unable to move. She whispered over and over that she loved me and that she’d missed me. And the chorus of her hushed and heated words heightened my pleasure.
I felt high, so high. So light. So free. And so complete in her arms. Under her touch.
I moaned louder now. Her name on my lips. My hips moving fast. My chest heaving. My body begging for release.
And she whispered louder.
And my hips moved faster.
And my moans grew louder still.
And then I screamed her name and clung to her as I exploded and was reborn.
Chapter Fifty-Nine: Dayna
She left me that night to go back home to him. It was hard to watch her leave and her eyes had shined with tears, but we both knew that she had to go back home. That night I tossed and turned, unable to find sleep and unable to settle the racing thoughts in my mind. Images of her flashed behind my eyes and the scent of her tickled my memories.
I thought it so ironic that I’d never experienced this type of burning passion before. I’d never been brought to the brink of madness by the power of desire.
The next morning I sat beside her during Sunday service. I’d been a little late and had rushed into the pew as the choir sang. Sitting down on the plush red cushion, the scent of her found me yet again. I shivered, unable to stop the involuntary licking of my lips or the racing pace of my heart. I met her gaze out of the corner of my eye and she placed her hand on top of mine.
And though my body craved Sidney, it didn’t at all bother me that we shared a touch sitting on a pew in the sanctuary. I didn’t feel sinful.
I felt comfortable.
Things were different now. I knew I loved her. I knew that she loved me. And I no longer believed that God didn’t love us still. There was a calm in the knowing and the accepting and that calm stayed with me as we parted ways after church and it hung around throughout the week. Sidney and I spoke every day and rarely did we end a conversation without saying “I love you.”
She had shared with me the link her sister had sent her about the Metropolitan Community Church. I’d read and re-read the information on the website that sliced through scriptures and sought to debunk the myths of the bible and homosexuality.
And I prayed.
And I grew calmer and stronger.
I realized that the connection between us was deeper than our kisses and our lovemaking. It was more than lust or want.
Our bond was filling and satiating and I knew that having her in my life could not possibly have been chance or circumstance. Sidney had been placed in my life for a reason and I in hers.
Loving her was not something I could turn off or pause. That love was always there, whether I wanted it or not. Whether it was convenient or not.
Loving her was natural. Organic. Not borne out of a need to meet anyone’s expectations or fulfill a destiny I had not crafted.
A week after our time at Effervescent, I was pulling on my pajamas on Friday evening when the doorbell rang. Nina had been watching a movie on my bed and she hopped up and ran out of the room, leaving only a blur of dancing, beaded braids in her wake.
“I’ll see who it is!” she called.
My
nerves were dancing and my brow was furrowed as I yanked my long-sleeved pajama top down over my head and pulled on the matching, loose-fitting pants.
“What does he want now?” I hissed, rushing after Nina.
I knew it was Cameron. It was always Cameron. I wondered what new plan he had for us. What new revelation he’d discovered about fidelity and his ability to live Christ-like.
I was wrong.
It wasn’t Cameron.
“Auntie Sidney!” Nina chimed. Her voice floated over to me as I finished the last of the stairs and headed for the front door.
Nina was already in Sidney’s arms, hugging her tightly. The two of them were so cute together. The warm smiles they shared melted away all of the frustration and anger I’d been feeling at Nina’s mad dash for the front door.
“How are you, Sweet Pea?” asked Sidney.
“I’m good,” Nina replied.
I stood at the bottom of the stairs, listening to Sidney chit-chat with my only child. They spoke of bath-times, bubbles, and favorite dolls until I cleared my throat and emerged from the shadows.
Again, my breath caught in my throat at the sight of her. In jeans and t-shirt, I was still drawn to her. An involuntary smile eased itself across my lips and I said, “Hey Sidney.”
She smiled at me and my heart fluttered.
“Sweetie, you’re going to miss your movie,” I reminded Nina.
My baby girl’s eyes lit up and she raced away from us and up the stairs.
When we were alone, our eyes met and I moved into her space. She placed her hands on my hips and whispered, “I had to see you.”
I closed my eyes then, savoring the essence of her; my center aching, my wetness growing.
When I opened my eyes, her dark brown pools were swimming in unshed tears. But I knew they were happy tears. “I missed you,” I said.
I saw her eyes dart upstairs, hunting for signs of Nina, before she leaned in and kissed me softly. With a strength I didn’t know I possessed, I pulled her inside and closed and locked the door behind her.