by Ellen Joy
“Hannah,” she said as she opened the door. “How can I help you?”
Hannah wrung her hands. “Mrs. Curtis, I’m afraid I’m going to be late with the rent. About a week.”
Mrs. Curtis’s face wrinkled. “Is everything alright?”
Hannah nodded. “Yes, but I just started a new job, and my paycheck is off by a week now.”
“You should start trying to save some money,” her elderly neighbor chided, but she was right, of course. One missing paycheck and Hannah was broke.
“One week is fine,” the landlady said, giving her an uncertain smile. “Just so long as it’s no later than that.”
Hannah knew she had been wary of taking on a struggling single mother, expecting this sort of grief. She acted a lot like Mr. Hooley, and Hannah was kicking herself over being late, hating to prove her right.
“I’ll pay the late fee,” Hannah said. “And I won’t be late again,” she promised, but it was more of a hope. She needed to find a second job… or a cheaper place.
The empty apartment above the Boudreau barn kept rolling around in her head. It would be so easy. Olivia and Jesse wouldn’t even hesitate to offer it to her. It was the perfect solution if only she was a Boudreau, but she wasn’t. She was a Destin. Worse, she was still legally a Higgins.
“Have you seen your father lately?” the older woman asked.
“Not recently.” Hannah saw her father here and there in town, but most of the time he pretended not to see her. Other times, he’d give her a cold, hard, stare.
“Well, I think you might want to go and see him. I heard he was sick.”
Hannah felt as though the world had tipped on its side, unbalancing her. “Sick with what?”
She tilted her head. “With cancer.”
“Oh.” Hannah whispered. At least a decade had passed since her father had spoken to her, longer since he kicked her out for being a “tramp”.
She mumbled a goodbye and left Mrs. Curtis, her head spinning. The right thing to do would be to go visit him, but he probably wouldn’t even let her in, and if he did, she wouldn’t know what to say. Hey, I heard from my landlady that you’re sick.
When she arrived at Olivia’s, the house was full of chaos. Olivia was running around in a bra and a suit skirt, holding a Mae who had peanut butter smeared all over her face, hair, and hands.
“Oh dear,” she said, as the dog jumped up and licked the baby’s face from chin to forehead.
“Help!”
Hannah began to laugh, taking Mae out of Olivia’s arms and into her own. “What did you do?”
Sticky hands reached out to the dog.
“Yucky, Mae.” Olivia grabbed a towel and ran it under the faucet. She tried wiping the globs of peanut butter off her lavender skirt. “Hannah, do you mind if I go change?”
“That’s why I’m here!” Hannah lifted Mae into the air, away from the dog’s slobbery tongue. “Why don’t I clean you up and get you dressed.”
Mae giggled as Hannah swooped her up and down.
“Jesse’s running the cattle today, he left at three in the morning.” Olivia looked around. “And I have court this afternoon. Do you think you could stay late, tonight?”
Hannah nodded. “I’ll just have to pick Emma up.”
“I’ll leave the car seat in the barn,” Olivia said, and started up the stairs.
Hannah thought about visiting her father. She certainly wouldn’t bring Emma near him before checking his mood. Would cancer change the stubborn old man? Or would the illness make him even colder and harder?
Should she even visit? She hadn’t deserved to be treated like a piece of trash for one mistake, and he’d never even wanted to know his granddaughter. Joel Destin didn’t deserve to know her. He deserved his loneliness.
Mae knelt on the floor, holding a toy horse up in the air. It reminded Hannah of a figurine she’d had when she was a kid. A birthday gift from her parents. One of the happiest moments of her childhood, left behind when her mother took her away.
The front door opened, and Maggie came inside.
“Na-na!” Mae called out.
“Look at you, playing with your horsey,” Maggie said. “Good morning, Hannah.”
“Good morning.” Hannah waved at the matriarch. “Were you at the women’s bible study?”
“Yes, I was.” She snapped her finger at Hannah and said, “You should start coming with me. You can bring Mae.”
“That sounds nice.” Hannah hadn’t been to a bible study before. She always went to Sunday services, but since she wasn’t technically a church member, she didn’t participate in the extra activities. But maybe she should look beyond herself to get some answers, because she certainly wasn’t finding any inside. “Who runs it?”
“We do.” Maggie put her purse away. “Pastor Anita is part of the group, but most of the time, it’s one of the women leading it.”
Hannah shook her head. “I don’t think I could run a class.”
“Don’t be so sure, you might surprise yourself.” Maggie winked at her. “How about I make some lunch, and we eat out on the porch?”
Hannah got up from the floor. “No need, I can do lunch.”
“You have enough to do with Mae, let me.” Maggie headed into the kitchen.
Hannah thought about how Maggie always knew the right thing to do. Maybe she would know what Hannah should do about her father. Maggie’s husband John had passed away from cancer. She understood the process. But was it ill of her to ask about something so hard to talk about?
Hannah got up from the floor. “At least let us help, right Mae?”
Little arms reached up to Hannah, and she picked the baby up and carried her to the kitchen. “Would you like to help put the plates out on the table?”
Mae nodded her head with big, exaggerated motions. “Yessss.” Her s sounded comically like a snake’s hiss.
“Show me where the plates are.” A chubby finger pointed to the cabinets. Hannah pulled out some colorful plastic dishes. “Are these Mae’s plates?”
“Yeah!” she squealed. “Mae’ssss plaatesssss.”
Soon, the porch table was set for three. The day couldn’t be finer. Seventies, sunny, and a slight breeze.
“Sure is a beautiful day,” Maggie said, as she bit into her tuna fish sandwich.
“Mmm hmm,” Hannah nodded, thinking about her father.
“You alright?” Maggie asked.
“I heard some news about my dad, and I guess I don’t know what to do with it.”
Maggie nodded, but didn’t pry. “That’s always a hard position to be in.”
Hannah nodded, then let out a long breath. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure thing.” Maggie folded her hands together, waiting for Hannah to speak.
“I found out he has cancer.”
“Oh, dear,” Maggie said, reaching her hand across the table to Hannah. “I’m so sorry.”
“Is it wrong that I don’t feel sad for him?” Hannah let it out before she even thought about what she was saying. Maggie probably thought she was a horrible person.
But instead, Maggie shook her head. “No, you have a right to your feelings.” But she could hear a hesitation in Maggie’s words, as if she was pausing to choose just the right ones. “Are you going to tell Emma?”
“I don’t know.” She had never really talked to her daughter about Joel Destin. She’d never told her about how he hadn’t reached out when she was born, or even once asked her name.
Maggie nodded.
“Do you think I should go to see him?”
She shrugged. “I think you should do what you think is best.”
“That’s just it, I have no idea.” Hannah played with a potato chip. “Do I owe him, because I’m his daughter? Do I just forget how cruel he was to me? To us!” Hannah could feel the emotions she had pushed away for so many years building up inside her chest. “He didn’t care what happened to me, or to Emma. I was just a scared kid! How can I forgive hi
m for that?”
“You’re absolutely right.” Maggie sighed, her face pained. “But maybe forgiveness isn’t just about him.”
Jake didn’t usually go to his parents’ place unless there was a direct invitation, but today, he called and invited himself over. Elaine had her ladies’ golf club that morning but said she would be home shortly after lunch.
When she answered the front door, she was still in her golfing attire.
“How was your game?” he asked, not really caring about the answer.
“Good,” she said, leaning over for a kiss on the cheek. “I ran into your fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Hoffman. Do you remember that field trip to Fort Snelling?”
He nodded. “Yes. I think I spent my entire allowance on rock candy.”
“You did.” She made a face. “That stuff is so disgusting.”
She walked toward the kitchen, and he followed. “So, what do you need?”
He decided to just get straight to it. “I heard you offered Hannah Higgins a job?”
“I did.” She looked back at him. “Is that a crime?”
He rolled his eyes. “Did you do it in front of the whole congregation?”
She stopped and swung around to face him. “Is that what she said?”
“No, but I can’t think of another time you talked to her at church, other than when you sat in her pew.”
She looked at him. “You like her.”
“What?”
“You like the girl.” She smiled and went back to the kitchen. “I offered her a job because you were worried about her. I thought that was a nice thing to do. Am I wrong?”
“No, but I look like a bigmouth, with you and Julia both offering jobs.”
“Julia did, too?” She smiled. “Water? Tea?”
He shook his head.
“That was very nice of Julia, don’t you think?”
“That’s not really the point.”
“You were just being a good neighbor. Any decent human being would stand up for someone who needed it. You just got tangled up in her situation, and I thought I’d offer some help, since we can afford to.”
“What kind of job did you offer her?”
“Oh, just a few hours cleaning house, once a week.”
“Seriously?”
“Hey. I cleaned houses.” Her cheery attitude quickly turned to a defensive frown. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“Mom, can’t you see where I’m coming from? A complete stranger asks her to clean their house, right in the middle of church? She doesn’t know your background. All she knows is that you’re some rich woman who lives in the big house on the hill.”
“Someone from her community offering her support is a bad thing?” She shook her head. “I see you two have something in common.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“You’re both stubborn, and holding onto your pride with both hands.”
“My pride?”
“You won’t even give Ted a chance.”
“Here we go.” He rolled his eyes, wondering how he could stop this train from pulling out of the station. “Do we really have to bring Ted up every time?”
“Well, if you’re here to give me a hard time for trying to help a woman in my church, then I’ll give you a hard time for not trying with Ted, who’s a part of your own family.”
“Do you judge him the same way?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“Ted was raised not to show his emotions,” she said, her typical excuse for his stepfather.
“I was raised by a strong woman who taught me not to take crap from anyone.”
It was a low blow, and he could see she felt it. “If that’s what you think Ted did by giving you a home, and paying for everything, sports, clothes, and...”
“He told me to be gone at eighteen.”
“He did the same to Josh. And James.” She shook her head. “Jake, stop and consider that maybe he treated you exactly how he treated his other children. No one told you to go into the Marines. You signed up without anyone knowing.”
This was true. No one had pushed him to sign up, but Ted hadn’t exactly offered a place of refuge, either.
“He’s not a perfect man,” she said. “But he’s provided for you and me. He took us in when the world spit us out. Just like you’re doing for that girl.”
“Hannah,” he corrected her. “Not that girl. You make her sound like a stray dog.”
“You and Ted are more alike than you know.”
He shook his head. “I am nothing like Ted.”
She squeezed his arms, then reached around to give him a hug. “You are a good man, Jacob, just like your stepfather.”
What exactly did she see in Ted that he couldn’t?
“So, tell me about her?” she asked, putting the kettle on the stove. The burner clicked and flames rose up.
“That’s how I got in trouble the last time,” he growled, but he realized he didn’t really know much about Hannah Higgins.
“What about Allison?”
He sat down on a stool at the kitchen island. “What about her?”
“You certainly can’t be someone’s knight in shining armor when you are dating someone else.” She put a hand on her hip. “I didn’t raise you to be that kind of man.”
“You’re right. I should talk to Allison.”
His mother looked up, surprised by his answer. “You’re really that serious about this girl?”
He looked down at his hands, not really sure what he was doing, but said, “Yeah, I guess maybe I am.”
Hannah had finally made her decision. “Are you sure you don’t need me?”
“I can watch Mae until you return. Go see your father.”
Hannah shook her head. “Maybe this is a bad idea. I don’t know what to say.”
Maggie squeezed her hands. “I promise you will not regret taking this step, but you might regret it if you don’t.”
“I’m afraid.”
Maggie smiled. “Let’s go together.”
“No, Maggie, I couldn’t.”
Maggie let go of her hands, then walked over to the back door to pick up her purse. “You can drive, and I’ll stay in the car with Mae.”
“You’re not taking no for an answer, are you?”
Maggie shook her head.
Hannah blew out a long breath. “Okay.”
They packed the diaper bag full of snacks, toys, and wipes. On the drive, Hannah practiced what she was going to say. When she pulled up to the familiar house, her stomach twisted, knotting itself up.
“Look him in the eye,” Maggie said. “Don’t let him take your strength away.”
What strength? Hannah thought. She had never stood up for herself. Over and over again, she’d allowed men – her father, Troy, the Hooleys – to treat her badly. She never even saw it, except in hindsight.
“I don’t think I can do this,” she said, looking out at the unkempt yard. A pick-up truck sat in the driveway.
“You’re going to be okay.” Maggie assured her, but Hannah wasn’t so sure. Joel Destin had never laid a hand on her, but his volatile behavior always scared her. Maggie took her hand and said, “Dear Lord, lead Hannah through this moment of trouble, and allow her to find peace in whatever may happen.”
Hannah inhaled deeply before reaching for the door handle and getting out of the car. She walked up the familiar sidewalk, memories flooding into her with each step. She stepped up to the front door and rang the doorbell. She waited for a minute, listening. She heard nothing. She looked back at Maggie in the passenger’s seat.
Ring it again, she mouthed behind the window.
Hannah pressed the button, and this time she heard the footsteps, slow, loud, angry.
“Who is it?” a low voice called out as the front door swung open. His mouth dropped open as he saw her standing there.
“It’s Hannah.” The little girl she’d tried so hard to forget returned at that moment.
He grimaced. “What d
o you want?”
The harshness of his words sliced into her like a sudden paper cut. Just like when she was a girl, she’d held out just a little bit of hope he’d be happy to see her. But she should have known better than to believe in fairytales.
As she looked down at her feet, she remembered Maggie’s advice and lifted her chin, looking him in the eye. “I heard you were sick.”
“You coming for my stuff?” he hissed.
She shouldn’t have been taken back by his manner. He had never been any different.
“No.” She squared her shoulders. “I plan to tell my daughter that her grandfather has cancer, and I wanted to know if you wanted to meet her, but only if you can be civil.”
It wasn’t exactly how she had prepared it in her head, but she got it out.
At first, he just stared at her. “You never told her who her grandfather was?”
For the first time in Hannah’s life, her father looked vulnerable. Weak. She noticed he was practically bald, and completely gray. The deep, dark crevices on his face made him look ancient.
“I didn’t know how to explain why he never wanted to meet her,” she said levelly.
“You were the one who never came back!” he huffed.
“You kicked me out when I was pregnant,” she growled, then shook her head. “This was a mistake.”
“You’re right about that!” he yelled.
She turned away, praying she hadn’t pushed him too far. She didn’t want him to come after her, like he always had with her mother. He had a thing about getting the last word. But instead, she heard a door slamming behind her, and saw that Maggie was out of the car and waiting for her, her arms wide.
“Joel Destin is beyond lucky to have a daughter like you,” she said, as she held Hannah.
“It’s fine.” She held her head up, pretending not to care. “I know now that I shouldn’t tell Emma anything, that’s all. He doesn’t want to meet her.”
Now she could let go. Yet, as she pulled away from her childhood home, it felt more like falling down than moving on.
Chapter 6