by Ellen Joy
“Hannah, talk to me,” he pleaded.
“I should go home.”
“The last thing you should do is leave.” He placed his hand on hers. “Stay and have a good time.” Something about the way she looked at him told him everything. “This is not your fault.”
He saw the tears trying to break the surface, but she held them back, pulling her hand away from his. “Whether I like it or not, Troy’s a part of my life. No matter what. He’s Emma’s father.” She shook her head. “And technically my husband.”
“Please! I know this sounds crazy, but there’s something between us. I know you feel it, too.” He waited for a reaction, anything that would let him know how she felt, but she didn’t say anything. “Tell me I’m not crazy.”
She blew out a long breath, blinking the tears back, and gave him a lopsided smile. “Maybe we’re both crazy.”
He stepped closer, reaching for her hand again.
“I’m messy. I mean, really, really messy.” She looked at the ground.
“You haven’t really met my family,” he joked, which made her smile a bit more. He took her hand. “I like your kind of messy.” And he started to lead her away from the noise and watching eyes.
“Where are we going?” she asked, and her smile was more relaxed, her tears gone.
“I don’t know,” he said. “Somewhere quiet.” She squeezed his hand.
“I know the prettiest spot ever.” She pulled him along, and he could feel his chest inflate like a balloon with relief and expectation.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” she asked, standing at the foot of the wooden dock that jutted out into the water.
“I didn’t even know this place existed.” He followed her to the edge of the water, twinkling in the afternoon sun.
She shaded her eyes against the light as she looked out at the rippling waves, trying to keep her cool. His words echoed in her head. He had fallen for a helpless, single-mom daughter of a wife-beating drunk?
She took a deep breath. “I can’t be more than friends until I settle everything with Troy.” She didn’t want him to have any ammunition if she had to go to court.
He looked at her and nodded. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
Chapter 9
Emma had fallen asleep in the passenger’s seat on the way home. Hannah was glad, because she wanted to live in her head, relive the moments with Jake at the farm.
But she was married… no. She was just kidding herself. The last day Troy had really been her husband was the day Rosie kicked him off the farm for throwing a picture frame at Hannah’s face while she was holding baby Emma. The tears had flowed that day, too. “Hannah, I’m so, so, so sorry.” The same way they did any time he lost control. First the tears and wheedling, and when that didn’t work, the insults hurled as he stormed away.
When she was about to pull onto her street, she saw Troy’s truck waiting in front of her apartment building. Her heart began to race. What should she do? Keep driving, or risk a scene in front of their daughter?
She opted to keep going. She looked over her shoulder, and saw his headlights flash and his truck pull into reverse.
She floored the gas when she hit Fourth Street and headed straight back to the farm. She kept her eyes on the road. She couldn’t tell if he was following her or not, and she didn’t care if the police pulled her over. In fact, she’d welcome it. Otherwise, she wasn’t slowing down until she was at the farm.
She made a fast turn into the driveway and pulled right up to the house. The lights were all on, and she could see Maggie craning her neck to see who the new arrival was. She tried to get herself together, keeping her eyes on the rearview mirror.
Once she felt relatively sure that he wasn’t going to pull in after her, she left Emma asleep in the car and got out, just as Olivia came out of the house.
“Hey, did you forget something?” she asked, flinging a dishtowel over her shoulder.
Hannah just ran to her, wrapping her arms around her, her whole body shaking, and cried.
“What’s going on?”
“He was at the apartment,” she cried. “And I just got scared.”
“Oh, Hannah,” Olivia said.
“I’m ready.”
“Ready for what?” she asked.
“For the divorce.”
Olivia wrapped her arms around Hannah as she cried. “You’re going to be so happy. You’ll finally be free. And my offer still stands. Move to the farm. You don’t know how he’ll react to the divorce. You shouldn’t be alone.”
Am I being ridiculous? Hannah wondered. Am I just blowing this out of proportion? Maybe Troy was getting himself together. Maybe she didn’t even have to worry about him. But she decided she couldn’t risk it. There was no way she was putting Emma in that position.
The stone in Hannah’s throat made her gasp for air. “Thank you, Olivia.”
“You can sleep in Rosie’s old room tonight, but tomorrow we’ll get your things and move you two into the apartment.” Jesse and Mae peeked out from the window and waved at them. Olivia rubbed Hannah’s back. “Let’s start opening up the windows upstairs. The place will need a good airing.” Olivia started toward the barn.
Emma stirred in the passenger’s seat, rubbing her eyes. “Are we still at the farm?”
Hannah smiled, glad her innocence had been preserved a little longer.
“We’re going to stay here, tonight.”
Emma looked confused, but she didn’t ask any questions, just turned her head and closed her eyes again.
“Come on,” Olivia called. “I haven’t been up there in forever. It’s probably a mess.”
Olivia opened the door and Hannah looked up, instantly thrown back twelve years to when she and Troy first got married. She had been barely eighteen, with a baby and a straying husband. Yet, living on the farm had been the happiest time of her life.
Olivia flipped on the light switch, and the space lit up.
Hannah looked at the small sink and two-burner stove. The fridge would barely fit the amount of milk Emma drank, much less anything else. The avocado-green furniture had to be thirty-plus years old.
“You know, I really missed this place.” She laughed.
Olivia rubbed her back. “Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of your life.”
Jake and Jesse drove out to check the bred cows in the east field at the Gunderson ranch.
“He’s always been trouble,” Jesse said.
Jake slowed the truck as they approached the herd. “She saw him waiting at her apartment?”
“She didn’t talk to him,” Jesse said. “But it scared her enough that she drove back to the farm.”
“I just don’t see why’s she stayed married to him all these years.”
“Emma.” Jesse made a face. “It’s always been about Emma.”
Jake suddenly thought of his mother. She had gone the opposite route. How could he say which of them was right? “She and Emma are all alone in that apartment.” He didn’t like the idea of that.
“Liv and I asked her to stay at the farm,” Jesse said.
“Did she agree?”
Jesse nodded. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you all this, but she’s filed for divorce.”
Jake had so much anger toward Troy, yet he could almost have kissed him, now. His own behavior had driven Hannah to take that final step.
Jesse jumped out of the truck. “In the meantime, you should take Hannah on a horseback ride. Take her to that spot, right over there.”
Jesse pointed to a rolling hill that swelled upward to a peak. He had been there a few times, and understood why Jesse suggested it. It was probably the most beautiful spot in Minnesota. But there was a problem. “I don’t have a horse.”
“Can’t be a rancher without at least one horse on the property,” Jesse teased.
Jake’s ranch didn’t have anything like as much wild pasture as the Gunderson ranch, where a horse would be more practical to traverse some of the
terrain. His ATV seemed to be all he needed.
“I’ve only ridden a few times,” Jake confessed.
“That’s gotta change.” Jesse shook his head. “Something about that spot makes women swoon.”
“Swoon?” Jake laughed.
“You know, Emma likes to ride.”
How did the old country song go? His dog… well, pig… his horse, and his girl. Was Hannah really going to be his girl? He shook his head, feeling like a teenager again. He liked it, though. When was the last time he’d felt this happy?
A long, long time.
The apartment above the barn had one bedroom with a set of French doors, a kitchen along the back wall, and a sliding glass door leading out to a tiny balcony. Hannah remembered when she’d first moved in as a teenager. She’d thought she hit the jackpot with her own balcony. She’d imagined putting out flowers in pretty clay pots, setting up a couple of chairs and a table, maybe even growing herbs or something in the summer.
Troy had hated the apartment. He didn’t like the “witches” watching over him. He felt too far away from his friends. He wanted to be in town. He didn’t like living above the smelly animals.
Now, Hannah felt an excitement she hadn’t felt back then. She looked out at the balcony. There was a table with a couple of chairs and a tiny umbrella. A flower box with three clay pots hung on the rail, ready for planting. She could look out over the fields, see the rows of green crops curling around the rolling hills toward the creek.
It was a dream come true.
“Hey, Jesse’s back,” Olivia called. “Want to go and grab some of your things?”
Hannah put her hands on her hips and nodded firmly. “Yes, let’s go right now.”
When they walked out to the driveway, she saw Jake standing next to Jesse. He removed his hat when he saw the two women approach.
“Jake?”
“I heard you were moving and might need some help?” he half-asked, wringing his hat in his hands.
“That’d be great.”
Olivia grinned, then winked at Jesse as she headed to the truck, pulling Jesse by his sleeve. The kids came running out from the barn.
“Emma, go grab your school bag,” she ordered. She looked down at her feet, making sure they were still on the ground, because she could have sworn she was floating. “I’ll meet you guys at my apartment.”
She hurried to her car, hoping Emma wouldn’t dillydally. She wanted to get back to the apartment quickly, to make sure she hadn’t left underwear lying around, or anything else that Jake didn’t need to see.
When she pulled up, the truck didn’t register at first, but then Emma said, “What’s dad doing here?”
Her heart dropped. Troy stood next to the front door. Hannah knew she only had a few minutes before everyone else showed up.
“Stay here,” she said to Emma. “Let me find out what he wants.”
Emma didn’t complain. She wasn’t close with Troy, hadn’t spent any real time with him in years.
When she got out of the car, he started toward her. He held a yellow envelope in his hand, his face livid. “You’re divorcing me?”
He threw the envelope at her feet.
She stopped where she was, looking around nervously. “Troy, please leave.”
“As far as I know, this is a free country. I can stand wherever I damn well please.” His face darkened. She could smell the booze.
“Mom?” Emma called from the car window. She sounded scared. “Is everything okay?”
“Stay in the car, Emma.” Her heart pounded as she hissed at Troy, “I will call the police if you don’t go.”
He spit on the envelope, and Hannah jumped a little. Then he walked away. She didn’t take a breath until he got into his truck and pulled away.
Just as he was leaving, the Gundersons pulled in. Troy slowed down, revving his engine and then squealing his tires before peeling out of the parking lot.
Hannah reached down to pick up the envelope and saw one of her neighbors watching from behind her curtain. She could feel her eyes welling up from the swift progression of fear and relief. She pulled in a deep breath before she turned around to face the others. She smiled reassuringly at Emma, whose eyes were still wide with alarm.
Jake and Jesse got out and rushed toward her. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, wrapping her arms around her stomach.
“Let’s go inside.”
She couldn’t look at Jake, embarrassed once again. But she wasn’t going to let Troy ruin this day for her and Emma. No, this was the day they were not only moving out, but moving forward as a family. If anything, this moment with Troy marked an end to the era of Hannah letting other people control her emotions.
As she walked into her apartment, she looked down inside the envelope and found the divorce decree ripped to pieces. Well, Troy could rip up the papers all he wanted, but as far as Hannah was concerned, she was now free.
After most of the larger pieces of furniture had been taken, Hannah looked at the half-empty apartment as Emma packed up her room. She remembered being so frightened the first night she’d moved in, new noises, more traffic, and strange people talking next door. She had felt very young and very scared.
After the last of the boxes had been packed and moved, everyone congregated around the table at the farm. Hannah’s heart swelled. If someone had asked what she most wished for, it would have been this moment, right here in this kitchen, everyone sitting together, praying together, talking together as one big family.
When dinner was over, everyone sat on the back porch drinking coffee and tea, talking about the fields and the cows. Country music played in the background as the kids chased lightning bugs in the back yard.
Hannah couldn’t place the feeling she’d had all night. It was a floating feeling, and she kept holding onto things to ground herself. Each time Jake snuck a glance her way, the feeling grew, the electricity between them connecting them in a way that was totally new.
When it was time for him to leave, she walked him out and thanked him for his help. The intensity of his gaze warmed her neck, and something swirled inside her that she had never felt before, an excitement like being on a rollercoaster ride. She found herself struggling to concentrate on his words.
“Maybe you’d like to go for a walk with me tomorrow?” he asked, walking backwards to face her.
“That sounds nice.” She was sure her heart would explode when he smiled at her.
As she walked back up the drive, she refused to let any worries about Troy take root. She had butterflies of memories of Jake, and butterflies of excitement for her new apartment, her new balcony, and a new life for her and Emma.
When she finally dragged Emma inside for the night, she fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow, her mumbled I love you barely audible.
Hannah opened the couch out into a bed. She’d willingly given the only bedroom over to her daughter, who at nearly 13 needed the privacy more than she did.
The next morning, she rose early and just sat looking around the apartment. The small space felt cozy and warm, the wood-paneled walls glowing with fresh polish, the furniture old but well cared for.
“That’s where John and I lived when we first got married,” Maggie explained that morning at the breakfast table. Emma stood by the screen door, waiting for the bus, letting the cooler morning air sigh into the room.
“You did?”
“Yes,” she laughed. “I hated it, at first. Mice, bugs, lots of spiders. I was a city girl, after all.”
Hannah hadn’t really thought of all the little critters that might like to live in the barn, nor of Maggie ever having been a “city girl”.
“But I remember those being some of the happiest days of my life,” Maggie continued. Hannah wondered if Maggie would ever be able to move on, after John. Over the past ten years, she had never seen Maggie even look at another man. Would she stay a widow?
She would never have thought her hear
t would open up again after Troy, but it was happening. She was ready for new possibilities. She was even thinking about taking classes through an online college. She could get some of her general education classes, and then maybe one day she could go for a degree.
“We lived up there when Georgie was born.” Maggie crossed her arms. “Things sure have changed.”
Hannah brought Mae’s plate of uneaten eggs to the sink, and when she looked out the window, she saw a police car slowly pull into the drive. At first, she thought it might just be turning around, but when they continued right up to the house, Emma said, “Maggie, the police are here.”
Her heart sped up when she saw Pastor Phil getting out of the vehicle with the police officer. “Emma, why don’t you go upstairs with Mae.”
Emma didn’t hesitate, just went straight to the highchair, swept the baby up in her arms, and fled up the stairs before the officer reached the porch door.
Maggie didn’t move from her seat, but gripped the arm rests of the wooden chair until her knuckles whitened.
Hannah opened the screen door. “Officer, Pastor Phil, how can we help you?”
The pastor looked at her, not Maggie. “Hannah, is there somewhere we can talk?”
“Me?” Everything seemed to slow down as she heard Pastor Phil begin to speak, but she couldn’t process what was going on. It was as though she had left her body and looked on the scene from above. She led the men to the living room and Maggie sat next to her, taking her hand. Phil held a small leather bible.
“Troy was in an accident.”
Her lungs froze, suffocating her.
“He didn’t make it.”
She looked at the floor, gasping for breath. Troy was dead? Voices echoed around her, but she couldn’t focus on what was being said.
That’s when she heard the thump in her head.
The other shoe had finally dropped.
Chapter 10
The floating feeling left her body like a plane falling out of the sky. She was going to have to tell Emma that her father was dead.