It might have seemed weird to others, but I didn’t trust daycares due to the high amount of awful things reported at them. The workers were only there for a paycheck and did not care about the children. I had heard far too many horror stories. At the same time, leaving her in the care of someone’s parents was a little nerve wrecking. But if for some reason, I felt off about them upon meeting them, I wouldn’t allow my daughter to stay with them. Which is why I insisted on meeting them instead of just dropping her off and leaving.
Soon, we pulled up outside of her friend’s house. Nell got out, and I grabbed her bag. We walked together to the porch where Nell excitedly pushed the doorbell. A few seconds later, a lady in her early thirties opened the door. I assumed this was the mom. A second later, a man appeared behind her, followed by a little girl. Nell’s friend and her father, I assumed.
“Hello. I’m Maggie, Kassondra’s mom. This is my husband, William. And this is Kassondra,” the lady said.
I held my hand out and shook both of their hands. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m James.”
Maggie nodded her head, “Is there anything she is allergic to or maybe something I should know about?”
I shook my head, “Not that I know of, and she’s tried just about everything,” I said with a chuckle.
Kassondra stepped forward and hugged Nell as the parents moved back to let the girls inside. I was a little hurt, but at the last minute, Nell turned around came back.
“I love you, Daddy,” she said, as she wrapped her arms tightly around my waist.
I positioned myself on the ground so I could wrap my arms around her and we could hug a little better. Seeing her friend’s parents together like this made me miss her mom even more, and the fact that she was leaving for the night, well, that didn’t help things either.
With a picture of Whitney in my mind, I tried to think of what she would have said to Maggie. Maybe they would’ve been friends. That would’ve been so nice for her. But I just didn’t think I could be friends with Kassondra’s parents. It was too hard. Because I was by myself, and they had each other. I didn’t know how to handle this whole thing. I know how this worked, and that I was still trying to figure out the parenting thing. But I had to do it alone; I didn’t have a partner anymore, and that’s what hurt the most.
“I love you, baby,” I said and squeezed Nell tightly.
She let go of me and happily followed her friend back inside. I put the father’s number in my phone since I had already had the mother’s number, just in case something happened and Maggie wasn’t around. Then I told them goodbye and waved to my little girl.
Back inside my car, I turned on the ignition and drove away. Picking up my phone, I called Derek.
He answered on the first ring.
“Hey man, what’s going on?” he asked.
“Hey. I just dropped Nell off at a friend’s house for a sleepover. Can I come over?” I needed to spend some time with my good friend. I didn’t think sitting around the house thinking about Nell being gone was going to be very good for me.
“Sure man. Come on over. I’m just hanging out,” he said.
“Alright, I’ll be there soon.” I hung up my phone and tossed it on the seat next to me, then drove on over to Derek’s house.
I didn’t even bother with knocking on the front door when I arrived because Derek and I had been friends for so long. Nell even referred to him as Uncle Derek. I thought it was sweet of her to do that, and Derek just adored her.
“Hey, man. Thanks for stopping by; been awhile,” Derek said from the couch.
I looked over the couch and sat down next to him. “Yeah, you’re welcome. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Nell’s first sleepover, huh?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the TV. It looked like a college football game was on. I didn’t have time for sports these days. I hadn’t had time for really anything since Whitney’s passing.
“Yeah. I don’t really know what to think about that. When I dropped her off at kindergarten on Monday, she pretty much told me to leave,” I said.
He laughed, “She’s always been really independent.”
“Just like her mom,” we both said at the same time.
I was glad to be there with Derek and eventually started to relax a bit. I knew I could really use some time with him and a few laughs since I’d been feeling so down.
Derek looked at me. “So, you gonna tell me what’s going on?” He picked up the TV remote from the arm of the couch next to him and pointed it at the TV, shutting it off.
He’d always been really good at picking up on cues. Whenever Whitney and I were fighting and Derek was around either one of us, he knew right away, and he was always the one that told us we were being silly. He was the one that helped us out when we experienced a rough patch.
I cleared my throat, “It’s just tough, you know? I just saw the parents of Nell’s friend, together there as a family, and it made me miss Whitney more than ever,” I said.
“You know what, man?” he asked me.
“What’s that?”
“I think that tonight is the perfect time for us to go out and get some drinks. We haven’t been able to do that in a long time. Nell’s at a friend’s house, so she is taken care of, and you can crash here at my place. We can call a cab, so need to worry about a designated driver. What do you say, man?”
I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to go out or not. There were other useful things I could be doing with my time. But, he had a point. We hadn’t really done anything together in quite a long time. I missed hanging out with him, and I knew I could use a break. It might help me relieve some of my stress, take my mind off things, and hey, I might even get some sleep.
“All right, man. Let’s do it,” I said.
That night, a couple hours later, we called a cab and headed out to the local bar. I was a little nervous since I literally hadn’t been there in two years. That was quite a long time, considering I used to go there all the time with Derek.
We went inside and found a couple vacant bar stools, then both ordered a Jack and Coke. It was Whitney’s signature drink. If we are watching a football game or something, we’d drink a beer together. But when we went out, we almost always got Jack and Coke.
The bartender set my drink down in front of me. I took a sip and cringed, not used to the hard alcohol. I hadn’t had a real drink in a long time.
“I know you miss her, man. Believe it or not, I miss her too,” Derek said, and it took me by surprise. Up until that point, I hadn’t ever heard him say anything like that.
“Thanks, man. It means a lot to hear you say that,” I said, and finished up my drink.
The bartender walked over.
“Can I get you another one?” he asked.
“Sure thing,” I said back to him.
A couple minutes later, there was a fresh drink sitting in front of me, but it didn’t stay there very long. I downed the drink right in front of the bartender. I nodded, letting him know that I did want another one. I didn’t really care if I was going to get drunk. Maybe I was even trying to.
We started talking about Derek and his life, just catching up on things. The next thing we knew, two women approached us. They both looked to be in their late twenties. Both of them showed signs of plastic surgery. One sat by Derek, the other by me, and the four of us started talking.
It wasn’t so bad at first but quickly started to feel awkward. While the two girls were fairly attractive, and I might have been interested had this been before I met Whitney, but something just didn’t feel right. I felt too old. Here we were sitting at a bar, and hitting on girls. Well, Derek was hitting on girls; I really wasn’t.
That just wasn’t me; it wasn’t the person I was, and hadn’t been in a really long time. I didn’t think I was ever going to be that person again.
“Hey, man,” I said to Derek, and he turned and looked at me. “I think I want to take off. Thanks for the drink, and the talk. It really means a lot
.”
Derek gave me a funny look, “Are you sure?”
I nodded my head, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
Derek stood up, “Alright, man. Get home safe, huh?” He held his hand out to me, and I took it, then we grasped each other in a bro hug.
“Sorry, ladies, but I’m going to head out. It was nice to meet you,” I said.
“It was nice to meet you too,” said the girl who sat next to me. I didn’t even remember her name at this point, and it wasn’t because I was drunk. It was because I didn’t care.
I said goodbye one more time, then I headed outside and called a cab to take me home. When I got there, I went to bed, but I didn’t go to sleep. I laid in my bed and thought about Nell. I hoped she was doing okay at her friend’s house, but realized that I was probably struggling with it more than she was.
It surprised me at how drunk I’d gotten off of just three drinks, but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t drink that often. My head felt fuzzy, and I was a little dizzy. I knew I should have eaten more before I drank, and I shouldn’t have chugged them the way I did. I knew I was going to have a hell of a hangover in the morning.
Then I thought about Whitney, and how much I missed her. How much I just wanted to hold her. I let myself really cry for the first time in a while. Not just tears, but great heaving sobs. I hated crying, but I couldn’t help it. Not when it came to Whitney. She had been my entire world, and when she got sick, I really believed that she was going to pull through. And when she didn’t, it was the worst thing I’d ever gone through in my life.
My tears finally stopped, and I was exhausted—both mentally and physically. It was strange to be alone in the house, and I found that I missed Nell more and more. It made me think twice about letting her go to a friend’s house again because I just didn’t think I could handle it. I hated being away from her, and I wondered what that meant for me in the future. What would happen when she went off to college? What was I going to do then? I couldn’t hold her back and prevent her from having a life, just because I couldn’t have one for myself.
My brain finally shut off about an hour later, and I was rescued by sleep.
Chapter 12
Rachel
I was sitting at my desk, answering some emails and comments on the website. I was alone at the office while James had gone to pick up Nell. I had to admit that I really liked it when Nell was here. Mostly because it gave me something to do, and it didn’t feel so awkward. I still didn’t know James that well, but I knew I wanted to work on that. At least so we could have conversations at work that didn’t feel so uncomfortable.
He was a hard person to figure out, and I just couldn’t seem to get past his walls. I knew there was good reasoning behind it, just like me. I had been through a lot over the last couple of years. So, I sure couldn’t judge him for having walls up. I had built my own fortress, and hid behind my own troubles. I didn’t like to let people in either, which was what made James and me so much alike.
When James and Nell stepped into the office, I knew something was wrong right away. She looked really upset, and he looked angry. I tried to stay out of it because I knew it wasn’t my place to say anything, but I couldn’t help wanting to know what had happened. Besides, maybe I could even help them resolve it somehow.
“That kind of attitude is not acceptable, young lady,” James said, scolding Nell. They walked over to the corner. “You can sit here,” he said, pointing a finger at the corner.
I cringed knowing Nell was sure to be embarrassed by getting into trouble right in front of me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t going to over-step or do something to make James feel like a bad parent. I was sure there was a valid reason she was in trouble. James didn’t seem like the type of person to get angry for no reason.
When Nell looked at me, her big eyes were sad and full of tears. Just then, James turned around and walked over to me. I watched behind him as Nell slowly made her way to the corner.
“She is to sit in timeout for one hour,” he said to me.
I wasn’t sure what to do or say, so I just nodded my head. I felt like the punishment was a little steep, considering her age. What could she have possibly done to deserve something like that? Stepping in and trying to help someone else parent their child didn’t seem like a good idea, and I didn’t want to get myself fired already.
“Okay,” I said.
“I have some work to do upstairs. If you need me, you’ll know where I’ll be,” he said, then walked across the room and up the stairs.
He was my boss, and I had really no say in the matter, so I had to listen to him. But one hour seemed extreme, and she must’ve really done something pretty bad in order to get a punishment like that. So, since I really had no idea what was going on, I thought I would ask Nell what happened.
I got down on the floor next to her, and she didn’t even want to look at me, she was so upset. She was looking down at her hands, and I could still see that there were tears running down her cheeks.
“Nell? Are you okay?” I didn’t want to seem like I was prying, but I wanted her to know that I was there if she needed to talk.
I heard her sniff and knew she was trying to calm herself down. She said, “I just wanted to go to my friend’s house this weekend. My dad didn’t want me to go yet.”
I was surprised that she gave me this information voluntarily. I didn’t even ask her what happened; she just offered it up. So, I didn’t feel like I was really speaking out of turn or getting in the way. But I could tell she was really upset, and I wanted to do something for her. I wanted to make her feel better.
“And your dad put you in timeout for that?” I wondered if maybe there was more to the story than she was telling me since it would be ridiculous to put a six-year-old in timeout just for asking to go to her friend’s house.
She wiped at the tears with the back of her hand, then sniffed and said, “Well, I got mad at my dad. When he said I couldn’t go, it just made me so upset.”
I knew there had to have been more to the story.
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say, and it wasn’t my place. I felt a little awkward now, so I went back to my desk and sat down. Looking at the clock, I checked the time so I would know when her time-out was over.
As I sat down at my desk, I saw the sticky note with messages that had been left for James while he was gone picking Nell up from school. I totally forgot about it because of the drama when they came in. I picked up the sticky note and made my way up to his office.
Even though the door was open, I still knocked on it.
“Come in,” James said, looking up at me from his desk.
I walked into the room with the sticky note held out to him. He reached for it when I got to his desk, and for one split second, our fingers brushed, and I felt a jolt of desire rush through my body. I haven’t felt anything like that in a very long time.
I cleared my throat, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” he said. He was a little cold, so I thought I’d just leave the room and let him be. Let them both cool down some.
“Just know that if you need to talk, I’m a good listener,” I said, and started walking towards the door.
“Wait,” he said, and I turned around slowly. I wasn’t really sure what he was going to say to me, and I was hoping he wasn’t going to tell me I was over-stepping my boundaries.
“Yes?” I asked as I made my way back over to the desk where he sat.
“Sit down,” he said, which took me off guard. I didn’t expect him to say that to me. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have been so hard on her. I can’t help it.”
“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” I didn’t want him to think I was prying into his life, or trying to overstep in any way. I just wanted him to know that I was a good and willing listener. I know I’m a good listener because my friends had always told me I was easy to talk to.
“I know she
already told you. She’s a talker. But honestly, I don’t really know what happened. I can’t handle it; she’s just growing up way too fast.” His voice was rushed, like he just wanted to get it out before his emotions bubbled over. I knew the feeling all too well.
“I see where you’re coming from,” I said.
“I shouldn’t have gotten mad at her though,” he said.
“It’s okay that you did. You’re only human, you know. You’re allowed to express your emotions,” I said. Then we both kind of sat in silence: an awkward silence. But it was kind of nice actually. Then an idea occurred to me.
“What if you let her go to her friend’s house, and you and I could use the opportunity to go look at some of the other art galleries around town?” I said. I was more nervous than anything, because I’d kind of just asked him out. But I didn’t want him to think of it like that. Because, while I was very attracted to him, and he was very hot, I was actually doing it more for Nell.
He was silent for a moment, and that kind of made me nervous because I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. I didn’t want him to fire me over being too aggressive or something. It felt like hours before he responded, and my anxiety level increased.
“Did Nell ask you to do this?” he asked.
I laughed, “No, she didn’t. I did this on my own. Listen, I haven’t been out in over a year. So, I think it would be good for me, too.”
He smiled at me, and I realized for the first time how nice his smile actually was. It made him look so much hotter. I tried to avoid the dirty thoughts that were creeping into my mind.
“Okay, but only because you haven’t been out in over a year, and I could also use some fun. Besides, I really don’t want Nell to be mad at me,” he said.
The way he looked at me sent a chill down my spine. Not a bad one. It was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. Honestly, I hadn’t even thought I was capable of experiencing that anymore.
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