“Thank you,” I said with a smile, then I got up and walked through the door and down the stairs. I wanted to tell Nell the good news.
“Hey,” I said to Nell. She looked up at me, her eyes bloodshot from crying still. She looked so sad, it broke my heart a little bit, even though I knew she was going to be happy in about ten seconds.
“Hi,” Nell said, in a small voice.
“So, I was talking to your dad,” I smiled so she’d know I was trying to be nice and sincere. I wanted to reassure her that I wasn’t bringing bad news. I got down to her level and whispered in her ear. “You can go to your friend’s house this weekend after all.”
Nell’s eyes went big, and she stared at me in disbelief. Her mouth dropped open, and she let out a sound like a pig squeal. And I laughed.
“Really?” she asked me. Her voice was very excited, and it made me happy. My heart swelled.
I nodded my head, “Yes, really.”
Nell threw her little arms around my neck and squeezed me tightly. I loved the hug she gave me. It was so sweet, it brought tears to my eyes.
“Thank you, Rachel!” she said.
I laughed, again. “You’re welcome, Nell.”
I went back to my desk, after letting Nell know her time-out was over. The rest of the day was great for me because I knew that I’d made two people smile. Nell and I played a game; then I kept an eye on her while she played on her own. She ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had brought her again. It was her favorite lunch. I’d brought her one every day since we had shared mine the very first day I met her.
James had told me that she’d never really liked peanut butter that much before she met me, but now it was all she wanted to eat. I thought it that was really sweet that she wanted to do that.
“You really are the best, Rachel,” Nell said.
“You’re the best, too, Nell.”
Nell’s words warmed my heart, and I felt myself getting closer to this little girl. Even though she really had no connection to me, besides the fact that she was the daughter of my employer, and her nanny happened to be away. I was basically her babysitter, but I couldn’t help caring about her. Maybe it just came with the territory, or maybe it was just who I was. All I knew for sure was that I really enjoyed spending time and bonding with her.
Chapter 13
James
Sitting at my house with Nell, we were waiting for Rachel to get there so we could begin our weekend. Nell was growing more and more anxious because she was ready to get to her friend’s house. It still made me a little sad that she wanted to spend so much time with her friend, and away from me. It made me wonder if it was their family she was drawn to. A family with a dad and a mom. I knew that was being a little overdramatic, but I couldn’t help it.
“You know, Nell, I’m sorry for how I behaved the other day,” I said to her.
I felt so bad for the way I had treated her. The way I’d gotten so mad at her. I didn’t want her to think I was mean, but I also couldn’t let her talk to me that way. She was such a sweet little girl, and I didn’t want to do anything to upset that. I didn’t want her to not be a sweet little girl anymore, so when that happened, even for a moment, it was hard for me to take. Especially, since I was doing all this by myself. Being a single parent was very hard, and I’m sure every problem was magnified because of it.
“I know, Daddy. I’m sorry for how I acted too,” she said, and then wrapped her arms around me. I loved her hugs, and I didn’t know if it was just because I was her dad, or because they really were the best hugs in the world.
“Are you excited to go to Kassondra’s house?” I already knew the answer to this, but I just wanted to make conversation and engage with my daughter. Time was starting to pass us by faster and faster, and I wanted to grasp onto any moment with my daughter that I could. Because I knew before long, she would be gone. At least in a figurative sense. When she was in high school, and she was busy with her friends, this wouldn’t just be on the weekend; it would be an everyday thing. That was when I really would lose my little girl, and that was my biggest fear.
“Yes! I’m so excited,” she yelled and then proceeded to jump off the couch and start jumping up and down on the floor. Usually, this would upset me, but I knew that she was really excited and I didn’t want to upset her good mood. So, I just laughed with her.
I looked at the window just in time to see Rachel’s car pull up into the driveway, and couldn’t help the butterflies I felt in my stomach. It was strange to me, and I hadn’t felt anything like it in years. I figured maybe it was just nerves from hanging out with someone I didn’t really know. Especially a female, since I hadn’t really hung out with any female since my wife: not counting Nell, of course.
I watched Rachel get out of her car and walk up the sidewalk to my front door. She looked amazing, wearing tight jeans and a tight t-shirt, which on her, clung to all the right places. I felt a pang of desire deep inside of me somewhere, and I tried to push it away. When she got to the door, she knocked.
Nell was the first one to the door, and I followed closely behind. Nell opened it and yelled, “Hi!” then launched herself at their guest with a hug. Rachel hugged her back, and I really loved that she did that. She was way more affectionate towards Nell than even Esther was. It wasn’t Esther’s job to be affectionate, but it was nice to see another female interact with her in the way that her mother would have if she were here. I didn’t think that Rachel was trying to play mom or anything. She was just being the nice and kind person that she was.
“Hi, sweetheart,” she said, as they ended the hug.
Rachel then turned her attention to me.
“Hey. How are you?” I asked her.
She smiled at me, a smile that was breathtaking, and I wondered why I hadn’t noticed it before.
“Hi. I’m good. How are you?” Rachel’s voice was soothing. It was the kind of voice that you want to listen to all the time because it made you feel good inside.
“I’m good. Are you ready?” I asked.
I looked down at my wristwatch and I saw that she was actually fifteen minutes early. She was early for work, and she was early for work dates. This girl was impressive.
She nodded her head, “Yeah, I think so,” she said.
“Great. Let’s get going,” I said.
“Yay!” Nell cheered as we made our way out of the house.
I carried Nell’s bag to the car and helped her get into her booster seat.
“Can you sit by me, Rachel?” asked Nell.
Rachel smiled and nodded her head, then got into the back seat and buckled up, sitting right next to Nell, who smiled brighter than I had ever seen before in her life. It was the most amazing feeling. I love how much Nell had taken to Rachel, and how natural it seemed for Rachel to make Nell smile.
“You don’t have to do that you know,” I said to Rachel when I got inside and buckled up.
“I know,” said Rachel, “but I figure, why not?”
I smiled at Rachel in the rearview mirror. Clearly, she didn’t realize how nice that was, how special. That someone like Rachel had come into our lives was amazing to us, both of us. So kind, when she didn’t have to be. She was only my assistant; she didn’t have to do any of this. But it was her idea. It was her suggestion to smooth over the trouble we’d had over this sleepover.
Driving on toward Kassondra’s house, I listened to the sound of Nell and Rachel laughing and playing together in the back seat, and a part of me almost didn’t want it to end.
“Yay!” Nell cheered, as we pulled up in front of the house. I looked up just in time to see Maggie stepping outside with Kassondra.
Rachel and I both got out, and Rachel had brought the overnight bag and handed it to Nell.
Nell hugged Rachel, “Thank you, Rachel.”
“Of course, sweetheart,” Rachel said.
Maggie approached the two and held out her hand. Rachel took it and introduced herself, Maggie saying it was nice
to meet her. I enjoyed seeing the exchange between the two women; it was nice to see. I explained to Maggie that Rachel was my assistant, and was helping with Nell while the nanny was away. I said goodbye to Nell, then Rachel and I got back in the car, and we left.
The car ride was a little awkward at first, I had to admit. But that wasn’t really Rachel’s fault. Neither of us really seemed to know what to talk about. It was my fault because I didn’t know how to act around women. Especially really attractive women.
I pulled up outside the first art gallery, one that happened to be approximately four blocks away from my own. I didn’t really consider them competition, because to me art was art, and everybody had the right to own their own gallery. In fact, I wouldn’t have minded seeing the entire block lined with galleries; I loved art that much.
Getting out, I opened the door up for Rachel, and she thanked me. There was a flash of something in her eyes that triggered something deep inside me, but I pushed the thought away.
We walked into the first gallery. It was smaller than mine, and there was an art show currently going on. It was a small show, but that wasn’t a problem. As Rachel and I walked around, she made comments about some of the pieces, and I made comments about some of the pieces. It was nice. Just to have a relaxed conversation, mutually appreciating the art we both enjoyed.
After that, instead of getting back in my car, we walked a couple of blocks over to the next one. I was excited to go inside of this one because it was the one that had made me realize that I wanted to open a gallery of my own here in town. But I hadn’t been to it since before Nell was born.
“That little Nell is such a sweetheart,” Rachel said.
“I know. I love how you two interact together,” I said. I stopped when I looked at Rachel and could see something in her eyes. A flash of something.
“What are some of your interests?” she asked. I knew she was trying to get to know me. So, I decided not to be rude and shut her out. On the contrary, I decided to let her in. I let her know some things about myself, feeling like maybe it could strengthen our work relationship. She was my assistant after all. She would need to know certain things about me, but I didn’t go too deep. Because I didn’t want to talk about my wife. I didn’t want to bring her up, and this was definitely not the place for it.
“Art,” I said.
Chuckling, she hit me lightly on the arm. “Something else, please. I already managed to pick up on the art thing,” she said, with a laugh.
I laughed. “Um, well. I like football and cars.” I wasn’t really sure what my other interests were, and I had lost them all when Whitney died. “What about you?”
“To be honest, I’m not really sure. I’ve kind of been through a lot, and well, it’s changed me. It has made me realize that life shouldn’t be so focused on the small things,” she said.
And what she said to me, those words, stuck out. I wasn’t really sure where it came from, but I assumed it had something to do with the question I asked her. Maybe I had touched a nerve somehow. But she had started it. There was something so mysterious about this moment. I wanted more than anything to get to know her, to find out more about who she was and what she liked. Most of all, what it was she’d been through. Something about her pulled me in, and it was something I’d never noticed with another woman before.
“What’s your favorite color?” she asked me when we got back in my car.
I looked at her and cocked my head to the side, “I don’t think I have one.”
She punched me on the arm again, “You can’t not have a favorite color; you work in the art industry.” She was laughing, and I was deciding that I loved that sound more and more.
“But I really don’t have one.”
“Oh, come on. Seriously, you have to have one.”
“All right, all right. I guess, if I have to choose just one, I’d choose blue.”
“Seriously? Out of all of the colors in the world, you’d pick blue?” She had this childlike sense of wonder on her face that I found refreshing.
“The thing is, I don’t really have a favorite color. You’re right. I’m in the art industry, and I appreciate all forms of art. I appreciate all colors. That’s why can’t just pick one.”
“You stole my answer,” she said, with a little smile.
I pulled into my driveway, and we both got out. I met her around the back of the car, and we both just stood there for a moment. There were some intense emotions between us that I could definitely feel.
“Thanks for today,” she said.
“You’re welcome. Thank you,” I replied.
She stood there for a moment longer, and then she said, “Well, I’ll see you on Monday.”
“Yeah, see you on Monday,” I said, but I found myself not wanting her to leave. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to come inside so I could keep on talking with her.
She said goodbye one more time and then walked to her car and drove away. Part of me felt like I should have stopped her. I should have stopped her and kissed her.
Chapter 14
Rachel
I was having a really great dream. Maybe a little too good. It was about James kissing me like I thought he might have done the day before. But when he hadn’t, I knew that I shouldn’t expect anything else. He was my boss after all. But the dream felt so real, so intense, and just as I was getting to the best part of it, feeling his lips on mine, there was a knock at my door, and I woke up. I shot up out of bed, not knowing what the sound was at first, and then realizing what it was when it continued. I got out of bed and walked down the hallway to the peephole. It was Sadie. I didn’t know why she was there so early, though. We hadn’t talked about her coming over.
Opening the door, I said, “Good morning, Sadie.” I wasn’t really a morning person, and I didn’t like that she came here unannounced. Especially waking me up, and of all people, she should have known better. She was lucky that I had been in a pretty decent mood lately, otherwise I might have torn her head off.
“Good morning. You know that the parade is coming, right?” Sadie asked.
I had no idea what she was talking about. “Parade?”
“Yes, silly.” She spoke like I was supposed to know what she was talking about, but I still had no idea. So I just played along, too tired to play games.
“Alright, alright. I’ll get ready, and I’ll go with you to the parade,” I said, setting aside my grumpiness. I still felt like I owed her so much because she was the only person that stuck with me after everything that happened. Besides, I really needed a friend right now. I really needed someone to talk to about last night and how it ended with James. He hadn’t kissed me. Honestly, I didn’t know why it was bothering me so much.
I went to my bedroom, picked up the jeans that I wore the night before, sniffed them, and decided that that wasn’t a good idea. I went into my closet to find something else to wear. Since my depression had gotten bad, I’d really only worn a few things. But once I got the job, I realized that I actually had to change my clothes every now and then. But I was starting to realize how much better I felt about myself when I did clean up. Today, I chose a pair of skinny Capri pants with holes in them, which I had bought that way, and a cute t-shirt.
Next, I ducked into my bathroom and quickly fixed my hair and put on some makeup. I wanted to make Sadie happy and wanted to make sure she was proud of me. I didn’t want her to be pestering me on how to present myself to the world. I didn’t need it. Not so early in the morning.
“Alright, I’m ready to go,” I said to Sadie when I finally came out of my back bedroom.
“Took you long enough,” Sadie said, with a laugh.
I just shook my head at her. I was used to her jokes. In fact, I used to joke back with her all the time. I felt like I was just now starting to get back to that place though, and that made me excited. I was ready to feel like my normal self and get on with my life. I didn’t want to keep living my life the same dreary way I had been. That had
n’t gotten me anywhere, and I wasn’t doing anything with my life.
Sadie and I walked outside and down the stairs. When we got to the street, the parade hadn’t started yet. So, we just stood there and talked as more people lined up around us.
“So, how was your date?” Sadie asked me.
I knew what she was getting at. “It wasn’t a date, as you know very well. But, it was good; it just ended kind of weird.”
“What do you mean?” Sadie asked me.
“Well, it ended kind of awkwardly. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t do it,” I said with a shrug. I made it seem like it didn’t bother me, but it actually did—quite a bit.
“Maybe he just didn’t want to because you work together.” Sadie had a point. But it had felt like he wanted to, he just didn’t do it. I didn’t think she was understanding that.
Sadie and I moved a little bit so a family of four could walk past us. A mom, dad, and two little boys. I tried not to think about it.
“I know it bothered you,” Sadie said. There it was: she was always so good at reading me. I’d been waiting to see if she would say something like that, actually.
“I’m trying not to let it bother me.” I wanted to seem cool, like it was no big deal. I didn’t want Sadie to think that I was letting another man control my feelings again. But that’s kind of what was happening. I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t felt this way about anyone in so long.
“You know what? You should go get a new dress. So, next time you guys do hang out, you’ll blow him away, and he’ll definitely kiss you,” she said, matter-of-factly.
I laughed. “Are you sure about that?” It was a rhetorical question because I knew that Sadie really did know about those kinds of things. She was always the person that I went to when I’d been dating before. She was the one that always gave me the best advice.
“Of course. It’s me.” This was also something Sadie would say, and it made me laugh.
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