Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  “It was only a dream.” I swallowed, trying to rid myself of the giant lump that had formed in my throat.

  “No,” I finally spoke, and my throat ached with the words. My eyes burned, and I knew I was only moments from losing it. “It was a nightmare.”

  Without a second more, I moved my body out from beneath Faith’s, and instantly, regret and guilt washed over me. Just like I knew it would.

  I searched through the darkness for my jeans and boxers, and all the while, Faith remained where she was, quiet.

  “I’m sorry,” I confessed, and I heard her gasp. “I need to go, I—” Honestly, I had no idea what to say to her. This had been a mistake, and I’d used her to find the peace I thought I needed. It was wrong. “I can’t do this, Faith.” I took in a deep breath.

  After I had my pants on, I turned around and faced her, finding her staring down at her hands that were fisted in her lap.

  “Faith—” The look on her face stopped me.

  “Just go.” I could hear the sadness in her voice, and it reminded me of the day in the shop and all the times that followed. Only this time, things were different. We’d gone too far. I was inside of her, and metaphorically, she was inside of me too, in a sense. “It’s okay.” She finally lifted her head, and our eyes locked on one another. “I understand.” Her lower lip trembled, and damn it, I hated the ache that gave me.

  She deserved so much more.

  “I’ll be fine.” Faith forced a smile, and I couldn’t stop myself from moving in and kneeling before her. “I’m okay.”

  She was nowhere near okay.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said as I reached out to push the fallen hair away from her face. Tucking it behind her ear, I placed my thumb beneath her chin and forced her to lift it. “You are amazing, and one day, you’re gonna make a man very happy.”

  “Just not you.”

  Her lower lip trembled, and I traced my thumb over it, fighting the urge to kiss her. I had already done enough damage. “For all it’s worth, you are the only woman who has ever made my heart race.” It wasn’t a lie. “I wish more than anything I could be different for you.”

  I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead before standing and gathering my keys and wallet from the floor. I paused in the doorway, wanting to say more but knowing I had nothing to give. I gripped the frame tight, feeling the burn in my forearm from the pressure. A deep intake, slowly releasing the breath, I took a step forward and entered the hallway.

  “Goodbye, Aaron,” Faith said, and I hung my head and kept walking, each step growing harder and harder to take.

  What have I done?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Faith

  “Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll all take a moment to welcome Mr. and Mrs. Jonah Sayers.” I turned toward the sound of the DJ and watched the front entrance of the reception hall, waiting for the bride and groom to enter. My camera was in position.

  The moment I saw the flowing dress of Missy, I held my breath and pressed the button, capturing every single moment from the entrance until they stepped out onto the dance floor.

  They were breathtaking. The way Jonah watched her with such love in his eyes. The smile she wore while he moved her around the dance floor, showing off his bride. It was all so perfect.

  I’d spent the entire ceremony with a knot the size of Wyoming in my chest, blinking away the tears their devotion toward one another inflicted in me.

  They were mesmerizing, and I’d admit, I was so very jealous of their love.

  The soft music that played as Jonah held Missy tightly in his arms, swaying from side to side, mixed with the whispers of all those that watched was beautiful.

  Every woman in the room was in awe of the obvious dedication this man had for his now wife.

  I continued to do my best to gather up as many photos as I could, knowing I could narrow them down later. But I didn’t want to miss a single second.

  I wanted the two of them to have so many photos to look back on and to share later with their kids and even their grandchildren. A love like Jonah and Missy’s didn’t come along often. It was the kind of love everyone dreamed of.

  When she closed her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder, I felt like a part of me chipped away. Then Jonah kissed her forehead and allowed his lips to linger there. That one single move was my undoing as a tear escaped and ran along my cheek in a slow torturous pace before dripping from my jaw onto my arm.

  I want that.

  “You are so beautiful.”

  I closed my eyes and pictured Aaron before me, holding me the same way Jonah held Missy in his arms.

  “Dance with me,” he whispered before taking my hands in his and pulling me in toward his chest. Gone was the hesitance I had seen in his eyes so many times, and in its place was the same look I’d been seeing all day. “You belong in my arms.”

  A deep breath escaped me as he wrapped his arms around me and held me to his chest. A soft hum fell from his lips that matched the music playing around us when he began to sway.

  “And now for the father-daughter dance.” I jerked in response to the sound of the DJ’s voice and gathered my camera closer, moving into position to gain the perfect photo opportunity.

  Jonah passed Missy to her father. They shared a handshake that only made me feel even rawer than I already did, and I swore my heart skipped a beat.

  I was a mess.

  I had managed to let myself feel something for a man that was unobtainable. I knew I should walk away. I understood that giving myself to him would only continue to break me little by little, but I also understood that leaving things the way they were wasn’t an option. I needed a small fraction of closure, something that would somehow make seeing him tolerable.

  There has to be a way to let go of this need inside of me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Aaron

  “I made you an apple pie.” Granny Rae held out the freshly baked pie, standing on the front porch of my place.

  “You gonna come inside?”

  “No, I’m not.” I arched my brow and waited for her to explain. “I can’t, Aaron.”

  “And why’s that?”

  I watched her throat bob as she swallowed hard. Her gaze fell to the pie she still held. “I love you. I have since the moment I saw you sitting alone in your front yard playing with those dirty old trucks. You were so small, and I remember thinking of how alone you looked. I fell in love with you, and I didn’t even know your name.”

  She took in a deep breath and looked back up at me.

  “You were mine, Aaron. It never mattered that we didn’t share blood. I watched you grow into a man. Then when Lynn got pregnant, I was so proud of you for taking responsibility. The two of you were never in love. I knew that, but you both loved Ivy something fierce.”

  It was my turn to look away. Every single time I heard her name, it broke me all over again.

  “I watched you change right before my eyes. You became a nurturer, and the way you guarded her was breathtaking. Then, after you lost her, I think the man I knew died too. I understand your pain. I see it in your eyes every single time I look at you. But I can’t watch it any longer. I can’t witness you giving up and hiding away. I know you try night after night to drink away the pain you feel, but damn it, Aaron, in the morning, that pain is still there. You can’t wish it away. You can’t float through your days as if one day, all the sadness inside of you is just going to fade away.”

  She pushed the pie toward me, and I had no choice but to take it.

  “You need to face your demons and stop running from them. You are not a coward. You never have been. You’ve never truly grieved the loss. You’ve only continued to live with the guilt. So I’ve decided I need to step back and stop hounding you to heal. You have to do that on your own when you’re ready. But I refuse to watch you suffer any longer. In turn, that means I have to walk away and wait for you to wake up and see that you are not broken. You are not unreachable.”


  She reached out and cupped my face in her hands, and I knew it was pointless to attempt to speak.

  “There is nothing I want more than to see you smile again and to hear you laugh. Please, Aaron, please let yourself heal. It’s breaking my heart every day to watch another little part of you die. You’re here, and though Ivy may not be present, that little girl is still alive inside of you. Remember her, love her, and let those around you who never got the chance to meet her know her too. Her memory lives on in you. You’ve got to find a way to move on and celebrate the time you were given with that sweet little angel. You were always her hero. Be that guy.”

  I stood in the doorway watching as she walked down the old, weathered stairs and across the graveled drive.

  The sun had begun to set, and the coolness of the night was setting in.

  She climbed into the passenger seat of Walt’s old truck, and together, they backed out of the drive and onto the road that connected to the highway.

  I stood there, still staring after them when all I could see were the taillights way off in the distance. Even after I could no longer see them, I stood there, still holding on to the apple pie she’d left.

  My chest heaved with each deep breath I took as I tried to hold on to my emotions.

  Granny Rae’s words played on repeat in my mind. Words I didn’t want to hear. Facts I didn’t want to believe. It was so much easier to ignore my reality. It hurt less when I pretended none of it was true. The alcohol may not have made it disappear permanently, but it gave me the opportunity to breathe until I awoke to relive the pain all over again.

  I knew Gran was right; she rarely was wrong. She’d watched over me through so many phases of my life, and now, here she was, still trying to right me when I veered off.

  Finally stepping inside my house, I placed the pie on the table and stared at the bottle of Jack sitting next to it.

  I didn’t know how long I stared at it, hoping I had the strength to walk away but knowing I was entirely too raw to carry out that task.

  One more night.

  I needed just one more night to get over this hump. Tomorrow, I’d feel it all. Tomorrow, I would force myself to see all the things I wanted to erase.

  Grabbing the bottle, I turned away from the pie that reminded me of the woman who had just walked away, and I tipped the bottle back. Welcoming the burn it caused, I closed my eyes tightly and washed away the ache I felt inside.

  With each drink I took, I felt the weight on my chest slowly weaken. Moving across the room, I sat on the side of the bed and opened the side table drawer. Instantly, I saw her face—the adorable smile that shook me to my core every single time I was gifted the chance to see it.

  I lifted the framed photo from the drawer and brought it closer, and for the first time in a long time, I looked over every little feature of her face.

  “Missing you has been the hardest thing I have ever faced.”

  I didn’t even try to wipe away the tears that began to fall.

  My world shattered when I lost my little girl, and I wasn’t sure how to get over the darkness of her absence. The fairness in her untimely death didn’t exist. She was such a light, such a gift, and she was taken from me far too soon.

  I placed the photo back in the drawer and closed it before lifting the bottle back to my lips. Granny Rae had been wrong. I was a coward because facing this was something I knew I couldn’t do. There was no logic, no reason, no purpose for her death.

  The sun had fully set by that point. The darkened room engulfed me, mirroring what I felt inside my soul, and I didn’t take the time to turn on a light. I just wanted to forget. I wanted a distraction and an escape. I needed something to take away the pain I felt.

  Again, I lifted the bottle, the contents burning as they rolled over my tongue and down my throat before expanding throughout my chest.

  A light knock sounded at my door, and I considered ignoring it, but then, I thought of Gran coming back to tell me she couldn’t walk away. I needed her to keep me above water. She may have thought I didn’t, but without her, I truly had nothing.

  Again, a knock echoed through my small home, and I stood, wavering a little on my feet from the alcohol I had consumed. The once-full bottle was now over half-empty.

  Once stable, I placed the bottle on the nightstand and moved across the small space. Just as I reached the door, the knock repeated, and I gripped the handle, pulling the door open in one swift movement. The second I saw her, I felt the familiar pull. That deep longing to have more, but the resistance telling me I should tell her to go. Only I couldn’t.

  Faith stepped inside, and her eyes remained locked on my own. Placing one hand on my bare chest, she rose up on her tip toes and pressed her lips softly to mine.

  She tasted of something sweet, overtaking the taste of whiskey on my breath. When she gripped the back of my neck and pulled me down closer, something inside me snapped. She was my escape. She was my distraction.

  I gathered her in my arms, lifting her off the floor. I used my foot to kick the door shut before I pressed her up against it. Her legs wrapped around me tightly, and the dress she wore rode up, allowing me to feel her heat against me. Our mouths moved together, tasting one another as if we’d been doing it our entire lives.

  The instant she shifted her hips against me, I bit down lightly on her lower lip, making her groan.

  So many thoughts rolled around in my mind. So many things I wanted to say to her. Instead, I gripped her ass and shifted her against me as I pushed forward. My hardness hit her exactly where she needed, and the thin material of her panties and my shorts did very little to separate us. Both so thin and irrelevant.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Faith

  I’d spent the day watching a couple share something I longed for. I was exhausted and maybe emotionally spent as I drove back into Gillette from Wright. The two towns were less than an hour apart, but that drive gave me time to reflect.

  I went from sadness to anger to understanding and finally to a need so strong, it was uncontrollable.

  It was enough to make me turn my car left instead of right, where I found myself pulling into the driveway of Aaron’s house and walking up his stairs to knock on his door without even a second thought.

  I didn’t think twice about it until he opened his door and I saw his bloodshot eyes. The redness around them made my heart ache, and when I stepped forward with the intention of consoling him, he took control. I didn’t question it because I sensed that he needed me as much as I needed him.

  Maybe we both needed a sense of closure to something that, truthfully, had never even really had a chance in the first place, so I gave in fully. I allowed him to lead, and I took all he gave.

  The way he kissed me was so passionate, like a desperate need to have more, making each one better than the last. It was hot and maybe a little rough, but it didn’t frighten me. It ignited me, reminding me of why walking away was so hard. This man thought he was broken, but he made love like a starving man, and each touch was perfection. He was skillful and precise.

  The burn of his stubble against my skin drove me wild. I knew I’d most likely bear the evidence of the friction later, but at the moment, I welcomed it. I craved it.

  He held me as if I weighed absolutely nothing, using one hand to work his shorts and boxers lower. The desperation left no time to prolong the inevitable. His mouth remained on mine, kissing me with such conviction, I felt hazy from the effects.

  Once he was exposed, he slipped a finger beneath the edge of my panties and skimmed over me gently. Finding that I was ready and wet, he moaned into our kiss, pushing the tip inside of me.

  Suddenly, his finger was gone, and I felt his erection pressing against me. One shift, a gentle slow glide of his cock through my wetness before he pulled back. Then, in one swift move—a thrust forward—he entered me hard, and I gasped at the invasion, breaking our kiss. Gripping his shoulders tightly, digging my nails into his flesh, he started to move.


  Aaron was aggressive, rough even, but I loved it. In my warped mind, I allowed myself to believe he wanted me so badly, he couldn’t control himself. Truth was I tasted the whiskey on his breath, and I knew deep down, at that point, I could have been anyone. He was using me, and in a way, I was using him too.

  He continued to slam into me, my body jarring with each thrust. My thighs bounced against his as he drove harder and faster.

  The sound of something crashing to the floor did absolutely nothing to slow him.

  A deep, guttural growl ripped from him, and his fingers dug into my ass as he held me close. He tilted my pelvis, giving him the perfect angle. I let my head fall back and gave in to the pleasure. At that angle, he was hitting the right spot. Warm sensations filled my body. I was on fire from his touch.

  I could feel myself building toward my release, growing wetter and wetter every single time he pushed inside of me.

  “Damn.” His voice was low and husky, his face turned into the crease of my neck. His teeth sank into my shoulder, not enough to hurt but enough to drive me crazy.

  I tightened around him, my hips jerking on their own accord, and the most delicious orgasm soared through me. I could have sworn I heard him whisper so good baby, but I wasn’t positive that it wasn’t all in my head.

  My back came off the door, and Aaron backed up toward the bed behind him. Sitting down, he took me with him, laying back as he still held on to my hips. For a split second, our eyes locked on one another, and something passed between us, that connection I had felt before that he refused to accept.

  “Ride me,” he commanded, looking down at where we were joined and breaking eye contact. That deep ache in my chest grew, and I did as he asked.

  His eyes closed tight, his hand still on my hips, applying the right amount of pressure, guiding my movements.

  It didn’t take long for him to grow tense beneath me and hold my waist tighter to keep my body from moving. I felt the first hot spurt, followed by another, and his eyes remained closed the entire time.