Just Breathe Again

by C. A. Harms

  “Ivy held us together, and I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. If Ivy were still with us, we would have eventually divorced. We tried to play house for her, appear that we were this little, happy family, and yes, we were because of her.”

  I took in a slow, calming breath, feeling that familiar tightening in my stomach that normally led to me tossing up whatever it was I had eaten earlier.

  “He blames himself.” My heart felt as though it stopped beating. “He holds so much guilt over Ivy’s death that every single day since, he’s been in search of a reason to live. Until now, he never found that reason, but I honestly believe he was meant to meet you.”

  Tears filled my eyes.

  “I also feel like this baby is a sign from Ivy that her daddy needs to learn to love again. He is a good man, Faith, and I guess this is me asking you to give him that chance to be who I know he can. To be the father he was always meant to be.”

  “With all due respect, I have given him that chance. I have given him more chances that I can count, and here we are, still in the same place we’ve always been.” I sighed, feeling awkward having this conversation with Aaron’s ex-wife. “I can’t keep opening my heart up to a man who is not willing to accept it. It hurts too much.”

  She nodded her head as if she knew exactly what I was feeling.

  “Whether he has said it or not, you should know that he cares for you. He’s just torn between that and feeling as though moving on means he’s leaving the memories of our little girl behind. He is having a really hard time with the feelings of replacing her with another child. Aaron has always wanted children, enough to fill a house, but he gave up that dream because Ivy was taken from us far too soon.”

  The loss of a child would be crippling, and subconsciously, I placed my hand against my stomach, closing my eyes briefly. I whispered a silent prayer of safety for my little bean.

  “Help him heal, Faith.” I was brought back to the present by her desperate plea. Our eyes connected and we held one another’s gaze. Her eyes filled with tears. I then felt my own begin to burn. “Even when he pushes, when he tries to give you every reason not to, just hold on to him. He needs you to heal. He won’t admit that, but I’ve known him long enough to promise you that he won’t get back to the man I know he can be unless you help him. Force him to see the life you two can have together. I want him to find peace like I have.”

  I wish it were that simple, making him see. But I was afraid I wasn’t strong enough.

  “You are his peace, you and your baby.”

  With that, she stood and offered me a kind smile before turning to leave.

  I sat in my office, staring at the empty doorway, and I allowed her words to play on repeat in my mind.

  Even when he pushes, when he tries to give you every reason not to, just hold on to him. He needs you to heal.

  ***

  I remembered the last time I’d come here. The time when I had pretended he and I were more, then walking away in the night, feeling nothing but disappointment once again.

  I’d debated for hours, wondering if coming here to Aaron’s was a good idea, before I got in my car and turned off my mind in order to get here. I thought of the words his ex-wife had told me, her insistence that I was what he needed.

  Part of me wished her words to be true, and another part of me knew that, most likely, I would walk away being hurt once again.

  The sun had already set, and the glow from the light just inside the back door shone in the night. The remaining part of the small house was dark and eerie, making me wonder if Aaron had already gone to bed.

  As I climbed the stairs toward his back door, my hands shook. I still had no idea what I planned on saying to him. To be honest, I was terrified he would be angry I was here. I’d had so many mixed signals from Aaron. Just when I thought maybe there was something there, it backfired, and I was left feeling like a fool. How many times was I going to be humiliated before I decided I was better than this?

  Lifting my hand, I tried to knock, causing the door to ease open from not being latched completely. My heart rate spiked, yet there were still no movements from inside. No television playing, no hammering from a man working hard, as I had known Aaron to always be. Nothing. I was only met with silence.

  Stepping into the house slowly, I looked around in search of him. The wood floor beneath my feet creaked, making my pulse quicken even more.

  “You can’t see me like this.” My body jerked in surprise from the sound of his hoarse whisper as it echoed through the small space.

  Hidden in a darkened corner, I saw the shadow of his profile and stepped into the space, further remembering what his ex had said about forcing him to accept that I was there.

  “Go, Faith.” And so the refusal of help began. “Please, just let me be.”

  I paused, taking a few minutes to breathe through the nervous energy that was taking over, then I started toward him once more.

  The light glow from one single lamp made it difficult to see him clearly, but the closer I got, the more his slouched posture came into view. He was shirtless, only wearing a pair of shorts, as he held a bottle of whiskey in his hands. It looked full, so I wasn’t sure he had actually drank any of it yet.

  “I can’t leave.” My throat ached as I forced the words out.

  When he lifted his head and his gaze settled on mine, my heart broke for him instantly. Defeat. It was all I could see. A loss so deep and heavy, I wasn’t sure anything would reach him. I realized at that moment that Aaron had suffered such an incredible, life-altering experience that it had left him feeling hopeless and destroyed. He actually believed he was destined to live his life in sadness, alone with his demons, growing in the pain of his daughter’s death.

  “I don’t care if you want me here.” I did care. I cared far too much. I also knew that if he pushed me too far, I wouldn’t be able to take it. I had felt his rejection one too many times, and I wasn’t built for it, especially now that my emotions were at war. I also understood that, if there was any point in time to fight, it was now. I had to leave my own feelings at the door. This wasn’t about me. “I’m staying with you, even if you demand I leave.” Even if it broke my heart in the process, I wouldn’t walk away. I couldn’t. I wanted nothing more than to grab hold of him and keep him close, but I kept my distance.

  “I don’t want you to see me like this.” His voice was filled with such pain.

  I wanted to promise him that, through the pain, he deserved to smile and to laugh again. I may not have known the daughter he’d loved so deeply, but I had to believe that, though she was gone, the last thing she would want was for him to continue to blame himself. That’s what this felt like—blame. He felt that he didn’t deserve to go on now that Ivy was gone. Like he’d failed her somehow.

  “Please go,” he whispered hoarsely, and I could see the struggle in his eyes. The shimmering presence of unshed tears was my undoing as I lowered myself to my knees before him. Reaching out, I cupped his face with my hands, and immediately, he closed his eyes tightly, trying to shut me out.

  “You can push me. You can say all the things you think will make me walk away, but I am only going to say this once, and I need you to hear me.” Slowly, he opened his eyes, and his stare met mine. Moisture dripped from his eyes and rolled along his cheeks, getting trapped by my hands as they remained on his face. “I am not going anywhere. I’m here for you, Aaron. Not for any other reason than the fact that you need someone to remind you that you are a good man. You can fight me. You can argue and insist that you are dark and broken, but I am going to push back just as hard to remind you that you are so very wrong.”

  His chest heaved, and he tried to shake his head, but I held him tighter.

  “You may not feel like you deserve to be loved. Like you’re destined to spend your life alone in this miserable state, but let me assure you of one thing, Aaron. Whether I was supposed to fall for you or not, I did. I fell in love with the broody man you are, but
I also fell in love with the side of you I don’t think you ever meant for me to see. I fell in love with the guy who would drop everything and rush to the aid of a stranger when he saw her struggling to lift her groceries from her cart into her car. Or the guy who, even though you fought it, stared with a longing in his eyes at a couple laughing and sharing a moment so pure and full of love.”

  “Stop.” He lifted his hands and pulled at mine, trying to remove them from his face.

  “No.” The sourness in my voice even surprised me. “I won’t stop. You can push me away. You can keep telling me over and over that love just isn’t in the cards for you, but you should know that I don’t buy it. I’m not convinced because you are a terrible liar.”

  “It’s not fair.” His shoulders shook. “I’m here, and she’s not. I get to live, and she doesn’t, and now…” He dropped his hands and brought one to rest at my waist. It was my turn to get choked up. “Now she has a little brother or a little sister who will never get the chance to know how amazing she was.”

  “They will because we’ll make sure of it.” His gaze locked onto mine. “You can tell them stories. We will fill their rooms with images of Ivy, and they will know everything there is to know about her. She’ll be the angel watching over them.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Aaron

  Faith and I sat in the darkness, her on the ground before me, looking up at me with such devotion. She didn’t owe me a damned thing. I had hurt her over and over, and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had chosen to never talk to me or look at me again. But here she was. She came to me and refused to walk away.

  “I’m afraid of hurting you more than I already have.” I was afraid of a lot more than just that, but I couldn’t hide from her any longer. She’d seen me at my weakest, and she was still here.

  “I’m not asking you for anything, Aaron.” Faith looked away, her eyes focused on her lap, and she toyed with her hands. “I’m fully prepared to do this on my own.”

  “There is no way in hell I’m walking away from my child.” It may have been a shock. Hell, I was still in shock, but the child she was carrying was a part of me. Lynn was right too. It was a part of Ivy.

  “Then we’ll set up a schedule.” I stared at her, allowing her to continue, but already knowing the plan she was conjuring up wouldn’t be enough. “The feeding will make things difficult at first, but we can prepare ahead, and maybe in the evenings, you can take the baby—”

  I began to shake my head, and she slowly let her words fade off.

  “We have a lot of time to discuss the specifics.” Faith lifted her gaze, and when she found me watching her, she looked away quickly. “May 20th is months away.”

  “I want to be part of the things that lead up to that day.” She locked eyes with mine, and a look of surprise covered her features. “It was never about not wanting to be in your life or our child’s life.” I knew that was what she thought. Granted, I didn’t really explain myself or my actions. “I made a choice after Ivy that I would never try to replace her. Having another child, somehow, I felt as though it would make me forget all about her. Erase her memory.” Faith stared at me. “All the memories I hold are of Ivy smiling, her little giggle, that loud crazy squeal. Hearing those things from any other child was hard, but hearing them from a child who shared the blood of Ivy and my own is going to be…” How could I tell the woman carrying my baby that I was terrified of being incapable of loving another child the way I’d loved the one I lost? My heart ached for so many reasons, but that one was threatening to break me.

  “Will you tell me about her?”

  “I don’t think I can.” I was still so raw from hours and hours of guilt, regret, and fear.

  “Please. I wanna know.” Faith’s heart was so pure, and I knew she didn’t mean to tear open unhealed wounds, but I wasn’t ready for this. Not yet. “I want to be able to understand.”

  “You’ll never understand.” Looking away, I instantly regretted my words. I didn’t mean to be harsh or dismissive of her needs and wants, but something like this, I knew, would take time.

  “I may not know what it feels like to lose someone the way you have,” she whispered, unable to make eye contact. “It’s just really hard to accept that you feel as though you don’t deserve any form of happiness.”

  A silence settled between us. Me looking at her, her still staring at her lap to avoid my hard stare.

  “I just want you to be able to see what I see.” I swallowed hard, hearing the longing in her voice and hating that I had put it there. My hands itched to hold her, to comfort her, but in my heart, I knew I had to tread lightly. I had to ensure that the next time I touched her in any way, I felt no hesitation in my heart. “I want you to be able to smile without feeling this guilt. Moving on doesn’t mean you’re letting go, Aaron. I want you to remember her, always. And in the process, I want you to let me get to know her too, through your memories.”

  “Why?”

  I saw the way her shoulders lifted with a deep intake of breath before slowly settling once more. With caution, she lifted her chin, and our gazes settled on one another once more. The glossiness in her eyes was my undoing, and I felt that raw ache return in my throat once again.

  “Because loving you means loving her, and if you’ll let me in, I promise you that I’ll always welcome everything about her into my life too. I don’t want you to ever let Ivy go, but I do want you to find a way to live again.”

  “I don’t know if I can, Faith.” The confession didn’t seem to faze her. “I don’t know if I have that kind of strength.”

  “You do.” She paused and cupped my cheeks once more. Without even thinking about it, I leaned into her touch. “I can see it in you. What you’ve gone through and still continue to go through every day proves your strength.”

  If only she’d known the truth. I was a weak man.

  “This child is going to need its father.” I closed my eyes, and a sob fell from my lips without me being able to stop it. “I know before I said I could do this on my own, and I will if I have to, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to do this without you.”

  I reached out and grabbed hold of her waist, lifting her from the floor. Bringing her to rest on my lap, I held her for a few silent minutes before I spoke. “No matter what happens, I will be there for you both. I just need you to understand that there will be times that are harder than others.”

  Loving Faith was never the issue. It was what I felt I was worthy of that had always been the battle.

  “What do you say we just take all of this one day at a time?”

  This woman was a saint. She had taken more shit from me than any woman should ever have to take from a man. At that moment, while she was staring back at me with such a hopeful look in her eyes, I made a vow. I silently promised to do all I had to do to become the man she deserved. I would fight my demons, I would battle the darkness, and I would cherish every single moment I was blessed with from this day forward. And most of all, I would welcome the memories of my daughter into my life with open arms. I would relive my times with her and make sure she was a part of her little brother or little sister’s life. They would know Ivy, and they would know just how amazing she would have been as an older sister.

  “I’d say that sounds like a good plan.”

  ***

  Gran looked surprised when she opened her front door to find me standing on her porch. A dish towel over her lift shoulder, a small smudge of flour on her cheek, and the smell of something fresh baking in the house behind her filled the air around me.

  She took one look at me and reached out to wrap her arms around my neck and hold me close.

  “It’s a gift,” she whispered. “Your little angel above knew her daddy needed something to live for, so she sent you a piece of herself.” I took in a deep breath.

  Circling Gran with my arms, I offered her a hug in return and did my best to hold myself together.

  “I’ve waited for the day when yo
u’d see she was still here with us, and I think this is her way of telling you just that.” Another deep, calming breath. “This child is a blessing, Aaron.” She paused as she leaned back and made sure I was looking her in the eyes. “And so is Faith.”

  It was then that I broke as I closed my eyes and my chest shook with my attempt to hold back my emotions.

  Gran was right. Faith was a gift. She was a beautiful woman and not just on the outside. And I’d almost ruined her with my inability to love.

  “I want you to come inside and take a look at what I’ve found.”

  I allowed her to lead me inside, her hand holding mine firmly as we walked through her living room and into the kitchen. Freshly baked pies sat on her countertop cooling, and I couldn’t help but smile, knowing she was making her weekly gifts to hand out to those less fortunate. One thing about Granny Rae was that she always looked out for everyone around her. Her heart was so full of love, it constantly overflowed to those around her.

  She released my hand, and I followed her movements to finally notice the small box sitting in the center of her kitchen table.

  “I’ve had these safely tucked away in my closet, waiting for the time when I felt you were ready for them.” With that, she reached inside and pulled out a box of what looked like flash drives. “Every little video I ever took of Ivy from my phone, I transferred to these.” She held up the first one, and her eyes shone with unshed tears. “From the first moment I was able to hold her, until the last time, she laughed and played while I was near. Every video, whether five seconds or five minutes, are all on these.” There had to have been at least ten in the container she held. “I also have some of her little sleepers she wore when she was with me, as well as her favorite blanket.”

  I was overwhelmed, but not to the point where I wanted to run. In fact, it was just the opposite. I wanted nothing more than to drown myself in the snippets of my daughter. “Then there is this.” The flash of purple took my breath away. I focused on the tiny purple elephant Gran held in her hand. The soft plush material, the patches throughout, giving it a worn-out appearance, only it was made to look as such. Each patch was a different color, designed to help distinguish them as a learning tool. That elephant had been Ivy’s favorite. She had taken it everywhere with her.