The Afterlife of Alice Watkins 2

by Matilda Scotney

  “I didn’t even know other doctors existed who weren’t your local doctor, the ones you see for colds and flu and such like.” She wanted him to see how difficult it would be for her to accept she was entitled to be called ‘doctor’.

  “Alexis Langley is a scientist. Scientists are usually titled doctor, Alice.”

  “This isn’t about Alexis Langley, you asked me about Alice Watkins.”

  He nodded, she was right, he had asked about Alice.

  “I had very little education, Noah. I was useless at school and at one time, it was even considered I had learning difficulties. I admit it doesn’t seem to be a problem now. But a scientist? Not possible.”

  “So, who is Alice Watkins?”

  “No-one at all. A person to overlook, insignificant, nothing to contribute,” she looked him in the eye. “I’m the girl who was told she would sink, so I never swam.”

  “I can’t believe that.”

  “Believe it. I lived with my mother, I never knew my father, he died before I was born. My mother was domineering, loud and discouraging. She called herself Christian, but I feared her more than I feared any god,” she said, with a slow shake of her head. “Then, at 16, I met Ted Watkins, who worked for my mother around the house and garden.”

  The early sunlight glanced off her hair, long and loose, lifting from her shoulders in the early morning mountain breeze, and he took a moment to be dazzled by her, so lovely, expressive. It made her next comment even more incredible, spoken as if it were irrefutable fact.

  “I was not a pretty girl, Noah,” she said, looking up. “I was so plain, it was impossible to do anything to improve my looks. All my life my mother said no-one marries ugly girls and she would never get me off her hands. So, when Ted paid me attention, unbelievably, my mother quickly agreed to our marriage,” Alice laughed without humour. “I used to think she paid him. I really didn’t like him—Ted Watkins, but I was too afraid of my mother to refuse.”

  Noah listened with increasing sadness. Why would anyone accept such unhappy memories so willingly?

  “I was seventeen when we married. I worked in a bakery, but Ted said I had to stay at home and look after the house—his father’s house, we lived there. I looked after them both, and when his father became ill, I nursed him. A teenager with no practical experience of life having to care for a husband and a mean old man. Michelle was born just after I turned 23.”

  Noah remembered her odd comments, alluding to children. She believed she was a mother.

  “I loved the baby. Ted’s father died the same year she was born, leaving us alone in the house. I kept the baby with me all the time; I wouldn’t let my mother near her, it was the only control I had over my life, she and Ted governed where I went, with whom and even what I watched on TV or listened to on the radio. They weren’t interested in the baby anyway, so she was mine alone.”

  “How long did this continue?” Noah couldn’t imagine such a life or wish it on anyone.

  “It was eternal, or so I thought. My lot. How could I escape? I stayed home, accomplished nothing, didn’t socialise, got older, did as I was told, and even when my mother died, I wasn’t free because I still had Ted. All decisions were made for me. I had no voice at all. Then another baby, Steven, came along in my early thirties. Ted was horrified, and after that, he moved into the spare bedroom. I’ve never been so thankful.” Alice’s expression changed, her lovely mouth twisted and she shook her head. “I despised him. I think I only realised that when I came to this world.”

  She smiled without humour and squinted up at the sky; the sun was brighter, it’s light creeping into all the hidden places.

  “At the time, I believed he was all I was worthy of.”

  It occurred to Alice then, she’d told Noah about separate bedrooms, she didn’t feel embarrassed; there seemed to be a place for it in this story.

  “Wasn’t she able to leave?”

  “And go where?” she gave a harsh laugh. “With two children? I had an uncle, David, but he was sick. So, I was stuck. After Ted died, I was so habitualised at being a victim, at not speaking up for myself, I was every bit as chained as when he was alive.”

  “And he died when?”

  “Seven years ago, now,” she answered vaguely, not noticing the outstandingly inaccurate reference to time. “But Michelle took up where he left off. The difference is, Noah,” she took a deep breath, “she truly loves me and tries to do the right thing. She’s a good girl. She saw how unhappy I was throughout my marriage, but she was a child, with no power to change things. Unfortunately, she inherited my mother’s and Ted’s controlling natures.”

  “Does she have a family?”

  “Yes, she does. Her oldest child, Eliza, is a beautiful girl, tall, sweet, and she adores me. We’re very close. In fact, we share the closeness I hoped for with Michelle. My son, Steven, has never married. He’s 30 now. Michelle was having another baby when all this happened, her 6th would you believe?”

  It was all hard to believe.

  “Are there any other memories, less tragic?”

  Her answer saddened him. True or not, she believed all this.

  “No, they are the memories. But I will say that just before, well, before I woke up on Saturn Station, I’d started to feel comfortable with the world. I sold the house and moved to a little unit. Michelle’s other children were growing up, I saw a lot of Eliza, and Steven was working abroad, very successfully. Life had taken a turn for the better.”

  She smiled brightly, as if trying to be brave in the face of such overwhelming wretchedness.

  “It was the best I could hope for. All the rest had passed me by,” she gave a little gesture of resignation.

  For a moment, he thought she would cry. Tears glistened in her eyes. If she did, what would he do? But she lifted her chin and took a deep breath, he wondered if the person she believed herself to be was beyond tears.

  “I wasted my time not learning. I had no imagination, so I don’t understand how I imagined this life for myself; a dream life, with people and things and places I don’t understand, people with abilities I’ve never even read about, machines beyond anything I could comprehend. How can it be?”

  Noah didn’t know. He could only offer suggestions.

  “Isn’t it possible, Alice, these people, Ted, Eliza and the others, are the dream? It’s only been a few months, a short time to recover memories that have been asleep for centuries.”

  “I’ve considered that Noah, but Alice Watkins—I know her story so well, I don’t see how I can be anyone else. But things are no longer as clear-cut—this Alice Watkins,” she gestured to herself, “may remember all the bad things but now, I can learn, I’m free, I’m not disempowered. If this is a dream, I don’t want it to end, ever. And though I speak with authority on Alice Watkins, over the months, I’m beginning to doubt she exists anywhere but in my imagination.”

  He had to mention it. To see what she made of it. See if she remembered.

  “Sometimes, Alice, another side of you emerges. You speak with a different inflexion, a different confidence, even your body language changes. It’s happened on more than one occasion. One moment, I am with you as you are now, but at other times, I believe it may be Alexis Langley’s personality.”

  He decided not to tell her about the incident on the steps at the monastery, nor remind her A’khet referred to her as Alice Watkins, somehow, he was sure there was unfinished business there.

  “I know, Noah, I’ve been told this before and sometimes, I have vague recollections, but mostly, I don’t remember anything. Listening to you playing the violin reminded me of the time on the Significator, when you said I played the piano. I don’t remember it at all, I only remember seeing you, being afraid and not knowing why I was there. I’ve played the piano at the Tabernacle.”

  “More than once.”

  “Oh dear.”

  “I saw you.”

  “Oh, my goodness. My steward told me I once went to the library in
my nightie.”

  “Well, I only saw you once, and you were wearing a nightgown and no shoes, but only myself and Statesman Mellor heard you, and we stayed outside the library.”

  “I need to tie myself to the bed. I can’t believe I do it. How can I do such a thing and have no memory?”

  “Music is part of a person’s soul, a part of their personality. Once it’s there, it never leaves. It may not be a part of the Alice Watkins you remember. You can’t even be sure you have all her memories.”

  “You might be right. I led a very gloomy existence, and I have no musical ability whatsoever.”

  “Then you can’t be her. Don’t forget, I’ve heard you play the piano.”

  “It’s how I remember my past,” Alice shook her head sadly. “The truth is, Alice Watkins, whether she’s a figment of my imagination or not, is in here,” she held her hand up to her head. Then, moving her hand to her heart, whispered, “and she’s in here. Noah, I’m not sure I’ve got the courage to stand up and say— not yet anyway—that these memories are false, that all I need is time.”

  “I find it difficult to see the other Alice in you,” Noah said, “and I disagree, you have incredible courage, you’ve come so far.”

  “Do I seem more like how Alexis Langley would be?”

  He only had his instincts; she’d somehow meshed two distinct personalities together, one perceived, the other true. But which of the personalities he’d witnessed belonged to Alexis Langley? The only answer could be that both were her personality, still fragmented from the stasis but separated in Alice’s mind until she felt safe and secure in her new world. His thoughts returned to the A’khet, so why would they make a distinction…?

  “Alice Watkins seems to be a victim of her circumstances. Was she as bold, as confident and eager to learn, or as determined? What would her mother’s response be to her daughter spending two nights away in a remote area with a man she hardly knows?”

  “Horror, but then, I would have been far too shy to accept anyway. Perhaps Alice Watkins and Alexis Langley are making a new person between them,” she hesitated. “Noah, I’ve never gone into so much detail about my memories, not even with Dr Grossmith.”

  And then he saw a tear slide down her cheek. She was not beyond the pain. It seemed right for him to go to her, reach down and take her hand and draw her to him. He guided her arm around his waist, and she left it there, curling her fingers into his shirt. Placing his hand ever so gently over the side of her head, he held her to him. Not for one moment did she resist or question, only took the comfort he offered.

  She felt small and sweet and soft in his arms, and he closed his eyes. When he spoke, she heard the depth of his voice resonate in his chest against her face.

  “I don’t know if the memories of Alice Watkins have an explanation,” he said gently. “You may need to accept them as part of your new life and make new, happier memories.”

  “I am making new memories, Noah. Wonderful memories,” she tilted her head to look up at him, “but Alice Watkins was all I ever was before. I know they aren’t happy memories mostly, but they are all I have, without them, I have no past at all. I didn’t exist. I’m a ghost.”

  He smiled down at her, her skin pale against the whiteness of her blouse, her hair still golden in the early sunlight. A little sprite. She rested her head back against his chest, smiling a tiny smile when he stroked her hair.

  They stood for a moment longer, and though he didn’t want to be the one to break the spell, high above them was a starship he needed to get back to in a few short hours. He’d already delayed his return far too long.

  Cursing silently, he took a deep breath and let her go, dropping his arm and finding her hand.

  “We have to get back. I am due on the Significator. Thank you,” he smiled, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, “for telling me about Alice Watkins.”

  Alice didn’t regret telling him, didn’t regret letting him hold her. She felt she could be herself around him, whoever she might be, and she gave herself a little shake.

  “I’m OK now, Noah. I don’t want to make you late with my tales of woe.”

  “My new statesman, Junnot, is in command in my absence. I planned to go back the day after Tibet, but I had to spend time in Cloisters with Statesman Evesham, so I’m very late, and that’s not your fault. I’ll take you home. If you wish, we can find another place to visit when I come back in a few days. Your aunties suggested the Top of the World, from what we’ve discussed, you might find it very interesting—it’s not too far from here.”

  Alice felt sad at the thought of him leaving. Sadder than when Patrick left, but he had an important job to do, and she mustn’t distract him. Of course, she told herself, he was just being kind when he held her, and she was being silly to think there was more to it than that.

  Chapter 18

  “Welcome home, Alice,” Mary and Jane greeted her as if she’d been away a month. Pecky, riding on the back of a boisterous dog, flew squawking onto her shoulder to nibble her hair in welcome, fully prepared to forgive her for leaving him now she had returned.

  “Good evening, Principal Ryan,” Mary greeted Noah. “Alice, how did you find Machu Picchu?”

  “Wonderful, Auntie Mary,” Alice enthused, “indescribable. Principal Ryan has such knowledge, I’m sure I wrung every last ounce of information out of him!”

  “She may be right, Dr Greer,” Noah smiled, “and after draining me of knowledge, she turned to the registry terminals and wrung them out too.”

  “Well, Principal Ryan, we hope you’re not in a hurry. We would love you to stay for a while.”

  Alice saw him hesitate, even sensed his disappointment, but he had responsibilities.

  “I have to decline. I am headed...” he pointed to the heavens with a sideways smile at Alice, “in that direction.”

  “Oh, what a shame,” Mary wondered at the secret joke between them, “another time perhaps. You are always welcome.”

  “Thank you, Dr Greer. Alice, I’ll keep in touch.”

  He made a slight bow to the aunties, but for Alice, his eyes found hers, and he made a tiny movement of his mouth, a small statement, meant for her, and he hoped she understood.

  Alice desperately wanted to walk with him to the shuttle, wondering if she did, he might hold her again. But she contented herself with watching him stride away, followed by one of the dogs, who was rewarded by a pat on the head and a kiss on the snout.

  The aunties sat her at the table. As always, tea, or coffee, depending on the time of day, was duly served as they settled in to hear all the details. Alice forgot none of her experiences, there were so many special moments, each one memorable, but she didn’t tell them about her most unforgettable moment when Noah held her. For now, she would keep it preciously close to her heart.

  Noah arrived back at the Tabernacle to find the Significators automatrans waiting. He quickly went in search of his aunt to let her know he’d arrived but would be leaving again directly. She emerged from Cloisters to walk with him out to the automatrans.

  “Patrick left a message for you, Noah. He wonders when you are returning to the Significator.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “The truth. That Principal Ryan escorted Alice to Machu Picchu and would be back on the ship today.”

  “How did you know I went to Machu Picchu?”

  “I know your favourite place in the world, Noah, and I knew you would never be too long overdue returning to the ship. I guessed the rest.”

  “Dr Langley likes history, I invited her to come along.”

  He looked down at her, bending down even further to make sure she knew he could see the tiny, I-know-the-truth smile on her lips. No point in trying to fool his aunt, she would see the heart of the matter just by looking you in the eye.

  “Patrick is envious of you I think, spending time with Alice.”

  “Aunt, are you troublemaking?”

  “Not at all. Don’t worry, I told him I
asked you to take her, which isn’t strictly true. He asked if you require him on the Significator, as he is arriving here in a few days and plans to see Alice.”

  “His assignment to the Accessor isn’t finished.”

  Principal Katya took her nephew’s arm.

  “You know, as well as I do, Noah, he is not on assignment. He can come and go as he pleases. Just as Alice can.”

  He did not comment, but from the corner of her eye, she saw the change in his expression.

  “It is you who is jealous now.”

  “As you say, she can do as she pleases.”

  “As long as it is with you, eh?”

  He ignored that, and instead stooped to kiss her, turning as he stepped into the automatrans.

  “I don’t need Patrick on the ship right now. I can’t make excuses to bring him back when he’s on leave. And stop meddling, Aunt, you are World Principal, not Noah Ryan’s private life Principal.”

  “I am everyone’s Principal, including yours,” she smiled. “I just love you the best.”

  He grinned at her as the door closed, but his grin faded as soon as she was out of sight. He had to go back to the ship. It was outside protocol to leave a new officer in command for any length of time, even in space dock, and he’d already exceeded that protocol by several days. What bad luck it came just when Patrick was returning. He had to have faith what he and Alice shared meant something to her, and that Patrick, for all his charm and looks, still wouldn’t turn her head.

  Over the following few days, Alice tried not to hope too much that Noah would make contact, but she felt like a teenager with a first crush, something she’d never encountered. Her tummy fluttered and she watched the skies constantly, becoming distracted when she thought about being close to him. She told herself off for her nonsense, busying herself in the garden or fishing or riding, or showing Auntie Jane new recipes. She spoke to Amelia on the registry and had a consultation with Dr Grossmith, who examined her heart and insides from a distance. He told her he was back on Earth full-time now, living with his brother, and this would be the last time he would need to check on her medically but would stay in close contact.