Awakening the Shy Nurse

by Alison Roberts

  He walked to the edge of the deck instead and stood by the rail. He could see down onto a lower deck from here and there were obviously plenty of crew working overtime tonight to start the clean-up process that was part of the aftermath of bad weather. The kitchens and dining rooms would be even worse than the decks. Hugh had already treated a few lacerations from people dealing with bucketloads of broken glass. The deck chairs were one of the main issues outside. They got blown around or washed into corners to end up in a tangled heap. Someone was walking around one of those piles right now. A small figure in a bright yellow sou’wester.

  Lisa...

  Was she on the way to a call or just getting some fresh air? Hugh leaned over the rail, tempted to call out. Tempted to invite her to come and have a coffee with him just because he wanted to be closer to her. As he opened his mouth, however, he saw Lisa turn suddenly and then stoop to pick something up from amongst the jumble of deck-chair legs.

  It was a wallet. He might be well above Lisa and it was the middle of the night but she was standing directly beneath a light so it was easy to see just how full of notes that wallet was when she opened it to have a look, and then touched the wad of notes as if trying to estimate its value. Hugh could also see the astonishment on Lisa’s face and the way she instantly looked around, as if she expected the owner of the wallet to be nearby. Or was she wondering if anyone had seen her? The only person on that section of the deck was a crew member who had his arms full of folded deck chairs and he was walking away from Lisa to join his colleagues so he hadn’t seen her. She looked over her shoulder again and then, with what almost looked like a shrug of her shoulders, Lisa folded the wallet and slipped it into the pocket of her coat.

  He knew perfectly well that Lisa wasn’t stealing that wallet. That she would be taking it to someone who would know what to do about finding its owner. He knew that with the same conviction that he knew how much she loved her sister. What that little scenario did do, however, was give Hugh a glimpse of an escape route back to a safe place. Because he had buttons that could be pushed quite easily when it came to women who cared too much about money—buttons that had clearly already been primed by overhearing that conversation Lisa had had with her sister. And because that button being pushed automatically pushed another one, that made him also easily remember the pain of making oneself vulnerable by loving someone so much that they had the power to break your heart.

  That kind of pain was what was very likely to happen if he allowed this fling with Lisa to get any bigger than it already was. He could get hurt again. And, if that wasn’t enough to convince him to pull the plug on what was happening between them, there was something else that was even less acceptable. Lisa was going to get hurt. And, okay, she might be going to get hurt anyway but this was about damage limitation now, wasn’t it? For her sake even more than his own. Because that’s what you did when you cared enough about someone else. They would both get over this. It had just been a shipboard fling, after all.

  * * *

  It wasn’t exactly the end to this cruise that Lisa had imagined or that she would have wished for.

  She was on deck as dawn was breaking and this massive ship was edging into port at Malaga. In a matter of only a few hours, she would be walking down the gangway and away from the most extraordinary job she’d ever had.

  Away from the most extraordinary man she’d ever met.

  She’d hardly seen him since that storm had peaked and they’d gone to that call in the gym together. She’d known that something had changed but she couldn’t understand why. Unless she’d been completely wrong in the kind of man she believed Hugh Patterson to be? Maybe that very first impression of him had been the correct one. That he was one of those shallow, wealthy, pleasure-seeking people who were up for unlimited sexual adventures with no intention of getting involved or thought of hurting others along the way.

  No...that wasn’t going to work. She knew perfectly well that Hugh was one of the most genuine and caring people she’d ever met.

  In fact...that was Hugh walking towards her right now and the expression on his face was exactly that. Genuine. Caring. She knew that her own face must be showing a lot of what was happening inside her. Joy in seeing him but puzzlement about why he’d apparently been avoiding her. A need to snatch any last moments they could enjoy together but sadness in knowing that they would be the last.

  Maybe Hugh could see all that and maybe that was why there was no need to say anything. Why he took her into his arms as she turned away from the rail towards him. Why he kissed her with such...thoroughness...

  But it felt different. So heartbreakingly tender it could have been a final farewell.

  Somebody walked past, which was enough to make them break the kiss, but Lisa couldn’t bear to move out of the circle of his arms yet so she put her head into the hollow of his shoulder, where she could hear the beat of his heart. The way she had done many times now, when they were in bed together and desire had been sated, at least temporarily.

  ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you for so long already,’ she murmured. ‘I was missing you, Hugh.’

  ‘I was up here a few hours ago.’ Hugh’s voice was a rumble beneath her ear. He sounded incredibly weary. Almost sad, in fact. ‘I saw you on the lower deck. It looked like you’d dropped something?’

  ‘Not me.’ Lisa closed her eyes so she could soak in how it felt to have Hugh’s arms around her like this. ‘Somebody must have lost their wallet in the storm. It’s crazy how much money some people carry around with them.’ Not that Lisa wanted to talk about this. There were far more important things she wanted to talk about. Like whether or not she might ever see Hugh again. ‘I...um...handed it in.’

  ‘Oh...’ It seemed like Hugh’s grip tightened around her for a moment but then he let her go. ‘Of course you did.’

  There was something odd in his tone. Something that made Lisa look up to catch his gaze, and she couldn’t interpret what she could see in his eyes but it looked as if it was mostly something sad. Disappointed even?

  Perhaps he was feeling the same way she was. That she was about to lose something very precious. Lisa took a deep breath and summoned every bit of courage she had.

  ‘I’m going to miss you, Hugh,’ she whispered. ‘I... I love you...’

  He held her gaze. She could see the way his face softened as he smiled. ‘I’m going to miss you, too, Lisa. It’s been fun, hasn’t it?’

  Lisa swallowed hard. Fun?

  He wasn’t going to say it back, was he?

  Because he didn’t feel the same way. He’d just been having fun... Already she could feel the rush of blood to her cheeks. The heat of mortification...

  Hugh broke their gaze to look over the railings of the deck. ‘We’ll be finished docking soon,’ he said quietly. ‘Our cruise will be officially over.’

  And the cruise wasn’t the only thing that would be officially over, obviously. Lisa was cringing inside now and she knew she must be the colour of a beetroot by now. She’d just told this man she loved him and he was about to tell her that he never wanted to see her again?

  ‘I know,’ she said quickly. ‘And it’ll be time to say goodbye. These cruise things...well, they’re like holiday flings, I guess. Better to leave them as a good memory than turn them into dust by trying to make them into something they’re not, yes?’

  Why on earth was she trying to make this so easy for him? Or was it that she was just trying to make it less painful for herself? To give herself a chance to get away before he could see just how devastating this was for her?

  ‘Especially for people like us.’ Hugh’s tone seemed to hold a sigh of relief. ‘You’re a family person through and through. It’s been hard for you to be away from your sister, hasn’t it? Me—I could never stay in one place for long.’

  Or with one person. Lisa could easily add those unspoken words. She’d known that
right from the start. Had she really thought that maybe she would be the one to change his mind?

  She really did have to escape.

  ‘I’d better go and start packing.’ She actually managed to sound cheerful. Excited about the prospect of going home, even? ‘I’ll come down to the clinic to say goodbye properly before I go onshore.’

  * * *

  Hugh wasn’t in the clinic when Lisa went in to make her farewells. He had intended to be there, of course—it was the polite thing to do—but he’d left it too late because he’d gone back to that bar on the Lido deck now that he was off duty, to do something he would never normally do at this time of day.

  ‘Another coffee, Doc?’

  ‘No. I’ve been up for so long it doesn’t feel like morning any more. I’ll have a glass of champagne, thanks.’

  Because, in defeat, you needed it?

  So here he was, watching the swarm of people leaving the ship far below him, with his glass almost empty, and that was when he realised he’d left it too late to say goodbye properly to Lisa Phillips, because he could see her on the pier, dragging her bright red suitcase behind her as she headed for the taxi rank.

  She’d told him she loved him.

  And he’d had to exert every ounce of his strength not to say it back. If he had, they would have stayed there in each other’s arms, making plans for a future together that could never have worked. This was the life he loved and he was nowhere near ready to give it up. Lisa would never want to work on a cruise ship on a more permanent basis because that would take her away from her beloved sister. A sister who needed her to be close because she was disabled. He couldn’t compete with that although Lisa might have agreed to work at sea with him if he’d asked. Because she loved him and he could feel the truth of that in a way he never had with the woman he’d almost married.

  And he loved her which was why he’d pushed her away. Because if you felt like that about someone, you did what was best for them, not for yourself. He could never ask Lisa to give up caring for her sister to be with him. No matter how much she loved him, a part of her would be miserable and that would undermine everything. He would hate himself for making her miserable and maybe she would even hate him in the end. And, if he’d given up the life he loved in order to be with her, he would have been miserable and the end result would have been the same. It could never have worked so it was better this way. It just didn’t feel like it yet.

  It was easy to recognise Lisa down there on the pier but Hugh knew she wouldn’t be able to spot him. It felt like she could, though, when he saw the way she stopped and turned to stare up at the ship for the longest moment.

  It felt like a piece of his heart was tearing off.

  CHAPTER NINE

  ABIGAIL PHILLIPS WAS increasingly worried about her older sister.

  She could understand that there would be a period of readjustment from the excitement of that amazing couple of weeks she’d had working on a cruise ship and then having to settle into a new job as a junior care home manager but it had been another couple of weeks now and, as far as Abby could tell, this new job was a complete disaster.

  She’d never seen Lisa looking so miserable.

  In an effort to cheer her up, Abby had not only picked up their takeaway dinner, in what they’d agreed would be a weekly tradition now that they weren’t living together, she had a special gift for Lisa.

  ‘Put the food in the kitchen and we’ll heat it up soon. Come and sit in the lounge with me. I’ve got something for you.’

  An advantage to being in a wheelchair was that you could tuck things in beside you and keep them hidden. It was a little harder with the bottle-shaped something that Abby had on her left side but she’d hidden that with her big, soft shoulder bag. The small, flat package on her right side had been easier to conceal.

  Lisa opened the wrapping and then froze as she stared at what was inside the package. Abby’s heart sank like a stone.

  ‘It’s that French café,’ she said. ‘The one you sent me the picture of. I thought you’d like a memory of being in the most romantic place on earth.’ And that was why she’d chosen a silver frame with heart-shaped corners for the print of Lisa, sitting beneath grapevines, with the most beautiful view in the background, holding up a glass of champagne in a toast, she’d later labelled Here’s to living the dream! when she’d sent it to Abby. Seeing even an echo of that kind of joyous smile on her face was what Abby had been aiming for this evening. What actually happened was that Lisa burst into tears.

  ‘Oh, heck...’ Abby manoeuvred her chair and put the brakes on so that she could transfer herself to the couch and put her arms around her sister. ‘I’m sorry... I’ve done the wrong thing, haven’t I?’

  ‘It’s not you.’ Lisa was making a valiant effort to stifle her sobs. She scrubbed at her eyes and sniffed. ‘I...love the photo...’

  ‘It’s that new job of yours, isn’t it? I know you hate it.’

  ‘It’s not that bad.’

  ‘But you hate it, don’t you?’

  ‘I just need to get used to it. Being in an office that doesn’t even have a window instead of working with any patients myself, you know? The closest I get is helping the family fill in their pre-admission forms or organising medical appointments for the residents that can’t be managed in our treatment rooms.’

  ‘You’d rather be back on that ship? Dealing with exciting things like that guy who stopped breathing? Going to romantic places like this café?’

  But Lisa was shaking her head with such emphasis that it was almost despair and Abby finally twigged.

  ‘Oh...my God,’ she breathed. ‘You did have a fling with that cute doctor, didn’t you? That was why you started looking like a kid on Christmas morning.’

  Lisa caught a slow tear that was trickling down the side of her nose. ‘It was a really bad idea. I knew what he was like. The first time I ever saw him he was kissing another woman, for heaven’s sake.’

  ‘He cheated on you?’ Abby could feel a knot of anger forming in her gut. Whatever the guy had done, he’d hurt Lisa and that was unforgivable.

  ‘You can’t cheat on someone if you’re not in a relationship,’ Lisa said. ‘And we weren’t. We both knew it was only going to last as long as the cruise and, no, I know that he wasn’t interested in anyone else while he was with me. He just...switched off being interested in me at the end. Like it hadn’t been anything important...or even special...’

  Abby watched as Lisa screwed her eyes tightly shut to try and ward off any more tears. ‘You fell in love with him, didn’t you?’ Her own heart was breaking for Lisa. ‘You went for the first non-boring guy ever and you fell for him.’

  Lisa nodded miserably. ‘It was entirely my fault. I knew it wasn’t safe. I knew I was playing with fire and there was a good chance I’d get burnt. And that’s exactly what happened.’

  ‘Takes two to tango,’ Abby muttered.

  ‘It wasn’t as if it was anything that could have become something more and we both knew that. That day, in that café in the picture, we’d agreed we could be friends even if we were total opposites and then...and then he made me laugh when I was feeling really crap.’

  Abby shook her head. ‘Yeah, that’ll do it. What is it that’s so powerful about someone making you laugh?’

  ‘Maybe it’s because it’s something that shows you want someone to feel better. And that there has to be a connection, whether you’ve known it was there or not, to make it work.’

  ‘Hmm...you could be right.’ But Abby frowned. ‘Why were you feeling so crap?’

  ‘We’d lost a patient. A cardiac arrest in a guy who was on his honeymoon. We tried to resuscitate him for nearly an hour but we were never going to win.’

  Abby’s eyes widened. ‘You never told me about that.’

  ‘Well, you were having a hard time yourself. It was the same d
ay that you’d had that patient assume you were a patient as well, not his therapist.’

  ‘Oh...so you were already feeling bad and then I heaped all my crap on you and you spent your time trying to make me feel better but didn’t even let me know how you were feeling so I couldn’t try to make you feel better.’ Abby really was angry now. ‘How do you think that makes me feel?’ She reached to pull her chair closer, intending to get off the couch and away from Lisa before they revisited an argument that would ruin the evening—the one about how Lisa had always done too much for Abby, who was never allowed to reciprocate in any meaningful way. ‘And, as for that guy, what was his name?’

  ‘Hugh...’ Lisa’s voice was a whisper.

  ‘Yeah... Hugh... Well, he’s just a bastard and you’re better off a million miles away from him. Man, I wish I could tell him exactly what I think of him.’

  It wasn’t possible to shift herself onto the cushion of her chair until she’d pulled her shoulder bag off the cushion. Oh...and that bottle of champagne. She would have hidden it from Lisa but it was too late. She’d seen it and she was crying again. But she was laughing through her tears and suddenly that made the prospect of a big fight evaporate instantly. It was Lisa who put her arms around Abby this time, to give her a fierce hug. They’d been through far worse times than this and survived. They would always survive because they had each other as support, even if the giving had always been too heavily weighted on Lisa’s side.

  ‘How did you know?’ Lisa asked when she finally pulled herself free of the hug and wiped her eyes.

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘That, in defeat, you need champagne.’

  ‘What on earth are you talking about, Lise?’

  Lisa got to feet. ‘I’ll find some glasses,’ she said. ‘And then give you a wee history lesson about Napoleon Bonaparte.’

  * * *

  ‘It’s lovely to see you, Hugh. Or it would be, if you weren’t looking so...wrecked.’