Just As I Am

by Lynn Jaxon

  I fight to keep from falling out of my chair. “I’m on my way,” I say, as I hang up the phone.

  Alan walks into the office and immediately knows that it is something bad. He sees me shaking and allows no room for argument when he grabs his keys from his desk and says, “I’m driving. You’re too upset to be behind the wheel. Whatever it is, you will get through it.”

  My voice doesn’t even sound like my own when I tell him, “Step on it. I need to get to my wife now!”

  Alan remains calm and steady when he says, “I’ve got you, man. We’re almost there. It will do Emily no good if we’re in an accident or if I get pulled over for reckless driving.”

  Dr. Davenport is waiting for me outside of radiology, where Em is undergoing an MRI.

  “Emily had a blinding headache and passed out, hitting her head.”

  I start to breathe easier, it was just a headache. She’ll be okay. But before I could feel true relief, Dr. Davenport spoke again. “When we were doing the first CT scan, we saw something suspicious on the scan, and decided to do an MRI. Emily gave me permission to fill you in on what is going on. We will know more after neurology has a look at her new scans. She will be done in a few minutes, and then you can go in and see her.” Then it hits me. I knew in my gut I should have made her get checked out since she’s been having so many headaches lately, but I just blew it off as job stress. I’m such a fool.

  Chapter Three

  Emily

  Now that I am finally in a room, all I have is time to think and worry. What is happening to me? Is this more serious than just migraines? How will Benson and the boys handle news that may not be good? Please, Lord. Just let me be okay.

  Benson walks in with an expression I’ve never seen before on his face—terror. I can see the fear in his eyes, and I know what I’m about to hear is not good. Benson is pacing the room, making me even more anxious. I reach out my hand for him, and he immediately takes it. There are so many questions in his eyes. I reach up and caress his handsome face, his beard tickling my fingers.

  “I’m so sorry I scared you. I don’t know what happened. All I remember is the worst headache I’ve ever had, and then I woke up in one of the hospital beds. Evidently, I had a seizure when I fell and hit my head. I’m sure the second MRI is just a precaution from the seizure.”

  Benson looks down, and his face falls. This can’t be good. Now, I can feel panic starting to rise in my chest. My face is feeling flush, and my heart rate is increasing with each passing minute I wait to hear what he is going to say. I breathe in deeply and ask, “What’s wrong, honey? Everything will be fine. I’ve just been tired lately and working too much. I promise I will slow down.”

  “Stop, just stop,” Benson says. “Yes, you work too much, but it's more than that. Dr. Banks is coming in to talk to us. Dr. Davenport consulted with him to come and look at your scans.” Benson resumes his pacing around the room and running his hands through his hair, only stopping when I ask him a question.

  “Why did Dr. Davenport call neuro? I’m sure the seizure was just from hitting my head when I fell.”

  Just as I speak these words, both Dr. Banks and Dr. Davenport walk into the room, holding the image that seals my fate. From the look on both of their faces, it does not look good.

  “Okay, you two are scaring me. What is going on?” The panic builds inside me like an explosion.

  Dr. Banks speaks matter of factly. “I don’t know any other way to say this other than to come right out and tell you. You have a large mass growing in your brain. It is likely what has been causing the headaches, fatigue, and today’s seizure. We need to schedule you for an immediate biopsy to see exactly what we are dealing with.”

  Oh hell, is he saying what I think he is? No, that can’t be. I swallow back my emotions and ask him. “Cancer? Do you think I have a brain tumor?” I can barely form the words. As I look over at Benson, I see tears running down his face. I would do anything if I could make his pain go away.

  Benson helps me up, my legs are like jelly. If he wasn’t supporting me, I don’t think I would have made it to the truck.

  The ride home is silent. Benson just holds my hand, rubbing his thumb across the top of my knuckles. I’m not sure if he’s even aware that he is doing it. I’m sure his mind is racing just as much as mine. We have so much life left to live, I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to leave him or our children.

  I am scheduled for a biopsy first thing in the morning. The doctor gave me instructions to not eat or drink anything after midnight. I don’t think either one of us will be getting any sleep tonight.

  The short drive home from the hospital feels like an eternity, with the enormity of what we just found out surrounding us like a black cloud. We arrive home. Home, my dream home that is filled with so much love and so many wonderful memories. Benson opens my door and lifts me effortlessly into his strong arms, carrying me into the house, just like he did the day we signed the papers, and it was officially ours.

  Benson doesn’t want to let me go. He holds my hand and pulls me into his lap on the couch.

  “I will be fine. This has to be some kind of mistake. Tomorrow, you will see that it’s going to be okay. We can get through anything together.”

  Benson clears his throat and says, “Baby, we should call the boys and let them know what’s going on.”

  “We can't do that, they both have finals this week and need to focus on their studies. Let’s just see what we find out after tomorrow and go from there. No need to worry them for nothing.”

  Benson closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Whatever you want, honey. I’ll support you.”

  He kisses me tenderly on the cheek and carries me to our room to rest.

  As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m so tired. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

  When I wake up, it is two in the morning. I cannot believe I fell asleep this afternoon and slept for over thirteen hours. I look over at Benson. He is sitting up in bed looking completely exhausted and lost. “Didn’t you go to sleep?”

  Benson shakes his head and wipes his eyes. “I couldn’t fall asleep. I just need today to be over and to find out that you’re okay.”

  He leans over and kisses me gently on the head before wrapping his strong arms around me. It absolutely breaks my heart to see him in so much pain. I have only ever wanted to cause him joy, but now I will forever be a source of anguish and heartache.

  Chapter Four

  Benson

  When the alarm goes off, I’m startled awake. I guess I finally fell asleep sometime after I held Em in my arms. She fell back asleep too, which shows how much of a toll this is taking on her. I know we need to get up and get moving, but I lie here, holding her just a little longer. She’s the love of my life and the thought of losing her guts me.

  I feel soft kisses on my shoulder and realize that Em is awake. I can’t help but wonder how much longer I will get to feel her soft lips on mine. We get up and shower together because I just want to keep her close. Unlike our anniversary, there is no passion, only love and comfort when I wash her hair and body. She washes me, too, causing my skin to light on fire for her, but now is not the time for that.

  I climb out of the shower and grab three towels, wrapping mine around my waist and then drying Em’s body with one while wrapping her long auburn hair in the other. She silently watches me with her beautiful green eyes that are filled with worry or is it pain, that she is trying to mask behind a smile. I hope she is not in agony right now. Em suffering is like a knife to my heart.

  “What are you thinking?” I ask.

  “I’m just thinking about how lucky I am to have found you when we were just kids. I was able to train you right.”

  I let out a small chuckle and say, “Is that so?”

  “Get them young, train them right, and tell them nothing. That’s what my momma used to say.”

  “Only your mother would have said that. But I will have to disagree with the ‘tell
them nothing.’ We tell each other everything.”

  “That we do, my nosy husband.”

  A sparkle shines in her eyes when she says this, and it gives me hope.

  I can’t help but watch her every move. I’m still on edge that she is going to have another episode like yesterday.

  Em gets ready, and we head out to my Toyota Tundra, a gift she surprised me with on our anniversary last year. It is smoky grey with big mud tires like I had always talked about but would never get for myself. My old truck got me from point A to point B, and as long as she and the boys had what they needed, I was fine. Needless to say, I was blown away when she pulled up in front of EM Fitness and jumped out of this monster.

  Breaking from my thoughts of last year, I pick her up and place her gently in the front seat. She protests that she is perfectly capable of climbing into my truck. That may be true, but with all of today’s unknowns, I need to do the one thing I can control, which is to take care of my wife. Not to mention, I’ve done nothing but worry that she might fall since I got the call yesterday.

  I didn’t want her to know I was worried she would fall, so I just smirked and said, “What fun would that be? Then I wouldn’t get to touch your luscious ass.”

  The drive to the hospital is silent. I think we are both in deep thought about what is going to happen. My mind is running a mile a minute with fears of what is to come. How will I begin to tell the boys that their mother is so very sick? All I know is that I want to spend every waking minute with her. We have excellent insurance, and with Em being the planner she is, she took out supplemental cancer policies on all of us. I just never dreamed we would need to use them.

  Em checks in and is called back immediately. Dr. Banks is waiting for her. He explains the procedure and risks to both of us.

  After giving Em a kiss and telling her how much I love her, she goes back to find out our fate. I know she is the one that this is happening to, but there is no Benson without Emily. She is my everything.

  I’m pacing a hole in the carpet in the waiting room, so I go down to the chapel to pray. I light a candle and pray to a God that I hope is listening.

  This procedure was only supposed to last 2-3 hours. We are now going on 4 hours. No matter the outcome, I have to be strong for Em, as I know she would be for me. Hopefully, the doctor will come out soon and tell me everything's okay.

  Chapter Five

  Emily

  My palms are sweaty, and my heart is racing as I sit here waiting to be prepped for the biopsy. I know this is silly, but I was so relieved to know they weren’t going to shave off a significant section of my hair. I worked so hard to grow it out for Benson after keeping it short when the boys were little. Benson loved my hair long, and it definitely added a little fun to our love life.

  The nurse, Missy, who is a friend of mine, comes in and attempts to school her features. She doesn’t have to say anything. I can see it all over her face. The situation isn’t good. She’s had to be a part of the team to deliver bad news too many times. And now, she may have to do just that to her friend and coworker.

  Missy explained that they will put local anesthetic to numb my skin. I will feel a slight burn and pressure when the needle goes in, but it shouldn’t be painful. Then she leaves the room so I can change into my gown. A few minutes later, she comes back with the anesthesiologist to wheel me back to the OR.

  This is the weirdest feeling, being awake and knowing someone is inserting a needle into your brain. I have every faith in my doctor, but this is still some scary shit.

  Everything seems to be going well, and then suddenly I feel intense pain like no other pain I’ve ever felt before and my vision blurs. I want to scream, but I can’t. I can’t move. It’s like I am floating and looking down at my body. I can hear Dr. Banks talking. He tells Missy that this doesn’t look good and I’m having a seizure.

  When I wake up, I remember nothing. I open my eyes and see Benson’s tear-stained face and swollen eyes looking down at me. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

  I try to speak but I can’t. It’s then I realize that I have a tube down my throat. I start to panic, and the monitor next to my bed goes off.

  “Shhh, don’t try to talk. There were complications, and the doctor had to intubate you. You’ve been sedated for the past twenty four hours.”

  I reach my hand up and feel the large bandage wrapped around my head. Oh, God, what happened? I can’t breathe, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. I don’t want to die. I think I’m hyperventilating. I need to slow down my breathing before I pass out. Please, God, I don’t know what to do.

  Benson continues to try and calm me, but I feel like I’m going to drown.

  Benson sounds almost as panicked as I feel even though I can tell he is trying his hardest to hide it. “Stop fighting the vent, baby. I will let the nurse know you’re awake.”

  Missy and another nurse I do not know come into the room. The nurse I don't know says, “You need to try and stay calm. I’ll get the doctor so we can remove this tube.”

  I steady myself and try to remain calm as Dr. Banks enters the room. His white coat and stern expression are almost as scary as the tube down my throat.

  “Hi, Emily,” Dr. Banks greets me. “Give us just a few minutes, and we’re going to remove the tube. I know you’re ready for it to be gone. I just need you to try and keep calm.”

  I do as he says, closing my eyes and tightly squeezing Benson's hand. Once the tube is removed, I swallow hard and take a deep breath. I no longer feel like I am trying to breathe underwater. I can feel my heart rate begin to slow.

  “Emily,” Dr. Banks says. “During the biopsy, you had a massive seizure, and there was some unexpected swelling. We had to sedate you and do an open craniotomy to stop the bleeding.” He takes a break, allowing me to process what all this means.

  “W-what about the tumor?” I manage to ask through my scratchy sore throat.

  “I’m sorry. The tumor was much larger than we had originally anticipated. We’re still waiting on the results, but we’re ninety-nine percent sure it’s Grade IV Glioblastoma.”

  I’m trying to process his words, and what this means. I turn to look at Benson, and his face is ghost white. I try to squeeze his hand, but his grip gives way, and he crumples to the floor. All I want to do is climb out of this damn bed and comfort him.

  Chapter Six

  Emily

  Sleep was impossible last night with the nurses coming in and out of my room. I just want to be home and in my own bed. I’m relieved when Dr. Banks walks into my room. “I am so ready to go home. Is it necessary for me to stay in the hospital for another day?”

  “Actually, you will need to stay for at least three days. You have been through a major surgery, Emily. You need to take time and let your body heal.”

  I almost laugh at his statement. Let my body heal. My body is killing me. I am in the medical field, and I know there is no coming back from a glioblastoma the size of mine. I have never worked in oncology, but I did a clinical rotation on the oncology floor. It was the most depressing thing I have ever done. I could not bring myself to ever work on that floor. Now, I am that depressing patient whose fate has already been decided by a mass growing in my brain.

  Before Benson gets back from getting us both a Starbucks, I am addicted to their peppermint mochas and lemon loaf, I need to ask Dr. Banks to be upfront with me.

  “How much longer do I have?”

  He looks me in the eyes and says, “Probably less than three months. You may have six months to a year if you undergo chemo and radiation. The tumor is inoperable. I will do everything I can to make you as comfortable as possible, whichever route you choose. This is something you need to discuss with Benson.”

  “Benson is going to want me to do everything I can to extend my life, but I don’t want to go through the pain and being sick during the time I have left. I want to enjoy my last few days on this earth without that.”

  “I understan
d, but are you sure?”

  “Sure about what?”

  We both turn our heads when Benson walks in the door with my decaf coffee and lemon loaf in hand.

  “I am going to step out so you two can discuss this.” Dr. Banks turns and leaves the room.

  “Bring me my coffee and sweet goodness, oh sexy husband.”

  “Em, what aren’t you telling me?”

  Benson hands me my goodies, and sits down next to me on the bed.

  I take a sip of coffee and sigh. “Dr. Banks told me that I only have three to six months to live. There is no cure, and this tumor is too aggressive and too large to remove.”

  “No, just no! There must be something he can do. With all the advances in medicine, for Christ’s sake! What about chemotherapy and radiation? Won’t that help?”

  I reach out to him with one hand and touch his face with the other, looking him in his big beautiful blue eyes and say, “I don’t want to spend what little time I have left being sick. I want to be here fully, with you, the best I can. I know there will still be headaches and probably an increase in seizures, but I won’t be sick throwing up all the time. I will be home with you. We can call in hospice to help take care of me when the time comes.”

  Benson’s cup of coffee goes flying against the wall.

  “What the hell, Em? Are you just giving up? Why are you even talking about hospice? Aren’t you going to fight this for us? For the boys? What about Mitch and Henry? Have you even thought about how they are going to feel?”

  Visible tears are falling down his handsome face. I reach over to grasp his hand, and I hold him with everything I have. My heart is shattering, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop his pain.

  “Please don’t be angry with me, Benson. I just couldn’t take that on top of everything else. I need you to be strong for me. The boys are going to need you.”