by Lynn Jaxon
Time to snap out of it, go jump in the shower, and prepare for my date with Steven.
Today, I’m in scrubs because it was clinical day and I accompanied my first-year students. I pull them off and throw them in a heap on the floor to pick up later. I turn on the shower and wait for it to heat up. When I see the steam rising out of the glass enclosure, I climb in. It feels like heaven. I let the hot water shooting out of the jets surround me, washing away my day.
It has been too long since I have felt the touch of a man’s hands on my body. I date, but can’t seem to let it lead to anything more than kissing. I am a ball of want and needs for some reason today. I close my eyes and try to picture Steven’s light brown hair, green eyes, clean-shaven face, and runner’s toned body. Instead, dark hair, beard, vibrant blue eyes, and an eight-pack flash before my eyes. I’m instantly wet and panting. I slowly circle my pert nipples with one hand while I bring the other to my swollen clit that is begging to be touched. As I writhe beneath my touch, it’s not my hands I’m feeling. It’s only a minute before my entire body starts to shake and tingle with every nerve that is on fire, in the most delicious way. One more circle of my finger and I detonate, calling out Ben’s name.
Oh fuck, I’m so sorry Em. What did I just do? I can’t believe I just gave myself the best orgasm I’ve had in years picturing my dead best friend’s husband. I feel shame and nausea wash over me. Ben is off limits. It doesn’t matter how wonderful of a person he is or how just talking to him on the phone makes me “feel” for the first time in years. I’m a horrible person.
I stand up and quickly wash my hair and body. If I could, I would cancel this date, but it’s too late. I don’t want to be rude. He is a co-worker after all.
As I’m getting dressed in a simple blue dress that complements my chestnut hair, I hear my phone ringing on the nightstand. I look at the caller ID. It’s Mitch. “Hi, Mitch. To what do I owe the pleasure of hearing from you on this Friday night? You should be out with your law school buddies.”
“Don’t worry, I’m heading out the door in a few to go to that hot new bar on Dickson Street. I can’t remember the name, but it’s all everyone is talking about. I was just thinking about mom, and calling you makes me feel better.”
“I’m glad you called. You know you can call me any time.”
“I didn’t call you at a bad time, did I?”
“Not at all. I was just getting ready for a date with Dr. Marks. You had him for biology your freshman year.”
“You mean you’re finally going to put that man out of his misery? He’s been looking at you with longing since I had that class.”
I roll my eyes, even though he can’t see me do it. “Oh, stop it. He has not.”
Mitch laughs and says, “Have fun on your hot date. I’m gonna hang up now so you can go get all dolled up. Love you.”
I can barely get the words “Love you, too” out of my mouth before I hear the click of the phone shutting off. I take a deep breath and go and put on some light makeup and wait for my doorbell to ring. I need to get in a better head space, or this dinner is going to be a flop.
Ding, Ding. The annoying sound of my doorbell goes off at seven o’clock precisely, just when he said he’d be here. I don’t know why that annoys me. I stand up, smooth out my dress, and answer the door.
I barely have it open when Steven puts a bouquet of red roses in my face. “These are for you,” he says. “You look absolutely stunning.”
“Thank you. Just let me go put these beautiful roses in some water, and we can go.”
I need a minute. Can I even go through with this date? I reach under my sink and pull out a vase from the cabinet to fill with water. I take my time because I am not ready to turn around and face this date.
When I can wait no longer, I turn around and I’m startled to see him standing in front of me. Readying myself, I plaster a smile on my face and say, “Let’s go.”
Steven is in no hurry. He is in my face and pushing me up into the counter. “Do you know how long I have been waiting for this? You’re all I think about. Do you know what seeing your delicious ass in the air did to me?” He takes my hand and thrusts it down on his erect, but unimpressive, dick.
I shove him back and say “What the hell are you doing? I agreed to dinner. Not to, to…” I wave my hands frantically in the air, “this! I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“But Marley, I thought you wanted me, too. Why else would you stick your ass in the air like that?”
“To lean down and pull the vase out from under the sink? I wasn’t expecting you to follow me into the kitchen. I told you I would be right back. This is not going to work for me. Please see yourself out.”
Steven almost looks shocked and just stands there for a minute before he grabs the vase of flowers and takes them with him, slamming the door on the way out. What the actual fuck? Is that man crazy? I sure hope he makes extra effort to go out of his way to avoid seeing me from now on. I can’t deal with his kind of crazy.
Chapter Thirty
Benson
Thank God Marley helped calm my freak out earlier today or I would never have made it through orientation with the new personal trainers. Alan was right, these two definitely knew their stuff and they will bring a lot of knowledge into the gym and hopefully pass it on to our other trainers.
Marley called me Ben today. Nobody, not even Em, called me Ben. Well, except for Barbie, but she doesn’t count. The funny thing is, it just sounded right coming from Marley. I can’t let myself think too much about that.
Now that I’m done with work, I’m going to go work my body into exhaustion, so maybe I can fall asleep tonight without taking melatonin.
My warm up is a three-mile run on the treadmill on a slight incline, just to get my heart rate up, and then I hit the punching bag and free weights.
When I get finished nearly two hours later, I’m drenched in sweat and exhausted. I promise my body I will never go for more than a day or two without doing some form of exercise. I skip taking a shower at the gym and head home, opting for my large shower instead. I plan on removing all of Em’s shampoo and body wash from the bathroom to help me move on. One of the counselors at the Death and Dying support group suggested I do that because it has been a big trigger for my drinking in the past when I would detect her scent. The other day at the grocery store, a woman passed me, and she smelled of lavender and vanilla, so much like how Em used to. I almost couldn’t finish shopping. I broke out into a sweat, and my heart was racing to get out of my chest. Several people stopped me and asked if I was okay. I must have looked like a crazy man.
I stop by and see Alan again before I go, to tell him what a great job he did hiring the new trainers. “You outdid yourself with Mike and David, man. They are going to do great. I see them being a big asset to the company. We will probably have a lot more women signing up to have personal training sessions with them on board.”
Alan chuckles and says, “Whatever keeps us in business. Am I going to be seeing your ugly mug around here tomorrow, Benson?”
“You bet your ass you will. I missed being here. I want to talk to you about something I’ve got rolling around in my head tomorrow.”
“Sure thing. Is it something we need to discuss now?”
“No, tomorrow will be fine. I’m ready to hit the shower and eat an entire rotisserie chicken. Catch ya later.”
As soon as I climb in my truck, Mitch’s ringtone comes through the speakers. “Hey, Mitch. I’m so glad you called. What’s up?”
“Nothing Dad. I just got finished talking to Marley. Talking to you and Marley always makes me feel better when I’m thinking about Mom. I’m about to head out to a new bar downtown with some friends, but wanted to talk to you first and see how you’re doing.”
“I had a bit of a rough start to my day. Like you, Marley has become a sense of calm for me, too, when I’m missing Mom. I was hit like a ton of bricks when I walked into my office at EM Fit
ness and saw the big family portrait I have hanging on the wall from your senior trip we took to Treasure Island. Do you remember how beautiful and happy your mother was that day?”
“Yes, like it was yesterday. She always had a way of making everything we did unforgettable.”
“That she did.”
“Oh, Dad, guess what! Marley has a date tonight with a stuffy biology professor.”
I’m speechless for a moment. My grip on the phone tightens, as does my chest. I steady myself before I respond. “She has what? A date? I wonder why she didn’t say anything to me when we talked earlier.”
“Probably because she knew you were a little upset about Mom and didn’t want to rub it in that she is going out. Speaking of date, when are you going to come see us? We miss you.”
“Who knows, it may be sooner than you think. Go have fun with your buddies, but please drink responsibly and don’t drive!”
“I’m the DD. I don’t plan on drinking anything stronger than soda tonight. I’ll be scoping the place for hot chicks tonight with clear lenses. I’m not going to be like Henry and bring some hideous chick home because he was so drunk he couldn’t see clearly. I’m shivering just thinking about it.”
“Stop, you’re going to make me spit water out my nose from laughing so hard. Be nice. I love you. Have fun. Thanks for calling your old dad.”
“Love you, too. Bye.”
Why does it bother me so much to think about Marley going out with someone? She is a single, exquisite woman, who was my wife’s best friend. I shouldn’t be jealous. Not even one little bit, but damnit I am.
I pull out of the parking lot a little faster than I should, causing my tires to squeal. I feel like such an ass. I flick on the radio, and a cold shiver passes through me as Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” belts out sending chills down my spine. This isn’t the first time I have felt Em reaching out to me in a song. I pull over because I’m having a hard time seeing through the tears that are streaming down my face. Oh, my sweet, beautiful Em. What are you trying to tell me? Are you saying that I need to move on? How could I move on from you? You are my soulmate. I feel so guilty having these unexpected sparks of feelings for Marley. She is so different from you, yet she reminds me of you, too. I couldn’t get past losing you without her.
I swear I can feel the brush of Em’s soft lips on my cheek and hear her whisper, It’s okay. I want you to love again. Just then Whitney belts out, in her powerful give you goosebumps voice, “…. And above all else I wish you love….”
After the song ends, I have to get out of the truck and get some fresh air. I double over with my hands on my knees, wishing I had the answer.
I don’t remember my drive home to my dark and lonely house, but I made it somehow. I kick off my shoes and socks, strip out of my now dry, but stinky athletic shorts and shirt and climb into a scalding shower. I make quick work of cleaning my body and then drying off and clamber into bed in only my Calvin Klein briefs. I’m no longer hungry, just tired.
I’m tired from tossing and turning all night last night, thinking of Marley out on a date. I haven’t heard from her all day, and that is not like Marley to not call me. She must still be on her date with the good Professor. Everything with Em just came so naturally. I was never truly jealous because I knew without a doubt that she was mine. This feeling of jealousy I’m having over Marley dating someone is entirely foreign to me.
I don’t know how long I've been in my own head, thinking about Marley, but someone is ringing the doorbell over and over. What the fuck? Who is so anxious to see me that they won’t stop ringing my bell? When I open the door, I’m completely blown away seeing Marley standing at my door with an unreadable expression on her face.
“Hi, Ben. I’m so glad you’re home. I was starting to worry you were gone when you didn’t answer the door after a few rings. Yesterday, I had the craziest thing happen to me, and I just had to see you. I’m a little freaked out over it, and I needed to see a friendly face. I don’t have a class on Monday, so this was a good weekend to get away. Listen to me rambling on. I didn’t even stop to think that you may have plans of your own this weekend. Is this a bad time?”
My mouth must be hanging open at the surprise of seeing Marley, here in the flesh, on my doorstep. “Of course it’s okay that you’re here. You’re always welcome in my home. Em would kick my ass if she thought I made you feel unwelcome.” A hint of shame hits me in the chest when I think about how rude I was to Marley when she was here helping take care of Em.
Relief washes over her face, and she smiles. “Can I come in, please.”
I stand back and pull the door open wide. “Shit, I’m sorry. Please come in.”
I reach out my hand to take Marley’s coat, as we enter the living room. She places her small bag on the floor next to the couch and sits down.
“So, what is going on, Marley?”
“Well, I had a date, well almost a date, last night.”
“Yeah, I heard,” I say, without much excitement.
“You heard. How did you hear? Mitch must have said something.”
“He mentioned it yesterday when we talked. So, if you went out last night, then why are you here with me? I figured you would be home dreaming of your next date with the good Professor.”
I note a hint of something not quite right in Marley’s voice when she answers me. “I, I, I-” Marley breaks down in sobs. Her tone is now somber, and she is visibly shaking. “I’m sitting here, shaking, thinking about what could have happened. I knew I should have canceled the date, but I didn’t listen to myself.”
“Woah, wait, slow down and back up. What the hell happened? You have my protective radar going all over the place.” All I can think is that I’m going to have to fly to Arkansas and beat the shit out of some asshole today. So help me God, he better not have laid an unwelcomed hand on her.
“Calm down, Ben. I’m okay, just a little shook up. He was just overly eager, you could say.”
“Explain now before I call the boys and have them kick some overly eager ass.”
“You will do nothing of the sort. I don’t want them involved. That is why you’re the friendly face I came to see and not them. He is a professor at the university and I don't want any of this going past us.”
“I’ll agree to nothing until I hear exactly what happened.” I feel my face heating with anger, anticipating what she is about to say. That man best not have hurt her or I will make him regret it.
“It started out fine. He brought me flowers, and I told him I would be right back. I went into the kitchen to get a vase out from under the sink. When I stood up and turned around, there he was with this look of lust in his eyes. He pushed me up against the counter and then put my hand on his dick. I shudder just thinking about it. I pushed him away and told him he needed to leave. He then basically said that me pushing my ass in the air caused him to do that. Shit, I didn’t even want him in my house. I told him I’d be right back and expected that he’d wait at the door. I wasn’t sticking my ass out for him. Hell, I didn’t even know he was behind me. You want to hear something funny?”
“I don’t see any humor in what you just told me, Marley.”
“The big baby took my vase and the flowers when he stomped out of my house.” Marley laughs, but I can tell it is just for show. She is really shaken up by this.
“Maybe you should file a restraining order on him.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary, Ben. He’s harmless, I’m sure. He did leave when I asked, albeit like a petulant child. I’m fine. I probably shouldn’t have come to you with this. I’m sorry.”
“Hell yes, you should have come to me. We’re friends, and I take care of my friends. You better promise me, when you get back home, if that man even so much as breathes in your air and makes you feel uncomfortable, you will call me. I will hop on the next plane and come and knock some sense into him. For a man with brains, he sure isn’t very intelligent.”
Marl
ey’s sweet, sincere and genuine laugh calms me down. “You are such a caveman, but thank you. Thank you for being my friend and thanks for caring.”
“That’s just it, Marley. I do care. More than I probably should. You have managed to work your way into my hardened shell and I kind of like it.” I’m flirting and probably crossing a line that I shouldn’t. I can’t help but feel that this is what Em wants to happen. I remember Em telling me that Marley had a difficult past and she sure hoped that one day she would find “her Benson.” At the time, I don’t think she literally meant me, but a man like me. I do think that once she became ill, she was hoping we would find our way to each other. “How about you share with me what you didn’t earlier when we were talking. I want to know what you meant when I said I’d keep you and you said I would give you back and then something about not having what it takes in the keep forever department.”
“It's kind of a depressing story. Are you sure you want to hear it? I will get emotional talking about it.”
“If it’s too painful then don’t, but I can say that talking has definitely helped me to heal from losing Em.”
“Let me start back at the beginning. You may not see it, but I’m considered a genius. When I was a little girl, I had a hard time relating to my peers. I preferred being around adults and older children. I loved to read, and I couldn’t get enough of numbers and math. I was fascinated with the human body and how it worked. My parents had a freak out thinking there was something wrong with me, so they took me to be tested. I remember being asked all kinds of stupid questions and having to do all sorts of things. I was at that developmental center all day long. About a month after the testing, my parents got the call that my results were in, and we had to go back. Well, it turns out that my IQ is 150. The doctor said that it’s because I am so smart that I had trouble relating to children my own age. He suggested that they homeschool me or have me skip a few grades in school. So, with the doctor’s recommendations, my parents met with the school, and I was moved up from the first to third grade. It was the second nine weeks of school. I was caught up with everything they were doing within a couple of weeks. Not to brag, but I was still bored. It was a hard line to cross because I was small and they were afraid to move me up again until I was older. When it was time to go into the seventh grade, I was already doing work on a high school level. Being from a small town, seventh through twelfth grade students were all in the same building, so that was when I was allowed to move at my own pace and take upper-level AP college classes at the local junior college as well. When I graduated high school, I was already going into my junior year and was ready to apply to the nursing program at the University of Cincinnati College of Nursing.”