Come Away With Me

by Sara MacDonald

  He heard an owl somewhere in the small wood beyond the house and it made him feel very alone. He heard Jenny running a bath as he slipped into sleep and felt relieved.

  He woke in the night from a frantic dream full of sneering, laughing faces that got bigger and bigger, and swooped towards him threatening to smother him in hysterical mirth.

  He sat bolt upright, sweat breaking out on his forehead. Outside the night seemed suffocating, intense and endless. He was afraid to go back to sleep in case the faces returned to haunt him.

  He got out of bed for a glass of water and saw there was a thin slit of light under Jenny’s door. He knocked lightly and Jenny called, ’Come in, Adam, I’m not asleep.’

  He opened the door and went in.

  She was sitting up, reading. ‘You can’t sleep either?’ She smiled at him. ‘I’m not surprised. I’m so, so sorry to put you through that, darling. I should have opened those photos alone.’

  ‘No, you shouldn’t. I wanted to be there. I’m glad I was. I just had a nightmare.’

  Jenny patted the bed. ‘Come and talk to me. Shall I make you a drink?’

  Adam shook his head.

  ‘Do you want to get your dressing gown? You’re going to get cold.’

  Adam hesitated. ‘Can I get in? I don’t want to be on my own, Jenny. I know the dream will come back. Can I stay with you?’

  He could feel his face flush. He knew he was far too old to be saying this, but it was true. Jenny hesitated, stared at him for a long moment, then without answering she turned over the duvet to the other side of the bed.

  Adam got into the warmth beside her and sighed. He burrowed into the pillow and closed his eyes. ‘I think I might sleep now.’

  ‘Good.’ Jenny bent towards him and gently pushed the hair from his hot face. ‘If the dream comes back I’m here, right beside you. Sleep now, sleep, my darling boy.’

  FIFTY-SIX

  When I woke, Adam was still beside me. He looked so young and vulnerable asleep. His long blond fringe hid his eyes and I had to stop myself reaching out to smooth it away from his face.

  I felt, as I lay there, a fierce joy in him. I wanted to protect him from all cruelties that lay in wait for him and I knew that I could not. I had not been able to protect Rosie and I couldn’t shield Adam from the world either. It made me sad. How close joy and sadness were. Like light and shade.

  I got out of bed quietly. I did not want him to wake beside me. I knew he would be embarrassed and confused. We both knew he was too old to get into my bed and yet, in all adolescent boys a child still hovered full of insecurities. I had seen it in my sisters’ children.

  I went into the kitchen to make tea. I wondered if living here with me and the weight of my sometimes crippling pain was affecting him. Yet I knew we were happy, Adam and I. I was sure of it in his broad smile as he caught sight of me from the train or came into the kitchen to watch me cook; in our walks; in just being together. Adam was so easy to love, so easy to be with.

  When I remembered our first meeting in Ruth’s house in Birmingham I realised, even before he knew who I was, that Adam and I had had an instant rapport.

  I carried my tea into the bathroom. Adam was still fast asleep. In the shower a cold little voice whispered, From the moment you first met him you gave him your undivided attention, you listened carefully to him. Ruth was too busy to give him that level of rapt attention and his school was failing him. You came along at exactly the right time…No. I closed my eyes against that inner voice. I loved Adam at first sight, as I did Tom.

  I wrapped the towel round me and stepped out. I was trembling with an intense emotion I didn’t quite understand. I needed Adam near me, with me, here. He was a part of Tom and so a part of me. While he was with me Tom’s face remained vivid, clear and alive.

  I did not want to return to my bedroom for my clothes and disturb him so I pulled my pyjamas on again and went back into the kitchen. Through the open bedroom door, I heard Adam get out of bed. ‘Hi there,’ I called. ’Like some tea?’

  Adam came to the kitchen door avoiding my eyes and mumbled, ‘Yes, please.’

  I made him a mug, carefully concentrating on the tea while I prattled to try to put him at his ease. Luckily, it was a Saturday. ‘What are you up to today? I’m going to make an enormous carrot cake to try and impress Flo, Danielle and Ruth. They’re coming here first, because Danielle and Flo want to look at the house.’ I handed him his tea.

  Adam sniffed and began to relax. ‘I think we’re going fishing. Harry and James and me,’ he said.

  ‘OK, honeychile. In that case I will make you bacon and egg, the wind out there looks vicious.’

  ‘It’s all right, Jenny, you don’t have to. You never eat bacon and egg.’

  ‘Ah, but I am wicked at making it, aren’t I?’

  Adam grinned at me. I grinned back. ‘Go and get dressed. It will be ready in two minutes.’

  Relief that everything was normal between us lit up his face. He turned and made for his bedroom.

  When he came back I sat down with my coffee while he ate. ‘Is James picking you up?’

  ‘I think so. I think he said he’d ring.’

  ‘He’ll probably ring any minute, then. Where are you fishing?’

  ‘Well, it depends on the weather.’ Adam looked over my head. ‘I don’t think we’ll be going out in the boat in this wind, so we might fish down below the ferry house.’

  ‘Will you make sure you’re back here by four when they arrive?’

  He looked up at me. ‘Oh. OK. I don’t think Mum would mind if I wasn’t.’

  I did. I said, choosing my words, ‘Probably not, but I think she would love it if you were waiting for her. I know I would.’

  He met my eyes and I said lightly, whisking away his empty plate, ’I want this weekend to be really happy, especially for Ruth, darling. She must miss you terribly.’

  I dropped the plate into the sink and turned to him, leaning against it. He was listening but wary. ‘I don’t know what plans Ruth has for you this weekend, but you will both want time to yourselves. She might want to go and have some peace with you in the cottage in Truro.’

  I stopped as Adam’s face fell. ‘But what about the party? I’ve asked Harry. I thought everyone would stay at Bea and James’.’

  ‘That’s tomorrow night. There’s tonight…’

  ‘I want to stay here. I want to stay here with you. You might need me.’ His voice was husky.

  I swallowed my hypocritical and treacherous joy. I went behind his chair and put my arms round his neck, my face against the top of his head. ’Adam, we have every day together. Your mother is only here until Sunday afternoon. It’s very important not to hurt her or make her feel I’ve in some way replaced her. It’s difficult enough for her. She agreed to you being away from her because she loves you. Now is the time for you to show how much you love her and how happy you are to see her. That’s only fair, isn’t it?’

  Adam was silent. Then he said, ‘Yes.’ He looked up at me. ‘I do love my mum, Jenny.’

  I kissed the top of his head and moved away. ‘I should jolly well hope so! Make sure she knows it too. Oh look, there’s Dad. Rush and get ready while I make him coffee.’

  Dad hugged me. ‘Coffee sounds great. Bea had me chatting at four in the morning over tea and toast; fun at the time, but I couldn’t really get back to sleep.’

  Adam appeared with his fishing gear and James said, ‘OK, let’s go and pick up Harry. He’s getting the train, he wasn’t dressed when I called. I take it you’d like Adam back before they all get here?’

  ‘Definitely. Adam’s got his orders. Have fun.’

  ‘’Bye, darling.’ James made for the front door in his vague fashion and I noticed he had developed an old man’s wide walk. Oh, Dad, don’t get old.

  Adam was following James out when he suddenly dashed back to me. ‘I will be back in time, I promise.’ Suddenly he reached up and kissed my cheek.

  ‘What was
that for, darling boy?’

  ‘I love my mum, but I love you too, Jenny.’ Then he was gone and the front door slammed behind him, and I was left in the stillness of the house.

  FIFTY-SEVEN

  Ruth, driving along the Saltings, saw a familiar figure outside Jenny’s house. He was carrying his fishing rod and his old green fishing bag was slung over his shoulder. She smiled and slowed behind him and called out.

  Adam turned and grinned when he saw it was Ruth. ‘Hi, Mum!’

  ‘Hi, Adam. Oh it’s so good to see you.’ She leapt out and hugged him as Jenny emerged from the house.

  Flo got out of the front seat stiffly. Long journeys were a bugger now. Danielle slid out of the car and kissed Jenny on both cheeks. ‘My God, each time we come by car I forget how far away it is.’

  James, who had been following Adam down the road with Harry, greeted everyone before he got into his car and drove back to Bea.

  ‘Just in time. Skin of teeth!’ Jenny hissed at him before he disappeared.

  Flo and Danielle were intrigued by the odd little house full of Jenny’s touches.

  ‘This is so you, Jen. I’d know it was you living here even if it were in the middle of the Sahara,’ Flo said.

  Danielle turned and gazed around with a professional eye. Everything was casually put together with Jenny’s effortless hand, with the natural instinctive flair for colour and texture she used in her designs. Relief flooded through her as she padded around, looking and touching. Pff! If Jenny can do this her imagination is not dead.

  ‘Come into the kitchen. I’ve got an old-fashioned tea all ready for you.’

  Jenny’s cake stood in the middle of the table. A work of art.

  ‘Oh, wow!’ Adam exclaimed.

  ‘My goodness,’ Flo said, laughing. ‘How spectacular! Tiny egg sandwiches too. What a welcome, Jen.’

  Danielle stared at the table, remembering the amazing cakes Jenny had made for Rosie’s two birthdays.

  Ruth became very still. This is all too perfect. Adam leading this charmed and magical existence without me. It is like life in a film. I am on the outside watching it all on a screen. I can’t compete with this.

  They sat round the table all talking at once. Ruth watched Adam helping Jenny get milk from the fridge, hand out the sandwiches. She tried with a great effort of will to blank out the furious, persistent and damaging little voice that threatened to drown out her joy in being with Adam again.

  She was bitterly jealous. She had never made Adam a cake in his life. Yet Adam sat down next to her, making sure she had something to eat, grinning at her contentedly, making it obvious he was glad to see her.

  Jenny leant over the table. ‘Ruth? You’re very quiet. Are you OK?’

  For God’s sake enjoy this precious weekend. Don’t spoil it.

  Ruth mentally shook herself and smiled. ‘Sorry, I’m fine. I’ll get my second wind in a bit.’

  ‘Jenny?’ Flo asked. ‘Did you manage to book a table somewhere to eat tonight? I don’t want Bea to have to cook.’

  ‘Yes, with difficulty. Bea thought it a dreadful luxury, but is secretly looking forward to it. I booked a table for eight o’clock.’

  She turned quickly to Ruth. ‘You probably have plans for the weekend. We don’t want to hijack you and Adam. Bea just wanted you to know that your old room is there if you didn’t want to go all the way back to Truro. Or, of course, you can stay here if you don’t mind a bunk bed.’

  Jenny’s voice was warm and considerate, so why did Ruth feel she was being reeled in? She turned to Adam, caught his anxious face and knew instantly that he wanted to stay in St Ives where the action was. She thought quickly. ‘A meal together tonight sounds great. Would it be OK if I stayed here with Adam tonight?’ She turned to Adam. ‘I’ve got to go and check out the cottage while I’m here, Adam. Maybe we could do that tomorrow? A friend of Peter’s wants to rent it for a while.’

  Relief made Adam expansive. ‘Of course, Mum. We’ll go in the morning. We’ll open windows and stuff.’

  Danielle had wandered away and found herself at the other side of the kitchen in a rudimentary conservatory. It was here she found Jenny’s first tentative designs. She was examining them when Jenny flew in, flushed. ‘Danielle! I didn’t want you or anyone to see these. I’m just fiddling about trying things out for my own amusement. Please don’t look.’

  ‘Jenee, if you are doing these for your own amusement, please will you do some for my amusement? They are very good. Believe me.’

  Jenny seemed genuinely surprised. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Well, I am a designer and I have worked with you for a long time. Trust me! I had lunch with Antonio last week.

  He still wants us to go in with him. He still wants to market your designs in Italy.’

  ‘Danielle…’

  ‘Listen. Antonio knows the situation. He knows you are taking time out but please may I take a few of these drawings to show him? It does not commit you to anything but it does show you have not lost your touch.’

  Jenny shook her head. ‘I’m not ready. It’s too soon. Antonio will take your designs, you can adapt to meet his needs.’

  ‘I cannot compromise my work, Jenny. We are very different designers, which is why our partnership works. Antonio wants your work, not mine. I am so reluctant to take on another designer…’ Danielle saw Jenny’s face and closed her eyes. ‘Sorry, I am doing what I promised Antonio I would not do. I am putting pressure on you. Forget it, darling.’ She smiled. ‘I felt so excited when I walk in here and see you are working again. It blew me away.’

  Jenny saw how tired Danielle looked. So did Flo and Ruth. They were all responsible for keeping the business afloat because she had decided to opt out. ‘You’ve always wanted to work with Antonio, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes. It is the way forward for us. I am sure of this.’

  ‘I’ll think about what you said. Just think. OK?’

  ‘I will not say another word. Thank you. Thank you.’ She kissed Jenny on both cheeks gleefully and lowered her voice. ‘Is everything all right in there with Adam and Ruth?’

  Jenny nodded. ‘Yes, we’ve got it organised. Ruth is staying here tonight and I’ll sleep at home so Ruth can have Adam to herself.’

  ‘Great!’ Danielle linked arms. ‘We can get drunk together and gossip like the old days. We had better get to St Ives and settle Flo in. She might need a sleep. Her arthritis is getting bad. The stairs are not helping.’

  ‘I noticed as she got out of the car. I might elicit James to help persuade her to see someone.’

  ‘She will never retire. She would die.’

  ‘I know, but we are always going to be around to look after her.’

  A full moon hung dramatically over the sea as they all ate together looking out on the harbour. Ruth began to relax. Adam was happy. She loved her job. What had she been fussing about, for heaven’s sake? Life was good.

  Back in Jenny’s house Ruth revelled in having Adam to herself. He chatted about school and Harry. He told her about the teachers and his music. He seemed more confident and obviously had no trouble making friends. He also talked about Bea and James fondly, but he seemed oddly careful what he said about Jenny.

  When Ruth asked him if it was all working out, living here in this small house with Jenny, he said quickly, ‘Everything’s cool. You know it is, Mum, or I’d have told you. How about you? Are you OK in London?’

  Ruth laughed. ‘Apart from missing you, I love it.’

  ‘Yeah, but I have to work really hard during the week. I have tons of homework and music practice. We’d probably never have time to talk to each other because you work late too. Anyway, tons of kids are at boarding school at my age, so think of it like that.’

  He grinned at her and Ruth said, ‘Oh so rational and clever we have become at public school!’

  Adam looked at her quickly, wondering if he heard something in her voice, but he saw that she was laughing and he relaxed.

&nb
sp; Adam had had a broken night and was exhausted. He fell straight into bed without even cleaning his teeth. Ruth wandered around the house. She had been worrying about nothing. She hummed softly in the dark and hearing the seabirds, she shivered as the ghosts of her childhood revisited her.

  Were they dead or alive, those impostors of parents? Did they ever find happiness? In old age did they lose their terror of not conforming to some distorted image of respectability? She would never know and it was better not to think about them.

  She went and watched Adam sleeping. The light from the hallway shone into his room. Ruth was exhausted but did not want to go to bed.

  Just the two of us. Like it used to be. She longed suddenly to go back to the small close world of his babyhood. Then she remembered that she had never truly been alone with Adam. Her aunt had predominated in his first years. She had worked. She had always worked. Then Peter had come along. It was a myth she had made in her head that she had ever had Adam completely to herself for any length of time.

  Adam was happier and more settled at school than he had ever been. He loved his life here in Cornwall. He had been truly pleased to see her and in time he would enjoy his holidays in London with her too. What more could she ask of life than that her child was healthy, secure and happy?

  Nothing, she said to the moon as she climbed into Jenny’s bed. Nothing at all.

  FIFTY-EIGHT

  The next morning Danielle and Jenny walked down into St Ives to shop and look around the myriad small galleries.