Come Away With Me

by Sara MacDonald

  He laughed. ‘I’m sure you can, but why don’t you make one of your staff a foreman of the works or manager? A Flo, in other words. Are you coming in for coffee?’

  ‘Certainly not! I’m going home to practise being ruthless and frightening.’

  James kissed me on the nose. ‘I love you, daughter of mine.’

  I looked at him suspiciously. Flo and Bea were as thick as thieves and I suspected conspiracy.

  SEVENTY-THREE

  Adam and I caught the train up to Paddington on the Friday of his half-term. I carried a leather folder of designs. Adam had brought some school work. We spread out our papers and books, and grinned at one another. Adam had never travelled first class before and took great delight in the free coffee and biscuits.

  I watched him staring out of the window and knew his childlike excitement in small things would be uncool soon.

  Adam had started the coursework for his GCSE exams, but this did not mean he could ease up on his music. There was pressure in being a scholarship boy and as his academic work increased, he seemed to have frightening amounts of homework and music practice.

  After Christmas I had capitulated and bought a small flat television and a DVD player. Adam was very proud of the trendy television and it had caused much envy with Harry. His mother rang me and told me she was cursing me.

  I had always hated the wet Cornish winters and we rushed around lighting fires, closing the curtains and settling down to watch programmes together.

  We were strict during the week, but it was fun choosing DVDs at weekends. I wouldn’t sit through horror. Adam wouldn’t sit through ’girlie-stuff’, but we managed to compromise with thrillers.

  The night before we left for London I had been tense and anxious. The days had been relentlessly overcast and depressing. Adam had come back from school tired and soaked. I lit the fire although it was May, just to cheer us up.

  Adam changed and dropped his wet school clothes in a heap, thanking God dramatically that it was half-term. I toasted crumpets and we sat in the kitchen listening to the wind drive the rain against the windows and letting butter drip off our chins.

  Suddenly he said, ‘I want everything to stay the same. I don’t want to live anywhere else. I don’t want this to end.’

  I stared at him, startled. He sounded like an echo of me. ‘Why on earth do you think it’s all going to end, silly boy?’

  ‘Because you’re working again. Because you’re going up to London and you haven’t been back for ages and Harry’s mum says that you are too talented to stay down here much longer.’

  I smiled at his stricken face. ‘Adam, I need to show everyone that I can work efficiently from here. To do that I have to be willing to travel up to London occasionally, not expect everyone to travel down to me. That’s all. I promise.’

  He grinned. ‘Honest?’

  ‘Honest.’

  I lay sleepless that night. I played the childish game of pretending I had been to London and was now safely home, like some obsessive agoraphobic. I lit a night light and put it under my incense burner, and poured in lavender hoping it would help.

  I think I knew Adam would come to my room and he did. He hesitated when he saw the burner.

  ‘I’m not asleep,’ I whispered.

  ‘Can I get into bed and talk, Jenny? I can’t sleep.’

  ‘Yes. I can’t sleep either.’

  He got in beside me. The wind outside blew in great gusts, the rain sounding like pebbles against the glass. I shivered and moved under the covers.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Adam asked.

  ‘I’m anxious because I don’t know how I’m going to feel tomorrow, going back into my house.’

  He leant on his elbow peering at me.

  ‘I’m afraid of testing myself after…my breakdown. I want to stay safely here in our odd little hut of a place. I’m a bit of a coward.’

  ‘No, you’re not. I want to stay here too, Jenny, and I’ve only lost someone I never knew.’

  I smiled and turned to his face in the candlelight. ‘Well, aren’t we a couple of big girls’ blouses?’

  He grinned. ‘Yeah.’

  After a second he said, ‘I’ll be with you, if you want, when you put your Tom and Rosie to rest.’

  Tears came to my eyes. ‘Thank you, darling. I purposely picked a time when we could go up together, but saying goodbye is something I have to face on my own.’ I stared at his sweet Tom-like face on the other pillow. ‘Adam, I hope living with me isn’t making you sad or melancholy. I hope I’m not weighing you down. I know why I’m afraid of rejoining the world, but are you afraid of anything in particular? Is something worrying you?’

  He looked away. ‘I’m not sad. You don’t weigh me down. I’m really happy. Like I said, I don’t ever want us and this house to stop being…’

  I said softly, ‘You feel like this now, but everything changes with time—life, our feelings, what we want. We’re both happy here together because it’s happened at a certain time in our lives. But you’re going to grow up and go away and live your life, and that’s how it must be.’

  I reached for his hand and it curled tightly round mine. His voice was thick. ‘I can’t imagine being without you. When I think about it a hole opens up and I get really scared, Jenny.’

  ‘Wherever you are in the world, no matter how old I am or how old you are, Adam, you will stay near my heart, here.’ I placed our hands against my chest. ‘That, I promise you, will never change.’

  Adam closed his eyes tight as if to squeeze away tears. I stroked the hand I was holding with my thumb. The night light fluttered and went out, and a wave of lavender hung in the dark.

  As if the darkness gave him courage, Adam began to talk, so quietly that I had to bend to hear him. ‘My Auntie Violet looked after me when I was little. She used to meet me from school every day. Mum was studying on the mainland. I loved living on that island. The fishermen used to take me out on the boats.’ He smiled, remembering. ‘I missed Mum, but I loved Auntie Violet. She always had time to listen. She always laid tea out for when I got home. Then we moved to the mainland so Mum could work and it was OK, I knew some of the boys at the new school in Glasgow. I was old enough to walk home on my own from school by then but Auntie Vi was always there when I got home. One day she wasn’t waiting by the window. I found her lying on the floor and I had to call 999…’ Adam’s face relived the awful day. ‘I thought she was dead, but she wasn’t. Not quite. She’d had a stroke and she couldn’t move or say anything. She never came back from the hospital. She died.’ I heard the break in his voice. ‘She died and left me, and I never felt so safe ever again. No one ever asked me things or listened to me like her. She made me feel real.’

  I kept very still as the words poured out of him.

  ‘When Mum married Peter I was glad. I liked him. I didn’t like different men coming to the house to take her out. Then we moved again to Birmingham and it was a crap school and I hated it. I used to count the hours until I could go home and when I went home there was no one there. For the first time, even though I was old enough by then, I dreaded the silence in the house, like, it made my thoughts scary. I could hear the taunts in my head in Birmingham accents, like they were all in the house with me.’

  Adam let go of my hand and turned and brought his knees up, moving to keep warm. His voice was husky with tiredness. ‘Then you came. From the first day I met you, you talked to me. I felt weird, as if I knew you already. Then I came to live with you and it’s like…like…’

  ‘Coming home safe?’ I breathed the words, they were etched so deep within me.

  ‘Coming home safe,’ Adam whispered. ‘Yes. I see the light through the trees as the train comes in and I feel so happy because you are in the house, waiting.’

  ‘Nothing is going to happen to me, darling.’

  ‘The people you love most die.’

  I said quietly, ‘We can’t live our whole lives afraid of losing the people we love or we miss the moments
when we’re all together. Losing your Auntie Vi when you were so young was terrible for you because she had been such an important part of your life. I’m sure you worry about Ruth too. It’s normal to be anxious about people close to us. Go to sleep now, you’re exhausted.’

  Adam closed his eyes, then said in a rush, ‘But I don’t love you like I loved Auntie Vi or like I love my mum. I love you…’

  ‘Like a sort of best friend?’ I whispered quickly.

  Adam opened his eyes. ‘I love you because you’re Jenny.

  I’ll always love you. Always.’ His voice was vehement. His striking blue eyes gazed at me anxiously and I leant forward and wrapped my arms round him, and we rocked gently in the dark.

  ‘I don’t want this ever to end,’ he whispered. ‘I so love being here with you.’

  I held him and said, ‘But you know it must end, darling boy, you know it must. It’s wrong.’

  ‘It doesn’t feel wrong…’

  ‘No, but it is and it has to stop. You know this.’ He hesitated. ’Adam, there is nothing dishonourable here between us, but if anyone knew it could be misconstrued and turned into something wicked and evil that would have terrible repercussions. Do you understand?’ I asked gently.

  He nodded. ‘Yes.’ He burrowed down close to me. ‘Just one more night?’

  ‘Just one more night, darling boy.’

  I tucked the covers round him, turned away from him and he slept almost immediately. How I would miss the warmth of this boy.

  SEVENTY-FOUR

  Ruth thought how pale Jenny looked when she arrived at the house with Adam. Like a small ghost revisiting her life.

  The girls all came streaming down the stairs from the machine room in great excitement and Jenny vanished up to the top of the house, smiling and obviously touched.

  Ruth hugged Adam and missed having her own house, her own kitchen where they could have disappeared together. Adam stood awkwardly in the kitchen as she made tea and Ruth checked herself from making nervous small talk to him.

  Laughter came from up the stairs and Ruth felt as she had many times in her life: that she was hovering on the outside of a lighted room.

  Flo came downstairs with Jenny and produced a cake for Adam with a flourish. ‘Just to prove we can do cake in London too!’

  Jenny shakily wandered around the kitchen touching things and peering at notices. She looked out of the window and down into the back garden. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Someone’s gardening down there.’

  Flo said. ‘It’s Will. He comes in once a week. We had to do something, Jen. The garden had become a jungle and was depressing to look at.’

  It had been ages before either Flo or Danielle had felt like going into the garden again. It seemed so much Tom and Rosie’s province and their ghosts hovered. Jenny, looking down at the neglected garden, heard Tom’s voice: Look at the state of that grass! I’d better get down there first thing in the morning. That hedge needs pruning. Come on, Rosie. You sand pit, me clipping hedge. Up you come, into the garden with your old dad…

  ‘Good,’ she said, turning away. ‘Tom would have had a fit about the state of the lawn. Now, what can I do? Put me to work while I’m here.’

  ‘Danielle should be back about five. She’s gone to do a fitting with Marie. We thought we’d go through the Italian orders with you tomorrow, Jen, so just relax.’

  Ruth picked up her car keys. ‘Adam, I’ve got to do some shopping for tonight.’ She smiled at Jenny. ‘Flo’s done a huge lasagne, so I just need to pick up salad and things.’ She turned to Adam. ‘We can go to PC World, if you like, and get that software you were after.’

  Adam perked up. ‘Cool. OK.’

  As he followed Ruth out of the kitchen he turned and looked at Jenny anxiously.

  I’m fine, she mouthed.

  ‘Jen,’ Flo said, ‘come upstairs and chat. I need to check on a couple of orders and make a telephone call.’

  Jenny laughed. ‘I can be alone down here, you know. I’d like to be, honestly. I need to see to the things in my bedroom, go through my wardrobe, you know, get to grips. An hour on my own will be good.’

  Flo looked at her. ‘All right, lovey, if you’re sure. Then it will be time for a drink.’

  ‘Then it will definitely be time for a drink!’

  When Danielle came through the front door she could smell Jenny’s light distinctive scent. Mahler was playing softly. She did not call out as she climbed the stairs but went to the door of Jenny and Tom’s room. The bed was full of piles of clothes and the windows were thrown open. The curtains were in a heap on the floor for cleaning. The wardrobes stood wide and Jenny had her face bent to Tom’s dress uniform hanging inside, boots and spurs standing dusty beneath.

  Danielle hesitated, about to turn away, when Jenny looked up. She straightened and smiled. ‘I was just seeing if they still smelt of Tom, but they don’t. Everything smells of worn clothes. The room smelt like a charity shop when I opened the wardrobe. Horrid.’

  They kissed four times in the middle of the room.

  ‘Should you be doing this on your own?’

  Jenny nodded. ‘Yes, Elle. It should have been done after Tom died.’ She looked around. ‘This is just an empty room that’s being wasted. Neither Tom nor I are here any more. This room should be redecorated and changed round and used, don’t you think? It’s such a lovely room.’

  ‘But, Jen.’ Danielle tried to hide her dismay. ‘Redecorate, sure. But it is your room, it always has been. It must be here for you when you come home.’

  Jenny shook her head. ‘No. It’s time Rosie’s room was redecorated too, but I’ll sleep there tonight, once more.’

  She looked up as Flo came into the room. ‘Is that wise?’

  ‘It’s what I want to do. Come on, let’s have a drink and I’ll tell you what I’ve been thinking.’

  They poured glasses of cold white wine, then Jenny led them back to her room. ‘Danielle, you must miss having your own space, sharing your flat with Ruth?’

  ‘It is fine, darling. Most of our time is up here, with Flo.’

  ‘What about your privacy?’

  Danielle laughed. ‘You are asking me if it is difficult to bring my boyfriends back!’

  ‘Yes. I thought that Ruth could have this room as a bedsitting room and Adam could have Rosie’s bedroom when he’s here. When I come I can sleep in your flat, Danielle. Don’t you think it’s a good idea, Flo? Danielle can have her privacy, but so can Ruth. Or would they be too on top of you!’

  Flo shook her head. ‘Of course not. I suppose it’s a good idea.’ She sounded doubtful. ‘I imagine Ruth does miss having somewhere of her own, but I really think you should sleep on this, just to be sure it’s what you want.’

  ‘If it makes you both happier I won’t say anything until tomorrow.’

  They went back into the kitchen and sat gossiping about work.

  ‘This is like old times,’ Danielle said happily. ‘It is so good to have you here. It is not the same, Jen. It is not the same without you. We start everything, you and I, from that ‘orrible basement, did we not?’

  ‘We did! God, it seems a long time ago. I will try to come up more often from now on, I promise. I miss you two, you know.’

  Jenny knew they were shocked about her decision to give up her lovely big room, which had once been the heart of the house. They feared what that decision meant. She was going to try to explain when they heard Ruth’s key in the lock and they lifted their glasses in a silent toast to one another.

  ‘We are very lucky to have Ruth,’ Flo said guiltily, sensing immediately the exclusive tableau they made. She was slowly getting to know Ruth’s insecurities.

  ‘Yes. If we cannot have you, darling Jen, Ruth is the nextbest thing.’

  Jenny laughed. ‘You know perfectly well that Ruth’s business sense is an absolute godsend after me.’ Her voice faltered. ‘It was too perfect to last, wasn’t it, the life that we all had together.’

  They turned to g
reet Ruth and Adam as they came into the kitchen.

  In the morning I would find boxes to place all Rosie’s things in, but tonight I slept in her small narrow bed and let the memories come for the last time. Memories of Rosie were all happy. Sometimes, in Cornwall, I panicked when I could no longer quite recapture her laugh. Sometimes my heart thumped when Tom’s face refused to crystallise exactly as I wanted it to, but I only had to go outside my bedroom and gaze at all the photographs Adam and I had put together and there they were, both with me again as clear as if it were yesterday.

  The essence of Tom had disappeared from our room and it was the same here in Rosie’s pretty baby bedroom. She was gone. They were gone. I could never recapture them. Leaving their rooms as they were would be a mirage with nothing real or tangible for me to hold on to.

  I got up in the dark, fetched the boxes from the landing, closed the door and quietly packed up her room instead of sleeping. I held each toy and soft object before I placed it in the box. I looked at the beautiful doll’s house and thought of Tom’s parents faraway in Singapore. I would get it professionally packed and I would send it to a children’s hospital. I would give the girls upstairs the box of Rosie’s toys to go through and the rest could go to Great Ormond Street. Everything except Danielle’s doll.

  I took down pictures and lifted mobiles from the window. Then I made tea and got back into her bed and slept for a little. When I woke it was just a room with picture marks on the wall. I got dressed and took down the curtains. It was just a room. Yet I suddenly, childishly, thought, Rosie and Tom will have no place to come back to now. As if their spirits, in that violent death, were wandering the earth for peace, only to return here at night to rest.

  I ran down the stairs and out of the house. I wanted to be in the park. I wanted to stop my thoughts from gathering and collecting in a dark mass. Fear drummed at my temples. I could never entirely trust my rational mind again. I longed to be home in Cornwall, watching the sun come up and listening to the curlews at the beginning of a new day.