Knowing You

by Samantha Tonge

  We look at each other. The sign of a great friend is that you can read their mind and I know exactly what he is thinking.

  The same as me.

  Chapter 24

  Bella would have been impressed if she’d been home an hour ago when I got back. She must have spent the night sleeping over at her new boyfriend’s, whereas I left Casey to wake up alone. I wasn’t going to. I wanted to stay in bed and relish every second I spent in his arms. But I’d finally woken up, bleary eyed, around nine o’clock and gone to the bathroom. Fate did me a favour. The dirty linen basket was in there. A pair of Casey’s socks lay scrunched on the floor. Without even thinking, I bent over to tidy them away. But when I lifted the basket’s lid, all I saw in the bottom was a pair of pink lace knickers.

  I lifted them out. The label said Victoria’s Secret. I thought back to the Facebook message I’d read between Lenny and Beatrix.

  Quickly I got dressed and called a taxi. I left Casey’s invitation from Felicity on my side of the bed and scrawled a note on the envelope saying I forgot to give it to him last night. I thanked him for a great evening.

  I thought we’d had something special. I was wrong. Thank goodness I hadn’t let on to him about what I was starting to feel.

  I curl my fists, fighting the tears. I won’t ever put myself in a position to be made a fool of again. I sit on the sofa and hold my head in my hands. Just one week to go to the party. I can’t back away from Casey right now. I still want him to sign with Thoth for the book and Felicity’s sakes. Even though things are going to be awkward now between us.

  I drag my hands away from my eyes and notice a piece of paper on the coffee table. Someone else has been leaving notes. I lean forward and pick it up.

  Dear Violet,

  I had to use the spare key to come in last night. I hope you don’t mind, but a neighbour was complaining that Flossie was caterwauling. If you remember last time that happened, she’d got locked in your bedroom. I assumed Bella was out. I think Flossie was upset because the litter tray wasn’t in its usual place. I found it on the kitchen unit, empty and next to a bag of litter. I filled it and put it on the floor. She was bursting.

  Love from

  Kath x

  Poor Flossie. I’d just cleaned out the litter tray and meant to put it down before I left. I look around. Eventually I find her curled up on Bella’s bed. I crouch down and tickle her ears.

  ‘Sorry girl. Really sorry. It won’t happen again.’

  She stretches and pats my arm with one paw. That’s her signal that I’m allowed to give her belly a rub. I run my hand across her stomach and her purr intensifies.

  Eventually I pad back into the lounge and study the note again – and the scrawled kiss. I toss it back down and decide to curl up and go back to sleep when I notice a piece of white material on the floor. I bend over and scoop it up. It’s a handkerchief with a K embroidered into the corner surrounded by flowers.

  Kath used to embroider before her hands became stiff. She’s often talked of night shifts where instead of going to the canteen, she’d sit with patients in intensive care and talk to them even when they couldn’t hear. Her embroidery filled in the gaps that should have been full of their words. She’d work on handkerchiefs with the initial of their first name in the corner. When they recovered, it provided the perfect personal gift.

  I sigh. If I don’t return it, Kath will only come back, probably at a most inopportune moment when I’m in the middle of a facial or waxing. And I should really say thank you for sorting the cat. I don’t need to discard my manners just because we aren’t seeing as much of each other. Reluctantly, I get to my feet and tie my hair back. I slip into my trainers without bothering to wash or apply make-up – or rather, remove last night’s. Normally I’m scrupulous about that. At least I’m wearing my new jogging suit, the one just like Bella’s. I put on a fleece as well. My body misses the natural insulation I used to carry around.

  I think back to how warm I felt last night, snuggled up to Casey before it all went wrong. I try not to think about Beatrix and what I found in his bathroom.

  Trying not to think of them together, I take the stairs up to Kath’s floor even though I’m shattered. I can’t remember the last time I used a lift at work. That’s one of Bella’s tips on how to fit extra exercise into your day without putting in too much effort.

  I knock at Kath’s door and wait. She always takes time to answer. Eventually it opens.

  ‘Here’s your handkerchief. I found it on the floor.’

  Kath doesn’t act surprised and for a second I wonder if she left it there on purpose.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say and give a tentative smile. ‘I don’t know how Flossie would have coped without you.’

  Sometimes I miss the chats we used to have. The coffee and cake sessions that have petered out. I wonder how she’s managing to apply her shoulder cream.

  Kath opens her mouth but then shuts it and stares. Her arms stretch out and she leans forward. They slip around my neck. What’s this about? She squeezes tightly before stepping back.

  Kath’s crying? Why? I’ve never seen her do that. Not even when her nephew threatened to evict her or when her arthritis was particularly bad last winter. She motions for me to come in and we sit down on her compact green sofa.

  ‘Sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me,’ she says and blows her nose into the handkerchief.

  ‘What’s the matter? Is it Norm? Has he tried to up your rent again?’

  She shakes her head.

  ‘Is… is everyone at Sunflower okay?’ What if it’s one of the friends I made feel old and unnecessary? Nora is getting on in years. Perhaps I really upset her. My chest tightens.

  ‘It’s just… I’m always here, you know – to talk to. I won’t judge. I can help. When you’re ready, Violet. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise things had gone so far. I knew something was up. I shouldn’t have just stood by and let it get worse.’

  What is she talking about?

  Kath takes a deep breath. ‘I know about Bella.’

  Heat floods into my face. ‘Know what? Have you been snooping around my flat?’

  ‘No, of course not. But I couldn’t find Flossie after she’d done her business. I wanted to double check that she was nicely settled before I left. I found her in Bella’s room. I couldn’t help but see—’

  ‘See what? Bella’s got nothing to hide.’

  ‘All this time you’ve kept it secret. I can’t imagine how much you’ve suffered.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’ My hands feel sweaty. She can’t know the truth. ‘Me and Bella get on fine.’

  Kath touches my arm but I pull away.

  ‘You need to get rid of her, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘It’s the only way. You must know that. She’s bad for you. Let me help. I’ll—’

  No. No. This was Mum and Flint all over again. Someone else thinking they knew best when all they’re doing is looking in from the outside. Mum didn’t really know Flint and Kath doesn’t know Bella. How she’s the reason I get through each day. Without her, I’d still be wading through the swamp of self-pity I ended up in after I found out about Lenny and Beatrix.

  ‘It’s none of your business,’ I say in a raised voice and get to my feet. ‘There is no need for you to worry. Just leave me and Bella alone. She’s a good friend and I won’t have anyone tell me otherwise.’

  ‘She’s a friend? Really?’ Kath stands up and stares me straight in the face. ‘Because I don’t agree. I can see her exactly for what she is. Her room and its contents told me everything I need to know. And I know that’s hard for you to hear, but she’s dangerous. Enough is enough, Violet. Can’t you see how she’s running and ruining your life? Let go of this parasite before it ends in the worst possible way.’

  ‘That’s not true. I don’t want to hear any more of your false accusations. You don’t know her like I do.’

  I hurry out of the flat, ignoring Kath’s calls. I descend the stairs two at a time
and rush out into the garden. I start running, slowly at first. I cross roads and swerve around bins and people. My pace becomes quicker. It starts to rain. I hardly feel it.

  Chapter 25

  It’s Sunday lunch time. I sit in the Canterbury Tales. The landlord I met at the Chapter Battle recognises me and jokes about why a woman of my class would waste her time with a scoundrel like Casey. I take out my phone and look at Vintage Views. The latest review is one by Nora about a gay romance. Pauline’s before that focuses on a top ten thriller. They are gaining followers, some influential, and by the looks of it, quickly learning how to best use hashtags.

  Gay romance. See, your friends aren’t outdated or old.

  I ignore the voice in my head that dares to disagree with Bella and I sip my sparkling water. Casey texted and suggested meeting for lunch. He’s the kind of man who appreciates transparency, so I’ve decided to ask him outright about Beatrix’s underwear. I start to read Nora’s review when the table rocks. Casey steadies the scratched surface and puts down his pint.

  ‘Sorry I’m a bit late. I overslept,’ he explains and sits down.

  Was he with Beatrix again?

  ‘Vi?’

  ‘What? Oh, no problem. I haven’t been here long.’

  ‘Everything okay? Why did you rush off yesterday despite my irresistible offer of pancakes and cherries?’ His hand covers mine. ‘After fainting like that, I was worried when you didn’t reply to my texts until late last night.’

  ‘Sorry. I was still recovering. It must have been the heat and too much drink.’ Keeping my tone light, I raise my glass. ‘I’m still rehydrating.’

  Casey studies my face. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing. Look, let’s order and—’

  He puts the menu on the table next to ours. ‘I’m serious. Friday night… it was…’ He shook his head. ‘There’s no other words. Vi, it was fucking fantastic. I can’t stop thinking about it.’

  I almost cry. Lenny shredded our love story and left it in bits. Yet here I am now, feeling like this, part of something new that feels as if it could really be worth something.

  But I can’t let my emotions interfere with the plan that’s almost fully executed.

  ‘It was a difficult day. I fell out with my neighbour.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘Oh, this and that…’

  Casey takes a mouthful from his pint. He knows I’m holding back. I can’t bear to see him hurt.

  ‘She doesn’t approve of my flatmate, Bella.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Since she’s moved in, I’ve kind of overhauled my lifestyle.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘I got fit. Bought a new wardrobe. Just had a refresh but Kath doesn’t like change. She misunderstands things that she thinks she knows about Bella. It’s complicated. She even called her a parasite.’

  A shiver runs down my spine as I recall how angry Bella was this morning when she came home, and I let slip that Kath had been in her room. It all came tumbling out of my mouth – what Kath had discovered in there. How she didn’t approve of my new flatmate. I’d never heard Bella shout before.

  ‘Don’t you ever forget what a pathetic creature you were before being friends with me.’ Bella’s chest heaved and her ponytail cut through the air violently. ‘Don’t you remember? You let Lenny walk all over your self-esteem. What happened was no surprise. You were hardly competition for someone like Beatrix.’

  I curled myself into a ball on the sofa. ‘Bella. Please,’ I said in a small voice. ‘I’m sorry. I hate to see you upset. I stuck up for you. You’ve got to believe me.’

  She pursed her lips. ‘I’ve made you what you are today. And how do you repay me? By talking about me to other people?’

  ‘It wasn’t like that.’ My voice wavered. ‘You must know how much I respect you.’

  Finally her frown disappeared. She sat down next to me. We’d hugged and once more my world felt all right.

  Bella was right to remind me that before meeting her, I was a nobody.

  She’s turned my life around.

  I mustn’t ever forget that.

  ‘What did you used to look like?’ Casey pushes his pint away and leans forwards.

  I give a nervous laugh. ‘Let’s just say not quite as on trend.’

  ‘Is that so important?’

  ‘Clearly you follow fashions, so you don’t need to ask me.’

  He looked genuinely puzzled and gazes down at his Hawaiian T-shirt, which somehow looks cool with his leather jacket. ‘No I don’t. I just buy what I like.’

  ‘Then you must be blessed with an innate sense of style. Anyway, enough about Kath. Have you thought about Felicity’s invitation?’

  ‘Yes, and I’d love to. I’ve heard about the Anubis and it’s supposed to be an eye-popping venue. But until I’ve signed a deal, I don’t think it’s appropriate. It sends out the wrong message to the other publishers. I’ll email Felicity on Monday.’ He reaches for the menu and passes it to me. ‘I don’t need to look. Roast with all the trimmings for me.’

  Keep your head. I look at my watch in the way men have sometimes done whilst talking to me in the past.

  ‘Somewhere else to be?’ he says and smiles.

  And that’s why I like Casey. Straight to the point. He deserves the same in return.

  ‘I could ask you the same. What happened with Beatrix the other night?’ I tell him that I almost bumped into her after leaving. I mention the underwear. Make up a story about how I’d seen her once shopping in Victoria’s Secret.

  ‘You think I’ve slept with her?’

  ‘I’m just protecting my feelings. You can understand that.’

  ‘You’ve been hurt in the past?’

  ‘Haven’t we all?’

  ‘Nothing happened, Vi. Oh, she tried it on.’ He covers his face with one hand and shakes his head.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m a gentleman. I shouldn’t really say.’

  I don’t reply and finish my drink, acting as if I’m about to get to my feet.

  ‘We’re not teenagers, Casey. I’m not interested in playing games.’

  He removes his fingers. ‘Look, okay. She asked to use the bathroom and when she came out had stripped to her underwear. It was like something out of a B movie. She’s got guts, I’ll give her that. I didn’t know where to look. I told her to stop but she slipped out of those pants and threw them behind her. For once I was speechless.’

  Me too.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong. I find lots to admire in naked women. But it felt downright sleazy. Ambition can take people to strange places. I was good friends with a male hairdresser once. Or so I thought. He’d pop into the salon for a chat. Over time I worked out he had been trying to poach my customers. My feelings had been worth nothing. His goals had made him so blinkered.’

  I grimaced.

  ‘And as people, Beatrix and I have nothing in common. When she first arrived she made a point of saying that my lounge was only slightly bigger than her shoe closet and a deal with Alpaca would mean I could buy a proper place to live. Beatrix is all about labels and one-upmanship, which couldn’t be further from where I’m at.’ He kisses my fingers. ‘It’s the emotional connection that interests me.’

  I truly believe that after reading Alien Hearts.

  ‘Why did her pants end up in the dirty linen bin?’

  ‘She left them behind and I didn’t know what to do with them.’ He grimaces. ‘Out of sight out of mind.’

  They didn’t sleep together. Mostly, it’s a relief for my heart, but also for my head.

  Casey is curious about my flatmate. I tell him about her spa job and her exercise and juicing tips. Briefly we fight over the bill. I win so he insists on taking me to the cinema during the week.

  I hesitate because I can tell he is keen. It’s hard, trying to manipulate. It’s not something I’m used to – partly because I’ve never had the necessary tools before.

  I stand up. ‘Lu
nch has been great. Thanks for the cinema invitation, but I’ll have to say no. I’ve got a full-on week ahead at the office with preparations for next Saturday. I’ve got goody bags to fill and Irfan and I are working on a presentation. In fact, that reminds me to check the projector. I also need to check in with the interns who are decorating the room side by side with the hotel. Most nights I’m going to have to work late.’

  We head outside.

  ‘So when will I see you again?’

  Tonight. Please. Us skin to skin.

  ‘Perhaps next week. I’ll be too tired Sunday after the celebrations. It’s going to be champagne on tap and a jazz band has been hired. We’ll be dancing until midnight.’ I reach up to kiss him on the cheek but Casey turns and my eyes close as our mouths meet. Despite all my resolutions, it’s impossible to resist.

  Eventually his lips brush my neck. Sultry air warms my ear as he speaks in a husky voice.

  ‘Then I guess the only way I’m going to see enough of you is to come to this party – as your very own personal guest. I guess it can’t harm. No promises on the book front, though…’

  A heady sense of power infuses me.

  Holding hands, we hurry back to his flat.

  Bella says I don’t need anyone.

  But it’s lonely trying to be perfect.

  2001

  Flint meets me out back at ten o’clock in the morning. It’s two weeks after we first met Tim. Even though it’s nearly the end of November, the sun is out so Mum doesn’t mind me playing in the garden. Her Sunday mornings are always spent in the lounge listening to church music on the radio and ironing. We argue a lot these days. I don’t see the point in bothering much in school. Mrs Warham hardly talks to me and lessons are boring without friends.

  I secretly make a peanut butter sandwich for Tim and I take one of the little orange juice boxes that go in my lunch box.

  Flint meets me by the fence and we hurry to the treehouse. It smells musty inside. Tim must have slept in there again.