“Touchan? Kaachan?” She calls out. A man and woman come in the back door, arm in arm. She has shoulder length blonde hair and familiar hazel eyes and he’s more of the Japanese-Hawaiian combination I see in Nalani.
“Lani, love! Were we expecting you?” Her mother’s voice has the same low, husky quality that I love in Nalani’s.
“No, Kaachan, but I needed to talk to you guys.” She looks at me expectantly and both her parents turn to me. Don’t fuck this up.
“Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kimura.” I turn on the Tennessee charm. “I’m Ames Cabot.” Nalani’s mom spies the rings first, her eyes wide as her gaze darts between us. “I hope you’ll give me the chance to get to know ya’ll and forgive me for whisking your daughter off and marrying her without telling you first.” Her mom gasps and her dad narrows his eyes at me. Nalani is squeezing my hand in a death grip, her rings biting into my fingers.
“I know this is really fast but, for me, it started earlier than this weekend. I heard her play and sing at a church in Kailua 7 months ago and I hadn’t been able to think of anyone else since then. When coincidence left me alone at The Blue Note Hawai‘i on Friday, after my best friend Ka‘eo (please let this family connection work in my favor) left to propose to my housemate, I saw Nalani playing. It felt like fate. We had hot tea and sat up the whole night talking. Before the weekend was over, I knew I didn’t want to spend another day without her.” I drop Nalani’s hand and put my arm around her, drawing her close. She still feels stiff but the contact is a balm to my aching heart.
“I hope you won’t hold it against me that we had a small civil ceremony, just the two of us. Knowing my mama and stepdad couldn’t make it here on such short notice, I selfishly thought, if my loved ones couldn’t be with us, the only way for it to be fair was if the ceremony was only ours.”
Her mom has tears in her eyes now and has her arms around her husband, her head leaning on his shoulder.
“I am committed to your daughter. She’s my priority. And I hope, one day, I’ll earn your trust.”
Her mom speaks first. “Do you have pictures? Of the wedding?”
I smile, genuinely, not because I’m trying to charm her. I love looking at our photos. “I do! Would you like to see them?”
She motions me to the couch and Nalani goes to her father. I sit down and am quickly wrapped in a warm hug.
“I’m Connie. It’s nice to meet you, Ames.”
“Nice to meet you too, ma’am.”
“Oh, none of this ma’am business,” she scoffs.
“Sorry, ma’am, that might be a hard habit to break. My mama was real insistent on it growing up.” I pull up my photo app and find the beginning of the wedding ceremony. I hand her my phone and let her scroll, looking over her shoulder.
“Oh, look at you two!” She swipes at a tear. “It looks like it was really special.”
“It was, ma’am. Connie,” I amend. “Short, but meaningful.”
“Look at my Nalani! Oh my goodness!”
“She looked so beautiful.” I tell her. “I’ve never seen anyone that beautiful in my entire life.”
She squeezes my hand, giving me a small smile that is a perfect copy of my wife’s. She pauses on every picture, exclaiming over how we looked or asking questions. She spends a long time on our first kiss as man and wife. The scrutiny could make me nervous, but all I see in the photo is how much I was feeling in that moment. I’m sure she can see it too. She has to.
“It looks like you really care for my daughter.”
“I do,” I tell her simply.
“This was really fast,” she lowers her voice, “so I need to ask you something. But I’m not sure how to do it without possibly breaking her trust.”
“You’re wondering if I know about your cancer? And her worries?”
She lets out a loud puff of air. “Yes. Exactly.”
“I know. Honestly, ma’am, it played into my urgency this weekend.”
“Why? It seems to me that sort of thing would give someone pause, not push them to make a quick decision.”
“I’m a Surface Warfare Officer. In the Navy. As my wife, Nalani has good insurance, benefits. The cost of medical care won’t be a factor in any of her decisions now.” She pinches her lips together and squeezes my hand again. “She’s already in the system, name changed and everything.”
“You’re taking care of our girl.” It’s a statement, not a question.
“Always.”
She scrolls forward and gets to the kissing pictures on the stairs outside.
“Oh! Wow! How did you get these?”
Nalani comes over, but her dad hangs back, standing apart from us. “This super sweet, giant kanaka yelled at us! Ames dipped me like that, unprompted and suddenly this guy was yelling ‘Yo! That’s killah! Give me your phone!’” She imitates his manner of speech perfectly and giggles, a little more like the relaxed Nalani from Waikiki.
“He was awesome,” I agree. "He took a bunch of photos, then showed us to make sure we liked what he took, to make sure we had, what did he call it, Darlin'?” I ask Nalani.
She imitates his voice again, “loving kine moments.”
Her mom laughs with us. I’m not digging the vibe her dad is giving off. He’s very closed off. I guess he’s going to be a challenge. We spend another half hour chatting with Connie but Nalani’s dad, Daniel, keeps to himself. Connie promises to have us over to dinner soon, but Daniel never speaks to me and leaves the room before we head out. I don’t know what to make of it. It worries me, personally, but I hate it even more because of how much it’s clearly hurting Nalani. As we’re leaving Connie tells us to give Daniel time. I hate feeling like there’s nothing else I can do. Nalani seems even more down than before we came over, understandably. She doesn’t volunteer what they talked about or what her dad said to her before she came over to talk about the photos.
Nalani puts on her seatbelt and whispers down into her lap, “Thank you for that. In there.”
“Of course. It wasn’t an act, Nalani. Your mom seems great.” She looks at me, confusion coloring her eyes, but doesn’t say anything more.
24
Nalani
I’m slowly losing it. That has to be what is happening. Nothing “bad” has happened this week but all my negative worries are compounding. It’s like I’m losing my footing on a muddy hiking trail, slowly slipping down the slope and getting mired in the mud. The fact that nothing has changed or developed could be contributing to that. Every day is the same. Ames goes to work; I go to work. He’s been stopping over at K’s to work out before he comes home, until he decides what to do with the equipment he still has over there. He showers, we make dinner, I play piano and he plays guitar, we watch something or read or whatever. We get ready for bed together and sleep.
But he’s always here, looking sexy, being super attentive, touching me casually, sleeping next to me in his boxer briefs. He’s driving me crazy. His slow, sensual kisses make me a puddle of desire, then he moves on like he’s unaffected. I know I should say something to him, but the more time passes the harder it gets. I should have said something our first day at home. Now it feels too late. I don’t know how to recover from the weirdness I’ve created.
Every hour ratchets up my level of sexual frustration. And while that is on a sharp, upward climb, my confidence is crashing in the opposite direction. He compliments me all the time. If I think about it logically and remember the bubble, I should know he’s attracted to me, but logic has stopped factoring into things. I’m running on raw, confusing emotion. I still feel like, ultimately, I should keep my distance, but my libido doesn’t care. My body isn’t interested in my mess of emotions, it wants Ames. It feels like he can’t possibly want me like I want him. If he did, we wouldn’t be spending every night casually touching and sleeping side by side. I want him to be at my level of desperation. I want him to tear off my clothes, unable to resist me, his passion unrestrained. And I want him to tell me, unequivocally, that none
of it is for show. I hate that my body can still want any of that when I don’t know where he’s coming from.
It shouldn’t matter this much. We have the entire year to figure things out. I can’t help but think if we were simply dating, things would be progressing differently. I wasn’t in my head like this in Waikiki. The further into the week we get, the more the circling thoughts weigh me down. I fixate over the kiss by the pier and Ames asking me if it was a convincing newlywed kiss. I review the words he used talking to my parents and how he acted at Ka‘eo's place. The more they swirl the less I know what is real and what is for appearance’s sake. I also can’t tell what has happened and what I’ve merely inferred with my self-sabotaging thoughts. It’s not an accident that I’m the cause of all of my failed relationships. I ruin everything. I don’t have problems; I am the problem.
After we went to my parents’ house, we did a video chat with his. With that done Ames went social-media-official. He posted our bubble photos, gushing over our weekend together. He shared the wedding photos. He even had some photos printed out and had them framed, leaving them for me to choose where I wanted them. No one had anything negative to say. Apparently, no one thinks it odd that he had never mentioned me before and now we’re married. Instead of being comforting, it makes me wonder what kind of guy he really is if everyone expects and supports this kind of impetuous behavior. He seems very regimented and organized, not wild and impulsive. I’m so confused. It’s more likely that he simply has a lot of supportive, kind people in his life and I’m, once again, letting my brain make things worse.
His mother was exactly how I pictured her in my mind. He gets his looks from her, and she is equally charming. Bill was a grump, but the lovable kind, like it’s mostly an act to hide his mushy heart. Ames has a couple of younger half-siblings, Stone and Bitsy (I wasn’t brave enough to ask what her actual name is), both freshmen in high school, and they kept butting in, cracking jokes at his expense and demanding to be invited to Hawai‘i. I both wanted that to happen and wanted to keep my distance. I don’t like the thought of loving them and then losing a whole separate family in a year. I probably appeared aloof and cold. They were all very genial and funny and I second-guessed every single thing I was thinking and feeling until I was frozen.
True to his word, Ka‘eo checks up on me, wanting to make sure I know he’s in my corner.
K: Hey Cuz! I just came from seeing your parents. What’s up with Uncle? Is everything ok at home?
Me: I don’t know. Touchan was “concerned” when he found out we got married. And he hasn’t come around. I really hate it.
K: Does he not like Ames? Or is it more that you’re married?
Me: I wish I knew. I can’t imagine anyone not liking Ames. He’s probably just upset with me.
K: I doubt that’s it. Don’t let it get to you too much. He’s probably just working through the fact that you’re a married woman now. He’s like you. He needs time to adjust to big changes and you didn’t have a long engagement to ease him in.
Me: I hope you’re right. I miss him.
K: I know. And I know you hate discord and tension. Don’t twist yourself up in knots, trying to keep everyone around you happy at the expense of yourself.
Me: That’s very specific. I feel called out.
K: I know you! I bet you’re already doing that!
Me: Bingo. I’ll try. Thanks K
K: Always. I got you, Cuz
Ames has duty on Wednesday night, and I have a gig on Friday night. He could have come and watched, I suppose, but he had already offered to help K and Norah with last minute wedding prep. He’s a good friend, I can’t begrudge him that. I’m out late. The gig, backing a singer at The Blue Note Hawai‘i with the usual guys in our trio, doesn’t go overly long but I drag my feet heading home. It’s easier to avoid my worries while busy at the club than it is in our apartment with him next to me.
When I get back Ames is still out and I feel like I can breathe more fully, pushing away the usual worry and avoiding my feelings, like a child. I take a long shower. It will save me time tomorrow before the wedding. I’m standing in front of the closet in my panties, trying to find a sleep shirt, when I hear the door open behind me. I freeze in panic. With a glance over my shoulder, I see Ames watching me. I swear there’s desire in his eyes, but I can’t believe that. I want to be bold, to turn and face him, half naked, asking what he’s feeling and daring him to want me. But I’m too scared. What if he rejects me? I’d be crushed. And I can’t ruin this situation — I need him. My body and my thoughts are still battling each other, and I haven’t been brave enough to talk to him. I’m not very good at pretending. If it comes out that it’s all been for show I would probably ruin the wedding. I’d hate to ruin K and Norah’s celebration. I stay like that, my naked back to him, until I pull on my shirt and climb into bed.
Ames is quiet. That’s not like him. Now I’m worried that I’ve finally pushed him to his breaking point. He gets undressed and stands in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. The sight of him sets me on fire. I hate this. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle a chaste kiss good night. I could take the lead, but now I’ve basically convinced myself that he doesn’t really want me. Initiating something when I know it will be reciprocated is hard enough, but I can’t put myself out there like that and get turned down. Especially not when I’d still have to sleep next to him afterwards. I roll over onto my stomach, tucking my face into my arm and then I pretend to be asleep. It’s cowardly but that’s me. A coward. A lonely, anxious, fucked up coward.
25
Ames
Something’s got to give. Home hasn’t been my haven this week and time with Nalani feels strained instead of peaceful. I don’t know what I did. I’ve given her space and I haven’t pushed her, but that seems to be making things worse. She’s pulling away and I don’t know how to fix it. Why can’t I fix this? Last night was the absolute worst. I was on a bit of a love high after spending the evening helping my two best friends get things ready for their wedding. I walked in the door and Nalani was standing there in only a pair of panties. I was instantly hard. The line of her back, the slight swell of her hips and ass, the way she turned and looked at me over her shoulder, keeping the mystery…everything about it was incredibly sexy. I stood there, fully in the moment, about to stride across the room and pull her into me and show her exactly what she does to me. But then she turned her back, pulled on a shirt, and got into bed. It was like a kick to the nuts. I got ready as quickly as I could, but she was asleep when I got into bed.
Blue balls aside, I’ve missed her. I wanted to talk to her, kiss her, hold her, get back some of that feeling of connection, but I couldn’t even cuddle up next to her. I feel like I am failing, and I don’t even understand how or why. I’m failing her. That makes it worse. It’s not about the sex. I could keep going without as long as I felt close to Nalani. But there’s no connection. Physical, emotional — it’s all distant. Being married and lonely sucks worse than being single.
I’m happy for K and Norah, but I wish the wedding wasn’t today. I want to talk things out with Nalani. I need to. But I can’t make today about me. I’m not an asshole. It will have to wait, at least until tonight. I’m going to support my best friends, help them celebrate their love, and be extra attentive to my wife, showing her as best I can how I’m feeling. Nalani has a small piano tuning job this morning. She stayed in bed longer than I expected her to, so I press a travel mug of coffee into her hand as she leaves. For some reason, the gesture makes her look like she’s going to cry. I feel like I can’t do anything right. Fucking loser, trying to control all the variables and still ruining everything I touch. I take my Harley over to the Hammonds’, my old neighbors and Ka‘eo’s tenants, to help with food prep since we’ll be hanging out there for the reception.
Issa and Nate’s kids are sitting around the table on the lanai, eating breakfast when I let myself in. They all have a sleepy riot of curly, golden brown hair, a closer app
roximation to Issa’s natural tight curls. Issa is going between them and the kitchen island, being mom and sous chef to her husband all at once.
“You’re lucky I’m busy, Ames Cabot, or you’d be in real trouble with me!” She shakes a whisk in my direction before going back to what looks like a marinade. “Why did I have to find out about your WIFE on social media?!” Her bouncy afro is shaking with her mock anger. “You miss a few Friday night dinners and suddenly you're a husband who doesn’t need us anymore!”
I skirt around the island and hug her around her shoulders from behind. “You’ll always have a special place in my heart, Issa, but I had to accept that you’d never run away with me. For some reason you love that blond beanpole of a man and your offspring more than me!” Her husband, Nate, laughs at our running joke about my feigned affection for Issa, his piercing, light blue eyes sparkling.
“Will we meet this special woman that was good enough to take my wife’s place?”
“Of course, she’ll be there. Did you know Nalani is Ka‘eo's cousin?”
“What?” Issa shrieks. “Is that how you met?”
“Not at all, actually!” I tell them our story, minus the marriage contract part, while we work together to prep the meat for grilling tonight. I enjoy sharing our story but today, with how strained things have been, it’s more bittersweet. I move on to chopping onions, carrots, and celery for mac salad. Nate cuts strips of zucchini and whole carrots to toss on the grill with the meat. Norah baked cupcakes last night, we only need to focus on dinner. Food prepped, I head back home to get ready.
Like a Good Wife (Oahu Naval Officers Book 2) Page 12