No Crone Unturned

by Amanda M. Lee

  The dark man shrugged. “We shall see. Either way, not tonight. Go home. Think about how lucky you are.”

  “Maybe you should think about how lucky you are.”

  He laughed, the sound echoing through the darkness. “Perhaps I will.” He raised his hand and waved. “Until we meet again.”

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was sick of strange men tonight. I was completely and totally over them.

  One

  Present Day

  “Oh ... my ... gawd! What is that? Is that pee? I think it’s pee.”

  I shifted my eyes to my co-worker Marissa Martin and did my best not to roll my eyes ... or laugh. Making fun of her misfortune at a time like this wasn’t a good thing. Still, it took every ounce of self-control I had to swallow the chuckle that threatened to bubble up.

  “It’s not pee,” I assured her quickly. “There’s no way it’s pee. I mean ... it’s a bog. There’s water in a bog, not pee.”

  Marissa narrowed her eyes to dangerous slits, which only made the crow’s feet at the corners more pronounced. She was in her forties but pretended to be almost a full ten years younger ... although she was the only one falling for her act. “It smells like pee.”

  She wasn’t wrong. The unmistakable scent of urine permeated the air. I was trying to figure out where it was coming from when she took an unfortunate step and splashed into the murky water that encroached from the east. That only made the scent bolder.

  “I think it has something to do with swamp gas,” I said pragmatically. I wasn’t an idiot and knew that it would be best for everybody concerned if I managed to convince her that it really was just off-color water. I had a feeling I knew what else was lurking in the swamp ... and it wouldn’t be pretty if she found out.

  “Swamp gas?” The face Marissa made was so absurd I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing out loud. I had no idea why her reaction tickled my funny bone the way it did, but I was so close to losing it that I was one misstep away from toppling over a line that would result in a lot of screeching ... and probably more foot-stomping, which certainly wasn’t going to help the odor problem.

  I nodded and flashed a tight-lipped smile, hoping I came across as intelligent rather than an out-and-out liar, because in truth everything I was about to tell her was a falsehood. Er, well, I guess technically it could’ve been true. I really didn’t know. I was just making it up as I went along. Odds were that I would stumble upon at least one true statement.

  “This is a swamp.” I gestured toward the small water source. It was in the middle of the woods, a good twenty miles from Hawthorne Hollow, a small paranormal hamlet in northern Lower Michigan. “The water here doesn’t get enough sun because of the trees.” I gestured toward the leafy branches above. “Because of that, the water grows stagnant.”

  It sounded plausible so I kept going. “When water becomes stagnant, it takes on a urine scent because of the lack of photosynthesis. It’s not pee. It just smells like pee.”

  Marissa furrowed her brow. “Is that true?”

  I bobbed my head. “Absolutely. Would I lie to you?” The answer was yes, but she didn’t need to know that.

  “But ... I thought photosynthesis was what happened to plants.”

  Crap. I was betting on her not knowing that. She wasn’t exactly book smart. To be fair, she wasn’t street smart either. She was an all-around pain in the behind as far as I could tell. That didn’t mean I wanted to tick her off.

  “What do you think is below the water?” I asked, making things up as I went along. “No, I’m serious. We’re in the middle of the woods. There are plants in the woods. This swamp is also in the middle of the woods. That means the swamp is littered with plants.”

  “Oh.” She nodded sagely. “That totally makes sense. I get it now.”

  That made one of us. “I’m glad. Now, focus on your work. There’s a bog monster in here somewhere and we have to find it.”

  As if on cue, there was a shrill chuckle on the far side of the swamp. I swiveled quickly so I could look in that direction, narrowing my eyes as I searched for a hint of movement. I found nothing, and yet my senses told me what I was looking for was located on that side of the water.

  “Ugh.” I groaned. The creature was playing with us. There could be no other explanation. He’d somehow moved to the opposite side of the water without me noticing. How did he even manage that?

  “Do you think that was him?” Marissa whispered. She was all business now that we’d made first contact with our target.

  “I think it’s unlikely to be anybody else,” I replied dryly, wrinkling my nose as I got a particularly nasty whiff of the urine scent Marissa had spent the last twenty minutes going on and on about.

  “Where?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  “If I knew where, he’d already be dead,” I muttered.

  “Well, excuse me for living,” Marissa snapped, her eyes flashing. “It was just a question. There’s no reason to be ... surly.”

  I knew better than to argue yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “Surly?” I arched a confrontational eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t being surly.”

  “And yet I’m sure you were. You’re always surly. The only people you’re ever nice to are Raisin and Gunner. I have no idea why you’ve taken such a shine to Raisin because she’s young and annoying ... and not in a fun way like Lindsay Lohan. As for Gunner ... well ... we all know why you’re nice to him.”

  Thankfully there were no lights in the bog other than the moon, which occasionally shone through the rustling leaves above. I could feel my cheeks burning. In addition to being another co-worker, Gunner Stratton was my boyfriend ... though I was loath to use that word. It made me feel much younger than I actually was. “I’m confused how Lindsay Lohan was ever fun,” I hedged.

  “Um ... didn’t you see The Parent Trap?”

  I racked my brain. “Actually, no. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that movie. What’s it about? Is she some sort of alien who lands in a town and traps all the parents?”

  The look Marissa shot me was full of dumbfounded surprise. “Um ... no.”

  “Huh. That’s too bad. That sounds like my kind of movie.”

  Her eyes slanted as she tilted her head to the side, considering. “Are you seriously telling me you haven’t seen The Parent Trap?”

  “Not only have I not seen it, I’ve never heard of it.”

  “It’s by Disney. Actually, there are two of them. The first came out a long time ago, long before I was born. The second was out when I was finishing college.”

  I did the math in my head and managed to keep a straight face. “And when was that again?”

  Annoyance rolled off her in waves. “Forget the movie. You’re missing out, though. Lindsay Lohan plays a set of twins separated at birth who meet up at summer camp. When the twins realize they were separated for their whole lives, they launch a plan to switch places and reunite their parents. It’s a magical movie.”

  It sounded like nonsense. “Yeah. I’ll have to take your word for it.”

  The eerie laughing returned, causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end. This time it was much closer.

  Marissa drifted closer to me, her eyes wide as she searched for hints of movement. “Do you hear that?”

  “The nightmarish laughing from the bog monster? Yeah. I hear it.” I heaved out a sigh and looked left and right. I wasn’t quite sure what I was searching for — something to help with the lighting problem couldn’t possibly hurt — but I came up empty on all fronts. “We need to hurry this along. I don’t want to be out here all night.”

  Marissa, obviously nervous, kept darting her eyes from one location to the next. I’d never seen a bog monster — and apparently neither had she — and I had no idea which direction the attack would come from. “Let me guess: You have plans with a certain special someone.”

  The look she shot me could be construed as sweet, but I knew better. She’d had issues with
my relationship with Gunner from the start. She was far too old for him — though she liked to play the age game more than anybody I’d ever met — but that didn’t seem to be a deterrent. Her nose was clearly out of joint when it came to me and Gunner.

  “I do have plans with a certain someone,” I agreed, grinning in a manner that I knew would set her teeth on edge. “His name is Merlin and he likes to eat food out of a can more than a bag, has eight different catnip toys to rub his head against and get high, and purrs while watching movies with me. I don’t think he’ll be a fan of The Parent Trap, but I guess it’s not out of the realm of possibility.”

  Marissa made a face. “You’re talking about your cat.”

  “I am.”

  “So ... you’re not hanging out with Gunner tonight?” She almost looked hopeful.

  Technically, Gunner and I hadn’t made plans for tonight. Of course, we hadn’t made plans any night for the past two weeks and we’d still spent every spare moment together. We were in that heady beginning of a relationship that saw both partners smelling roses and seeing shooting stars at every turn. I thought I hated gooey people like that ... until I became one of them. Still, I didn’t see the point in sharing my personal business with Marissa.

  “Not last time I checked,” I replied breezily, jerking my head to the left when I heard scurrying feet. Again, I didn’t see anything. I sensed a presence closing in, though, and it was ... odd. That’s the only word I could muster to describe it. “How big is this monster supposed to be?” I asked finally.

  Marissa held out her hands and shrugged. “How should I know? I’ve never seen it.”

  That brought up an important question. “Who has seen it?”

  The question clearly caught Marissa off guard, because she opened her mouth to answer and then snapped it shut. “Well ... I don’t know. Rooster just said he needed two people to come out and fight a monster that someone saw while camping. I didn’t ask who that someone was. You volunteered to take it on and I did the same because ... um ... I like fighting monsters in the woods,” she added.

  That second part was a massive stretch. In fact, I would’ve gone so far as to call it an outright lie. We both knew the only reason she volunteered was because she thought Gunner would go with me and she wanted to make sure that didn’t happen. She was nothing if not transparent.

  “Yeah, well ... .” I broke off when I heard it again. The pitter-patter of little feet. Like ... very little feet. “Okay.” I planted my hands on my hips and scanned the bushes to the east. “Listen, I know you’re out there. I also know you’re tiny. I don’t know what your plan is, but I’m like three feet taller than you so there’s no way you can overpower me.”

  “Three feet.” Marissa’s lips twisted as laughter bubbled up from the bushes in question. “That means this thing is only like two and a half feet tall.”

  “Maybe a little closer to three feet, but you’re basically correct,” I countered, glaring at the rustling bushes. This thing hadn’t shown itself yet but it was only a matter of time. “I guess I could just start shooting magic wherever I think it might be.”

  I was a trained witch, though I still flew by the seat of my pants most days. I was big on experimenting and had no problem throwing around a bit of magic ... except for the fact that I didn’t want to hit some innocent animal. Sure, I was a badass biker witch, a member in good standing of the Spells Angels, but I also liked bunnies and raccoons. I was a softie when it came to animals, which is exactly how I ended up with a stray kitten taking over my new home. See, I was fine taking out monsters. Fluffy things were another matter.

  “You should definitely start throwing around some magic,” Marissa agreed. “The sooner we finish this, the sooner we can head back. Well, not together or anything. I can head back to The Cauldron and you can go home and hang out with your cat.”

  My lips quirked. “Right.”

  “You like your cat. You just said so.”

  “I do like my cat,” I agreed. “I might stop in at The Cauldron for a quick drink or something, too.” The Rusty Cauldron was our home base. Sure, we had office space, but there was something more satisfying — and relaxed — about meeting in a bar.

  “Oh, you don’t need to go to The Cauldron,” Marissa countered. “It’s a weeknight. There’s nothing happening there on a weeknight. The only reason I’m going is because I left my tablet behind the bar. I need to pick it up and then I’m heading home, too.”

  That was a bald-faced lie. I’d seen her tuck that tablet into the storage bin on her motorcycle before we headed out to take on the bog monster. She must not have remembered that I was standing right next to her when she locked it away.

  “A drink sounds good,” I persisted, swiveling quickly when I heard rustling leaves again. This time I actually managed to see some movement. The bog monster was now directly in front of me, though I still hadn’t managed to get a clear view of him.

  “You could always have a drink at home,” Marissa suggested.

  “Yes, but it’s not nearly as fun to drink alone.” I lifted my hand, purple magic erupting from my fingertips as I stared at the spot where I knew the bog monster waited. “I prefer being sociable when I drink my bourbon.”

  Marissa scowled. “I’ve yet to see you be sociable since you arrived ... and that was weeks ago.”

  “Oh, I’m a social butterfly,” I countered. “I ... .”

  The bog monster picked that moment to erupt from the bushes. He hopped out, allowing me to see his real form — which reminded me of a leprechaun without the charm (and clothing) — and then growled as he doubled in size and started glowing.

  “Holy ... !” Marissa squeaked as she scrambled to escape from the creature.

  I was expecting it to attack. We’d invaded his territory, tromped all over his home base, and insulted his urine-scented splash pad. There really was only one way for him to respond.

  He grew to the size of a small giant, showing off a pair of razor-sharp teeth, and then reached out to grab me with spindly hands that boasted ragged fingernails. I didn’t wait for him to put his hands on me. Instead, I shot out a bolt of magic that caught him dead center in the chest. Like a deflating balloon, he started to shrink.

  “Oh, no,” the creature complained in a shrill voice. “Witches. I hate witches.”

  I smiled and raised my hands a second time. “Then you should’ve left the campers alone,” I offered. “We wouldn’t have even come out here to get you if you’d kept your presence quiet.”

  “What fun is that?”

  He had a point. “Sorry about this, but it’s part of the job.” I jolted another bolt of energy into him, grimacing as his cheeks expanded in an unhealthy manner. He suddenly looked as if his skin was too tight for his body. “Uh-oh.”

  “Is he supposed to look like that?” Marissa asked just as the creature exploded.

  I’d realized what was going to happen a split-second before it came and managed to throw up a shield spell. That meant I wasn’t covered in bog monster goo in the immediate aftermath. Marissa, on the other hand ... .

  “Oh, my ... !” She let loose an unearthly screech when she realized what had happened.

  For lack of anything better to do, I scratched my cheek and shrugged. “Well, that was a learning experience. I didn’t know he was going to explode that way. Um ... sorry?”

  Marissa’s eyes promised bloody retribution. “I’m going to kill you.”

  While I knew she meant it, I also understood that I was ten times stronger than her. There was nothing she could do to me. We both knew it. “There, there.” I stopped myself before I patted her shoulder and got bog monster goo on me. “Whew. Now you smell like pee.”

  “Ugh. I really hate you.”

  SHE WAS STILL COMPLAINING WHEN WE RETURNED to our motorcycles five minutes later. We’d been forced to park near the road and hike in because there was no easy access to the swamp from the lonely highway. I was thankful to find our rides untouched, though I had
the distinct impression someone had been loitering near them during our absence.

  “Do you feel that?” I asked, glancing around.

  “Feel what?” Marissa was still wiping viscous green goo from her face. “All I feel is disgusting.”

  “I ... don’t ... know.” I scanned the landscape in every direction, stopping when I looked to the east and found a huge house on a bluff overlooking the forest. “Has that always been here?”

  Marissa’s expression was twisted. “Are you serious? It’s a house. It’s an old house to boot. It’s been there for as long as I can remember.”

  “I didn’t see it when we parked.”

  “Did you look in that direction?”

  That was a good question. “I guess not.” I stared at the house. At one time it was probably quite the showplace. It looked like a mansion with a unique view ... that had been forgotten about thirty years earlier. Even though I couldn’t see it up close and personal, I had no doubt the roof was sagging and the inside needed a definite polish. Still, the bones of the house were impressive. “It’s a Victorian.”

  “It’s a shack,” Marissa shot back. “It’s been abandoned for years. Someone should really tear it down. The only people who ever visit are the kids who like to party. It’s kind of a death trap these days.”

  I was curious. “How do you know that?”

  “Because there was a wendigo living in there about four years ago and we had to take it down inside,” Marissa replied. “The house is ... gross. Not as gross as me right now, but disgusting all the same.”

  “Oh.” I couldn’t help being a little disappointed. There was something about the house that called to me, though I couldn’t put my finger on what. “That’s kind of a bummer, huh?”

  “Yes. I’m still horrified about it.” She rolled her eyes and inclined her head toward her bike. “Can we leave now or should we continue to talk about the abandoned house in the middle of nowhere for the rest of the night?”