No Crone Unturned

by Amanda M. Lee

  “You’ll have to ask them.”

  Gunner cleared his throat from the chair at the end of the porch. He hadn’t said much since Melody and Cherise fled, instead opting to pet Merlin while waiting for his father’s arrival. I expected him to unload on me regarding the minion still tied to the chair in my kitchen. He’d been reserved, though, which told me that an argument was still coming.

  Graham pinned his son with a questioning look. “Do you have something you want to say?”

  “No,” I answered for him. “He’s just ... enjoying his time with the cat. He’s a good cat daddy that way.”

  Gunner rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I wouldn’t go there right now if I were you. As for the motive ... I don’t think this is something you’ll be able to keep on the down low for an extended period. You have a guy tied to your chair, for crying out loud.”

  I briefly pressed my eyes shut as Graham let out a snaking breath. “You just couldn’t keep your mouth shut, could you?” I groused.

  “There’s a guy tied to your chair?” Graham was incredulous as he pushed past me and stormed into the house. Rather than follow him, I simply waited until he returned. “There’s a midget tied to a chair in your kitchen!”

  Well, that was uncalled for. “You can’t say the M-word,” I chided, shaking my head. “It’s like the R-word or the F-word. It’s banned.”

  “What’s the R-word?”

  “Don’t ask,” Gunner said. “I agree you can’t say the M-word, though. It’s derogatory. The correct term is ‘little person.’”

  “Actually, he’s not a little person,” I countered. “I looked it up. You’re only a little person if you’re an adult who stands four-foot-ten or shorter. Anything above that and you’re just short. He’s four-foot-eleven, so he’s not a little person. He’s just a short pain in the behind.”

  Graham worked his jaw. “You actually measured him?” he finally asked.

  I nodded. “It was bugging me.”

  Graham threw his hands in the air and stalked away. He didn’t seem happy with life this afternoon. I figured it all couldn’t be because of me, but I decided to let it go.

  When I risked a glance at Gunner, I found him bent over, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. At least he no longer looked angry.

  “This is not funny,” Graham barked.

  “You’re right.” Gunner sobered and lifted his hands, making sure the cat didn’t move to try to jump from his lap. “It’s not funny. It’s serious. There’s a dead woman in the driveway.”

  “You’re darned right it’s serious.” Graham’s eyes practically glowed red. “If you laugh, it just encourages her. Who is that guy?”

  “He’s a minion,” I replied, ignoring the muffled complaints Bixby tried to shout from the kitchen. “He doesn’t like that word. He thinks it’s offensive.”

  “Like the other M-word?”

  I took a moment to consider the question. “I think it’s offensive in a ‘I’m the big bad and you need to tremble before me’ way rather than the other way.”

  I heard Gunner laughing this time, so I made sure not to glance in his direction and incur Graham’s wrath.

  “Okay, let’s start over.” Graham flashed a smile that was more deranged than understanding. “Who is that guy?”

  “He hangs out with the vampires and does their dirty work during the day,” I replied. “He’s like a creepy little sidekick. I also think he might be perverted, but no one else agrees with me on that so I’ve decided to let it go.”

  “Uh-huh. And how do you know he works for the vampires?”

  “Because he hangs around the house on the bluff all the time. They call him their butler, which is just laughable because that house is barely standing and there’s nothing to buttle. Also, I ran into him when I was a teenager, and he was hanging around a creepy guy then, too. I’m guessing he’s still working for the same creepy guy, but I haven’t seen him yet.”

  “Wait ... you know the little guy tied to the chair from when you were a kid?”

  “He accosted me on my way home one night.”

  “Define ‘accosted.’”

  “He hid in the bushes, but I sensed him there and called him out. Then the other guy showed up and said I was fine to go home. Ultimately it wasn’t a big thing, but I still think he’s a dirty pervert.”

  Graham shook his head and turned to his son. “Do you want to explain this?”

  “Oh, don’t look at me.” Gunner leaned back in his chair. “She did this on her own.” He turned to me. “I’m still confused about how you got him back here. I get that you went back to the house on the bluff even though you promised you weren’t going to do that.”

  “Oh, geez,” I muttered.

  “I don’t get how you managed to transport him back here,” he continued. “I mean ... did you enchant him and make him climb on the bike with you? How did you get him to cross the barrier, by the way? Did you hide in the bushes and jump him when he left?”

  “Of course not.” That was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. Well, maybe not ever, but at least in the last hour or so. “I don’t hide in bushes. That’s what skeevy perverts like him do. I used my magic to propel him over the line.”

  “What does that mean?” Graham pressed. “I thought you couldn’t penetrate the barrier with your magic. That’s what Bonnie said.”

  I knit my eyebrows. “When did you have time to talk to Bonnie?”

  “When I stopped in at The Cauldron to check on Brandon. I’m fond of him. He’s been a good friend to Gunner. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. What does that even matter?”

  “I was just curious.” I held up my hands in mock surrender. “I thought maybe you guys were seeing each other on the sly or something.”

  “Oh, my ... .” Graham pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why are you so obsessed with my personal life?”

  “Because I think you need a girlfriend,” I replied without hesitation. “You seem lonely. I think that’s why you pick on Gunner the way you do. If you had someone else to focus on you’d be nicer to your son.”

  “She has a point,” Gunner offered.

  “Shut up.” Graham jabbed a finger in his son’s direction but kept his eyes on me. “Stay out of my business. I want to know how you got the little guy to the cabin.”

  “It wasn’t that hard. The barrier was designed to keep offensive powers out. Like ... if I wanted to send a bolt of magic through to fry the little pervert I couldn’t. I watched it in action. It was kind of like a fishing net — or even a dreamcatcher. It retracted when I shot magic on it and then spit it back. But there were small gaps, so I could ease my mind magic through. I made it so he had no choice but to cross the barrier.”

  “That’s actually ingenious,” Graham noted, rubbing his chin. “I can’t believe you thought to do it, but it was smart.”

  “Yes, she’s brilliant,” Gunner drawled. “That’s one of the reasons she’s so full of herself and drives me crazy.”

  “You’ll live,” Graham said. “You controlled his actions, so you forced him to ride on the motorcycle with you?”

  I shook my head. “I could’ve tried, but he was pretty good at fighting the magic. I had to expend a decent amount of energy. It was easier to freeze him so he couldn’t move and then just tie him to the bike. He’s short, so I kind of draped him over the back seat and then tied him in place.” I leaned over to demonstrate.

  “So, you turned him into a human Popsicle, tied him to your bike, and then drove him here?”

  “Pretty much. I also cast a spell so he couldn’t talk because I was afraid he would start screaming and draw attention. He’s under it again because I didn’t want Gunner finding out I’d performed a kidnapping before I was ready to admit it myself.”

  “Well, that makes sense.” Graham rolled his eyes. “How do you put up with her?”

  Gunner shrugged, noncommittal. “I think she’s kind of cute.”

  “And I think you’re bot
h idiots.” Graham threw his hands into the air. “I just ... this is unbelievable.”

  “He’s fine.” I waved off his concern. “I haven’t even tortured him yet, but he probably thinks that thing I did while measuring him was torture.”

  “Well, that’s something.” Graham pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. “I don’t think I’ve ever been speechless. I’m speechless right now. I mean ... completely and totally speechless.”

  “And yet you’re still talking.”

  Perhaps sensing that his father’s fix on reality was fraying, Gunner coughed to get my attention and then jerked his head in a “come hither” manner. “Baby, I think it’s best for everybody if you come up here.”

  “I definitely think that,” Graham growled.

  “Fine.” I stomped up the steps. “This isn’t my fault. They pushed me to the point of no return.”

  “And how did they do that?” Gunner asked as I sank into the chair next to him.

  “They taunted me.”

  “And?”

  “They tried to keep me out.”

  “And?”

  “That’s pretty much it, but they were diabolical with the way they carried it out.”

  “Uh-huh.” He pressed his lips together.

  “Don’t look at her that way,” Graham ordered, fury evident. “I know what you’re thinking, boy, and now isn’t the time.”

  “What are you thinking?” I asked.

  “That you’re cute and it’s a waste of time to try staying angry with you.” He leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss. “You’ve had a full day, huh?”

  “Yeah. And I’m not done. We still have to torture the minion.”

  “That’s something to look forward to.” His smile was bright until he glanced at his father. “Oh, don’t give me grief. At least she was proactive. We need to move on these jerks if we expect to get Brandon back.”

  Graham’s expression softened, though only marginally. “Son, I get that you’re upset about Brandon. I am, too. He’s a good man. But this ... .” He gestured toward the body. “I have a dead woman here. How will I explain that?”

  “Why do you have to explain it?” I queried. “I mean ... can’t we just dump her in the woods or something?”

  “She probably has a family looking for her,” Graham argued. “Do you think it’s right to leave those people wondering for the rest of their lives?”

  “Sometimes not knowing is better.”

  “Really? From the girl who can’t remember her past and has no idea where she came from? Is not knowing really better?”

  He had a point, though I was loath to admit it. “What do you suggest we do?”

  “Move the body so someone else can discover it. There are no marks on her. It’s not as if you’ll be a suspect.”

  “Oh.” I hadn’t even considered that. “I guess that’s a good idea.”

  “Yes, I’m full of them.” He leaned over and studied the woman’s face. “Do we have any idea who she is?”

  “They said her name was Andrea. That’s all I’ve got.”

  “Well, that’s better than nothing. Come on, Gunner. I need your help moving the body.”

  Gunner balked. “I don’t want to touch a dead body.”

  “Do you want your girlfriend going to prison? Your only option is to help with the body or be separated from her on visiting days by bulletproof glass. Which sounds better?”

  “You should definitely help move the body,” I offered.

  “And what are you going to do?” Gunner challenged.

  “I’m going to question the minion.”

  “You mean torture him.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Well ... at least nobody can say we’re not an interesting couple.” He planted a kiss on my lips and handed me the cat. “I’ll want dinner once we’re done dumping the body. Don’t get bloody or anything.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I don’t torture with sharp implements. I use my mind.” I tapped my temple for emphasis.

  “You really are cute.” He gave me another kiss and then shot his father a dirty look when the older man began miming throwing up over the body. “I’m coming. Stop acting like a child.”

  “Just as soon as you get your hormones in check, I’ll stop acting like a child.”

  “Whatever.”

  BIXBY LOOKED AS IF HE’D BEEN FIGHTING his predicament when I returned to the kitchen. I’d watched Gunner and Graham load up the body and then turned my attention to important things — like torturing the minion and getting him to admit he was a dirty pervert.

  “So, that was exciting, huh?”

  Bixby made muffled noises behind his sealed lips. I couldn’t make out a single syllable.

  “Oh, right.” I released the spell and smiled. “How are things?”

  “I’m going to rip your entrails out, cut them open, and send a snake up through your body to kill you from the inside,” he threatened.

  “That was a good one,” I acknowledged, smiling. “You’re creative when you have a little time to think. By the way, I’m not sure you’re aware of what’s going on out there, but Andrea is dead. I kind of did it before I realized what I was doing and now I’m a little sorry.”

  “Oh, you’re going to be sorry.”

  I ignored the threat. “The thing is, she hadn’t really done anything to me. She was only acting on Melody’s orders. She’s the one I should’ve killed. Too late now, though.”

  Bixby fought against his restraints and leaned forward. “The master will make your blood boil from the inside. You will scream in pain, cry out for relief, but he will just watch ... and laugh.”

  I blinked a few times as I regarded him. “Does this master have a villain mustache? I mean ... it doesn’t matter if he’s clean-shaven or anything, but I picture him with one of those mustaches that curls at the corners. It would help if you could paint me a picture.”

  Bixby was beside himself. “I will cut off your ears and feed them to monkeys.”

  Oh, well, that was a new one. “Why monkeys? Where are you going to find these monkeys? Michigan isn’t exactly a hotbed of monkey activity. We have some zoos, but if you get caught trying to feed a monkey at a zoo you’ll totally go to jail.”

  Bixby let loose a scream that shook the walls. “Let me go!”

  “Yeah, that’s not going to happen.” I crossed my legs and offered him a smile. “So, we need to talk about your torture. I’m not one for jabbing bamboo shoots under fingernails or branding anyone with hot metal. That seems unnecessary ... and a little gross. So I’ll have to torture you in a different way.”

  “And how is that?” Bixby sneered.

  “Well, have you ever watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians? I swear there’s no better form of torture.”

  Bafflement swamped his pinched features. “You’re going to make me watch television as torture?”

  “Oh, this isn’t television. This is like being trapped in the world’s sweatiest armpit. Everywhere you go, there’s no escape ... and the scent is so overpowering — like uselessness and inflated egos and asses — that you’re likely to pass out.”

  “Is this a game?”

  “No, but I am going to win.”

  “I’m not afraid of you.”

  “You will be by the time I’m done. I promise you that.”

  Twenty-Three

  By the time Gunner returned, Bixby and I had taken it to a whole other level.

  “That’s how a proper minion works.” I leaned back in my chair and focused on my screen. “See. He’s doing his master’s bidding. I bet you’re just like that.”

  Bixby’s expression was dark. “I do not eat bugs.” He was positively apoplectic. “I don’t understand why you’re so stupid.”

  “I think this is exactly how it’s done.” I refused to back down, instead keeping my eye on the television as an old Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode rolled. “What do spiders taste like, by the way?”

  “I will shove
my hand through your chest wall and rip out your beating heart and show it to you before your death!”

  I flicked my eyes to Gunner when I heard his shoes on the floor. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” He leaned against the door jamb, glancing between Bixby and me. “How are things going?”

  “Not well. He won’t play by the rules.”

  “And what rules are those?”

  “I’ve tortured him with Kardashians, those Honey Boo Boo people, and now old episodes of Buffy featuring minions. He won’t tell me what I want to know.”

  “And what’s that?”

  I skirted my eyes to Bixby, who was glaring in such a manner I was certain he was envisioning me on fire. “What their plan is.”

  “I will die before I tell you anything of the sort,” the minion hissed.

  “That can be arranged.”

  Gunner watched us stare at each other for a moment and then shook his head. “You need a break from this, Scout. I need to go to town. Come with me.”

  The demand threw me. “What?”

  “Town,” he repeated. “I need to go there, and I don’t think it’s wise to leave you here.”

  “I can handle this little ferret.”

  “I think we should talk about strategy. I don’t want to do it in front of him in case he’s got a psychic pipeline to the vampires.”

  “Oh, he has a pipeline.” I extended my finger so it was only an inch away from Bixby’s face. “I shut it down when I took him. He can’t communicate with the others.”

  Bixby’s eyes bulged. “Is that why they don’t answer me? I thought they’d abandoned me. You did this.” He struggled against his restraints as I continued to taunt him with the finger that wouldn’t quite touch him.

  “Baby, this isn’t going to work.” Gunner said. “I know you don’t want to torture him because you feel it’s somehow wrong given the fact that he’s a little person, but I don’t see where you have a choice.”

  “He’s not a little person,” I reminded him. “I measured him and everything. He’s technically a normal, grown adult.”