From Dream to Destiny

by Caddy Rowland

  “Come inside. I will listen,” promised Gastien.

  Mic snorted. “That will remain to be seen.”

  Once inside, Mic sat at the table. “Sit down, please.” Gastien sat, listening as Mic began.

  “Do you have any idea what a selfish connard you were last night? Non? I didn’t think so. “

  Gastien, looking angry, started to get up. Mic put out his arm to stop him.

  “Don’t get defensive with me or I leave. You expected me to bail you out when you were embarrassed by Sophie making you nervous, with some stupid talk about paints. I did. Then, you actually started to make some progress with her, inviting her to join us. I thought, finally you had suddenly grown some balls about the situation.”

  “But, non! You had to sit there and get drunk on absinthe until you must have started hallucinating or something. I don’t know what went on in your head, but all of a sudden you changed. Then, when she came to the table, you stabbed her in the heart!”

  “I did no such thing! I saved her from heartbreak!” cried Gastien.

  “I said to not defend yourself! You were so drunk you cannot expect to see it clearly, so I am painting it for you. Her face when she came to sit by you, did you even notice? Mon Dieu, it glowed! She was so excited, so happy, and trying so hard not to show it. All for you, Gastien! All for you. And what did you do? You embarrassed her in front of a group of twelve men that she will have to face over and over at her place of employment. You rejected her like she was yesterday’s bad meat. Did you even look at her face after you told her you didn’t want her there? I doubt it. If you had, you could not live with yourself!”

  “Mic, please listen! You don’t understand…I remembered things. Things that she would not want to know; things that would hurt and embarrass her if she ended up with me! I can’t take that chance! It is not fair to her! Look, I am fine with decisions I made in the past. Those are mine to live with, though. Someone else should not have to. Can’t you see that I am too dirty for someone like Sophie? I can’t have a close relationship because I simply don’t deserve one. My past could hurt the other person too much.”

  Gastien ran his hands through his hair, continuing, “You don’t know what it was like! You think you know, but you don’t! It was so horrible I can’t even talk about it. Not even now. But I will tell you this: They almost castrated me; a knife was held to my genitals. And you know what? They voted on it! That is how powerless I was. God, Mic, do you know that kind of fear?”

  “Non, I don’t, Gastien. I do know it had to be awful. I think I have a pretty clear picture of what happened. Look, what happened was way different than you had expected. It was not your fault, and it was ugly; but how long are you going to carry that cross on your back? It must be pretty old and heavy by now. “

  “I could not help that I heard voices!”

  Tears slid down Gastien’s face. He brushed them away, embarrassed.

  “Non, you couldn’t; however, you could have told those voices to go to hell. You know what I think? I think you use that as an excuse. You want to tell yourself that is why you can’t have a relationship, because you are scared shitless to open your heart! It is much easier to hide behind past events than to take a chance on love, isn’t it? Oui, God forbid you would have to make any compromises for someone! The rest of the world has to compromise all of the time, but not Gastien Beauchamp! Oh, Lord no, not him; he had some bad things happen to him! No one else ever has!”

  Gastien just looked at him and kept crying.

  “Look, Gaz, I don’t want to hurt you. It makes me feel terrible, but you don’t seem to understand that you really hurt Sophie. Poor Pierre had his party ruined, too. From the time you arrived, everything was about you. Your embarrassment over being interested in Sophie; your drinking too much. Your demons haunting you, and then running down the street, making a grand entrance back. For a grand finale, you threw up in back of Au Lapin Agile.”

  “Why is it you are so much more important than the others at the table? Life is not a play starring you in the main part, with the rest of humanity waiting to be used at your whim. We are all main characters! You need to think very carefully about how you treat people moving forward.”

  “I did not know you thought so little of me,” Gastien whispered.

  “See? There we go with the dramatics again! The honest help I am offering you gets turned around into something else that is hurting poor Gastien. Why can’t you see that other people have feelings, too? You want to know why I wanted to stay away from you today? Because you embarrassed me with your actions! You expected me to back you up, say nothing, and just kiss your ass about it. Well, you were wrong, Gaz. I am not going to do it! Do you understand?”

  Gastien sat staring at him. His face had gone pale. “Oui. I think so. I…well…I think so.”

  Mic buried his head in his hands. They sat in silence.

  “Mic, how can I make it up to you and my other amis? I did not mean to ruin Pierre’s party.”

  Mic looked up. “Then tell him that! Be big enough to do it in front of all of the guys. Tell them you behaved inappropriately, becoming so dramatic; turning Pierre’s party in to a one act play about Gastien.”

  Gastien swallowed hard.

  “Fine. I will do that. Just, not tonight. Give me a little time.”

  “I doubt they are all there after last night anyway. Do it this Saturday.”

  “All right, I will.” Gastien looked tense.

  “And that’s not all.”

  Gastien looked at him worriedly.

  Mic continued, “You really do need to apologize to Sophie. Even more than the others, she needs to be apologized to in front of every person who saw you treat her like dog shit. And I don’t mean just an ‘I am sorry.’ I want you to tell her why you did it. Not the bullshit excuse you use about bad things in your past. I want you to admit to her that you are scared of having a relationship.”

  “Oh, non, I will not do that! I can’t!”

  “Then we have nothing more to talk about.” Mic stood.

  “You mean you are ending our friendship?” Gastien cried, shocked.

  “Not ending it. I am going to step back, though. I can’t allow myself to be seen as someone who agrees with your poor decisions in regard to women. We will need to be much less close. I am sorry.”

  Mic turned to go.

  “Foutre! Mic, wait!” Gastien gulped. “You are right. I will do it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I am sure.”

  Mic stared at Gastien a few minutes. Finally he nodded. “Then let’s go eat. I am starved.”

  When they got to the restaurant, Gastien admitted that he was scared of losing his freedom if he allowed himself to become close to Sophie.

  “But, are you interested? Do you think you like her, Gaz?”

  “Oui. I am strangely attracted to her. I think about her all of the time!”

  “Then, again, quit being so damn dramatic! Nobody says you have to marry her tomorrow. Or ever! You may never even end up in bed. Just share your feelings for once. Tell her you are scared about what might develop, because you just can’t let a relationship interfere with your life plans. Lay it out for her. Then, ask her if she would like to get to know you anyway. She is a grown woman. Let her make her own decisions.”

  “I will be embarrassed, Mic. How does a man say he is scared to a woman?”

  “How about ‘I am scared’?”

  “No matter what I say, she will still try to change my plans if we get serious.”

  “Then that is her problem. Let her make those decisions. Just go slow. See what happens. I think she will be good to you. God knows the heat is there. I almost burned up when the two of you were fussing over that kisskey last night!”

  Gastien smiled. “Oui, there was heat there for sure.”

  “So keep it tamped for awhile. Get to know each other as people. Talk in public. Go for walks in public. Just see where it leads.”

  “And
if it leads to bed?”

  Mic laughed. “Have you ever had a problem there before?”

  “Non, but it has not been Sophie!”

  “So, again, take it slow. If you get to that point, then you can decide.”

  XIV

  Gastien found that Saturday could not arrive fast enough. He was scared to say what he needed to say, but he could not wait to see Sophie again.

  As for her, she had returned to work the night after the birthday party determined to keep Gastien out of her head. She would be civil when she had to wait on him, but that was all.

  At the end of her shift, there was a cabriolet waiting.

  As she walked by, the driver called out, “Are you Sophie?”

  “Oui, I am. Why?” she asked in surprise.

  “I am supposed to drive you home every night from now on. I am to check with the owner for your work schedule and make sure that you have transportation.”

  “Really? And who decided that?” Sophie asked, although she knew.

  “A man named Gastien. He arranged it; you may as well ride. It is much safer than walking this late. He has paid for several weeks.”

  She could see his point. She had to walk down to Pigalle –through a pretty rough part of it – to reach home. It was a long walk, too; her feet always ached. If Gastien wanted to pay for her ride, then let him. It was the least he could do for the humiliation he had caused her.

  She gathered her skirts, stepping up. “As you wish. Merci.”

  Gastien. He was an odd one. He could be so warm one minute, so thoughtful; the next minute so cold and distant. He must care a little bit to spend this money on her. Still, why wouldn’t he talk to her normally then? Sophie just could not figure him out. Nor could she quit thinking about him.

  XV

  Gastien and Mic arrived at Au Lapin Agile later in the evening that Saturday, thus assuring that most of their amis would be there. When Gastien saw Pierre, he walked up to him and handed him a bottle of champagne.

  “This is for you, Pierre. I am sorry that I ruined your party. Merci beaucoup for not throwing me out or beating some sense into me!”

  Pierre smiled and hugged him. “You are forgiven, Gastien. I know you are going through, shall we say, an interesting time right now. You have protected your heart so carefully! Now you are finding it frightening that someone might get to it. Most of us here have been there at least once.”

  Gastien cleared his throat, pounding loudly on the table. His amis stopped talking to look at him. Hesitating, he almost backed down. He cleared his throat again.

  “Here I am, causing a scene again.” Everyone laughed. He went on, “I stand before you to say that I want to apologize for my selfishness the other night. I should have kept better control of myself. Pierre should have had center stage on his birthday. In fact, I now realize we all get center stage at moments, but not for a whole night. Mic, of course, was more than happy to point out to me what a trou du cul I was!“ More laughter. He grabbed Mic, putting his arm around him. “He was right. I am truly sorry. I will try to be a little less full of drama.”

  Someone toasted to it, and they all had a drink. Gastien looked around, realizing what a wonderful group of amis he finally had. He had always dreamed of talking about art and knowing other artists. Now, here they were.

  “One more thing, hommes,” he spoke up loudly. “I am so lucky to know each of you. I truly am. Your friendships have opened the world of art to me. It means everything to me that you let me in. Merci.”

  He sat down to talk quietly with his amis.

  Sophie came out to see if they needed more drinks. She had been on break when Gastien had arrived. When she saw him, her heart did funny things in her chest. Why did she have to be so glad to see him? Sophie didn’t want to be glad, but she was. She would not let him know it quite so easily, though. To her surprise, when she got to the table he stood up and put his arm around her, once again asking for attention.

  “I promise this is my last scene. There is no one here that deserves an apology more than Sophie.” He turned to her. “Sophie, I am sorry for how I treated you the other night. It was wrong and cruel. My intentions were good, but I expressed them in a horrible way. My reasons are private, to be shared only with you – if you ever allow me to talk with you again.”

  “For now, let me say this: I want to get to know you better, yet I am scared that I like you too much. A romance that involves my heart is out of the question for me, at least I have always thought so. Still, I would very much like to develop a friendship and see where it leads. If you will have me as an ami, I promise not to ever humiliate you again. Please, Sophie, forgive me.”

  Sophie was red, yet she was smiling as she looked up at him. The guys, of course, were clapping and cat-calling for her to kiss him.

  “Non, no kiss, Sophie. As I said, I want to go slow. Please. Just be my amie.”

  She could not find her voice, she just nodded.

  He said to her softly, “What time are you through tonight?”

  “Midnight.”

  “Perhaps we can talk then, if you are not too tired. I will go sit at a table by myself at midnight. You can make the choice of sitting with me or not.” He smiled. “You can stand me up this time, if you wish. I would be embarrassed, but I would understand.”

  Sophie looked up at him solemnly.

  Then she smiled. “Well, let’s wait and see. I just might decide you aren’t worth it. Either way, merci for the rides home. That is very, very kind.”

  She turned away to take drink orders.

  XVI

  At midnight, Gastien sat at a table for two, away from the group. Sophie joined him a few minutes later. They looked at each other in silence. In their hearts, they both knew there was no turning back.

  It was obvious to Sophie that Gastien needed to go slow. For some reason, in spite of all of his experience with women, he was deathly afraid. She leaned forward.

  “So, Gastien, I am dying to know. What do you like to paint?” she asked sincerely.

  He looked surprised. He had expected the woman to act all flirty, in an effort to make him aroused. Was she really interested in what he painted?

  “Well, what I love to paint and what I paint for a living are two different things. Are you interested in art, Sophie?”

  “Oui, I am. I go to shows when I can. I have always loved to see different painter’s styles. I often wish that more artists would have the nerve to really show me something different. I mean, the camera is available now, so we don’t need actual reproductions. The Impressionists are getting there…but I can’t help but feel that there is so much more that could be done to wake people up.” She stopped, embarrassed. “There I go, spouting off. You probably love realism, and I have insulted you without meaning to. Please forgive me. I sometimes voice my opinion without thinking.”

  Gastien was looking at her in amazement. Suddenly he grinned.

  “Oh Sophie. What a breath of fresh air you are! Do you know how wonderful it is to hear a woman say she is interested in art for more than having herself painted in the newest fashion? I am pleased to hear your honest opinion! I am also very impressed!”

  “So, what do you paint then?” she repeated curiously.

  “For money, I paint portraits. Realism.” She blushed. “Don’t be embarrassed. As I said, it is for money. That is not where my heart lies. I do feel I do a better job than most with portraits, though. I am quite good at bringing out the little nuances and emotions I read in a person. However, that is not where my heart is.”

  “Is that how you meet all of the women you are with?” she asked without thinking. Then she said “There I go again – “

  Gastien laughed kindly. “Oui. That is where I meet the women I sleep with.”

  He looked at her openly. “That is part of me, Sophie. It has been convenient for all parties involved. I am highly sexed, but don’t want a commitment. They want excitement. I am not ashamed of my sexual interludes. The women le
ave very happy and I am sated.”

  Gastien realized he was being more frank than most men would be with a woman.

  “Oh! Forgive me for saying more than I should. I hope I did not make you uncomfortable. Please don’t think that I don’t respect you. Sophie, I am not like most men. Putting women on pedestals seems ridiculous to me. Please tell me if you would like me to censor myself. However, I do feel both sexes should be able to talk frankly.”

  Sophie was blushing, but answered, “Non, you don’t have to censor yourself. If we are going to be amis, I would like it very much if we could be open with each other. I really hate putting on a front in the name of decency. What is decent about being false?”

  He laughed then. “You are absolutely right.”

  “Let me ask you this, though, Gastien. What if it was me that was sleeping with a lot of men? What would you think then?”

  He thought for a moment. “Well, it would shock me because you don’t look the type. Honestly, I would admire your courage to do as you pleased in the face of societies conventions. I would defend you if others chose to see your behavior as crude. A man should not have more freedom than a woman. Still, I don’t like whores who just use it for power, either. Sex should occur because one enjoys it, or because one has no other way to earn money.”

  Sophie was impressed. “That is honest and surprising! Actually, I have no experience. Not because I am too restrained. There just has not been anyone that seemed worth having sex with. I am a romantic, I guess. Love would have to be there in order for me to do something that intimate. Perhaps it would not be a formal commitment, but I can’t see myself just having sex for sex.”

  Gastien considered that. “You are young, though. You have not hit your prime. Wait until you experience it. You might feel differently should that great love be gone, and you happen to be hitting your peak.”

  “Maybe. I am open-minded. I would prefer one man; however, if it did not work out, I would hope to try again. I just turned eighteen last month, by the way.”