Four Letter Feelings (The Jeremy Lewis Series Book 1)

by Lasairiona McMaster

  “Well, that’s something at least. Right?”

  “Yeah, it’s hard. I’ve always been super close to my parents, so this last year or so of angst and arguments isn’t something I’m used to.” As he spoke, he balled up his trash and threw it across the room, nodding satisfactorily as it thudded into the trash can on the floor next to the desk.

  “I bet. You got siblings?”

  “Nah, not anymore. I’m my parents’ miracle baby.” He kicked himself for not outrightly lying about being an only child and hoped AJ wouldn’t pry too much further into the topic. He wasn’t ready to talk to him about his brother just yet, and technically since they hadn’t seen him in years, he was an only child these days.

  “Wow. That’s definitely gotta be hard. At least I have Ana when our folks are being a pain in the ass. You musta been lonely travelling Europe by yourself and not talking to your folks much.”

  “Sometimes. You know how it is though, man. When you’re on the road with the team, they’re your family.”

  AJ nodded in agreement as he finished up his sandwich. “I get it. Still must suck, though. Did you see them on your way here to ʼBama from Europe?”

  It was Jeremy’s turn to nod. “Briefly. I had a short layover and saw them for a little bit. I might go back up at Thanksgiving, though. Try smoothing things out a little bit with them to see if that’ll help.”

  “Oh! Speaking of Thanksgiving…”

  “Uh huh?”

  “My mom said to invite you to join us for American Thanksgiving. She said school will be out, and if you’re not planning on going home to your parents, you can come join us.”

  “You realize it’s only September, right? What if we can’t stand each other by November?”

  AJ laughed and shook his head. “Yeah, that’s what I said to her, too. Type-A, lawyer, organizational freak. She has every holiday for the rest of the year planned out already – oh, yeah, she also said if you aren’t going home for Christmas you can join us then, too.”

  “DUDE! Didn’t her mama never teach her about strangers? What if I’m a felon? What if I steal from her? What if I de-flower her daugh—?”

  AJ held up a hand to stop him and threw him a menacing glare. “Dude, I will break your face if you mention my sister and her flower again, are we clear?”

  Jeremy nodded. “Yup. No Ana-flower talk, got it. But the rest are fair questions, man. What if I’m a loon… ah, wait, never mind, she’s used to dealing with that with you, right?”

  AJ raised an eyebrow and threw his pillow at Jeremy’s head.

  “Ok, fine. Sorry, I’m only kidding and I hope you know that. If I thought you were insane, I wouldn’t have agreed to live with you. Tell mama… wait, what’s her name?”

  “Cindy.”

  “Tell mama Cindy that I’d love to join you guys for American Thanksgiving… on one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “She doesn’t make me eat that green bean casserole thing y’all insist on having with your Thanksgiving dinner.”

  AJ erupted into laughter. “I fucking hate green bean casserole, dude! Ana, too. Mom never makes it. I mean, she cooks green beans, but never the casserole ʼcause it just goes to waste.”

  “Then that definitely sounds like a Thanksgiving feast I can get behind.”

  Jeremy glanced at his phone and saw that Chelsea still hadn’t contacted him. He couldn’t see how she wouldn’t have received his offering by now, or why she wouldn’t have contacted him, and he found himself surprised that he was quite so disappointed.

  Looks like it may be Team Adrianne after all!

  Chapter 10

  The first few weeks of school passed in a haze of hockey practice, beer and lectures. Before he knew it, he was sitting on a plane bound for Canada. He still hadn’t heard from Chelsea, and the two dates he’d been on with Adrianne had both been less than stellar. He wasn’t even sure why he had committed to a second date, she was nice and they got along well, but that was as far as it went. That wasn’t to say he hadn’t gotten laid, but his mind was still preoccupied with the melodic laugh and hour-glass curves belonging to the beautiful woman from Iowa. He couldn’t quite figure out why she hadn’t called. As far as he was concerned their kiss was more than enough to warrant a call-back, and the fact that it still bothered him, also bothered him. He didn’t get bent out of shape like this over a woman. It was completely out of character for him and try as he might to put her out of his mind, she just wouldn’t leave.

  Vanilla beans and clementines.

  ***

  Standing outside his childhood home Jeremy hesitated. Part of him was looking forward to spending a few days with his parents, but another part was anxious that he’d get back into the vicious cycle of arguments with his dad over his disappointing life choices.

  “You’ll catch cold if you stand out there too long, Jeremy!” his mother warned from behind the door.

  “How do you even know I’m out here, Mom?”

  “Moms know everything. Get your butt in here, Dad’s cooking pancakes.”

  “But it’s noon,” he said, as he pushed the door open.

  “Yes, but it’s your favorite. You’ve been gone for a long time, Jer. We’re having ‘prodigal son has returned’ pancakes to celebrate.”

  “You realize I’m only here for the holiday, right?” he asked suspiciously, as he stepped into the house motioning for AJ to follow.

  “Well, yes. Of course I know you’re only here ʼtil Tuesday. That doesn’t make it any less of a celebration. C’mere and let me look at you!” She stepped out of the living room into the hall and pulled her son into a hug.

  “Mom. You saw me a few weeks ago!”

  “Yes, in passing,” she answered, stepping back from him. “Oh! You brought company!”

  “Uh. Yeah. Mom, this is AJ. AJ, this is my mom, Laurel.”

  “Well of course it’s AJ, how lovely to meet you!” she exclaimed enthusiastically, extending her hand.

  “I’m sorry for the intrusion, Mrs. Lewis. Jer said you were cool with me tagging along for the weekend. We don’t have any training and I’m caught up with everything else and it’s been so long since I’ve been up north … I can totally grab a hotel room in town… I—”

  “Dude. Stop. You can totally stay here, right Mom?”

  He suddenly felt like a seven-year-old kid again, asking his mom if his friend could stay for dinner, or if he could go across the street for a sleepover.

  “Sure, Jer. Like she can say no standing there in front of me, in this awkwardness, right now.”

  “He’s right, AJ. You’re always welcome here, of course. I just wasn’t expecting you… I guess it just slipped your mind, Jeremy.” Her tone carried a slight sharp edge that Jeremy was sure was obvious enough for AJ to pick up on. “Come in out of the doorway, AJ, let’s get you boys settled in and we can all have pancakes.”

  “It’s ok, Mrs. Lewis. I can head into town and make myself busy so you guys can hang out together.” Jeremy glared at him with a definite, ‘don’t you dare leave’ vibe. “I don’t want to impose on you, or get underfoot, especially since you didn’t know I was even coming.” He returned Jeremy’s glare and Jeremy instantly felt a pang of guilt for not having been more honest with his friend.

  “I insist, AJ. Come in, drop your bag in the guest room and join us in the dining room for pancakes, I’ll just let Tom know we’ll be needing another stack.” She smiled a warm and genuine smile, seemingly over the fact that Jeremy had neglected to tell her he was bringing a guest and just happy that her son was there at all.

  “C’mon. Let’s dump our bags upstairs before we eat.”

  “Is the guest room next to your room? I need to know where you’re sleeping so I can murder you during the night for not telling your freakin’ mom that I was coming with you,” he hissed.

  “That’s our Jeremy, acting before thinking. Right Jer?” Tom appeared in the hallway.

  “Dad, please don’t start. I j
ust got here.”

  “Is that why you brought your friend with you? As some kind of wall to hide behind so we don’t have to face the difficult discussions?”

  Jeremy stayed silent, deciding it was better than being confrontational right off the bat, but he couldn’t work out why his dad had to be such a monumental A-hole right from the minute he crossed the threshold.

  At least let me unpack before you break out the asshole, Dad.

  “Right. Well I’m sorry to say that it won’t work Jeremy. Hiding behind your friend doesn’t solve the issues. We have to address our concerns and face them head-on as a family before we can make any progress.”

  Jeremy watched AJ awkwardly out of the corner of his eye. He knew AJ was probably once again considering a hotel room for the weekend and Jeremy felt bad for not fully preparing AJ for what was in store for him up north of the border. At the same time, however, he felt as though his dad was being a little ‘extra’.

  Why do you always have to be such a confrontational prick right from the get go, Dad? Couldn’t we work up to this level of animosity like normal families? Starting at the top kinda means we have nowhere to go with all this pent-up aggression. Seems like we’re in a never-ending loop of arguing and frayed patience. It’s exhausting! I just don’t have the energy. Surely we can figure this out? We’re grown-fucking-men after all!

  “Leave the boy alone, Tom,” Laurel scolded. “Boys, go drop your stuff upstairs and come back down for pancakes. Family stuff can wait until later and AJ, don’t you dare book a hotel room, I’d take it as a personal slight, you hear me?”

  “Yes, Mrs. Lewis.”

  “And for the love of all that’s holy could you please stop calling me Mrs. Lewis? It’s Laurel, ok?”

  “Yes ma’am— eh, I mean, Laurel.”

  “Good. Now move it, you two. I’m sure you’re both hungry!”

  ***

  “You were right, Dad. I’m sorry,” Jeremy began as he poured maple syrup over his pancakes and sliced a bite off the edge.

  He sucked in a breath.

  His stomach growled as the smell of his dad’s pancakes was driving him crazy and making him salivate.

  He felt his mother tense as she sat next to him at the dining room table and instantly wondered whether he’d said the right thing. He didn’t want to cause another world war, by any means, but he figured that perhaps admitting his part in the wrongdoing and trying to calmly address the situation upfront instead of their usual head-butting, arguing and passive aggression might be worth a try.

  Time to put your big boy pants on, Jer.

  “I dragged AJ up here as my buffer. I didn’t want us to fight. I wanted us to have some nice time together and I figured if there was a visitor in the house, we couldn’t dissolve into you telling me what an utter disappointment I am and Mom wouldn’t get stuck in the middle of our arguments. I just wanted a nice Thanksgiving for all of us. Not to mention I also really did kinda just want you guys to meet AJ.” He gestured across the table with his empty fork before stabbing at a piece of bacon on his plate. “He’s a good guy, we work well together as roommates and I talk to you guys about him all the time. Yes, I should have told you before now that he was coming, but I knew you wouldn’t mind, not really, since you say there’s always room at our table and I didn’t want you to talk me out of bringing him up here right now in favor of another time. And AJ,” he addressed his friend. “I’m sorry, man. That was totally uncool of me. I should have given you all the information and left you to make up your own mind on the situation. I didn’t because I’m chicken shit and I wanted you to meet my folks and I didn’t think you’d come if I told you what was waiting for me when I got here.”

  A heavy silence fell over the table as everyone continued to eat their pancakes engulfed in awkwardness. He felt better for having spoken, though, and proud of himself for having kept his cool and not raised his voice. He was also proud of his father for not interjecting, or cutting him off. For once, he’d let him say his piece without butting in or being dismissive. Perhaps this was some kind of real progress.

  After what felt like an age, Tom spoke.

  “You’re not a disappointment, Jeremy. I am disappointed. That’s not the same thing. Not by a long shot. Both your mother and I are very proud of you.”

  Jeremy jerked his head up from staring at what was left of his breakfast.

  “Yes, Jer. That’s right, and I’ll repeat myself for good measure, in case you didn’t hear it. We are both very proud of you. I may not be thrilled with the direction you’ve chosen to take your life, but in your absence, I’ve come to accept that it’s your life, not mine. You’ve made a plan, started to put it into motion and stuck with it even though it hasn’t been easy. You’re following your dreams, your heart and you didn’t let me, or anyone else, dissuade you from your path – resilience, determination, focus – those are all things to be proud of, and we are very proud. But even if we weren’t proud, that doesn’t matter. You should be proud of yourself. If you’re happy, that’s ultimately all that matters and you seem happy, so we’re happy.”

  Jeremy’s mouth was wide open with shock.

  “Jeremy, you’re catching flies over there. Finish your lunch and let’s put all this bad air behind us please, okay?” His mother was gazing at her husband lovingly. She was obviously relieved that he had come to this conclusion during the time that Jeremy was away and her voice was hopeful. Jeremy wasn’t quite sure what personality transplant his father had undergone, but he was happy to leave it behind them, if his dad was happy to leave him the hell alone to make his own life decisions without judgement and criticism.

  “Absolutely,” Jeremy stuttered. “Thanks Dad, I appreciate it. I’m sorry for being a jerk before I left for Europe, too.”

  With a nod, Tom got up from the table and put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. “Did you get enough to eat, AJ?” he asked politely as though the entire heavy conversation hadn’t just transpired.

  “Sure, thanks. It was delicious.”

  “I’ve missed your pancakes!”

  “Served with locally made maple syrup and a healthy dose of family angst and drama. Sorry about that, AJ. We really are glad to meet you, though.”

  “Yes, we are! Jeremy really does talk about you all the time,” Laurel added sounding almost hopeful.

  Jeremy groaned. “Guys, I’m not gay. AJ isn’t my boyfriend. You make it sound like I have some weird secret crush on him. I don’t. We’re just friends and I just wanted you guys to meet him.”

  “Wow, Jer. Way to make it awkward,” chuckled AJ. “He’s meeting my family next month for our Thanksgiving, I kinda think he felt obliged to return the favor. My sister already pokes fun at our ‘bromance’ as she calls it. These really are great pancakes, Mr. Lewis.”

  “Tom, please, and thank you. They’re third generation pancakes, my grandma used to make them for us when we were kids. It’s the one thing I’ve always known can bring Jeremy home – I may have used them as bribery when he refused to come in off the ice some evenings when he was little.”

  “Much to my displeasure!”

  Laurel laughed as she stood up from the table and picked up AJ’s plate. “Some nights I’d have slogged over a hot stove for ages making the perfect meal for the family, and he comes and undermines it all with pancakes just to make sure that one,” she gestured at Jeremy with her chin, “didn’t get frostbite!”

  AJ chuckled. “No, no. You sit down Mrs.— eh, Laurel. I got this and thanks so much again for brunch, Tom, it really was delicious.”

  Laurel gave Jeremy a ‘why aren’t you this polite?’ type look behind AJ’s back as he stacked the dirty plates in the dishwasher. Tom started talking hockey with AJ, while his mom fussed over the fact he needed a haircut and looked like he’d lost weight.

  It’s good to be home, he thought, as he breathed a sigh of relief. He’d been so full of dread over spending time with his dad that he hadn’t given any real thought to how much he
loved his parents and enjoyed spending time with them. He was suddenly excited about the days ahead. Aside from his ‘in passing’ visit, he hadn’t spent any real time with them in over a year. While he’d Skyped and sent strained emails full of justification for why he hadn’t given up and gone home to study medicine, the feeling of dread about things with his dad was overshadowing everything. He felt better already, more hopeful and positive that they could resurrect their relationship and move forward together. He felt lighter. As he picked up his glass of orange juice to take a sip, his mom asked, “So, if AJ isn’t your boyfriend, are you seeing anyone, Jeremy?”

  Chapter 11

  Thanksgiving dinner with his parents was everything he’d hoped it would be. His mom had been emotional as she’d waved him and AJ off for the airport that morning. She’d made him promise to visit again soon, and as he stepped onto the plane, he texted his mom to assure her, once again, that he’d be home again for Christmas.

  “Feel better?”

  “Yeah. Sorry I kinda threw you into my family shit blindfolded, man. I really am. I just didn’t want to go into the lion’s den by myself. To be honest, though, Dad was way calmer than I expected him to be. He must have had a personality transplant or something. It didn’t go at all how I predicted it would.”

  “Dude, you’re sitting there reflecting over the last few days with your parents. That’s cool and all, I get that it was emotional. Meanwhile, though, I’m sitting here wondering how the fuck the plane is going to lift itself off the ground with the fourteen thousand bottles of fucking maple syrup you have in your suitcase!”

  “It’s not that bad!” Jeremy laughed. “Just a few to tide me over ʼtil Christmas.”

  “Jeremy, Christmas is two and a half months away. Normal people don’t go through a bottle of maple syrup a week.”

  “Normal people aren’t Canadian people. We mainline that shit.”

  “Nuh uh. I lived there, remember?” AJ argued, as the plane taxied to the runway, ready for take-off. “Not even normal Canadians need that much maple syrup. You’re officially a weirdo.”